CD #28
F. U. 2016, 2017


DICK HEADS
A parody of "Fish Heads" as performed by Barnes and Barnes


Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb

Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, mentally numb

In the fast lane, texting weaving dick heads
Then in Starbucks, holding up the line

Dick heads dick heads, imbecilic dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, buckets of scum

Ask a dick head anything you want to
He won't answer, he's looking at his phone

Dick heads dick heads, thoughtless witless dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, is this what we've become

I took a dick head out to see a movie
Didn't really enjoy it cause she talked the whole time

Dick heads dick heads, inconsiderate dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, awfully dumb

They don't read novels, they don't have manners
They're not good tippers, they don't play scrabble

Dick heads dick heads, hiding money in the Cayman Islands
Dick heads dick heads, they're a bunch of self-important bastards

Stupid douche-y dick heads are never seen at the checkout counter
paying for their purchases in an efficient and timely manner, yeah

Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb

Dick heads dick heads, blocking legislation
Dick heads dick heads, ignorant scum

Dick heads dick heads, hunting endangered rhinos
Dick heads dick heads, arrogant and dumb

Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads
Dick heads dick heads, voting for Trump

© 2016 SG



The "Weird Al" Country Medley

How come you're always such a fussy young man
Don't want no Cap'n Crunch don't want no raisin bran
Well don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch, just eat it

Well I'm yelling and we're playing, but I don't know what I'm saying
What's the message I'm conveying, can you tell me what I'm saying, no!

I'm going to the hardware store

People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
But the Frenchies think that my poop don't stink, I'm a genius in France

Talk with your mouth full, bite the hand that feeds you, bite off more than you can chew
Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid

And another comes on and another comes on, another one rides the bus
Hey, I'm gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus

I just can't understand it, why won't you return my phone calls
Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat
Oh Melanie, what can the problem be
Sweet Melanie, why won't you go out with me

I'm driving a truck, driving a big old truck, pedal to the metal hope I don't run out of luck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon, driving a truck with my high heels on

Everybody shut up!
Okay here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
Literacy is your mission, so that's why I think it's a good time

And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
Merry Christmas y'all, now you're all gonna die
The night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain

I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed
Oh my Yoda, yo yo yo ya yoda, yo yo you ya yoda

They see me mowing my front lawn, I know that they're thinking I'm too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy
OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy

© 1979 – 2014 “Weird Al” Yankovic



I WANNA EAT A BIG PIECE OF CHEESE

I wanna eat a big piece of cheese
A big piece of cheese, dipped in antifreeze
I wanna eat a big piece of cheese
Right before bed

I really enjoy gastric reflux
Gastric reflux, and barbecued ducks
I really enjoy gastric reflux
And waking up choking and panicking

Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams
Like I'm in the Philippines, living on soup and jelly beans
Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams
About ducks and Anthony Hopkins and oatmeal

Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle
Substitute for spackle, or Vietnamese Scrabble
Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle
But it's slightly more tasty

I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle
A big bowl of spackle, at the Mormon Tabernacle
I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle
With raisins and turnips and drywall screws

I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport
In the Buffalo airport, and it's too late to abort
I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport
When Northwest lost my luggage

I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush
My Harry Potter toothbrush, though I don't use it all that much
I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush
And my mint flavored Voldemort floss

I liked the books way better than the movies
Better than the movies, which can kiss my booty
I liked the books way better than the movies
Cause too much got left out

I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese
A huge piece of cheese, all covered in fleas
I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese
And puke it on that kid who keeps screaming

© 2016 SG



THE YEAR THE BIG-MOUTH ASSHOLE FUCKING WON

It was the year of Rio Olympics
And Zika bugs and selfie sticks
When the GOP they picked a prick
Fifty years ago, I tell ya son
That was the year the big-mouth asshole won

I know it's hard to fathom now
How he got his little hands on the white house
When he casually told his angry white crowd
I'll pay for your lawyer, now go beat up someone
Yeah, that was the year the big-mouth asshole won

That's right, he won, yeah he took it all
Even while the Ku Klux Klan endorsed him, y'all
He thought using nukes was a top-notch option
Yeah, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won

Yeah he denied the fact that he'd
Filed bankruptcy after bankruptcy
On casinos for the love of pete
We saw his amazing business acumen
The year the big-mouth orange asshole won

He worked the crowd like a con-man
Kept his words small just like his hands
Doubling down when questioned and
Giving no apology or retraction
Cause it was the year the big-mouth orange asshole won

Somehow he won, yeah he took it all
The year we heard them screaming, build that wall
It was a particularly tough year to be a Muslim American
Cause it was the year the big-mouth asshole won

First he stood for this, then he stood for that
Like a registered Republicrat
He called women whores and gross and fat
And he promised punishments for abortions
And still somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won

In the land of willful illiteracy
We learned the word oligarchy
And also demagoguery
And open unwashed blatant racism
Still, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won

Somehow he won, yeah he took it all
But this thin-skinned emperor has no balls
We started to envy the North Koreans
The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won

And according to Sean Hannity, the zombie scandal at Benghazi
Was Hillary's fault entirely, so it really didn't hurt that she
Was as disliked as Donald T., as he riled up society
So sure that he and only he could come up with yuuuuge solutions
The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won

We thought it was all wrapped up for her
All the votes were cast, and our voices heard
We thought we'd flushed that mouthy turd
Then everybody blamed someone
They blamed Jill Stein and Gary Johnson
And the DNC for making Hillary the one
As we spun ever closer to the sun
The year the big-mouth narcissistic, xenophobic, misogynistic, megalomaniacal,
morally and fiscally bankrupt, bullying, bigoted, selfish, ignorant, conceited, moronic,
ugly, egomaniacal, carnivorous, domineering, patronizing, macho, flabby, cheap,
constipated, homicidal, barbaric, thoughtless, useless, tasteless, freeloading, pre
pubescent, sexually-frustrated, short-sighted, dim-witted, money-hungry, pussy-grabbing,
donut-eating, couch-sitting, gas-passing, pedophile asshole...
Fucking won

© 2016 SG and Carla Ulbrich



DUMB AMERICANS

It was the year 2-0-1-6 when it went down, it went south
Celebrity lives were crumbling, way way too young
David Bowie left us then and there, very first thing, back in January
And then it seemed that, out of nowhere, the Donald started winning everything, and

Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans
Dumb Americans, dumb Americans, we are some dumb Americans
Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans

We veered right into Iowa and New Hampshire
Then we heard that Prince was gone
Then Donald knocked out Bush Carson and Christie, meanwhile we lost Muhammed Ali
And as we freaked out over his hype and his bragging
And we learned about his little hands
Dear Gene Wilder got swooped right along
And then we all cried when George Martin was gone

And oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans
Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans
Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans

Do you remember, old president Nixon
Do you remember the ills he brought our way
We're back to yesterday

He's a Kim Jong Un-American, and without Severus Snape to guide us
Believing smears and rumors and lies, who cares if the Kremlin compromises us

Nyet nyet nyet, there's no Russian aggression
You're just blinded by your mass depression
Without Mrs. Brady we make lousy decisions, and R2D2 isn't in remission

And now Zsa Zsa is gone, and goodbye to Leonard Cohen
But why'd we have to elect this dope, just because our hearts are broken and

Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans
We lost Garry Shandlin', and Merle Haggard and, we are some dumb Americans
Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans

He's just a pimp and he's just a hustler
He's filling the swamp with his billionaire monsters
Denying climate-change, and grabbing all of the wealth and
Taking charity money buying paintings of himself, yeah

I read fake news today, oh boy
We got beat in a stunning defeat
Rich white man says whatever he wants
Brags about grabbing ladies by the… birth canal

Really doesn't matter if he always gets busted
She erased some emails, so she can't be trusted
See how you feel when medicare is gone
And all because we had to go and tell… Princess Leia and her mom goodbye...

Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans
Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans
Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans

I want John Glenn back, I want Glenn Frye, and Jose Fernandez
Oh my God, hang on Betty White

Too many, too many gone
We lost Leon Russell, we lost Ron Glass, and George Michael, WHAM they're all gone

Growing Pains hurt, dammit… and that's not right, it's not right, it's not right alt-right
We are some dumb Americans

© 2016 SG



SHIT SHOWER AND SHAVE

I know we must be dashing in a last-minute fashion my dear
So I will give you a preview of how little I need to do to get out of here

I don't have a clue what other girls do
They take over an hour or two, I'd rather spend it with you
Instead of in the loo, cause all I gotta do is

Shit, shower, and shave
Shit, shower, and shave
Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way

You don't want me dirty, you don't want me late
Give me less than thirty babe, and I can look like I took all day
Cause all I gotta do is

Shit, shower, and shave
Shit, shower, and shave
Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way

I'm low-maintenance, very nice to make your acquaintance
Other bitches keep your clock ticking
While we'd already be on the road tripping

Shit, shower, and shave
Shit, shower, and shave baby
Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way
So let's be on our way
So let's be on our way

© 2016 Stephanie Woods and SG



CHEAT SHEETS

She married a jerk, a mean little twerp
He stares at all the other girls, and don't care about her
He's such an idiot, taking her for granted
He hasn't even noticed this new dude she's landed
She hasn't cheated like this since final exams at school
Now she's studying up how to play this fool

She lays out the cheat sheets
On the bed around 3 pm
She has a quick little quickie, things get a little icky
Then she switches em back again
She says most of the commandments are really suggestions
And breaking vows is an age old tradition and
Hell she's practically a politician
When she pulls out the cheat sheets

She's learned to live a double life
Cause she's prepared to pay
The price of some extra detergent
To wash out some extra dna
She says baby eighty thread count is more than enough
Cause these days she says she likes it rough

She lays out the cheat sheets
On her reinforced bed frame
They do the horizontal mambo
And then the wash of shame
Now I'm not sayin' I'm against role-playin'
But who are you foolin' with all your canoodlin'
If you're a-sinnin', at least change the linen
Bust out the cheat sheets

She's gotta cover her tracks, playing doubles in the sack
She's got them both by the short hairs, cause they're everywhere

She lays out the cheat sheets
Yeah she got them second hand
On the afternoon of her wedding
From the damn best man
She likes to keep things nice and neat
Her whips and chains and cuffs and cleats
Her collars, clamps, and studded leash
Cause she's the one in charge, capiche?
She's got the cheat sheets
Yeah she's got the cheat sheets
She's got the cheat sheets

© 2016 SG



BLUE BAYOOBS

When you're a smurf with a dirty mind
Feeling naughty all the time
Much too short to catch anyone's eye
What can a blue dude do

Giant ladies just pass you by
Cause you're only three apples high
And you're the color of the summer sky
Oh blue hoo hoo hoo

That's why the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play
With your blue bayoobs
I can see in your eyes, you don't care about size
Extra small will do
It's been a long long time, and some parts of mine
Might turn a deeper blue
So what do you say, you let me play
With your blue bayoobs

Popeye has lovely Olive Oyl
Homer has Marge for his girl
And Wilma's loincloth makes Fred soil
His yabba dabba do

But this a cute kids' cartoon
This is not fifty shades of blue
Stop thinking 'bout Smurfette's wazoo
What is wrong with you

Still the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play
With your blue bayoobs
You're the only girl is this cartoon world
I hope you're in the mood
I brought a tube of bloob, it's this new blue lube
That I bought from Scooby Doo
So what do you say, you let me play
With your blue bayoobs

I brought carnations for you, hoping for a view
Of your two blue bayoobs

© 2016 SG



DOWNTOWN

If you're older like me, the new vocabulary
Is quite a mystery, what's downtown?
Young adults use these terms, like garages and worms
They're all Greek to me, and what is downtown?

They take a lame pickup line, and they find a brand new way to ask it
Like girl I wonder how can I get inside your goodie basket
Oh nice, subtle, well everyone knows
20-somethings have their own lexicon
So I can't understand, what the hell's going on, when they're going

Downtown, what do they mean by that
Downtown, exploring the cabbage patch
Downtown, and what's Notorious VAG

They keep changing this stuff, I can never keep up
With all these epithets, like downtown
No you may not leave this house, to meet some trouser mouse
From the internet, young lady, downtown

We gotta learn these nasty terms that they just toss about
Like the itsy bitsy spider's gonna climb your shrouded spout
Okay, what the hell is that?
I have no idea what anybody is saying
And they call me a grandpa, say I got no game

What is downtown, everyone knows but me
Downtown, so help me urban dictionary
Downtown, why would that boy want an easy bake oven?

In twenty years they'll understand my elderly frustration
These kids today they think that they invented copulation
Such attitude
Cause I don't know the words, I get millennial scorn
But I was banging your mom years before you were born

Took her to pound town, oh have I embarrassed you?
Downtown, flicked the little guy in the canoe
Pound town, we got freaky and funky, went
Downtown, gave a banana to the monkey
Pound town, teaching the boys to swim
Downtown, yes your mom went full Lewinski
Downtown, she was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off
if you know what I mean

© 2016 SG



HE AIN'T BREATHING

I was doing some dumpster diving
When I heard the couple across the way fighting
I ducked down so they wouldn’t know I heard
When apparently she got the last word
I think she stabbed him!

She tagged him and bagged him and dragged him outside
Heaved him in the dumpster to gather flies
Now with all the slim jims and bottles of brew
Suddenly this dumpster had seating for two

He was dead, and I held his hand
Couldn’t believe she walked away from this perfect man
I’d been single for so long and dammit, this was my chance

He ain’t breathin’, but he’s all mine
Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine
She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity
No he ain’t breathin’, but he’s everything to me

I make him dinner, he’s never late
He loves my cooking, though he can’t masticate
That’s a fancy word for chewing, which he ain’t really doing
Cause his face is stuck
Eat them taters baby… open up for the airplane!

He’s my snuggle buddy, we hold cold hands
As we watch Frozen over and over again
My parents hate him, they blow up my phone
But he's my stinky dinky, they tell me let it go, let it go

He ain’t breathin’, but he’s all mine
Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine
He’ll never knock me up, he’ll never lie or cheat
No he ain’t breathin’, it's better than a vasectomy

The only good guy is a dead guy
That’s what Nana would always say
Who could be more loyal, than a guy who’s passed away

We like BDSM, he’s so into submission
And these days I get to pick every position
Our love is so uncommon, now I’m studying embalmin’
Now when we do it, who gets to inject who with fluids?

