THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn’t meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. © 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT ME There’s one extra-special person who’s always there for me My rock, my inspiration, oh it’s true The one who stands beside me, lifts me when I fall I owe it all to someone, and that someone is… me Where would I be without me I’m the only one who’s never let me down you see From the moment when I wake up, till I lay me down to sleep I’d like to say thank you… thank you to me You know life can be so busy, we never find the time To tell the ones we love the way we feel Now I can’t let that happen, I won’t wait till it’s too late To take the opportunity to say… Where would I be without me I’m the only one who’s always there, indubitably I get spurned and burned each time I’ve turned to cold humanity I’d like to say thank you to me There’s just one set of footprints Behind me in the sand I used to wonder what that meant But now I understand Where would I be without me No need to inherit the earth, I never want to be that meek If God helps those who help themselves, hey holy crap that’s me! I just want to say thank you, I’d like to tell me thank you Just want to say thank you… thank you to me This is a big shout out to yours truly… I love you man! And I will always love me I light up my life I am so beautiful to me © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is… I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me… She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Now I know I’m no virtuoso Yeah I know there’s those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I’m gonna let her Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw! My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’ And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin © 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF When I called collect to say I’d wrecked her new Beemer, my baby was cool And she didn’t get ticked when I went and picked the wrong kid up from school And she didn’t get bent when I gave her best friend’s rear end a little goose But one time I left the seat up, man did I get beat up, I mean all hell broke loose You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it night and day The big things may perturb her, but it’s the little bitty ones that’ll blow you away Set the house on fire, blow out all her tires No need to perspire when you do But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna muddle through When I ran over, the cat with the mower she said “one down and eight to go” And she let me slide watching Girls Gone Wild, hell she helped me figure out the TiVo When I said “you look as good, as an old lady could,” well she handled that just fine But find a crumb on the sofa and it’s Girls Gone Postal, yeah she just about lost her mind You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it all day long The devil’s in the details, and that’s where you’ll go wrong Space her birthday out, flirt with a girl scout Don’tcha worry about that goat But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna stay afloat She stood before the TV, blocking out my bigscreen Saying, “Do I look fat in this dress?” Just then we scored a touchdown and I nearly knocked my beer down When I jumped up and screamed “yes!!!” You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, that’s what it’s all about The devil’s in the details, and he likes to watch you sweat it out Bring home an STD, hey, BFD Don’tcha see that’s forgiveable son But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna get along Fill her porcelain tub with your homemade drugs And she’ll clean up the meth (oh yeth) But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, it’s a point that really can’t be overstressed Unless you want your Hummer repossessed She could lop off what you got when you’re undressed So don’tcha look at any other lady’s chest © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP I NEED A PARKING SPOT I got a job in LA, and I don’t want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet (it’s called a Geo) But then an hour I waste, cause there’s no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, L.A. Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away (at owner’s expense) So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar (Nope, it’s handicapped) I can’t disregard the blue wheelchair It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won’t even let me idle This town is one big parking lot So why can’t I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I’d love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, my God it’s a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot © 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP I OPENED UP MY HEART (AND MY BRAIN FELL OUT) The first time that I saw her, I fell down on my knees I wished I’d tied my laces, I wished my wine and cheese Had somehow stayed upon my platter, like the other party guests’ Instead of splattering her pretty dress She helped me to my two left feet, through my apologies She smiled as though merlot is just what every Prada needs I said, “You just can’t make tea anywhere, I mean take me anywhere No what I mean to say, is have we ever met tefore bidet?” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I used to be so smart, so what’s this all about I’m suddenly a simpleton in a flood of fear and doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I babbled on and on and on, and on until she said “You’re just too cute,” she touched my cheek, and I felt my face turn red She said to me, “Do you believe in true love at first sight?” I said, “I think I well I guess yes sure I think I might” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I could not find the part that controls my motor mouth If she thought me a simpleton, I removed all doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out We decided to take a walk, and leave the noisy crowd I tried to keep my witless words from coming out, out loud But the more I said, the more she grinned, and it occurred to me Could this be the way love’s supposed to be? She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out Now I’ve gotten smart, for ten years just about I’m still that love-struck simpleton, that she can’t live without She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out © 2006 Steve Goodie & Don Henry ASCAP YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH ME He can give you a big fine house to live in He can give you fancy clothes and jewelry He can give you a brand new car, each day of the week And that’s why you’re better off with me He can take you to all of those exclusive parties He can give you stocks and bonds and security He can give you everything, your mama says you need And that’s why you’re better off with me He can dress you up like a fairy princess He can show you how to act and how to speak (and how to think) He can make you the pretty picture perfect, trophy of his dreams And that’s why you’re better off with me He’s safe and he’s solid I’m loud and I’m squalid He’s the perfect gentleman But can he let you win at Scrabble without letting you know he let you win? Can he give you real love and real passion Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? That’s why you’re better off with me Can he give you real love and real passion (I don't think so) Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks (That guy? Uh, no.) Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? (Ha!) Well that's why you're better off (Ha ha!) Well that's why you're better off with That’s why you’re better off with me Yeah, sorry about that... © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG (TO RECORD A 3-MINUTE SONG) I’ve written the world’s greatest song, I put my whole heart in it It rhymes so good, and like it should be it’s precisely three minutes So why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Just turn the microphone on, I want to record my damn song I’d like to walk on in, say hi, hello, and then cut the chatter, get the show on the road Would it be an imposition, would it be so tough, to have the headphones working and the mics set up? Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I’ve been playing three chords all day long, I just want to record my damn song Now the band knows the song, and they’re playing along Can we please punch in if I get a note wrong? Or maybe I’ll keep it simple, just guitar and voice This song’ll go platinum, but I gotta record it foyst So why does it take so long, who’s running the board, Cheech and Chong? When we’re done you can fire up that bong, but first I’d like to record my damn song Now everyone’s got a studio in their basement But do they know a thing about microphone placement? And computers are great, I love integrated circuits But I don’t want to wait, while you learn how to work it I got a question: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Um… One! Oh… Why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I’ll have grandchildren before long, I just want to record my damn song I’m so proud of my song, and I want the world to hear it But waiting for pro-tools to boot up, I kinda lose the spirit It’ll get lots of airplay all around the nation Once you figure out the plug-ins in your new workstation Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Another hour of my life gone, I want to record my damn song © 2005 Steve Goodie ASCAP TAKE IT BACK Uncle Junior’s getting married, it’s a big surprise to us (Jack) We’re invited to the wedding, and we need new clothes ’n stuff We ain’t got no money, since Daddy got hisself fired (Jack) But you can bet your ass we got a tank of gas and a brand new credit card, and we’re go ing to WalMart, they got all the crap we need They got weddin’ clothes and panty-hose and everything’s going for free, see We’ll whip out that new Visa, with the thousand dollar limit Then we’ll bring this crap right on back in half a hillbilly minute They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid They’ll credit our credit card, nine hundred ninety-nine That we spent on the big event, until we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We went and spent like the government, until we changed our mind Okay, we need six green tuxedos, a croquet set, sixty pounds of potato salad, a bigscreen TV, two outboard motors, twenty gallons of barbeque sauce, a case of Metamucil, a jet-ski, twelve sets of thermal underwear, the Hank Williams Jr. box set, four pogo sticks, a set of lawn darts, a six-foot cheese log, and thirty-five pounds of paprika… See Wally drove Mom and Pop, right out of business Let’s hit him where it hurts, hey can I get a witness There’s nothing wrong, with making the field level If you’re gonna screw someone, hey why not screw the devil, and go to WalMart, hang onto that receipt Take back the dress with the gravy mess, yes that’s their policy On Monday morning, everything’s gotta go back Is it so wrong to return the thong, that’s been up Junior’s crack (Jack) (Uh, maybe… oh well) They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid They’ll credit our credit card, before we’re late this time We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind See, this is Uncle Junior’s fifth or sixth or seventh wedding… he tends to change his mind too… so this time we’re giving him a Chia pet, a set of plungers, and a big ol’ box of laundry detergent. Mazel tov, Junior… tag her once for me! Cause just like Wally’s customers, Junior tends to change his mind © 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP LOVING HER (IS LIKE PLAYING AT THE BLUEBIRD CAFE) Well I finally met, the girl of my dreams She’s so lovely, but around her I’m a moron it seems My mind freezes up, when she’s looking my way And “b-duh, b-duh, b-duh, b-duh” is all I can say See I get nervous, and I get anxious, I get the jitters, and what’s more This feeling is a feeling, I’ve felt once before There’s just one place where I go to pieces this way And that’s on the stage, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage With everyone starin’, I’m a bear in a cage I forget all those clever things I meant to say Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café I panic, I get manic, I stutter, and I shake I forget my own name, and I hear my voice break I palpitate, I perspirate, and I lose my toupee Just like open mic, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage My tongue gets all tied up, it will not disengage The lights are so bright, my brain’s a soufflé Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I hope for a smile, and her kind endorsement But after three minutes, she calls law enforcement There’s millions just like me, all waiting their turn Why should she choose me, when she’s got Dan Bern? She’s got Schuyler, she’s got Knobloch, for a buck she gets Schlitz And golly, there’s Dolly, with her great big… hits When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage I bravely step up, she says thanks, now go away I forget every rhyme, and each brilliant cliché Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I forgot the three chords that I practiced all day Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café © 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP STAND BY YOUR VAN A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette Sometimes it’s hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing’s gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We’ll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We’ll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van Four-wheel drive’s so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You’re one fat-assed American So stand by your van © 2004 Steve Goodie & Sylvia Mulholland ASCAP THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR A parody of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star © 1990 Steve Goodie & Sukey Smith ASCAP |
THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn’t meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. © 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP SHITTY LI'L LOVE SONG Well I don’t believe in Santa Claus, I’m doubtful about God Although I pray I’m wrong And I don’t believe in perfect happiness a lot But I believe perfect misery comes along And I don’t believe in the tooth fairy I don’t believe in goblins and spooks But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Well I don’t believe politicians tell the truth Even when they swear they do But I believe they’re a little bit like me and you So their representation is true And I don’t believe all I read in the paper I often scoff at what I peruse But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you, yes I do I don’t believe decorum is always the best thing do to But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Yeah I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you I love the shit out of you © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP THINKING OF YOU Well she caught him red-handed with a Waffle House waitress Sneaking out the of Holiday Inn She sat on his car, pulled a .38 pistol Said look who’s been cheating again He said it may look like cheating in a manner of speaking But in once sense I’ve still remained true Cause I’m not really sure it counts as cheating If I was thinking of you Thinking of you, thinking of you My lips might have wandered But my heart has always been true, always been true I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you He said, I was thinking about your sweet loving ways How you always say live and let live I was thinking about your love of the good book How it says we should forgive Well just like old Adam learned a lot from one apple I’ve learned my lesson this time Cause I couldn’t resist her, but each time I kissed her It was you I was with in my mind I was thinking of you, thinking of you Seems to me that ought to be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you Well she thought for a moment, and she pointed the gun At his new custom chrome GTO She put five rounds through the hood of his car And said honey, would it help you to know I was thinking of you, thinking of you If I heard you right, that should be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you © 2004 JR Russell ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie HER SIDE, HIS SIDE This is the story of a relationship as looked at from two different perspectives… her side and his side. I’ll be playing both parts tonight, thank you very much… with a little help from the Heimerz. Anyway, this is her side… We both were searching for someone new Someone to count on and lean on too And we bumped into each other And angels sang, and it was beautiful And this is his side… We met in a bar, man I was loaded She had a car, and a major credit card And she said… I swear it was an epiphany of sorts And fireworks really went off And Romeo and Juliet were unromantic sorts Compared to us And