Like magic he’s always ready to go, abracadabra
He should be the poster boy for viagara
The neighbors might complain about the noise and report us
But there’s no little pill that keeps you stiff like, rigor mortis
If your erection lasts more than four years, consult your mortician

He ain’t breathin’, but he’s all mine
Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine
She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity
No he ain’t breathin’, but he’s everything to me
He's my expiration date
No he ain’t breathin’, OMG! RIP!
Necrophilia's only a felony in seventeen states, right?

© 2016 SG and Karly Driftwood



OH DARN IT

Made a big mistake letting you go
I can't do my own laundry so I'm commando
You defragged my hard drive and fixed my mac
You unstuck the zipper on my backpack

But now you've gone and woe is me
I can't do a thing for myself you see
Can't find my keys where can they be
And one more thing is really driving me crazy

There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you
I've tried staples and thumbtacks and velcro and Elmer's glue
Oh darn it, please darn it

I can't even butter my bread
I'll never figure out needle and thread
This hole's so big my toe sticks through
Yeah when I get sweaty, it sticks to my shoe

I miss your kiss and your company
But mostly I miss the things you did for me
Like the way you repaired my PS3
And you put the seat up when I need to pee

Now there's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you
I'm a poor helpless guy with no clue what I'm supposed to do
There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you
I've tried rivets and spackle and three kinds of gorilla glue
Oh darn it, oh darn it
Oh darn it, oh darn it
Oh darn it
Please darn it, please darn it

© 2016 SG and Anita Jackson



STEVE'S HARRY POTTER MEDLEY

Ever since I've been at Hogwarts…
You're a magician…
I felt so doomed…
Probably dead meat…
In that goblet of fire…
Oh, Dudley's…
Under my cloak…
I can't wait…
Rowling must deliver…
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be…
Malfoy, Malfoy…
Hermione's a pretty nice girl but she's got an awful lot to say…
Yeah, just like a best friend should…
Soaring up above the school…
Avada Kedrava…
Snape's after you Dumbledore…
I can't wait…
All I ever do is act Pottery…
I am the horcrux…
So I let him kill me…
Umbridge bloody…
I'm going, yes I'm going…
She's Harry's girl…
Dobby can you hear…
Harry, Harry...

© 2001 - 2016 SG



NINA

Well I wrote a little song about Harry Potter
And it struck a big chord with Al Yankovic's daughter
That was a few years back, I'm sure she's moved on
But for a little while there, I was the bomb

Oh Nina, oh Nina, I have yet to meet ya
But according to your weird old man, you're a big old fan of mine
And that is so cool!
Oh Nina, oh Nina, sure your dad's a genius
But Dumbledore beats a hardware store every time
Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, me too!

Well I really wanted you to hear this song
It's only one minute twenty-seven seconds long
So at the risk of being sent to a sanitorium
I went backstage at the Ryman Auditorium
To give it to your dad, to pass on to you

Oh Nina, oh Nina, I wanted to thank you by tweetin' ya
But that would be creepy, so instead I wrote you a song
Much more appropriate
Oh Nina, oh Nina, you and your Mom and Dad and Sandy and Dina
Are the coolest little family ever, like, awesome
And I bet you have the bestest house in all of California, cause I bet it's got...

Suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, and trouble-making poltergeists and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible...
And 15,000 Hawaiian shirts
(Thanks Dad)
and YOU... NINA! You are the very coolest
And by the way, I'm available to play bat mitzvahs... and weddings!


© 2016 SG and Melissa Miller



THE TWIT IN TWITTER

It's really hard to write songs about Donald... because nothing rhymes with... orange

I've done dumb things with my smart phone
When it's 3 am and I'm all alone
Like texting some exes, while leasing a Lexus
On two phones at once, because I'm ambidextrous
I'm tweeting and swiping, snap chatting and skyping
Then dumping my data, straight down the crapp-a
But there's one dumb thing I've never done
And that's tweet us all into oblivion

Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters
From his golden shitter in the sky
He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location
A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite
He's a big fat womanizer, full of fertilizer
Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter
And he's scaring the twit out of me

It's 3:15 in the morning… and...

He's tweeting a zinger, to a popular singer
Straight from his sphincter, on a shiny new phone
He's tweeting us inta, nuclear winta
With itty bitty fingers, is this guy stoned?
Little thumbs are scootin', while he's convolutin'
The constitution, and sexting with Putin

Oh Vladmir my dear… how I wish you were here
You're my big strong puppeteer, does this make us… comrades?
Da. Oh, da! Da da da da DA DA DA DA!
That was HUUUUGE!

Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters
From his golden shitter in the sky
He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location
A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite
He's a mental Lilliputian
With overly simple solutions (that Mexico is gonna pay for)
Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter
And he's scaring the twit out of me
Cause I'm a whiny butt-hurt snowflake libtard…
He's scaring the twit out of me

© 2017 SG and Malachi Davis



I LOVE MY JOB

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it… till I believe it

I love to work, I love to work, I love to work work work
I love the man who hired me, that stinky stupid jerk
I love my stupid cubicle, and zero privacy
And I really love my co-workers who live to bother me

I love the office coffee, it’s a special vomit brew
I love the office copier, from 1982
I love to park a mile away, when I pull an all-night-ah
And someone tell me what the hell is FICA

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it… till I believe it

I teach the latest software to the elderly
And then I train the youngsters who’ll take my job from me
My computer is so ancient that it has a floppy drive
And Windows 95

I love the office restroom, it’s always squeaky clean
I wave and wave and beg the stupid paper-towel machine
The motion-sensor faucet works so perfectly – not
And the toilet likes to flush mid-squat

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it… till I believe it

In the elevator I tell a naughty joke
I offend a twenty-something, turns out she’s the CEO
So I’m scrubbing her Mercedes, and smooching up her rear
Ten more years till pension, and I am OUT of here

I love to go to Staples where I pay for post-it notes
I love that I could die right here and nobody would know
Everyone’s a corporate slacking whining millennial
And I’d quit – but I just don’t have the genitals

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it… till I believe it

© 2014 SG and Maria Tucker


CD #27
What, And Quit Showbiz??!!, 2016


LOVE ME (ON) TINDER
A parody of "Love Me Tender," "All Shook Up," and "Hound Dog" as performed by Elvis Presley


Love me on Tinder, love me sweet
I don’t have all night
And you’re within 100 feet
So swipe me to the right

Love me on Tinder, swipe me through
Say my dreams are real
You have a smoking profile pic
And darlin’ I’d like to cop a feel

Bathroom selfie, 3 am
Boy I sure look fine
You’d never know I’m three foot ten
Or that my hair ain’t mine

Love me on Tinder, love me fast
I love this f’ing app
I’ve got two more after you
Hope no one’s got... the measles

Love me on Tinder, hey you’ll do
Your name, sure, I’d like to know (why not?)
We’ll be done in just a few
I don’t actually love you… so…?

Well bless my soul, you look so good
And you’re right here in my neighborhood
You like my smile, and I like your butt
It ain’t love… but let’s hook up

Mmmm mmmm, oo oo, yeah yeah, let’s hook up

Well this one’s a honey, this one’s a ho
It’s three in the morning, let’s go

I ain’t nothing but a horndog, scrounging all the time
I ain’t never had a woman ’cept the skanks I find online

© 2015 SG, Maya Rogel, and Carla Ulbrich



THOSE THINGS YOU DO
A parody of "That Thing You Do," as performed by The Wonders


You, gotta stop doing those things you do
As of today you can't be gay in the Hoosier State
Cause that makes us go ewww

Soon you'll, have to go to different schools
Cause we don't want to explain to our sweet children
Those icky things you do

Cause God says guys shouldn't lie with guys
Though two girls are kinda cool
Yeah someone's got to stop those things you do

We, know all the games you play
And we knew someday we'd find a way to
Straighten out you wicked gays through legislation

Cause we, like Christianity
That's what the founding fathers had in mind when
They broke it off with England

Yeah why should we try to accept you guys
When the bible's literally true
And it says we should stone you for doing those things you do

We don't know a whole lot, but we know one thing for sure
We know Hoosier daddy, and you better get outta Indiana's back door

Cause we, are a decent society
And we don't allow this sort of gross misconduct
Though we do like fraternities

You can try and fight for your civil rights
But we're standing with Ted Cruz
And we're gonna stop you doing those things
Only we get wedding rings
We can't take you doing those things you do

© 2015 SG



I'M DONALD TRUMP
A parody of "Get This Party Started," as performed by Pink
With a mini-parody of "The Wall," as performed by Pink Floyd


I'm…. Donald Trump, and I'm here to crash the Grand Old Party
I'm…. Donald Trump, and you'll vote for me or you're retarded

Everybody's running leaning hard to the right
A commie's in the house that is supposed to be white
You won't catch me saying anything that's PC
America is ready for a genius like me
I make so much money that my poop doesn't stink
And we should round up all the Muslims, yeah, that's what I think

I'm…. Donald Trump, and America will be so classy
I'm…. Donald Trump, gonna kick that ISIS in the assy

Reaching out to voters with my message of win
Everybody out if you got that brown evil skin
Liberals don't like it when I say what I want
And Megyn Kelly's crying like a leaky tampon
Look at me if you don't know what to wear
Call me super-PAC MAN, and yes this is my hair

I'm…. Donald Trump, and yes I am the grownup Cartman
I'm…. Donald Trump, let's get that wall for beaners started
We don't need no immigration

I made me a fortune, a proud American
With no help, but the million I got from my old man
I'll dress up the White House with T. R. U. M. P.
Lots of big old letters and no refugees
Pumping up my ego with my name everywhere
Gotta compensate for what's in my underwear

I'm…. Donald Trump, let's forget my ties are all imported
I'm…. Donald Trump, so I hope you like your facts distorted
Get these guys deported
My facts are unsupported
Better close the borders, right now

© 2015 SG and Stephen DeBonrepos



ENDOSCOPE
A parody of "Your Horoscope For Today," as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic


Happy birthday!
Now you're fifty years old and you'd rather not have to be thinking about a colonoscopy
It's more pleasant to deny the fact that colo-rectal cancer kills a half a million people every year

Your medical plan!
Says preventive care is something they provide for free just for you (thanks Obama!)
So get ready to let them hunt for polyps and ulcers and tumors in your rear

Don't worry!
Hey, doesn't it sound like fun to have a camera up inside in your colon
Um, is there an alternate approach, like an X-ray or a cancer-sniffing dog, they all say nope

This gadget!
Is mounted on a tube and can remove tiny polyps for examination later on (wow!)
And apropos to this procedure they call this rectal selfie-stick an endoscope

That's an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (say cheese!)
There must be some other way…. yay yay yay yay yay
No that's an endoscope up your A (I need more light.. boy, the sun really doesn't shine up here)

You just gotta do this, that's what everyone says, quit being such a baby
Call the doctor and make an appointment and eventually the nice receptionist will call you back

Get ready!
She tells you that for three days you'll be feasting on nothing but broth just like a lingerie model
To roto-root and clear out every tiny little bit of fecal matter clinging to your digestive tract

Ew!
You also gotta clear your schedule to allow extra quality time with your toilet (oh no)
Go to Walgreens and ask them for economy-sized strawberry-flavored industrial-strength laxatives

Oh boy!
And stop at the library to borrow giant stacks of reading material (yeah… just keep this stuff)
And now it's three days on the pot with lots and lots of Harry Potter and constant explosive flatulence

And then an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (you may feel a little pressure...)
Without the slightest bit of foreplay…. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (Get my good side! Wait! My eyes were closed!)

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that a camera that's crammed inside your butt
could have the slightest chance of seeing anything carcinogenic that's attached itself inside your large intestine
but according to the internet there's every indication that your chances of surviving through your fifties are pathetic unless you submit yourself to this undignified procedure and you put your trust and faith in modern western medicine…
where was I?

It's time!
Now you're ready to let them go where no man has ever gone before
You're smart, you got an early appointment so you'll have the whole day to recover from PTSD

Lie down!
You get a gown that covers nothing in the back so your crack is on display for absolutely everyone
And now you realize the brilliance of this simple yet ubiquitous design for maximized visibility

Anesthesia!
Curl up in a ball like the baby you've become and then there's drugs (ooooo)
Soon you're sleeping and dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and not the thing that's up your personal space

Recovery!
Now it's over and you're hoping that they didn't find a tumor or a spatula or anything humiliating
You get a friend to drive you home and sit and binge The Walking Dead all day while stuffing chocolate in your stupid face

That was an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay
That was an endoscope up your A (scared the crap out of me!)
Read the card on that bouquet…. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (everybody!)

That's an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (now just the pharmaceutical salespeople!)
You want to grow old like George Takei…. yay yay yay yay yay
Well shove an endoscope up your A (where's my lollipop?)

© 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich



WALK OF SHAME
A parody of "Danke Schoen," as performed by Wayne Newton


Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame
Thank you for all the sheets we stained
Even though, we made love consensually
We knew potentially, eventually
You'd be on the street, in your bare feet

Walk of Shame, why you call it Walk of Shame
I don't see the need for these phony names
If you were a guy, you'd do the Strut of Pride
But since you wore a dress, and were my guest
Now you regret, jumping in bed

Walk of Shame, it's time for the Walk of Shame
Down the alley, behind Lover's Lane
Sexually, I say c'est la vie
But you're afraid, of the price to be paid
So put on your shades, and join the parade

Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame
Obviously you're unlikely to want to see me again
Though now we go our own separate ways
While you stumble home, I'm here alone
Trolling tinder on my phone

Walk of Shame, oh darling, Walk of Shame
A thousand times you've said, “never never never never never never again!”
At that bar we closed, your picture's in a frame
So the memory stays for always
That walk is your claim to fame
Walk of Shame, auf wiedersehen
Walk of Shame, what was your name?

© 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich



SLEEP WITH THE WHOLE BAND
A parody of the "Be A Pepper" television commercial


I play all the instruments on my songs
I don't hire a band to play along
So if you're a girl who finds me kinda cute
Here's some facts that you might want to compute

I'm the singer, I'm the bassist
I play drums and keys let's face it
All of them are me, it's sad but true

I play guitar, I write the songs
They’re typically sixty seconds long
So ask yourself if that'll really do

You love music and comedy, but
You don’t want your friends to call you Slut
So come fulfill your teenage fantasy
Of doing a whole band, monogamously

I'm the driver, roadie, coffee bringer,
Backup singer, triangle ringer
Sound guy and choreographer too

Your bucket list can go much faster
Seven matching plaster casters
Hey I’ll even sign ‘em for you

Sleep with me and ya sleep with the whole band
The manager's a dork but the piano man is all hands
Hey where ya going we're just getting started
The singer's lonely and the drummer's broken-hearted
Hey babe I know, one or two positions
So why does God hate comedy musicians

I gotta pee

© 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich



I JUST SNEEZED IN MY PIE
A parody of "I Believe I Can Fly," as performed by R. Kelly


I used to think that I could do no wrong
In awkward situations I'd be so strong
But out to eat with friends, it's late in the evening
Not the best moment for, a giant fit of sneezing
I can't believe this, it's my damn allergies, yes
They've got me on my knees-es-es, oh please help me Jesus-es-es

I just sneezed in my pie
And in Bob's salad and Martha's fries
Denny's open every night and day
But they never seen nothing fly that way
Now the waitress is sore
Got me running out that kitchen door
I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie
I just sneezed in my pie

Nobody else shot any snot, just me
I am why, my apple pie got booger-y
I horrified my friends, all twelve of them
It was just like the last supper, but with extra phlegm
If I could have stopped it, or somehow could have blocked it
I'd have taken my nose and padlocked it, or aimed my snot-rocket into my pocket, but no...

I just sneezed in my pie
And right in Bob's grilled tilapi-i
Denny's open every day and night
But I ruined everybody's appetite
Now the waitress is sore
She grand slammed me to the floor
I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie
I just sneezed in my pie

© 1998 – 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich



THE GUMP-BIEBER-POOP MEDLEY
A parody of "Jenny / 867-5309," as performed by Tommy Tutone, "Cat Scratch Fever" as performed by Ted Nugent,
and "Lookin' Out My Back Door" as performed by Credence Clearwater Revival


Jenny Jenny, you're the girl for me
You don't know it but you make me so happy

Jenny I got your number, I need to make you mine
Jenny don't change your number, 867-5309
I am not a smartphone, but I know what your number is, 867-5309

Well I hate his stupid music but all the kids idolize him
Rock star at age 13
And now he’s vandalizing houses, getting DUI’s and
He’s the only thing on TV
Man I hate that brat Bieber, that brat Bieber

Just got home from Taco Bell, unlock the front door, oh hell
Got to sit down, get relief on the throne
Ate two great big chalupas, now I'm full of poop-ahs
And there’s doo doo doo, pokin’ out my back door

I can’t get my front door open, my stupid key is broken
Gotta make it to the crapper, please somebody let me in
Them tacos I was hoggin’, now I’m doing some prairie-doggin’
And there’s doo doo doo, lookin’ out my back door

Chorizo seems so innocent, but it’s started to expand
And my insides are at high-tide it’s true, doo doo doo
In my crap condition, I must assume the position
And there’s doo doo doo, lookin’ out my back door

My sphincter’s ready to deploy, I’m backed up like an altar boy
And it’s a damn emergency, gotta get into the john
It’s fiber one tomorrow, today I’m Kilimanjaro
And there’s doo doo doo, blowin’ out my back door

© 2015 SG, Ty Hager, and Stephanie Woods



I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE TOILET

I was texting with six friends at once
When nature called and would not be forestalled
So I brought the phone with me onto the throne, thinking
They can't smell a text, so they'd never know, but then

I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet
My droid took a dive, what am I gonna do
My whole life's in that phone, now my life's in the toilet
And if you think your life stinks, oh boo hoo hoo hoo

Between my knees my cell fell two feet to hell
All my contacts and pictures and games I can't lose
I just gotta retrieve it, but I'd rather leave it
Forget rubber gloves, I need a damn hazmat suit

Cause I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet
My whole life's in that phone and now my phone's in the loo
It won't help to boil it, my life's in the toilet
Public service announcement, don't text and poo

As I stand here transfixed, I might be sick
It's not the bandwidth, it's just so damn ripe
How will folks get in touch, I use that thing so much
But it coulda been worse, yeah it could've been Skype
Hey Steve… where's your phone?

Where it's dark as a dunghole and stinky and ewww
Where the finest of caviar, is the same as beef stew
Where it's vile and it's nasty with bacteria galore
That's where you'll find the droid I'm looking for

Samsung, in the loo, everybody's dropped one...

© 2015 SG, Carla Ulbrich, and Jenny Casey



F U R2D2
A parody of "Kyle Are You Ian?" as performed by Scooter Picnic


There’s a tiny little droid kinda looks like a salt-shaker
Can’t really talk but he beeps like a wise-acre
Little piece of junk who steals every scene
From the swamps of Degoba to the sands of Tattoine

Some people think he’s cute but I think he’s a creep
He can open every door, he can always have a peep
That’s worse than Superman’s x-ray vision
Cause no matter what the codes, R2D2 has permission

To raid your bank account or take pictures of your wife
And post them on your facebook, and that sh*t isn’t right
He can screw up Idol, he can screw up The Voice
And dammit that sh*t is supposed to be people’s choice

He can mess with an election, he can always get his way
That’s what happened in Florida in Y2K
I think that’s terrible, evil, and deplorable
But everyone thinks he’s cute, yeah the girls think he’s adorable

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
You’re as attractive to me as Pelosi in a see-through
So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
I’ll take you to the airport and send you to Puerto Rico
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2

He could solve global warming but he just makes it worse
And he sucks at rhyming and he sucks at free-verse
He comes drunk to a party and he’ll never ever leave
He’s got real bad breath for a dude who doesn’t breathe

He likes showing crappy holograms for everyone to see
But some of those holograms aren’t exactly rated G
Like the time the Emperor had his way with Darth Vader
The droid put that sh*t on youtube a day later

And I didn’t need to see Vader on his knees
Using the Force to its logical extremes
But even that wouldn’t have been offensive to me
But everyone knows holograms are 3-D

Agh! My eyes! I’m in a permanent cringe
Thanks you little bastard, now my retinas are singed
I can’t unremember what you just made me see
Three-P-O, how could you let him do this to me

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
You ruined my life, and ended my libido
So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
Should have left you in the swamp, or mailed you to Escondido
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2

Some might say I’m totally wrong
They say R2 is fine, this is a terrible song
They can think what they want, but did they ever consider
He could have blown up the death star on his own, the little shitter

While we were risking the lives of all those good guys
He could have phoned in a code and de-Imperial-ized
The whole galaxy without lifting a digit
But he didn’t cause he’s a malicious metal midget

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
My stupid smart-phone has this dream to be you
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2

F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
There's must be a way to Control-Alt-Delete you
F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2

© 2012 SG, Ian Bonds, and Kyle Carrozza



ITCHY SONG #1,543
A parody of "Witchy Woman," as performed by The Eagles


Way down there, I've got an itch
Hard to reach with my fingertips
It drives me crazy, all damn night
I hope the doctor can make this right

Itchy scrotum, please Doc, I need some fungicide
Itchy scrotum, I'm not immune to the lice

Well I know you want a lover, better find another
Don't be sleeping in this nasty bed
Something funky's going round, some fungus in this town
It'll keep you busy scratching till your junk turns red

Itchy scrotum, why oh why oh why
Itchy scrotum, who gave me genital lice

© 2015 SG



MY DOG NEVER MULTI-TASKS

I've learned so much from my dog
He lives the most contented life
Sniffing and humping and sleeping and I've
Always tried to magnify his joy and never spoil it
I'm learning from the master, who's drinking happily from the toilet

My dog never multi-tasks
When he's licking his ass, he's licking his ass
He's not on the phone and making tea
And checking email while watching TV
And working craigslist simultaneously
No when my dog licks his ass, he just licks his ass

They say it's a dogs life when things go wrong
But I have never understood
Why napping all day is anything but good
If I could heighten all my senses, there's so much he could teach
But like inner peace and Nirvana, there are some things l just can't reach

My dog does one thing, that's all
When he's licking his balls, he's licking his balls
He's not shopping online and acquiring more possessions
And making gluten-free pasta and popping anti-depressants
And replacing all his light bulbs with fluorescents
No when my dog licks his balls, he just licks his balls
Man I wish I could… do just one thing at a time...

© 2015 SG and Carla Ulbrich



DO YOUR JOB
A parody of "I Love My Job," as performed by Steve Goodie


Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job
Or you’re gonna learn the meaning of convictions
We elected you to do your job, so sign the freakin' forms
Or your backward ass is going back to prison

Way down in Kentucky there’s some folks who want to go
To the courthouse to get married, but the clerk there tells them no
Cause the institute of marriage is just too sacred for words
And she’d prefer it if you didn’t mention, all four of hers

She’s in love with Jesus and she thinks she has the duty
To perpetuate some bigotry toward those she thinks are fruity
When they show up at her office in their full monogamy
She says, God is my authority (praise Huckabee!)

Do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job
You’re legally required to sign this license
You can quit, but cut the sh*t, you are not permitted
To choose which laws receive your compliance (do I hear banjos?)

The Bible has to win, so the constitution’s tossed
Cause her brain’s the only thing she has that’s recently been washed
Her bible clearly states, it’s one woman and one guy
At least in Morehead, KY

She loves her fellow humans, she bears ill will toward none
She’ll be happy to, issue you, a nice license for a gun
But try to choose the spouse for you, she has a hissy fit
So in her cell she'll sit

Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin job
Who are you to say who can get married
What would Jesus do, that long haired hippie Jew
He’d say shut your hole and go hitch up the fairies
(Well, he'd say it nicer than that...)

She speaks with her creator, all day long she has his ear
And she's quite convinced that it's a sin to tolerate the queers
She thinks she's Rosa Parks, standing up for something bigger
But she's the freakin' driver, saying back of the bus, n-----

She likes to play the martyr, cause she feels so persecuted
She likes her country pure and her religion undiluted
Denying others' rights gets her all kinds of limelight
So she won't quit… damn, you really can't fix stupid

She says I love I love I love I love my job job job
And no you homos cannot make me do it
I love I love I love I love my God God God
And your sissy civil rights? Ah, screw it!

It's your job, do your job
Do your job, do your job dammit

© 2015 SG, Carla Ulbrich, and Maria Tucker



NICE GUYS FINISH LAST


Your mama said go find yourself a nice man like your dad
And you’re all like “Boring! They leave me snoring, who has time for that?”
But your mama had it right, and I’ll tell you why
That punk-ass jerk you’re dating got nothing on a real nice guy

Cause nice guys finish last, so you can finish first
He’s not just into getting his, he’s really into yours
Bad boys might be sexy, but they’ll treat you like liverwurst
Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first

Now good guys get a bad rap, for never getting drunk and never getting into fights
You think they’re totally unable to ever stand up for themselves but hell they’ll stand up for you all night
They’ll hold your hand and hold your hair when you’re blitzed off your butt
That dork with the diet Dr. Pepper, he can still get up

Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first
When it comes to hers and his, he’s totally 100% undeniably into getting her hers
He has a sensibile car and he has a way of making that kitty purr
Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first

So it’s come to this, your mama had it right
If your daddy wasn’t totally boring and totally into her
You wouldn’t be here tonight

Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first
He can hold his breath for hours, and you know how much that’s worth
He’ll open your door, pick up the check, and hold your stupid purse
But most importantly…nice guys finish last, so you can finish –
Oops… sorry…

© 2015 SG and Amanda Cornett



DON'T BE A DICK


Text me back within an hour, every few weeks maybe take a shower
Don't swear at my mom, don't hit on other chicks
All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead

Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick
Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it
Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit
When all you had to do is, don't be a dick

Get yourself a job, try to show up
Wash a damn dish, or a fork or a cup
A first date shouldn't be anywhere that starts with “Mc”
All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead

Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick
Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it
Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit
When all you had to do is, don't be a dick

It's a very simple rule, don't be a tool
You drive a sweet beemer, but don't be a weiner
You're all out of luck, cause you're acting like a shmuck
Let's get something straight between us, you're being a total penis

Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick
You had to be a prick, so I don't give a lick
Now you're all broken-hearted cause you couldn't handle it
When all you had to do is, don't be a dick

Now I'm telling everyone, you are fun-size-hung
When all you had to do is don't forget to not be a dick

© 2014 SG and Ashley E. Norton



WAR ON XMAS IS OVER
A parody of "Happy Xmas, War Is Over," as performed by John Lennon and Yoko Ono


So you say Merry Christmas, and that makes me smile
But when I say Happy Holidays, you get all hostile

Yes I know that it's Christmas, it's very special to you
But there are other winter holidays, I'm just including them, too
(but it's all about you)

There is no war on Christmas, you go ahead and celebrate
But you don't own December, you gotta try and tolerate (sorry about that)

You can sing all those carols, you can hang up those lights
War is over, there never was one
Put your tree in the living room, wait for Santa all night
(we will not infringe on your rights)
War is over, there never was one

But I might light some candles, or read an old sacred scroll
War is over, there never was one
Or get a sweet little Bodhi tree, or a Festivus Pole (or nothing at all)
War is over, there never was one

There is no war on Christmas, so celebrate and believe
Enjoy religious freedom, don't force yours on me (seriously, get over it)

So you say Merry Christmas, that's a lovely thing to say
War is over, there never was one
It's a very warm, friendly sentiment, and so is Happy Holidays
War is over, there never was one

And before there was Christmas, there were many very special winter events
War is over, there never was one
There was Diwali and Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice and all sorts of New Year's celebrations, so who are you to take offense?
War is over, there never was one

Dude, there is no war on Christmas, do you just like getting mad?
It's a lie that you tell yourself
Like when you told yourself Santa wasn't actually your dad

The war is over, there never was one
The war is over, try to act Christian

Yo... what time am I supposed to don my gay apparel?