then he said… We met in a bar, man I was loaded I bought her a beer, she bought me a hundred Well loneliness is desperate and desperation messes with your mind And the path of least resistance will lead you to the least every time They met in a bar, the dice were loaded Cause drunken hearts don’t know what they’re doing They met in a bar © 1993 Ty Hager ASCAP THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES DADDIES NEED TO DRINK Well the one that looks like me is banging on the pots and pans And the one that looks like her is swinging from the ceiling fan And the one that looks like trouble just dumped his ant-farm on his bed My youngest son just ran outside with his diaper on his head And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Cause little boys amuse themselves in ways you’d never think And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink My daughter has a boyfriend who’s living on our couch My wife lets him right back in each time I throw him out She says he reminds her of the way I used to be But I don’t remember bragging ’bout a string of felonies And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Girls go from dolls to derelicts quicker than a wink And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink I bet meditation or a beach vacation could mend my shattered nerves Maybe I’ll have time for those someday But I need something for those moments like earlier today When my wife said we’ve got another blessing on the way And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink It’s just our way of celebrating when that little stick turns pink And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Yeah that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP GRANDPA'S DEAD Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I got some news I thought you ought to know Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed Maybe you should play croquet instead Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you And no one else really likes you that much And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy... Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa! I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up! He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Like I said, Grandpa's dead © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP SEAL PUP She took my Encyclopedia Britannica She took my hair gel, she took my golf clubs She took my self-respect, my dignity, my will to love She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my favorite pornography Sure miss that DVD, since she left me She took our wedding pictures and she tore ’em up She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup Well she took the very life from me while we were skating on thin ice Cause love can be a hockey stick, hits you smack between the eyes And leaves you there to die She took my stereo and my TV Left me with her high infidelity She took my car keys, Grandpa’s cremation cup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out and beat it like a seal pup © 2007 Ty Hager & Jim Blodgett ASCAP NEVER NOT Well without you wonder with you I’m sure But I’m never not thinking ’bout you Wherever I wander whatever I do I’m never not thinking ’bout you I stumble around like I got something to prove But I’m never not thinking ’bout you I mumble aloud, I got nothing to lose And I’m never not thinking ’bout you Sometimes insecurity makes me believe That you’re not never not thinking ’bout me I’m just your toy, your little plaything You’re not never not thinking ’bout me What do I do I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you Am I a fool I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you, yeah yeah How could this be You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me I’m going crazy You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me Never not not never not thinking ’bout me Never not not never not thinking ’bout me And I’m never… not… not… never, never, not… thinking ’bout… you Yeah I’m never not thinking ’bout you © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP HE KISSED HER LIPS I didn’t think I would see her again, after he stole her away But I recognized her the moment she bent over that Shoney’s buffet She turned to me with a tear in her eyes And she told how he kissed her sweet love goodbye He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I pulled her close without saying a word, though I felt like the butt of a joke She dropped my heart in a bottomless pit, she was my handful of hope Still I’m not too proud to sneak through love’s back door If I get to hold what I’ve been longing for He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I swallowed my pride and my anger While she went back for rump roast and beans I took some comfort as she walked away Cause that end justified every means Oh he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me Yeah no one could miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is… I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me… She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Now I know I’m no virtuoso Yeah I know there’s those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I’m gonna let her Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw! My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’ And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin © 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP FUGLY She’s quite a bit heavy but don’t care about looks She dies her hair blonde but don’t care about roots She don’t give a damn about you or about me She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She don’t shower much, she don’t care about stinkin’ She’s driven many a man to quit drinkin’ After waking by her after a drunken spree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she’ll give you a smile ’bout three inches deep She goes for weeks without brushing her teeth But she’ll only smile at your misery She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she’s midle-aged lonely, and she’ll stay that way Until she gets older and uglies away If she’d look at life different she could be happy Instead of F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly © 1999 Ty Hager ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP PAIN The slamming door broke his nose As his tears fell her laughter rose But she's not completely heartless She slid some tissue through the mail slot She said, "If you ever come round here again I'll have you hurt, I have some friends Who will happily break every limb that you got" Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore She yelled out the window, as he got to the street "Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly" And she tossed it to him But eleven floors can rearrange And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain Which he took on the chin Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain Lost love hurts, but blood stains He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders how long the swelling will remain He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again The papers arrived today She's charging him with pain and suffering He's starting to think she don't love him anymore © 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP COWTIPPING Smokin’ embers at the bottom of the bug lantern Got me thinking how it used to be When I could spark that old flame in your eyes Well tonight you’re gonna see a new romantic side of me I know a quiet place out in the country Perfect for a moonlit rendezvous Hand in hand we’ll go running through the pasture While I whisper softly to you Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on cabbage blossom, this ain’t no time for playing possum Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me It’s easy as 1-2-3 push Aw, doesn’t that sound romantic honey Just you and me and another box of wine… Well sugar dumplin’ you’re being awful quiet But your eyes could burn this trailer down I guess you’re fired up for a big night in the barnyard I’m only sorry that I waited till now to say Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on sweet potater, we can fuss and fight later Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me They say there’s romance in gazing at the heavens They say there’s romance in whispering in the dark I say there’s romance in you and me together Running for our lives after hittin’ the leather All we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP SEVEN SHALLOW GRAVES She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA In my former best friend’s arms, now in seven shallow graves The parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree And I forget just where I set what remains She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves Well the parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree And her cheatin’ heart’s at my late ex-best friend’s place She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA Now some guys are diggin’ me a pretty shallow grave Yeah, they seem real pissed at me ‘’bout those seven shallow graves, yeah © 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP PEDLEY We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me And you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down Well I wonder how desperate he was Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood But I would never let them tie me to a tree Screaming and holding up my BVDs Just waiting for Burt to come and rescue me Screaming "Hey Burt!" (Hey Burt) "Hey-ay-ay!" Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part © 1995 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP OUR BOY AND BUBBA Well we had us a little baby boy Our bundle of love, our pride and joy You know we’re just as happy as can be Now he’s crawling ’round the house And I don’t mind not goin’ out There’s just one little thing that troubles me He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact You and me are white, our boy and Bubba’s black Well our friends ain’t too much said a thing And your folks said well I’ll be And my folks ain’t ever been around Well now your folks say that’s the key It’s one of those skips a generation things Well I ain’t found their reasoning too sound He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact Once you’ve been with Bubba, you ain’t ever goin’ back Yeah he looks like Bubba, more and more everyday He looks like Bubba, well I guess I’m on my way Now it ain’t like I ain’t got a plan, now the truth has set me free I’m gonna move in with your sister You know her little girl looks a lot like me © 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP |
ARE WE THERE YET? We’re going off to Grandma’s, it’s a seven-hour drive It feels more like ten million, don’t think I can survive We’re barely out of town, I’m already bored to tears ’Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes I’m strapped in my seat, don’t wanna stay in it I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago Man, the time is going slow Are we there yet? My sister Peggy’s teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me “We’ve got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely” We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states That’s a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy’s hair, a sneak attack Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes Why can’t Grandma come to our house to visit I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago My rear-end’s just about killing me, so Are we there yet? Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy’s reading it to me While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows Then Dad says, “Hey, what do you know, I do believe we’re here!” Now we’re here – yes! Dad stepped on the gas No more miles, no more minutes There’s a swimming pool! I’m gonna jump in it I hope the time’ll go real slow Now we’re here I don’t want to go I’m gonna play and play and play all day We’ll stay here till I’m old and gray Let’s buy up land, Dad whaddaya say We’re here, we’re here, we’re here! Finally! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM Mom says my room’s a horrible mess Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room I love my mom but I don’t dig her When she yells, “Pick up all of those action figures!” Much easier said than done Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with ’em Power Rangers, swords and zords Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor Legos and gameboys, right over there I see my favorite old missing teddy bear Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom “Listen here, young man,” Mom calls up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “Don’t forget to pick up all your underwear!” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Now mom is cool but she needs to chill Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill For parachuting down or hiding all day Why would I ever want to put it all away? Power Rangers, swords and zords Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what’s that My one-eyed toad with the sailor’s hat Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom There’s a giant inflatable dinosaur A great big Simba with a great big roar All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer A life-sized poster of Dumbledore I got puzzles and models and games galore It’s like someone blew up a great big toy store With all this cool stuff out on the floor Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes… I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “What in the world’s going on up there?” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “If that room’s not clean by the count of three I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key” “That sounds great mom!” I say thankfully “We’re real good friends, my mess, and me” Power Rangers, swords and zords Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, white cats on the prowl Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute? I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want your fruit I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit I don’t want your fruit I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HE’S A BULLY I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules When he gives me those noogies, I don’t stand a chance He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance He’s got me so nervous, I can’t relax And I’d rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, and there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep A big old bully, just a big old bully Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect And all the other kids laugh so they won’t be next He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, yeah there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep Big old bully, just a big old bully Well I got so sick of being afraid I told my mom and my dad and the teacher’s aide I should have done it sooner but I just didn’t know That there’s people who can help when a problem grows So we went to his house, my Dad and me We met the whole bully family The bully was quiet, so was his mom His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me That this big bully gets bullied at home And I wished his dad would leave him alone I started feeling sorry for the bully And I stopped being scared of the bully And I said, “Hey! Mr. Lewis! It’s okay… You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends… What do you think, Bill?” And Bill looked at me… and he actually smiled a little… And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis… And then…Mr. Lewis smiled, too… and it was kind of… cool Now I can walk to school and I got no fear I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we’re Not so different, not really different at all We can both get scared, and I don’t need to call Him a bully Now he’s one of my peeps He doesn’t call me names, he doesn’t give me the creeps I call him Billy And when we walk down the street We’re buddies, good good buddies Yeah we’re buddies, good good buddies Everybody, meet my new friend Billy... © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP NOT ME There’s someone causing trouble, whoever can it be When Mama wonders who’s to blame I always say “Not Me” “Are you sure it wasn’t daddy who left Elmo by the tree? Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me” “Who left the front door open? There’s a stray cat in here” “It could have been the wind though I admit it’s awful weird” “And who left all these lights on, that’s a waste of energy” Let’s start investigating, Ma, ’cause I know it was Not Me There’s two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV “Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?” It’s another big old myst’ry, ’cause I know it was not me “Who left the bathtub running? I’ve got soap suds to my knees Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me? Who’s been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine” It’s sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me There’s two words I’m repeatin’, Not Me Not Me Not Me These two words can’t be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me There must be an imposter, he’s got shirts that look like mine A familiar face runs ’round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly “Are you the one responsible?” I swear it was Not Me No he’s the one who done it, he’s the one to blame He’s the offending party, and you can ask for him by name He’s the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me He’s the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably Most assuredly… Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I’LL BE GOOD I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter’s coming in Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin’ Hey don’t you want to take me, the life of the party who’s tons of fun What do you mean I don’t know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin’? I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I swear I won’t be a problem, won’t do nothing wrong Won’t be loud and crazy, please take me along And I promise I’ll eat the stuff on my plate I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say Dad says, “Remember that day at the diner, When they were out of what you wanted to eat You screamed, ‘what, no strawberry ice cream?’ And banged your fists and stomped your feet” “Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad Thanks for that memory” “Well, we did not find it amusing Everyone staring at your mother and me” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t spill soda, won’t have no conniption Don’t need no babysitter, don’t need no prescription I swear! For the rest of the day I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say “Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t throw my salad, won’t throw no tantrum Won’t be obnoxious, oh please don’t abandon me I know how to behave I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say For the rest of the day C’mon make my day © 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP LITTLE SISTER (OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU) Every day I do, lots of different things I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings I like whatever new stuff, every day brings But my little sister’s in a rut Jessie gets one thought into her head And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again Can’t she say anything else instead She’s gonna drive me nuts, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears I think I’m gonna just go nuts It’s a snowy cold day, we’re stuck inside She’s repeating those words and there’s nowhere to hide If I only knew what the heck she means then I Might not be coming unglued I give her all my playdough to distract her And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers What am I going to do Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears Ooly gooly baka hu, it’s all I hear I think I’m gonna move to Zimbabwe Mom says “It’s just a stage, she’s gotta go through Let’s try to teach her something else, something new” I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo Any animal will do Dad says “she’s just like a broken record,” and then I say "Uh, what’s a record? And how do they break?" Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says “Lima broka mekker too” Lima broka mekker, it’s different, but then she says Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears She’ll say the same old thing for three whole years Lima broka mekker Aaaahhhhh!!! I think I’m gonna go nuts You’re driving me crazy! Would you stop doing that, please?! Mom!! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP REFRIGERATOR ART We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint And we’re slapping it on with very little restraint Teacher says we’re great artists, yeah we’re the very best But when I take it home to Mom, that’s the real test Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top And when we open it up, another piece drops So we’re up to our ears in my genius Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge I got a tin can and a piece of string And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting And with all this junk I create my masterpiece We’re gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Where my collection is complete and unabridged I filled up the door, above, below, and in between Inside and out, we can’t open the thing Seems someone’s more interested in art than food storage So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets Refrigerator art, Mom can’t get enough Of all my beautiful stuff Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen She’s showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds She’s got tears in her eyes, she’s so dang proud The other mothers smile at what they’ve been shown Cause they’ve got the same stuff on fridges of their own If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, it’s so fully saturated With all the masterworks that her little boy created So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP QUITCHER WHINING! I’m bored… I’m really really bored I’m so bored, it’s not even funny I say, “Mom… I’m bored!” And she says, “I’d love to help you honey” But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s suppertime, and Mom’s serving up the food And Jessie’s plate isn’t quite as full as mine She says, “Mom! I want more!” And Mom says, “I’ve told you a thousand times” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s Saturday, and Peggy’s friends have come to play And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide She says, “Mom! Where’s my purple bathing suit?” Mom says, “That’s it, everyone inside!” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath I say, “Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?” And Mom says, “Why certainly!” When you’re polite with me, it makes me want to do Just exactly what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Ask politely! And quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! And be polite! Before I get mad… and maybe throw something… And that would be bad… so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining! © 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP I JUST WANT TO HELP Well it’s time for me to start helping out around the house I can polish silverware cause I’m a big boy now So I’m standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains Mom says, “Don’t push that button!” “Oops, spoon down the drain” “No… is there something you can help your father do? I’ll be clearing this disposal all afternoon” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can lean on me Why don’t you sit down and rest for a spell I just want to help I just want to help Dad’s in the driveway, fixing the car Hey, I’ll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h’yar And I’m pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing It splatters ol’ Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding That’s a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming And I, I just wanted to help Dad, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can count on me I can help you do that job so well I just want to help Yeah I just want to help Vacuum cleaner’s in the corner, Mom’s on the phone She’ll be so surprised I did this big job all alone Wow! What was that? “Oh my, oh lord” Our vacuum just ate our computer cord “Steven, be a dear, and go out and play If you help me any more, I’ll be here all day” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m not living in no hotel I just want to help Yeah, I just want to help And I appreciate, and your attitude is great But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself What?? But I, I just wanted to help You shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m reliable, can’t you tell I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED It’s 9 o’clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away “Brush your teeth, wash your face,” that’s what they always say “Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz” But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you All the cool stuff happens at night I’m in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch I’d rather be wearing daddy’s shirt, hanging out on the couch “All my friends stay up late!” I’m pleading my case But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you Bedtime is for boys with no life Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin I say “let’s stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon! Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk” That should keep us busy till two or three o’clock I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’m not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y’all And I’m really not sleepy tonight I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’ve been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway Why don’t we play Monopoly all night? “Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?” With my flashlight and a comic book, I’ll read under the covers I can’t believe I fell asleep, they’re shaking me awake Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break! I don’t wanna leave the bed, I don’t wanna leave the bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s nothing to do, I don’t wanna go to school I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed my whole life © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP |
STEVE THE PIRATE When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to Steve But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship he could find no relief for his back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage I shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortunes did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve/me He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave me some filing to do Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck! By the end of the week all his mateys could tell My career as a pirate wasn’t going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss me too much if I drowned Thanks, fellas... Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and yet more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though my plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort He washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s Arrr! Arrr! Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’ When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’ Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and even more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... © 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie GO FORTH MY SON Go forth my son, there's work to be done It's up to you to lead us in the new millenium So learn well the lessons that history has to teach And follow the examples of our forefathers Go forth my son, like George Washington Put powder in your wig and wear wooden teeth And sire illegitimate children, and stand up in boats And get your picture on a quarter Go forth my son, like Abraham Lincoln Drive yourself to work in a luxury towncar And every year on your birthday, put consumer electronics on sale And live in a cabin made of tiny logs America is a great big country With many fine stores open late It's got pizza and cell phones And fraudulent elections I'd have to say America is great It's an excellent place to be an American So let's all give a rousing cheer Of God Bless America, it's the land I call... here So go forth my son, with stalwart conviction An accident of birth has made you an American So always fight for what you believe in, every now and then And good luck tomorrow on your history exam © 2001 Andy Corwin SOMEBODY ELSE GOT TO BE JIMMY BUFFETT I'm just a middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-roader Trying to do the best I can do I got a fiberglass boat with an Evenrude motor I named her Margaritaville II I got a closet full of shirts that are covered in parrots My belly hangs over my belt Sometimes I get to thinking that it just isn't fair It's a rotten hand of cards I've been dealt When I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett I'm just a white-bread parrot-head wannabe poet Hoping for a night on the town I drink way too much tequila, but you would never know it Until I throw up and fall down Oh my head starts to swimmin' when I try and meet women I become a slave to my fears I guess you could say I'm horizontally challenged I haven't been laid in two years I have this recurring dream I'm on a tropical beach Out beyond the continental shelf But as the palm trees sway all the women ever say Is why don't you get drunk and screw yourself? Oh and when I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett Somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett © 2001 Andy Corwin HOW COME YOU AIN'T DEAD YET There was magic, there was music, there was quiet tenderness You said you couldn't live without me, and you sealed it with a kiss You spelled it out in poetry, how much I meant to you And if you had to live without me, whatever would you do? Whatever would you do? Well, if what I hear is true You're doing Billy, Bobby, Barry, Larry, Fred, and Bubba too You said you couldn't live without me, like Romeo and Juliet Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet Life has not been fair to you, I know the struggles that you've been through And the responsibility you've lived up to, so little time, so many guys to do But just think, if you were dead, how great my life would be My lawyer tells me I'm your sole beneficiary You said you couldn't live without me, and it's touching to see such a devoted bimbette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet You broke your glass slipper, but don't worry Cinderella You got thirty days to die or it's me, that's gonna kill ya I wouldn't be missing much, especially in the bed From what I can recall it might be better, if you were dead You said you couldn't live without me, I hope you wreck your new Corvette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet © 1992 Steve Goodie THE DOLLAR BILL SONG She took a dollar bill from her wallet, she picked up a fountain pen She wrote down the words 'I love you' next to the picture of George Washington She took the dollar bill to the grocery store, and bought herself a chocolate cake She gave the dollar bill to the grocery man, and she went back home to wait The grocery man gave the dollar bill to a fat guy from Baton Rouge He spent the bill at the hardware store on a box of flat-top screws The hardware store gave the dollar bill to a customer named Clive Who, by the way, is the son of one of the original Dave Clark Five He spent the bill at the laundramat, they gave it to a lady named Fran Fran's youngest son stole the bill from her purse and went to see Star Wars again The movie theatre guy spent the dollar bill on a subway ride uptown Three minutes later the bill was in the pocket of a gamblin' man named Brown Brown blew the bill in a poker game, he was fishin' for an inside straight The dollar went home with a man named Jones who was sitting on a pair of eights Jones took the bill to a savings bank, the teller's name was Dan Dan gave the bill to a customer named Rabbi Finkelman Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there Anyway the Rabbi spent the bill on a ham and cheese to go They gave the bill to a guy named Phil who gave it to his best friend Joe Joe had planned to spend it on some flowers for his bride But he was mugged by a junkie named Doug in the parking lot outside Doug's old lady spent the bill on a couple o' cans o' beer She eventually becomes a very famous poet but that don't matter here The liquor store guy put the dollar bill in his register but then Doug the junkie said "Stick 'em up" and the dollar was his again Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there He gave the bill to a girl named Jill who gave it to a girl named Flo She gave the bill to a real short guy whose name I do not know He gave the bill to another short guy who gave it to a guy named Jake Jake took the bill to a bar 'n' grill and bought himself a sirloin steak Well later that day I happened to say "Think I'll stop by the bar 'n' grill" The cashier counted out my change and handed me the dollar bill Well I ran to a phone and I dialed in her number as fast as my fingers could do I said "Baby, I just got your message" I said "Baby,I love you too" I said, I am with you all the time I can hear you loud and clear Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there I said, baby, you don't need no dime, you don't need no subway fare Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there Yes you know I will be there, baby I'm with you everywhere © 1990 Andy Breckman IF I WAS YOU If I was you I wouldn't stay with me, I'd