© 2014 SG


CD #26
I Love My Job, 2014


I LOVE MY JOB

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it till I believe it

I love to work, I love to work, I love to work work work
I love the man who hired me, that stinky stupid jerk
I love my stupid cubicle, and zero privacy
And I really love my co-workers who live to bother me

I love the office coffee, it’s a special vomit brew
I love the office copier, from 1982
I love to park a mile away, when I pull an all-night-ah
And someone tell me what the hell is FICA

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it till I believe it

I teach the latest software to the elderly
And then I train the youngsters who’ll take my job from me
My computer is so ancient that it has a floppy drive
And Windows 95

I love the office restroom, it’s always squeaky clean
I wave and wave and beg the stupid paper-towel machine
The motion-sensor faucet works so perfectly – not
And the toilet likes to flush mid-squat

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it till I believe it

In the elevator I tell a naughty joke
I offend a twenty-something, turns out she’s the CEO
So I’m scrubbing her Mercedes, and smooching up her rear
Ten more years till pension, and I am OUT of here

I love to go to Staples where I pay for post-it notes
I love that I could die right here and nobody would know
Everyone’s a corporate slacking whining millennial
And I’d quit – but I just don’t have the genitals

I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I will never ever ever leave it
I love I love I love I love my job job job
And I’ll keep saying it till I believe it


© 2014 Steve Goodie and Maria Tucker



THAT BRAT BIEBER


Well I hate his stupid music, but the kids idolize (him)
Rock star at age 13
And now he’s vandalizing houses, getting DUI’s (and)
He’s the only thing on TV

Man I hate that brat Bieber
That brat Bieber

Well now folks want him deported, yeah he’s got to go
Hey, let’s lock him in Anne Frank’s house
Or we could waterboard this moron down in Guantanamo
See if he can sing while he drowns (gargling)

Man I hate that brat Bieber
That brat Bieber
Yeah I hate that brat Bieber
That brat Bieber

Thought he’d blow over, a passing craze, let’s wait for his voice to change
But now he’s drag-racing, and throwing eggs
Punching people and running away, away, to his security

Well the first time that I saw him was on SNL
He was rubbing up on Tina Fey
That smug little mother acts so entitled
Hope they lock that snotty fucker away

Man I hate that brat Bieber
That brat Bieber
Yeah I hate that brat Bieber
That brat Bieber


© 2014 Steve Goodie



THE BIG BANG THEORY SONG


There’s Koothrappali, Wolowitz, and Hofstadter, and Cooper
They’re geniuses and physicists and whizzes with computers
Sheldon is a freak of nature, Howard rides a scooter
And everyone but Sheldon is obsessed with ladies’ hooters

Sheldon is a genius and he spends his extra time enjoying
Things like quantum physics, model trains, and punking Stephen Hawking
He finds lesser human beings very disappointing…
And all his friends agree he’s quintessentially annoying

Leonard’s just as smart as Sheldon with the added attribute
Of having normal human needs like a semi-normal hetero dude
He’s nerdy and he’s dorky and he can’t have lactose in his food
His mother wrote a book about his every stinky poopy poo

Across the hall’s a waitress who works at the Cheesecake Factory
She came here from Nebraska, she’s an actress, well, a wannabe
And Leonard is in love with her though she is not a PhD
Her name’s Penelope although her last name is a mystery

Sheldon cannot stand it when his girlfriend even touches him
While Raj is so damn desp’rate he makes out with his dog Cinnamon
And Amy Farrah Fowler wants a physical relationship…
And Wolowitz would do it with a chicken if it had some lips

Amy friended Penny although Penny ain’t the brightest
Sheldon has the biggest brain though you could not say it’s politest
The chances that he’ll procreate are amongst the very slightest
Cause pigs will fly the day he tries a bit of that coitus

Howard married Bernadette and moved out of his mother’s house
He’s been up in orbit where he never should have been allowed
He wrote a song for Bernadette when things had started going south
He sang to her in quarantine and that’s what nerdy love’s about

Bernadette gets kinda crazy when she is competing
Stay out of her way if there’s a chance that she’ll be beaten
And while we’re on the subject of the needs these nerds are needing…
Sheldon throws a hissy fit if in his spot you’re sitting

Sheldon Cooper ’n Amy Farrah Fowler have a contract
‘Bout holding hands and Valentine’s and frequency of lip-contact
Someday maybe they might make it halfway to the sack
And it’ll all start with a Big Bang


© 2014 Steve Goodie



WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD


She moved in the house across the street when I was just fourteen
And from my vast experience she was the best I’d ever seen
My mom and dad took a pie and went to say a neighborly hello
But I was too chicken to cross the road

Cross the road (cross the road)
Cross the road (cross the road)
Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road

I’d-a liked to help her mow the yard, but I was too afraid
To come pull some weeds or plant some seeds, or just bring her lemonade
‘Bout fifty yards to her house from ours, but I just couldn’t go
Cause I was too chicken to cross the road

Cross the road (cross the road)
Cross the road (cross the road)
Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road

Well after weeks of brooding by myself
One day I came out of my shell
When I crossed that road, my heart raced
As we stood face to face
Do you know what she said?

She said I saw you at your house the day we moved in the neighborhood
And from my vast experience no one ever looked so good
My voice would squeak if I tried to speak afraid my thoughts would show
And I was too chicken to cross the road

Cross the road (cross the road)
Cross the road (cross the road)
Yeah I was too chicken to cross the road

Well we laughed and talked and laughed some more
Like we’d been friends for years
And after all this time together
We still laugh at those old fears

And we’ve never heard a truer word, it’s so obvious now we know
It was love that made the chicken cross the road

Yeah we were quite a pair, both so scared, but now we laugh at that old joke
It was love that made the chicken cross the road

It was love that made the chicken cross the road


© 2014 Steve Goodie, Justin Case, and Jenny Casey



SHUTDOWN


We're the far right in the gov'ment
And we really like to say no (for five freakin years)
And we're so afraid of that damn ACA that
We’ve fought it through forty-two votes

We don't like all this spending
Don't get sick, if you can’t pay
We got what we got, and screw all you have-nots
Yeah, we're used to getting our way, we’re cry-babies

Shut down, we’ll go ahead and stick it to ya
Shut down, and blame it on the other side
Shut down, Obamacare is socialism
Shut down, it's all mine, it's all mine, it's all mine

Shut down, we’ll go ahead and stick it to ya
Shut down, to hell with the 99
Shut down, Obamacare is socialism
Shut down, it's all mine, it's all mine, it's all mine


© 2013 Steve Goodie



STEVE THE PIRATE - LIVE


When I was a young man I set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate I aspired to be
I was bold, I was eager, I was stalwart and stout
But we’d no sooner put out from port than I threw my back out

Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me
But no chiropractor he turned out to be
On that ship I could find no relief for my back
‘Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack

Singin’ yo ho, maybe I was mistaken
This is a voyage I shouldn’t a’taken
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me

On the second day out, my misfortune did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
I sustained several bruises, I lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down

Oh I suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
I was bloated and moody, my skin was a mess
If I didn’t know better I’d swear that I had PMS

Singin’ yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me

I could not rape and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave me some filing to do
But it did not take long until I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome

By the end of the week all me mateys could tell
My career as a pirate wasn’t going too well
Seems the crew took a vote when I wasn’t around
And decided nobody would miss me too much if I drowned

Singin’ yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out I’m allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me

I escaped just in time I am pleased to report
Though my plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort
I washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s

Singin’ yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Taylor Swift I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive compulsive neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve


© 2005 Steve Goodie and Andy Corwin



FORREST DOES JENNY


Hey
My name is Forrest, Forrest Gump

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to
You give me something I can hold onto
I know you think I'm like the others before
Who saw your name and number on the wall

Jenny, I got your number
I need to make you mine
Jenny, don't change your number
867-5309
867-5309
Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots

Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me
I gotta pee
You don't know it, but you make me so happy
From my carrot
I tried to call you before but I lost my nerve
I don’t know where my nerve went
I tried my imagination but I was disturbed
I think I ruined your roommate’s bathrobe

Jenny, I got your number
I need to make you mine
Jenny, don't change your number
867-5309
That’s what I said, I said 867-5309
I know… I know, I said that

I got it, I got it
I got your number on the wall
I got it, I said I got it
For a good time, for a good time call

Jenny, why was your number on the wall?
And what were you doing in the men’s room?
You should go home to Greenbow Alabama!
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates, wearing comfortable shoes
I don’t know what that means
I just love playing ping-pong with my Flex-O-Lite ping-pong paddle
I would like to spank Jenny with my Flex-O-Lite ping-pong paddle
In the buttocks

Hey, Jenny, don’t change your number
I need to make you mine
Jenny, I called your number
It was 867-5309
Lieutenant Dan, that was the number I called
867-5309
Dammit, that was what I called
867-5309
I am not a smartphone, but I know what your number is
867-5309
Yeah, that’s it , it’s
867-5309
Bubba always said shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it,
broil it, bake it, saute it, there's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo,
pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, there's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut
shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and
potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich…

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to?
867-5309
For the price of a dime I can always turn to you
867-5309

And that… that's about it.
That’s all I got to say about that


© 1982 Tommy Tutone, updated slightly in 2014 by Ty Hager and Steve Goodie



DOT-MATRIX PRINTER


I, I, I love my old Apple III
It weighs 90 pounds
The seven-inch screen is green
Perfected in ‘83
I look inside, no hard drive
It’s side by side, with my Wang dot-matrix printer

Got the one-button mouse in my hand
Wait, this thing has got no mouse, it was ’84 when that came out
Five grand I just spent
Got no freaking internet
I look inside, still no hard drive
Quarter-meg of RAM, and my Wang dot-matrix printer

Steve Jobs was alive back then
He had a fight with Mr. Gates, who ripped off windows and ran away
Their patents depend
On their Palo Alto friends
Now look inside, 1 meg drive
No PCI, but I can dial-up all I like

Ahh, can’t keep up with technology
All this stuff changes quarterly
God I sure miss the seventies
Cassettes held my data fine
Memory was tubes and junk, a bunch of cards I had to punch
To add one and one
Took slightly more than a month

I look inside, 2 meg drive now
Side by side, with my Wang dot-matrix printer

Look in there, no malware
It’ll outlive your new MacBook Air

Oh my god, band is broad
My modem is 56 baud

Look at this, floppy disc
I wish they still made ‘em like this


© 2014 Steve Goodie and Timothy Weber



HEADIN' DOWN TO NASHVILLE


Rayna James has a real big name
But it’s been a few years since the top of her game
Juliette Barnes is the next big thing
She’s a red hot mess but she sure can sing
The label says ladies you gotta share the stage
The claws come out like two cats in a cage

So I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville
I love that town, it’s all happening in Nashville
With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird’s neon lights
I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville

Deacon likes slingin’ his guitar around
Breakin’ heart-strings with hot licks all over town
You don’t ask Deacon what Deacon don’t do
Cause the player is a player, like a dog named Sue
And Teddy likes Peggy, and Peggy’s not shy
Cooking books, naughty looks, little nookie on the side
Now Teddy and Lamar are drowning in the Cumberland
And Peggy’s got an itty bitty Teddy, in the oven
Down in Nashville

I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville
I love that town, it’s all happening in Nashville
With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird’s neon lights
I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville

Juliette and Sean, sitting in a tree
Very very temporarily
She’s tweetin’ her peeps, girl never sleeps
Though every five minutes she’s between the sheets


When One Young Diva plays Two Old Hippies
The crowd knocks over one of Rayna’s little kiddies
While Scarlett’s waiting tables down at the Bluebird
With a voice like an angel never saying a word
She’s crazy ‘bout Avery who’s a little unsavory
Down under with Gunnar are they gonna misbehave, she
Gets a big break, Rayna wants her to record
While Gunnar’s big brother’s downtown at the morgue
Now Gunnar’s all ghetto with Jason’s old words
And he wonders whether Will is into boys or girls
And Deacon is freakin cause he’s Maddie’s new daddy
Yeah it might be fair to say that he took the news badly
Made Rayna wreck her ride after the CMAs
Yeah he gets a little touchy ’bout his DNA
And since Avery’s barbecued his master tapes
He couldn’t get arrested buck naked on Broadway
Down in Nashville

I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville
I love that town, it’s all happening in Nashville
With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird’s neon lights
I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville

Juliette and Dante, started out hot
Never woulda thought he was gonna get shot
Thought he’d try his hand at a little blackmail
But her pistol-packin’ mama sent his ass to hell
(How’s that for irony? Get it? Dante? Hell?)

I’m heading down, heading down to Nashville
I love that town, it’s all happening in Nashville
With the red lips, white lies, and the Bluebird’s neon lights
I’m heading down, I’m heading down
I gotta get me some of that...
Heading down to Nashville

Tune in next week and find out... will Scarlett say yes to Gunnar’s proposal?
Will Rayna keep her driver’s license? Will Juliette figure out where to put the
batteries in her CMA award? Will Teddy get a **#%&** clue? Will Will make
up his mind? Will Dante form a twelve-step program in hell? Will Jolene be
his sponsor?