have left me back in 1983 I'd have headed straight for Nashville Tennessee, if I was you, I wouldn't stay with me If I was you I wouldn't stick around, I'd hop aboard the next bus out of town Change my name to a different proper noun, if I was you I wouldn't stick around No I would not stick around for more abuse I'd throw my hands up and say what's the use I call up all the airlines for a schedule of their flights And get myself a stylish set of matching Samsonites If I was you I'd leave me right away, I wouldn't stick around for one more day Instead of turning prematurely gray, if I was you I'd leave me right away Oh I'd leave me right away oh yes I would I would take this opportunity to stick it to me good I would hastily embark upon a long-overdue journey Leave the nasty details in the hands of your attorney If I was you I'd kick it into gear Cause you ain't gonna find what you want here But before you go would you get me another beer? Thanks darlin! If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't stay with me © 2001 Andy Corwin MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND She's a real type-A, and she's over-insured Her favorite castaway, is Thurston Howell the Third She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise I can be her lover long as I downsize My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Friday we go liberal-bashing She's got the supreme court, tattooed on her rump Beside an autographed por-trait of Donald Trump And from the day I checked her out from front to back I knew her private sector could take up the slack My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Sunday we go Medicare-slashing Oh baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast You're having the spotted-owl omelette, whites only Come on baby, bust my union, raise my interest rate, light my library fire She only deals in quality narcotics and guns She's got a Mexican wallet made from real Mexicans My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every summer we go wilderness-slashing © 1995 Roy Zimmerman PASSING TRAINS A man is riding on a train, he's heading south, it starts to rain He hums a soft and sad refrain, he thinks he'll never love again On the other track a train, is heading north, through the rain A woman looks out her window pane, her life has been a lonely game Well, the two trains pass, they're moving fast Faces flicker past, for half a beat Their two eyes meet, and instantly they both can see That they were meant to be Yes it happened just like that, it hit them like a thunder crack Both of them had seen the answer to their dreams, passing on the other track So at the next stop he gets off, a love like that should not be lost He takes the next train heading north, he does not know she's done the same So they pass again, for half a beat Their two eyes meet But something's changed, it's not the same Now they can see they were not meant to be Well she knew someday it would have to end She wonders can they still be friends All the plans he made, all begin to fade As she disappears around the bend He will never, he will never be the same Deep in his heart she will remain As he hums a soft and sad refrain He thinks he'll never love again What do you think? I think he's gonna love again And again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again © 1990 Andy Breckman THERE YOU HAVE IT, THERE YOU ARE I been slipping on banana peels since I got out of bed Running round in circles till my face turns red Falling out of windows, landing on my head It's a miracle of science that I ain't dead Ain't no use, hey can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's kind of hard to believe that I made it this far There you have it, there you are I been stretched like a rubber band, strung like wire Pumped up and punctured like a bicycle tire Last time I checked, my hair was on fire My car got broken into by the tabernacle choir Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me You'd have to admit that it's kind of bizarre There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are Now I don't like to make a fuss I say let the chips fall where they will But I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus Rolling a great big rock uphill I been stapled to a chicken and thrown outdoors Chased by ravenous dinosaurs Hit by several meteors I just ran out of metaphors Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's downright irregular There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are © 2001 Andy Corwin IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie |
A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp Harry! Did you hear? They’re going to have the Tri-Wizard contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your name in the hat? Oh, Ron, you know Harry’s much too young to enter that. Hermione, this contest’ll be the greatest thing ever! What do you say, Harry? I’m sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and the Goblet Of Fire… Hermione! You’re positively… ...and Harry has more important things to think about, like whether Voldemort is actually back… He made the team, and boy it was a good one When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer But with the fourth year came a new competition When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in He didn’t want to play, but he’s playin’ anyway Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one And then he had to swim, that’s what the second task required But that maze was bad, it went on forever And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he’s in Portkey in the maze, took him so far away To Voldemort’s soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire Ah, Harry… I expected you’d find your way back to me in time… My Lord, there are two boys! And now there is one… for the moment… I have risen again… Yes my lord… welcome back, my lord… Silence, faithless cowards! And now… Harry Potter… you will finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago! Expelliarmus! Avada Kedavara! You’re doing just fine Harry… Hold on, Harry… He fought the good fight, though no one believes him There’s no celebration, no they call him a liar ’Cause a champion’s dead, though Harry retrieved him Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who’s among the graves Goblet Of Fire, still workin’ his evil ways Who’s to say the way the monster got away He keeps on gettin’ bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, Moody’s been in his trunk Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter’s some kind of ladybug Nobody’s who they say they are on their resumé It’s all on Harry’s shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire Dumbledore, surely you don’t believe that this boy actually saw He Who Must Not Be Named? Not only do I believe him… I know that Voldemort has returned! You are just stirring up trouble! I’ll have your job for this. I’m not finished with you yet, Harry Potter… © 2005 Steve Goodie DUDLEY'S CRYIN' A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt… I never liked the look of you. Why don’t you straighten your hair? You’re a freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that wand away! That’s no fair! He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary It made him feel so mad… Stop it! Stop! No! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley’s pretty large, all right He’s all beef and cheddar Eats everything in sight Holy cow, he’s a heifer He thinks he’s real clever, yeah yeah He’ll pick on any little kid whatsoever He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds Till his clothes explode altogether Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don’t understand I’m not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You’re not allowed to use that wand outside of school… Hey – hey! You’re not supposed to – Please… not the wand… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Don’t hurt me! I’ll let you eat your own dinner, I swear… and you can play with my Game Boy… and read my comic books… He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah And he’s got no manners whatsoever He says mummy, isn’t it Christmas-time Cause he knows she’ll buy him whatever Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Ouch! That hurts! You’re mean! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’... Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I don’t want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please Harry! I’ll give you back all your books, and I won’t snoop in your room anymore, and I’ll tell Father to let you eat at the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I’ve grown another tail! That’s two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C’mon, we can talk about this, can’t we? There must be something you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah? Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my dinner? She can’t have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it! Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW! All right, she can have the dessert too… Can eat one carrot? I can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble and grateful for my carrot. © 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins ROWLING MUST DELIVER A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I’ve read every Harry Potter book at least five times! I’ve seen every movie ten times! Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman? Duh! And it’s pronounced “Rolling…” It is not! It is too! Why do they only release these books at midnight? Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books when it's our turn! I’ve read every book in the series ’Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron But Rowling don’t write ’em, nearly fast enough I need a lot more c’mon c’mon c’mon Young readers keep returning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver You take way too long to complete ’em I’ve read all the old ones a hundred times And I’ve seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see On the 16th of July I’ll be the first one in line New stories keep on churning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book! Virginia, I never said that… I said… Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione! I got me a wand and a broomstick And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head Now Rowling don’t you worry, you don’t gotta hurry But you’re forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead Big pages keep on turning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver © 2005 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, “I quit this household” And I laced up both my shoes But he said “you’re not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care If you rot away in your room” But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised ’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I’m gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can’t believe it’s coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff… He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort © 2005 Steve Goodie THIS DUDE RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I met him on the train that takes the kids to school This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he was just sitting there Yeah, he had this bright red hair And he didn’t care where I come from This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He told me that he’d heard of me since he was three This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron But he didn’t mind that I was a celebrity This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he treated me good Yeah, just like a best friend should And we’re both here in Gryffindor This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron I swear, I can’t decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron, or if you’re the bad influence on Harry! Maybe it’s you, Hermione… did you ever think how much happier we’d both be if you quit nagging us to study? C’mon Harry, let’s go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again! One day when we were talking on the castle lawn This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Draco started making fun of Ron’s poor mom This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he tried to pick a fight And I was right there by Ron’s side, until Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron... Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there? Oh Ron… he’s just a boy… Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance. That’s what it says in all the papers… now we have several celebrities amongst us… © 2005 Steve Goodie MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em think that they run everything Just because of their old wizard blood Most wizards are easy to love, but some of ’em ain’t Most of ’em are tons of fun, but some’s a big pain Great big old egos and cold evil eyes You can’t trust a thing that they say If his name is Draco and he’s walkin’ by You turn and you just walk away Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let ’em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts Let ’em be Weasleys and Grangers and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born They think they’re superior, but they’re woefully misinformed They’re cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side They’re rotten old jerks to the core For more on the subject, might I suggest You check with their pal, Voldemort Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be creepy belligerent thugs Let ’em drop dead, is that asking too much? Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys That old Hogwarts school never saw such a... © 2005 Steve Goodie HERMIONE / FLY A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, but she’s got an awful lot to say Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, and she’ll be a witch someday I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yeah And someday I’ll write a punchline Harry Potter, feels a little strange As he’s been growing older He’s a wizard, which his family hates He knows he’s so out of place Then Hagrid came a-calling Took Harry off to school Now he’s got a wand and And best of all, he can Fly Soaring up above the school so fast and far away He can fly Forget about his suffering and his muggle life That boy can fly Cause it’s his time Time to fly Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else You’ve got Ron and me, Hermione, now And when you study, you study magic spells So much better than history now The Quidditch Cup is calling Can you win for Gryffindor? You’re younger and smaller But you can take it all Fly You know you’ve got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play You can fly Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly And far and wide your name is known It’s the price you have to pay For beating Voldemort years ago You fought him better than anyone else Harry Potter, how your life has changed Don’t you feel ten years older Take a minute, try to acclimate Let go of yesterday Fly… Soaring up above the school so fast and far away You can fly… Forget about your suffering and your muggle life That boy can fly Fly… Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly Harry Potter, feels a little strange © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad? Eight thousand and twelve. Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a ton of money! You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Come on Charlie… let your father rest… Charlie came from nowhere, you might say Couldn’t afford no chocolate bars, no way Every day, just cabbage soup While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes He says, “Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side” He says, “Hey Dad, that Wonka’s a wild guy” Happy birthday, Charlie! Thanks, everybody! Here’s your present, Charlie. Is it chocolate? You know it is! Go ahead, open it! Okay… wow! Candy came to Charlie just once a year With nuts! Though every day he walked past the chocolatier “I gotta get a break,” he said “Gotta get my grandpa out of bed” He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside” And the little folks go, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp… Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa? Charlie, I haven’t been out of bed in twenty years… So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay I don’t even have any clothes! Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee There was chocolate here and chocolate there And there’s Grandpa Joe in his underwear He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side” Welcome everyone! Look Grandpa! It’s just amazing, Charlie, isn’t it?! I want a grandpa, Daddy! Augustus is just floating away Oy… And Violet has become a blueberr-ay Mike is on a little TV And Veruca’s a real bad nut indeed They said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka sid |