© 2013 Steve Goodie, John Trentes, and Tim Panyard



DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY


The war has started
This might go on all night
The dark lord’s come a-knockin’
I’m so glad I trained these kids to fight
Started up this organization
To resist this evil occupation

Dumbledore’s Army is here to stay
Dumbledore’s Army, it’s the D.A.
And god help anyone stupid enough
To get in our way

When I met this kid Longbottom
He’d never cast a spell
But now I’m glad we’ve got him
Yeah he’s been giving the dark lord hell
With a sword and his mimbulus
One more hallow, one less darn horcrux

Dumbledore’s Army is here to stay
Dumbledore’s Army, is the D.A.
And god help anyone stupid enough
To get in our way

Hogwarts just got attacked
Voldemort’s in the shrieking shack
I’m on the hunt, where did Riddle hide
That bit of his soul he left inside
Where no one would find it so
He’d never die

So I let him kill me
And somehow Dumbledore appeared
Now everything’s explained
By memories from Severus’s ear
Snape was on the good side all along
Turns out he was crazy ‘bout my mom

Dumbledore’s Army is here to stay
Dumbledore’s Army, is the D.A.
And god help anyone stupid enough
To get in our way
If I get through this I’m gonna snog
Ginny Weasley
And god help anyone stupid enough
To get in our way

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh


© 2013 Steve Goodie



MILEY THE SEQUEL


Twerk twerk twerk, do do do do
Twerk twerk twerk, do do do do

When Miley was 14 15 16, we thought we knew her
But now Miley is icky, yicky, sticky, geez what happened to her

Now it’s Miley the sequel, she wants us to see
Miley’s spread-eagled, yeah she’s every parent’s dream
(please stop her) Miley it’s legal, but not a great idea
No more Disney distribution

Has she got rabies, she’s foaming at the mouth
She’s going crazy, stickin’ her tongue way out
Givin’ herself the finger, oh her folks must be so proud
Whoa, things have changed in Montana

Oh dammit, Miley that’s feeble, don’t you see
You’re just after attention, yeah that’s what attention-whore means
(just stop it) Miley it’s legal, but your future kids are gonna see
Thanks to Disney distribution

Doin’ the bone dance (with a big foam finger...)
Doin’ the bone dance (someone change the channel...)
Doin’ the bone dance (I can’t stop watching...)
Doin’ the bone dance (I miss Kanye and Taylor...)
Doin’ the bone dance (don’t tell her dad...)
Doin’ the bone dance (her achy breaky dad...)


© 2013 Steve Goodie



WHAT'S IN MY HOTDOG - LIVE


No one seems to know, no one seems to know, no one seems to want to know…
But I want to know, I got to know, oh I need to know… what’s in my hotdog

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one seems to know

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one seems to know

There’s earlobes eyelids, elbows and fingertips
Dog nose, pig glands, frog bits, and chicken lips
Hog butts, peanuts, cow guts, brains…
Toe jam, turkey spam, vericose veins

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one seems to know

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one seems to know

There’s moose colon, horse bladder, anything that makes a splatter
Half ton of puppy tongues, bucketful of camel lungs
Big hairy goat tails, dirty donkey toenails
Stuffed into an fabulous, edibile, delectable, deep-fried, something died…
Intestinal shell… Intestinal shell… Now I know…

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
I was better off not knowing
Now chunks I will be blowing
And cookies I’ll be throwing
My insides will be showing

I guess I really didn’t need to know…
What’s in my hotdog
What’s in my hotdog
What’s in my hotdog

I think I got a fever
I’m feeling kind of strange
My head feels like a whoopie cushion
My hands are a little clammy
I really want to die

Maybe we should take you to the hotdog factory…
You’d be the secret ingredient…
Yeah!


© 2010 Steve Goodie and Aaron Ratiere



I JUST THREW UP


I got on the bus today
Starting the third grade
Found a seat and we drove away
As my mom waved goodbye

But I’m back home in two shakes
Never made it to school today
Mom says whatcha doing home so early
And I look in her eyes

I just threw up on the bus
Breakfast came back in a rush
I blew up so fast and furious
And I don’t think I’m done

So Mom made me some chicken soup
One spoonful and I had to poop
Nearly made it to the john but oops
Heads and tails this time

I just threw up all my guts
And filled up my pants simultaneous
The chunks were just humongous
Still I don’t think I’m done
I just threw up

I don’t wanna be someone who hurls away so easily
I want to eat and keep it down without a big display
My stomach hurts and turns a lot you’d think by now I’d
Sure be off the pot, NOT, please let it stop I pray
From both ends my belly sends a stream of discontent
It never ends it never mends and man it burns
What did I eat, week-old meat, omg, please kill me
I wish I’d had some vegetables and said I’m full, where’s the c
an

I just threw up a rhinoceros
And all that gross stuff I discussed
Just keeps coming up and though I flushed
I don’t think I’m done, don’t think I’m done

I just threw up bile and pus [oh my god, so much pus]
God knows I’ve done enough [I’m not done, just begun]
I’ve got a lot to chuck [I’m a mess, I’m unplugged]
It’s like giving birth here [giving birth here]

I just threw up on the bus
Then all over Mom's new rug
And I had to clean it up
But I don’t think I’m done


© 2014 Steve Goodie



LOOKIN' OUT MY BACK DOOR


Just got home from Taco Bell, unlock the front door, oh hell
Got to sit down, get relief on the throne
Ate two great big chalupas, now I'm full of poop-ahs
And there’s doo doo doo, pokin’ out my back door

I can’t get my front door open, my stupid key is broken
Gotta make it to the crapper, please somebody let me in
Them tacos I was hoggin’, now I’m doing some prairie-doggin’
And there’s doo doo doo, lookin’ out my back door
 
Chorizo seems so innocent, but it’s started to expand
Won’t be denied, gotta get inside the loo, and make doo doo
In my sad condition, must assume the position
And there’s doo doo doo, pokin’ out my back door
 
Refried beans make excrement, ’specially when they’re canned
And my insides are at high-tide it’s true, doo doo doo
With or without permission, there’s gonna be a big emission
And there’s doo doo doo, pokin’ out my back door
 
My sphincter’s ready to deploy, I’m backed up like an altar boy
And it’s a damn emergency, gotta get into the john
It’s fiber one tomorrow, today I’m Kilimanjaro
And there’s doo doo doo, blowin’ out my back door


© 2014 Steve Goodie and Stephanie Woods


CD #25
I Can't Wait, 2014


This is a CD of previously-released songs, whose lyrics can be found on earlier CDs.


CD #24
Drinks Well With Others, 2013


I DRINK WELL WITH OTHERS

Can’t do my laundry, can’t change a tire
Can’t boil water, without setting the house on fire
Can’t get me no job, with a blank resume
But I’ve got a way wicked talent, nobody can take it away

I drink well with others, that’s my social skill
I like sippers and chuggers, and hillbillies with stills
I’m the life of the party, so let’s kill a few beers
I drink well with others, and all my friends are right here

Don’t floss or brush, I got horrible breath
When I talk to my houseplants, they die a horrible death
I drive an old Pinto, it cost me three hundred beans
It drinks lots of gas, and it don’t go so fast, hey it’s just like me

Cause I drink well with others, I’m making my mark
I’m a real wild turkey, when I captain the Cutty Sark
I like running my mouth, while I’m running my tab
And I’ll drink well with others, till they send my butt to rehab

Jimi liked whiskey, Janis liked wine
Hemingway stayed drunk all day
And they all did just fine (‘cept for being dead and all)

I drink well with others, that’s my social skill
I like sippers and chuggers, and hillbillies with stills
The party ain’t over, till we run out of beer
I drink well with others, ‘specially drunken single mothers
I drink well with others, and all my friends are right here


© 2013 Steve Goodie and John Trentes



THE SANDWICH SONG SINGALONG
BR>Here we are at my favorite place!
Oh boy! Oh boy!
Where they make sandwiches as you order them!
Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!


It’s the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone
The hardest part of making it’s deciding on ingredients
I wish I could make up my mind
Yeah, hurry up… I’m hungry! C’mon!

But they got black or wheat or rye or pumpernickel
Whole wheat, half wheat, 12-grain, or pumpernickel
Italian, french loaf, gluten-free pumpernickel
Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich

It’s the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone
The hardest part of making it’s deciding on ingredients
I wish I could make up my mind
Just order something!

But I want brown mustard, yellow mustard, ranch, oil and vinegar
Two kinds of mayonnaise, olives and banana peppers
Peanut butter, cucumbers, pickles, and brussel sprouts
Brussel sprouts??!!
Yeah baby!!

Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich

It’s the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone
The hardest part of making it’s deciding on ingredients
I wish I could make up my mind
Ohhhhh.... look at all the cheese!!!
Mmmmmmmm...


I like Swiss cheese, provolone, pepper jack, American!
Mozzarella, sharp chedda, gotta gotta have ricotta
String cheese, yes please, melt a little gouda.... gouda....
Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich

It’s the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone
The hardest part of making it’s deciding on ingredients
I wish I could make up my mind
You know, you are really, really, really, really irritating
Hey, what about MEAT?
Uh, I’m a vegetarian
Oh... too bad


They got turkey, ham, meatballs, bologna, salami
Roast beef, tuna fish, chicken and pastrami
Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
And for people like you… try the teriyaki tofu
Crust on, crust off, crust on, crust off the sandwich

It’s the sandwich song sing-along, sandwiches for everyone
The hardest part of making it’s deciding on ingredients
I wish I could make up my mind

Hey, did you bring any money?
Uh… I got fifty cents...
Aw, let’s go get a gas station corn dog
Okay


© 2011 Steve Goodie and Aaron Raitiere



THIS YEAR I'M PULLING CHRISTMAS...

It’s the night before Christmas, ho ho ho I guess
The kids are asleep, and I’m stuck with this mess
Still got presents to buy, and more presents to wrap
Got sucked in again and I’m sick of this crap

I’m all out of money, I’m all out of time
I’m sick of sweet children who still believe I’m
Just a money tree Santa, a fat credit card
You all can shove Christmas... and shove it real hard

I got a nice bag of rocks for Jimmy
Got a big box of hair for Sue
Mommy’s getting altoids, I’m all out of cash
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass

Got a huge pile of coal for Timmy
Got a nice bag of worms for Jane
My ex will get a check, and what’s left has to last
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass

The tree is a a big bunch of coathangers
Draped on a lamp in the den
The stockings are socks, and they haven’t been washed
Since Christmas of I don’t know when

Got a big bag of dirt for mean old Aunt Betty
And two bullets for poor Uncle Saul
We all hope that poor bastard gets some peace at last
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass

Got a handful of bugs for my cousin
And a boxful of nails, two cents for a dozen
Everyone’s getting some poison for rats
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass

The angel on top of the coathangers
Is a Ken doll in Barbie’s sundress
Is he getting some weird Mattel abortion
Hard to say, but hey, I think I digress

Got a whole bunch of condoms for Alice
And some herpes cream for her boyfriend
I’m trying to help his nasty old rash
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass

Got a nipple ring for Great-Great-Grandpa
To match the one in his ding dong
And a baggie for when his kidney stones pass
This year I’m pulling Christmas [sing it Grandpa!] out of my ass

You’ll get a pound of red ants, imported from France
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass
Hey, hey! Who wants a garage-sale Billy Bass
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my ass
You can tell Tiny Tim, Scrooge won at last
This year I’m pulling Christmas out of my

Ass

© 2012 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



BETTY RUBBLE remix 2012
A parody of "Rebel Rebel" as performed by David Bowie

Yabba dabba doo!

You love Natasha, she rules your world
You love Dot Warner and the Powerpuff Girls
Hey Jane, Mrs. Jetson's all right
Hey Jane, daughter Judy's tight
Rogue and Storm, they're all wrong
Only one toon can turn me on

Betty Rubble, you torn your dress
Betty Rubble, yes yes yes yes
Betty Rubble, billion years ago
Hot damn, I love you so

Fred, I gotta tell you... my wife's a piece of ass!
Oh, you're telling me, Barney! Yabba dabba doo!


What's with Barney, come on girl
You can do better, Betty, that's for sure
Hey babe, he's three foot two
Hey babe, he's got a twenty IQ
Leave that clown, he's all wrong
He's not worthy of your loincloth thong

Betty Rubble, you torn your dress
Betty Rubble, your cave is the best
(If you know what I mean)
Barney Rubble billion years ago
Hot damn, I love you so

I've often pounded one out to the thought of your wife, Barney.
Oh yeah, no surprise here!


You torn your dress, I gotta confess
When you do that little giggle I just ogle your chest
You're prehistoric and you're on fire
You got those long legs and a miniskirt
You got no Wilma pearl necklace, and you don't got no shoes
But I love your dress
Oh, Barney doesn't like that...
You jurassic temptress
Smackin' that ass, smackin' that ass...
And how could you know
I'm on it!
That they'd cast Rosie-O (in the movie)
Hey why'd she wanna go, defiling your style
Uh uh uh uh, you're no lesbo
Not that there's anything wrong with that
What'd she do to you, she must weigh three hundred two
We are not impressed
Who let the dogs out?
Man her face is a mess
Ooo ooo, no no no no
I've had it up to here with you, Betty!
When I meet the Flintstones
Keep that bitch locked up!
We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time
Betty!!!

© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Burpo, and David Bowie ASCAP



OUT IN THE BACKYARD

So I’m out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend
On a moonlit night
I’m out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend
When I come across my wife
And I realize I’d buried her in the same spot
What a silly thing to have forgot
So there I am with both of them, a freakin’ shovel in my hand
And it just got awkward

Cause it’s like I’ve just been caught cheating
Like I’ve betrayed the only two women I ever loved
I cherished them both, obviously, more than life itself
So I’m out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend
And it just got awkward

Well I figure since we’re all here, might as well clear the air
On this moonlit night
So I sit them both down and say, I need to come clean cause hey
This shit ain’t right
You each have a special place in my heart
You each deserve a special place in the yard
So I propose to you both, a special hole to decompose
Cause otherwise it’s awkward

Cause it’s like I’ve just been caught cheating
Like I’ve betrayed the only two women I ever loved
I cherished you both, obviously, more than life itself
So I’m out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend
And it just got awkward

Maybe I should mention
That you’re both lying, cheating, back-stabbing, gold-digging, bridge-b
urning,
buttheaded, fuck-witted, bat-shit-crazy whore-bag... skanks
So if I just dump you both in the same unmarked hole
Maybe you should just lie there and say thanks
Have I gone too far here? Dang, now I feel bad...

Cause it’s like I’ve just been caught cheating
Like I’ve betrayed the only two women I ever loved
I cherished you both, obviously, more than life itself
So I’m out in the backyard, burying my girlfriend
And it just got awkward
And it just got awkward
And it just got awkward

© 2012 Steve Goodie



SHALL WE SLAP A SLUT

Shall we slap a slut for speaking
Cause Rush is right, and Rush is good
Shall we spank a skank for speaking
Cause a fat douche says we should

There’s a woman with the nerve to tell her insurer
Who she pays every month, to cover all of her
And there’s a syndicated nut, who talks out of his butt
Doesn’t care what she actually said, she’s obviously a slut

Oh, shall we smack a slut for thinking
Cause Rush is smart, and oh so wise
Shall we spank a skank for thinking
Cause an asshole says, “seriously, you guys”

The male republicans way up in Washington
Had a hearing about women’s health without woman one
With the power to decide what insurers must provide
When a skirt wanted a word, no! you’re unqualified

Oh, shall we slam a skirt for speaking
Cause she has no penis, and that’s just no good
Shall we slam a skirt for speaking
Cause a nut bag says we should

So the democrats convened a special hearing thing
To see if she’s a whore or a coherent human being
She told the congress guys, girls have special parts inside
And for healthy ladies and babies you need more than spermicide

Duh, shall we trash a tramp for talking
Cause Rush is righteous, and over-fed
Shall we trash a tramp for talking
Cause Oxycodone Boy says go ahead

Rush, there’s more to female contraceptives than a knee-jerk ass-clown
like you might imagine. A woman has to take these pills every day, in order
to “control birth” in the event she has sex. And these pills cost quite a bit
more than the condom you’ve had in your wallet since 1979. Also, “the pill”
is used to prevent and treat endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease,
polycystic ovary syndrome, and anemia. It’s actually medicine, Rush… I
wish your mom had had a little medicine back in 1950.


Oh, shall we hang a whore for breathing
Cause Rush is godly, and Rush knows all
Shall we hang a whore for breathing
Damn, that guy is a… a… big fat bitch

It’s really a no-brainer, even you could grasp it, Rush
Free pills mean fewer pregnancies that are not on purpose
Which will save a ton of money
We’ll have fewer crack babies and fewer orphan-ouges
But that don’t matter to you, you big bag of douches

Oh, shall we smack a slut for speaking
Cause Rush is god, and he’s goddamned good
Shall we smack a slut for speaking
Cause a douche bag says we should

Oh I’m a psychopath and I’m okay
I don’t need facts, I just spew all day
Al Franken called me a big fat idiot
But he don’t know the half of it

War on women, boys!

© 2012 Steve Goodie



THE PAT BENATAR HAIR-LOSS MEDLEY

Well you were real good-looking when you were 23
With a full head of hair, well that’s history
Cause you’re, middle-aged, what’s happening to it
It goes down the drain, when you shampoo it

Admit you’ve got a bald spot
Oh just admit you’ve got a bald spot
Admit you’ve got a bald spot
Buy a toupee

Come on with the lotions, that you rub in there
They smell real weird and they don’t grow hair
Your nose is sprouting and your ears are insane
But it’s never coming out on top again

Admit you’ve got a bald spot
Oh just admit you’ve got a bald spot
Admit you’ve got a bald spot
Buy a toupee

That’s a combover
You chrome-domer
You poser, think no one’ll ever see

That’s a combover
It’s not kosher
Northern exposure, better get some sunscreen

That’s a combover
Took a bulldozer
Pushed some hair over, you sexy old thing

That’s a combover
When you get sober
Game over, comb-over

Hair is for hair
Hair is for hair
Hair is for hair
Hair is for children

Hair is for hair
Hair is for hair
Hair is for hair
Hair is for children

© 2012 Steve Goodie



NOBODY TO VOTE
A parody of "Somebody To Love" as performed by Darby Slick

When the truth is spun, and the facts get blurred
And they change the voting laws, and make it harder for us to make our v
oices heard

They don’t want nobody to vote
They don’t need nobody to vote
They get what they want when nobody votes
You better get your butt out to vote

When these guys want power, they want you to stay home in bed, yes and
Most of the names at the polls, are already dead

They don’t want nobody to vote
They don’t need nobody to vote
They get what they want when nobody votes
You better get your butt out to vote

Your eyes can see, your mind can think just fine
Yes but in their heads, baby, all they see is lots of dollar signs

They don’t want nobody to vote
They don’t need nobody to vote
They get what they want when nobody votes
So you better get your butt out to vote

For years they been running, each thinks he’s the best
Are they your friends, baby, or just part of the mess

They don’t want nobody to vote
They don’t need nobody to vote
They get what they want when nobody votes
You better get your butt out to vote

© 2012 Steve Goodie



BEFORE HE SPEAKS
A parody of "Before He Cheats" as performed by Carrie Underwood

Right now, the candidate alienates forty-seven out of every hundred Americans
Right now, the candidate reiterates to the nation “corporations are people, my friend”
Right now, the millionaire is wondering why 747s don’t have power windows that roll down
What a rich ass-clown

Cause every time he opens his great big mouth
All his poll numbers go further south
He’s just trying to please the conservative elite
He used to give all the billionaires a real good laugh
But now every quote is a middle-class gaffe
Maybe next time he’ll think before he speaks

Right now, the middle-east is brewing and all this guy is doing is wishing he was Mexican
Right now, Barack’s feeling cocky, hell, he could be Iraqi and still get elected again
Right now, Mitt’s rebooting, yeah he’s redistributin’, dude, what the fuck ya doing
That’s your foot you’re shootin’

When this lily-white dunce takes the campaign stump
With all the wit and eloquence of Donald J. Trump
He’s a one-man, self-made, walking, talking Wiki-leaks
His breath must reek of Dr. Scholl
With both feet crammed into his big pie hole
Maybe next time he’ll think before he speaks

He likes pretty dancing horses and fancy golf courses
Next year when he speaks, God I hope he don’t speak for me

He’d be a totally excellent commander in chief
Blowing up anyone who’s on relief
All the welfare mothers sucking on the government teats
But then his mama told the camera that Mitt’s own dad
Took government handouts, ooo, bad, Mitt, bad
He better visit planet earth in the next few weeks
Yeah yeah, maybe next time he’ll think before he speaks

© 2012 Steve Goodie



ROMNEY CAN YOU HEAR ME
A parody of "Tommy Can You Hear Me" as performed by The Who

Romney can you hear me, can you solve my problems
Romney can you see me, no your head’s way up your bottom
Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney

Romney you're a rich boy, don’t pay a lot of taxes
Romney you don’t care ‘bout, the middle and lower classes
Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney

Romney are you kidding, saying businesses are people
Romney whatcha thinking, your evasions are so feeble
Ooo Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney, Romney...

© 2012 Steve Goodie



HEY FRED PHELPS

Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
And that F stands for fuck

One day I was bored so I google searched
The goddamn Westboro Baptist Church
Bunch of loons out in Topeka
They’re happy ’bout a shooting in a Colorado theater

Cause they like it when some strangers die
Like to go to funerals with big old signs
To tell the parents of dead little kids
It’s a good thing what this shooter did

Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
And that F stands for fuck

Cause God hates fags, God hates dykes
God hates Arabs and Israelites
God hates firemen, God hates teachers
God hates all his living creatures

God hates comics, God hates musicians
God hates cardio-vascular physicians
God hates Muslims, and Hindus too
God hates me and God hates you

Jesus hates me this I know
Cause a douche-bag tells me so
And there’s a special place in hell
For that flock of fuckers, that family Phelps

Cause God hates soldiers, God hates cops
He hates Navy Seals and Special Ops
God hates Swedes and God hates Australians
That’s why he made tsunamis and 9/11

God hates dentists, God hates lawyers
Well, okay, eveyone hates dentists and lawyers
God hates GaGa, God hates Bieber
And he really, really, really hates little kids in movie theaters

Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
Hey Fred Phelps, go F yourself
And that F stands for fuck you, you fucking fucked up fuck

Jesus loves Fred, this I know
Ask him and he’ll tell you so
Let’s all text and tweet the Phelps
Tell them all to fuck themselves

Yes, tweet and text them
Yes, tweet and text them
Yes, tweet and text them
They must fuck themselves

I need to look it up in Deuteronomy
If you fuck yourself, is that sodomy

Fred, one little thing you have forgotten
Your imaginary friend loves everyone

© 2012 Steve Goodie


CD #23
Pardon My French, 2011


IF YOU WANT TO SAY FUCK SAY FUCK
A parody of "If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out" as performed by Cat Stevens

Well, if you want to say damn, say damn
And if you want to say hell, say hell
Cause if you say darn or H.E. Double-Hockey-Sticks or dang
It means the same thang (and we know what you’re thinking, shithead)

And if you want to say goddammit, say goddammit (goddammit)
And if you want to say motherfucker, say motherfucker (motherfucker)
Cause if you say doggonnit or dagnabbit or mary mother of god
You know what you are (you’re a dork, at best, or a damn hypocrite, at worst)

You can censor yourself
And think you won’t go to hell
But if intent is a sin
You're fucked before you begin
You’re going down anyway
You may as well mean what you say
Straight down, it’s the thought
That’s what counts, dude you’re caught
It’s all mind control

Well if you want to say fuck, say fuck
And if you want to say cunt, say cunt
You’re free to say what you want
So don’t be a… p-p-p--- birth canal (they actually call it that!)

If you want to say poop, say poop
But if you want to say shit, say shit
You'll offend someone irregardless
You know that you will (with your pathetic stupid grammar, if nothing else)

We can say what we want
That’s why we live in this cunt-try
You’re offended by this song (I can tell)
But hey you’ve listened this long
And for that you’re going to hell
Is that brimstone I smell
Oh geez, ah ah ah
It's all hooey, ah ah ah
Go back to playing farmville (you braindead waste of millions of years of evolution)

If you want to say goddam motherfucking shit on a stick
Then say goddam motherfucking shit on a stick
You’ll feel better if you just do it
You know that you will
You know that you will
You’re going to hell
You know that you will
Go to hell
So you might as well
Say what you fucking mean

© 2011 Steve Goodie



WHAT'S IN MY HOTDOG?

No one seems to know, no one seems to know, no one seems to want to know…
But I want to know, I got to know, oh I need to know… what’s in my hotdog

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one wants to know

There’s earlobes eyelids, elbows and fingertips
Dog nose, pig glands, frog bits, and chicken lips
Hog butts, peanuts, cow guts, brains…
Toe jam, turkey spam, vericose veins

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one wants to know

What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
No one wants to know

There’s moose colon, horse bladder, anything that makes a splatter
Half ton of puppy tongues, bucketful of camel lungs
Big hairy goat tails, dirty donkey toenails
Stuffed into an fabulous, edibile, delectable, deep-fried, something died… intestinal shell…
Intestinal shell…

Now I know…
What’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog, what’s in my hotdog
I was better off not knowing
Now chunks I will be blowing
And cookies I’ll be throwing
My insides will be showing

I guess I really didn’t need to know…
What’s in my hotdog
What’s in my hotdog
What’s in my hotdog

I think I got a fever
I’m feeling kind of strange
My head feels like a whoopie cushion
My hands are a little clammy
I really want to die

Uh, maybe we should take you to the hotdog factory…
You could be the secret ingredient…
Yeah!

© 2011 Steve Goodie and Aaron Raitiere



BEFORE HE TWEETS
A parody of "Before He Cheats" as sung by Carrie Underwood, written by Josh Kear and Chris Tompkins

Right now, the congressman is sending out some pics to some chicks, but there’s collateral damage
Right now, constituents are seeing all his sweet little tweets about his stimulus package
Right now, he's going deep on the issues with a fine citizen who just happens to shoot porno
Like we don't know

But now it's looking like Weiner might get the shaft
He’s been taking it hard, but the press just laughed
Right-wingers, tea-baggers, and the liberal elites
They say the beltway bugger got his ego stroked
If you friend him on Facebook you might get poked
Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets

Right now, the whole world is trick-or-tweeting screen grabs of some abs and a tumescent Weiner
Right now, he's probably texting that he wants to pat you down like a TSA screener
Right now, he says he's never seen 'er, and there ain't no misdemeanor 'cause he didn't Charlie Sheen 'er
But now he's gonna come clean (-er)

'Cause he wants to hold your congressional seat
He's the other white meat, the kind that can't be beat
It's a 21st century Lewinsky legacy
He keeps his budgetary tool there in his lap
He's ready to bridge your partisan gap
Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets

Was she a campaign donor, a Seattle Washington-er
Seems when he tried to phone 'er, he said, hi, this is John... Boehner
(wait wait, don't hang up... hold on... wait! Operator, can you reconnect me... fast! Operator! Hello! Dammit! Hello?
God, I was so close! Crap! Come on! Hello?)


He'd be a totally rock-solid New York mayor
Reaching out to touch, every tax-payer
If he can keep it up, between heartfelt apologies
Until then he's just hoping they don't indict
That'd suck, that'd blow, that'd totally bite
Oh, maybe next time he'll think and hit delete, yeah yeah
Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets
Blah blah blah blah, OMG, what an idiot

© 2011 Steve Goodie and M. Spaff Sumsion



YOU RICH MOTHERFUCKERS

Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me

If you’ve got a billion dollars
Then you’ve got more than you need
With all that clout you’re not thinking about
A million babies you could feed

If you’ve got a billion dollars
You got it off of somebody else
But you don’t care, you think it’s quite fair
To keep it all to yourself

Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me… or anybody

Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me

And speaking of babies…

Hey old man in the vatican
Have you heard we’re pushing seven billion
But you keep telling everybody it’s a sin
To use any kind of protection

Now the babies are starving and they keep on coming
And coming and coming and coming and coming
And all this over-population
Turns out it’s tied to copulation

We’ve been fruitful and multiplied
That’s one commandment we’ve satisfied
You decided that meat on Friday is fine
Can I get a condom, can you change your mind

And while you’re helping stem the tide
Could we get a little bit of spermicide
Or if that’s too much, could you at least
Quit covering up for your perverted priests

Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me… or anybody

Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
Oh oh, you holy motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me

Now back to the rich and the money they’re hoardin’
They couldn’t care less what we can’t afford, un-
Less they can buy the latest jet
They think they just haven’t quite made it yet

And they call me socialist they call me queer
They say I just don’t belong around here
And that’s expected, I’m not surprised
But I just can’t believe all the support for these guys

Millions and millions of average kids
Say it’s un-American to tax these pigs
They think someday they might be that fat
They want to protect the money they plan to grab

Well news-flash kids, you’ll never get that much
They guys with the bucks won’t give it up
And you’re helping the jerks who are holding you down
And they’ll sell you out, cause you don’t count

Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me… or anybody

Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
Oh oh, you rich motherfuckers
You don’t give a shit about me

© 2011 Steve Goodie



SO WEIRD

Most of your girlfriends have a man with a normal career, or a job
And most of your girlfriends have a man who would never even think of shooting a video in a cemetery, like I did

I don’t know why I’m so weird, baby

Most of your girlfriends have a house that’s the same color outside all the way ‘round outside
And most of your girlfriends have a man who doesn’t look at the riding mower as a viable alternate source of transportation

Oh, I’m sorry I’m so weird, baby

Last week, I was up on the roof at 6 am
Making another dumb youtube
God I’m weird!

Most of your girlfriends have a house that doesn’t even faintly resemble a barn
And most of your girlfriends have furniture that matches and doesn’t fall apart when the wind blows the wrong direction

Oh, I don’t know why I’m so weird, baby
I’m so weird

And the whole world can see me on the internet
Wearing overalls and a wedding dress at the same time
That’s pretty weird

Oh, I’m sorry I’m so weird, baby
Yeah, I don’t know why I’m so weird

© 2011 Steve Goodie



PLUMBING

It’s dripping
It’s leaking

Can’t afford the plumber to come out here in his truck
And tell me all the stupid things I’ve done
With his router and his wrenches and his calculator
I better try to get it fixed on my own

It’s dripping
It’s leaking
I hate plumbing
I can’t… quite… reach it… DAMMIT!

There’s something in the drain or in the line out to the sewer
This crap is coming back and now the place smells like manure
So I’m gouging and I’m plunging like a real man’s gotta
And I’m taking a bath in nasty black water
Oh, it’s nasty!

It’s dripping
It’s leaking
I hate plumbing
I can’t… quite… seal it… DAMMIT!

My wife likes to watch as I struggle and I swear
She says I look cute with all the gunk in my hair
Now here come the kids to ask a lot of questions
I can barely contain all the cursing I’m repressing

No, Daddy don’t need help
Yes, Daddy can fix it
No, Daddy isn’t mad
Yes, Daddy can handle it

It’s dripping
It’s leaking
It’s pouring down on me
I hate plumbing
I hate plumbing
I hate plumbing!

© 2011 Steve Goodie



WHAT DO YOU GET THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING?

What do you get the girl who has everything
She’s been around the world, there’s nothing she hasn’t seen
She’s got all kinds of rings, from all kinds of flings
What do you get the girl who has everything

She’s got chlamydia, she’s got crabs
She’s got scabs on the scabs… on her scabs
She’s all sore, ’bout the sore, on her lip….s
She’s got five or six simplex-es-es-es

And Valentine’s day is just around the corner
I need the perfect gift, just what the doctor ordered

What do you get the girl who has everything
A penicillin sampler, some syringes and vaccines
Cause I’m afaid that when she pees I might feel a little sting
What do you get the girl who has everything

Her mono became stereo and then quad and five-point-one
I tried to make her smile with some Azithromycin
That gal-o-mine, needs some calamine, and I’m glad to foot the bill
Money can’t buy love, but it buys lots and lots of pills

What do you get the girl who has everything
A vat of boiling water, some ointment and saline
I know I shouldn’t go there, but I’m riding on a shwing
What do you get the girl who has everything

She’s got two or three quarts, of liquified warts
What do you get the girl who has everything

She’s been around the world, and I like sloppy seventeenths
What do you get the girl who has everything
I mean everything
What do you get the girl who has everything, Jack

© 2011 Steve Goodie and Rob Wolf



GETTING OLD

Why did I come in here, I really can’t recall
I’m in the kitchen, in my boxers, and I got no clue at all
My glasses have gone AWOL, I don’t stand a snowball’s chance
Cause without them I can’t find them, or my car keys, or my pants

This getting old, is getting old
These senior years ain’t what I’d call gold
Out to pasture, past my prime
Sidelined, before my time
This getting old, is getting old

I never noticed my joints, till they all started aching
My old tackle box is full, of all the pills I’m taking
I’d like to cap the genius, who invented child-proof caps
I used to have a future, hell I used to have some pants

This getting old, is getting old
My wife and I don’t talk, we yell, our hearing aids don’t work so well
When she starts nagging me
I take out the battery
This getting old, is getting old

Every cop and doctor is less than half my age
My boss just finished high school, and he just started to shave
Our kids never visit, grandkids never write us
They’re texting and they’re tweeting, but we’ve got the arthurit-is

I can’t touch my toes, hell I can’t see my toes
My head of hair’s beyond repair, and it’s coming out my nose
It’s all downhill from here, straight into the hole
Without my pills I get the shakes, without my pants I’m getting cold

This getting old, is getting old
We can live without our marbles, but not the remote control
Hate to think what might await us now
Mr. Johnson’s on hiatus (ow)
This getting old, is getting old

Oh how I miss… the… pants

© 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



RESOLUTION
A parody of "Revolution" as performed by The Beatles

All right, this year I swear I'm gonna quit smoking, quit drinking, and start freakin exercising!

You say you’ve made a resolution, well you know
We all want to lose some weight
At fat camp you’re an institution, well you know
We all know you’ll clean your plate
When there’s a box of jelly donuts
You won’t be going for the alfalfa sprouts

Don’t you know it’s New Year’s Eve, tonight
Someone brought some Krispy Kremes, all right
Willpower’s gonna leave, at midnight

You need a liver substitution, well you know
I’m still using mine right now
O’Doul’s might be a good solution, well you know
You won’t get drunk, but you might drown
And even your sponsor, down at the local AA
He bet fifty bucks you’ll be plastered on New Year’s Day

Don’t you know it’s New Year’s Eve, tonight
Someone brought some Irish Creme, all right
Moral fiber’s gonna leave, at midnight
You know I don't want to be in bad taste or speak out of turn or anything, but I would rather see terminally ill, unable-to-function Dick Clark doing the countdown, than Carson freakin Daly, my God, I miss you Dick Clark!  You put the stroke in the stroke of midnight, buddy!

You’re sucking down the air pollution, well you know
Those filters don’t do crap
They’ll stunt you till you’re Lilliputian, well you know
Soon you’ll be breathing through a flap (in your freakin neck… have you ever seen Beetlejuice?)
Tonight you’re quitting for sure, and you swear you’re done
Tomorrow you’re wheezing and hacking and yakking up lungs

Don’t you know it’s New Year’s Eve, tonight
Have a hit of Ecstasy, all right
Intestinal fortitude’s gonna leave, at midnight

All right, tonight, get tight, here’s a light
Can’t quite, get it right, despite, what your drunken sponsor says,
Who do you think you’re kidding?
All right!

© 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



MY FACE

The world is full of idiots, you must agree
So glad I’m not one of them, oh no not me

You spent three years on your page
Pimping out a sweet myspace
And you just can’t face
Letting all that work go to waste
It’s got every song you ever wrote
Every jpeg and stupid viral joke
You just keep on denyin’
But myspace died in 2009

Now I’m on facebook and you can’t stand
How the whole damn world is my new best friend
No one comes to your pimped-out page
But they’re all over me, all night and day

Everything gets obsolete, everything
No exceptions, you’re not that special, see
I’m on facebook
You’re on myspace
Let’s get together
And get on my face

Erica posts: What would cause a recurring yeast infection?
Cathey posts: If it's continuous, it's not totally healing.
Would grooming cause it? I did douche the last two cycles and bam here I am.. again..
If you have not treated it, Walter could be passing it back to you. You should see a doctor. You can put plain unflavored yogurt on your vagina…


Why you gotta go and publicize everything
Way more than I ever really need to see
I’m on facebook
You’re on myspace
Let’s get together
And get on my face

Everything gets obsolete, everything
No exceptions, you’re not that special, see
I’m on facebook
You’re on myspace
Let’s get together
And get on my face

© 2011 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



MY PAL THE MURRAY
A parody of "Albuquerque" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Way back in 2008, before the economy collapsed and George Carlin died and Sarah Palin became a household word, I lived in a cute little gingerbread house right around the corner from the I Dream Of Weenie hotdog stand. You know the place. Well anyway, everything was swell, with my happy happy family in our gingerbread house, except for the undeniable fact that every single day, 24/7, I made a whole lot of noise playing the drums.

Awww – loud freaking drums, every day and night... I was driving everyone crazy...

So I got on Craigslist and I typed in “houses with recording studios inside them,” and would you believe it, I found about 150 of ’em. So I said to my sweet wife, how would you like to come househunting with me? And she said, “What??!! I can’t hear you!!” I guess all the drumming had made her a little deaf. Well we took a snare drum and a drumstick and we went from house to house, and inside each house she beat on that snare drum as hard as she could, and if I could hear it outside, we went on to the next house. Until finally we found the perfect home, with finished pine floors and walls that were oh so sound-proof. And I asked the guy what he wanted for it, and he told me, and I said, “okay, but you have to throw in that Murray riding mower I see out back.” And he said, “sure!” Wocka wocka doo doo yeah!

Well let me tell you people, that Murray riding mower was my dream come true, and it was about to become my new best friend. Back at the old house, I’d been mowing the lawn with a push mower, and that yard was huge, and I was always miserable. So it was amazing when I realized, after the home loan went through, that I now had a new special friend...

My Pal The Murray (riding mower), My Pal The Murray (lawn tractor)

See, I’d never even been on a riding mower before. And I gotta tell ya, it was really great. But here’s the thing... the folks who were about to buy our old house, well, they were really excited to live there, and one day before that sale was final, I went by the old house to check the mail, and I found the new owners-to-be in the backyard planting geraniums. I didn’t want to be a jerk, cause it’s not like they were writing on the walls with poop or anything... but still, they didn’t own the house yet. So I said, “hey, no big deal, but if you want to work in the yard, give me a call first, okay?” And they looked kinda embarrassed... you know why? I’ll tell you why...

Cause the sale hadn’t closed, so technically they were trespassing
No the sale hadn’t closed, so technically they were trespassing
No the sale hadn’t closed, so technically they were trespassing

Ah ha ha ha, how could that possibly come back and bite me on the butt?

So I’m back at our new house, mowing the new lawn with my new best friend Murray. He’s awesome! This new yard has no trees to get in my way, and the property goes all the way around the house, so I can mow in great big circles without stopping for branches or roots or delapidated flower-boxes or bikes or roadside trash or used hypodermic needles or big flaming bottles of psoriasis ointment or anything!
A few weeks pass, and the old house is about to sell... the real estate people call it “closing.” You know, I don’t know why they call it “closing.” Why can’t they call it “selling” like any normal halfway intelligent English-speaking carbon-based life-form? Am I wrong here? Am I wrong? Anyway... then I realize I haven’t mowed the lawn at the old house in nearly a month, and it’s about to “close.” I think to myself, “I should mow that lawn for the new owners, cause I can’t call and ask them to mow it, cause I chewed them out for planting flowers.” And then I think, “I don’t have a way to transport Murray (the riding mower) eight miles from the new house to the old house.” And then it hits me... I could drive Murray to the old house! Yeah! Murray goes, what, like five miles an hour? So I should get there in under two hours, mow the lawn in like 45 minutes, and get home in another two hours. What a delightful way to spend a day. Sure beats working.

So I get on mapquest and I plan my route, and I’m new to this part of town so I don’t know all the back roads yet, so I get a hat and some sunglasses and a potted fern and some rechargeable batteries and my catcher’s mitt and a bag of raisins and my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel and my cell phone... and finally I’m ready to go! Then I realize, I need to plan a gas stop on my route. I’d feel pretty stupid if I ran out of gas on a lawn mower. And AAA wouldn’t help. You know what they’d say? They’d say...

If you get yourself a car, we’d be glad to help you out
But we can’t send a towtruck out to fix a lawn mower
If you get yourself a car, we’d be glad to help you out
But we can’t send a towtruck out to fix a lawn mower

Even your Pal The Murray, your Pal The Murray

So I make sure I’m gonna pass at least one gas station, and I grab my credit card and all that other stuff and at 8 am I hit the road. I’m rolling along, and since it’s probably illegal to drive a lawn mower on public streets, I pretend I’m mowing each lawn I pass. I soon realize, however, that this mower really goes about 3 miles an hour, so this is going to be a longer excursion than I’d planned. No problem...a rockstar like me can take the whole day off if he wants.

I make a wrong turn, I have to backtrack, and that costs me about a half an hour. Man, this thing is slow. And loud... I never realized before how loud this mower is. I get a call from my attorney, and stop the mower to talk to him about the closing coming up. Everything’s fine, I’m still a bigshot, and I start the mower and I go on. I come to a busy street, and I take advantage of the sidewalk. I’m mowing the sidewalk, feeling good, and as I go along, a cement wall appears on my right. I’ve got a wall on my right, a curb and a busy street on my left... and suddenly I see, right in the middle of the sidewalk... a mailbox.

Some jerk has planted a mailbox in the middle of the sidewalk, and I can’t get around it. I have to back up a block, take Murray out in the street, and drive that block again. And now I notice I have an audience for this part... the cast of King Of The Hill is standing around, staring at me. Hey, don’t any of you guys have a job to go to?

Two hours in, I stop for gas. I whip out the credit card, put in two bucks’ worth, and ignoring the laughter and cruel jokes from the other drivers around me, I head back out on the open road.

You know, when you’re only going 3 miles an hour on a really loud internal combustion vehicle and pretending to mow lawns, you notice some things that you might ordinarily overlook. Like how there are kids on schoolbuses in the middle of the day, and they are way way higher up than a shmuck on a lawnmower. And they’re waving at me and making really unnecessarily rude gestures with their hands... little things like that.

Speaking of school, my route takes me by our kids’ school. I hope to God they’re not looking out the windows as I roar by, 120 decibels at 3 miles an hour. I mean, that’s just what I need. It’s not bad enough that I’ve grossly underestimated the time-commitment involved in this stupid plan, or that I forgot to put on my Old Spice stick deodorant this morning, or that I have a tiny bit of mint dental floss stuck between my upper right molars which is driving me crazy, or that I just remembered that I have hay fever and even though I’m just pretending to mow all these lawns the pollen is way up in my cerebral cortex now, and all I can do is sneeze into the wind and pretend I have a handkerchief the size of a tablecloth at the Sizzler... now I gotta worry about the kids’ friends tormenting them for years to come about their idiot parental unit who is driving by on a really loud lawn mower. In a stupid hat.

I’m hot... I’m tired... I’m ready to mow the lawn at the old house and get done what I came to do. I’m getting closer... I can see the old place... it’s right up there... oh man, there it is! And as I arrive, four hours after setting out, I see the new owner-to-be, and he’s just finished mowing the lawn.

And I said, “Whoa! What the? Are you kidding me?” And he said, “Uh... I guess I should have called you.”

And your Pal The Murray, your Pal The Murray

We both felt pretty stupid. We just stared at the newly cut grass... and at the two lawn mowers... and at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with the circles and arrows to be used as evidence against us... and at the two lawn mowers...

I said, “I have to mow something. He said, “well, I haven’t done that fenced area in the back yet.” I said, “Okay, I’ll get that!” And I drove the mower over there, and I realized that Murray wouldn’t fit through the gate. So I mowed that area with the push-mower.

And I thought, I gotta mow something. So I took Murray over to a patch of grass by the alley, and little did I know that, sticking up from the ground through the long grass, was a steel rod. And I hit that steel rod, and the mower stopped.

It died with a very unsatisfying crunch. I did get it started again, but the part of the mower that actually cuts grass was no longer working. Now I was driving a very loud go-cart. It was the Mr. Bean moment of my life. And I had a four-hour, really loud trip home ahead of me, another chance for the kids to see me driving a lawn-mower in front of their friends, more schoolbuses full of nasty staring monsters, and the very real possibility of getting lost or running out of gas, and that evil mailbox just waiting for me. Oh man... I hate it when I’m stupid...

And now, years later, when I’m driving around with friends in the car, I show them the Route of Ultimate Stupidity. “You see that? There’s where I pretended to mow that fat guy’s lawn. There’s where I had to go down that 45 mph curved stretch with no sidewalk, hoping not to get hit by a truck. There’s that mailbox I wound up setting on fire. There’s where I had heat stroke and threw a rod and accidentally put borscht in the gas tank.”

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I hate geraniums!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to be making some kind of exciting real estate deal, unloading a piece of crap gingerbread house to get a goofy-looking barn-type of a house with a recording studio in it so that you can play the drums all night long, just make sure that your new house is a sweet little home... a little place with a new friend that makes a lot of noise...

Like my Pal The Murray, my Pal The Murray
My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray
My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray
My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray
My Pal the Murray, Pal the Murray

I said "P" (P) "A" (A) "L" (L) "the" (the) "Murray" (Murray)

Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray
Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray
Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray
Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray, Pal The Murray
Pal The Murray

Heh heh, I play drums

© 2011 Steve Goodie



DIRE STRAITS

I blog everything I do
When I fold my socks, and brush my teeth
Guess I like the attention
Makes me feel pretty neat

I friend everyone on facebook
They’re all following my tweets
And I wonder how the government
Got all that intel on me

Every cell phone is a camera
Every friend is a spy
Everywhere you go, anytime
You’ve got an airtight alibi

We friend everyone on facebook
Hey everybody, read my tweets
We’re just helping our Big Brother
Get all the intel he needs

© 2011 Steve Goodie



CD #22
Something To Sneeze At, 2010




DUMBLEDORE
A parody of "Hardware Store" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Till an owl brought me the news

It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes

But he said “you’re not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well, we really don’t care
If you rot away in your room”

But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom

I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I’m gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great

Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face

Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through

Now the coach has started slowing down
And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can’t believe it’s coming true

I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff…

He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and

Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and

Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and

Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters

I can't wait, no I can't wait
I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort

© 2005 Steve Goodie



MALFOY THE FLYING FERRET
A parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" as performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Oh Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
He’s not very nice but we keep him around
Cause he makes a squish when he hits the ground
Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
Hey Malfoy!


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



AVADA KEDAVRA
A parody of "Hakuna Matata" by Elton John and Tim Rice

Wormtail: Draco, at times like this, we Death Eaters say you must “Get Lord Voldemort’s behind.”
 
Voldemort: No. No. No!
 
Wormtail: Sorry my lord...
 
Voldemort: Amateur! It's “Get behind Lord Voldemort.” Draco, a bad thing needs to happen, and it’s up to you.
 
Draco: Uh... that’s not what they teach us at Hogwarts.
 
Voldemort: Then maybe you need a new lesson. Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse!

Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! They don’t get any worse!

Voldemort: It means no Harry, better call him a hearse…

Wormtail: Okay… he’s a hearse!

Voldemort and Wormtail: Ha! It’s our trouble-free, artillery…

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Draco: Avada Kedavra?

Wormtail: Yeah. It's our favorite hex!

Draco: What's a hex?

Voldemort: Geez kid, what the hex wrong with you? Ha ha ha!

Wormtail: Ha ha ha! Good one, my lord. Draco, those two words will solve all your problems.

Voldemort: That's right. Take Wormtail here… Why, when he was a young Hogwarts (student)...

Wormtail: When I was a young Hogwarts (student).

Voldemort: Very nice.

Wormtail: Heh heh, Thank you.

Voldemort: He found his persona lacked a certain appeal, he was teased and abused, till he squirmed and he squealed.

Wormtail: I'm a sensitive soul, and I was so chagrined... that they put me in Gryffindor, and not Slytherin.
And oh, the shame...

Voldemort: He was ashamed.

Wormtail: Such a lame nickname...

Voldemort: Yeah, Wormtail’s pretty lame.

Wormtail: And I wanted to quit...

Voldemort: How did ya feel?

Wormtail: Well, I felt like…

Voldemort: Hey! Wormy! Not in front of the kids!

Wormtail: Oh. Sorry.

Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! So nicely depraved! Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort: Even though you don’t shave (yet).

Draco: It means no Harry, he’ll go straight to the grave.

Voldemort: Yeah, sing it kid!

Voldemort and Draco: It's our recipe...

Wormtail: For anarchy...

All: Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort: Welcome to the dark side.

Draco: You’re all killers?

Voldemort: We kill whoever we want.

Wormtail: Yup! Turn ‘em into rump roasts!

Draco: That’s beautiful!

Wormtail: That Order of the Phoenix makes me so mad!

Draco: I’m so angry I could kill a house-elf.

Voldemort: Heh… we don’t need a house-elf killed… yet.

Draco: An owl?

Voldemort: Nuh-uh.

Draco: Harry Potter?!

Voldemort: No, he’s mine! Listen, if you’re going be a Death Eater, you have to act like a Death Eater. And there’s one fella that REALLY needs to… go away.

Draco: Oooh, who’s that?

Voldemort: A certain headmaster… who did you think?

Draco: Ohhhh… Wow…

Voldemort: Oh yeah… I hope you’re not chicken.

Wormtail: Unforgivable, yet satisfying!

Voldemort: This is a rare opportunity.

Wormtail: Mmm hmmm...

Voldemort: Mmmm… he’ll die with a very pleasant crunch.

Wormtail: You’ll learn to love it!

Voldemort: I’m tellin’ you kid, this is the great life. No rules, no accountability… Heh heh, the little muggle kind. And best of all… we’re all pureblood!

Wormtail: Ahem…

Voldemort: That is, except me. Well, kid?

Draco: Oh well…

Wormtail: Hey! Don’t point that at me!

Draco: Avada Kedavra…

Wormtail: (dying) Aaagh!

Draco: (laughing) Unforgivable, yet satisfying.

Voldemort: That’s it!

Draco and Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada --

Draco: It means no Wormy, and Dumbledore’s in his grave.

All: Love to hear them scream, in that flash of green...

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!

Draco: Avada Kedavra! Ooo ooo ooo…

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Ha ha ha ha!

Voldemort: That’s right… It’s the circle of death…

Wormtail: My hand hurts…

Voldemort: Be prepared… Can you feel the death tonight?

Draco: Ooo ooo ooo...

Voldemort: I just can’t wait to be king!

Draco: Avada Kedavra...

Voldemort: King… King Voldemort… that’s, that’s me… King Voldemort!

© 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP



HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY
A parody of "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" as performed by Panic At The Disco

This just in... the Dark Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who...

Oh, well I’m frozen
Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore
And I cannot do a thing
And I can’t believe my ears, oh how could it be worse
What a horrible ending
What’s Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor
Just like his buddy Snape
Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh…

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you’ve frozen me Dumbledore
No, Snape’s no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard he’s, working for Voldemort?
No, he’s much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses?

Oh, looking back
Dumbledore’s been looking for horcruxes
And recklessly depending on Snape
Now it’s all so, bloody awful
Got himself in a bad scrape
Oh, watch your back
If Draco can’t liquidate you
I mean technically it’s gotta be Snape, right?
Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein
Now his job’s down the drain

Harry! What happened?

I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore.

And he did?

I can't believe it!


I’m frozen, thinking
Everybody’s always been sure that, Snape’s working for Dumbledore
No, he’s no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry
He’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard there’s, Death-Eaters at the door?
No, Malfoy’s destroying everything, where’s your defenses?

Tom’s got seven personalities, oh yeah

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape’s after you Dumbledore
No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he’s really in the Order
It’s confusing
Maybe he’s evil maybe he’s not, is he working for Voldemort?
Dunno, don’t know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve…

Tom wants immortality, oh yeah

© 2007 Steve Goodie



A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY
A parody of "A Day In The Life" as performed by The Beatles

I read the news today, oh boy
’Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed
Just can’t believe Snape’s quite that bad
Thought he was on the righteous path
Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff

He blew his boss up with a wand
He’d made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange
That's pronounced, "La-strawnge"

Vowed to cover Draco’s derriere
So he whacked old Dumbledore
Though nobody is really sure we’ll never see his face no more

They’ve stretched the films to eight, oh boy
Though the books are great, I find the films okay
If I were smart I’d turn away
But I just have to look
Having read the books
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was...

...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in.

Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we?

Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off?

Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really!

Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say?

So this is my fault is it?


Woke up, got out of bed
Felt the scar across my head
Found my way downstairs where the floating cups
Had been conjured up to hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha)

Found my wand and grabbed my broom
Felt my wizard life resume
But the whole thing just went up in smoke
I’m under my cloak and I just want to scream
Ah…

Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working.

So, I'm not professional, is that it?

That's not what I said...

Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness...

Veronica...

... that makes me a non-professional?

No no no...

I see what's going on here!

Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all.

I most certainly will.

Yes, I expect you will.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on...


It made the news today, oh boy
Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here
And though I was there to see him fall
Now Hagrid won’t let me look
I won’t really know what happened till I get to read the final book
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot...

Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot."

No Martin, I looked it up.

Are you sure?

Oh quite.

Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who.

It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful?

I can't believe you!

Voldemort...

I -- you are despicable!

Wizengamot.

I've never worked with such a lunatic!

Voldemort. Voldemort.

Stop it! Stop it! I hate you!

Voldemort.

I can't work like this!

Voldemort.


© 2007 Steve Goodie



ACT POTTERY
A parody of "Act Naturally" by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison

They're gonna make me do more movies
Now they’ve made a big star out of me
They make lame films and they pay me lots of money
And all I gotta do is, act Pottery

Well they’ll touch up my forehead with a big scar
I’ll get a wand and do some crazy spells
The CG has made me a big star
Cause I can’t really act so well

Well I hope you’ll come and see my latest movie
See me type-cast to the nth degree
Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly
But all I really do is, act Pottery

Well I can’t believe these films are really ending
And I’m not yet an Oscar nominee
I’m a twenty-something, has-been child actor
And all I ever did was, act Pottery

Well I guess I should put an ad on craigslist
But I can’t type, and I don’t know how to spell
I could be that crazy kid in Equus
Cause I can play the part au naturel

Well I hope you’ll come and see the latest movie
And ignore the fact that I’m quite elderly
When I finish school, I’ll be washed-up big-time
Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery

© 2010 Steve Goodie and Jace McLain ASCAP



I AM THE HORCRUX
A parody of "I Am The Walrus" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I am he who’s chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper
I’m on the run since the new war’s begun I’m on the run, I’m hiding

Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come
Dumbledore’s intel, sadly insufficient
Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul

I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who

Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go
See how he whines once he’s left us behind, see how he cries
He’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying, he’s crying

Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside
Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her
Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you let your family down
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who

Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket’s gone
Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you’re through You Know Who

Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we’re toast cause Voldemort’s taboo
See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they’re foul and vile, I’m flying

Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power
In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me
I am just another piece of Riddle’s fractured soul
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux
You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who

You’re through You Know Who, you’re through You Know Who
You’re through … You Know Who

You’re through, yeah you, you, you’re through… You Know Who...

Hallows, horcrux, horcrux hallows
Toasting Voldemort marshmallows
Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux
Dumbledore’s dead, he was buried in his best tux...


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HARRY'S GIRL
A parody of "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
She’s last in line, her blood is pure
Now she’s Harry’s girl, fighting Voldemort
She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur
Shes a

Like, OMG! (Harry’s girl)
Like, totally (Harry’s girl)
Like at first I couldn’t even talk (Harry’s girl)
I, like, froze up and like… (Harry’s girl)
Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn’t say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice… he was just so…

Youngest Weasley, she’s depressed
Old Tom Riddle’s got her possessed
She found this book, she was unaware
That he put a whole bunch of evil in there

Anyway, he goes, like, “Hi! I’m Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.” And I’m all like, wow, and he’s all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure!

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
She lost her mind, she’s lost her nerve
But she’s Harry’s girl, and he’ll rescue her
Her vital signs, he will ensure
She’s a

It’s really sad (Harry’s girl)
Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry’s girl)
He’s like Mr. Dufus (Harry’s girl)
We’re talking lord God king Dufus (Harry’s girl)
I am so sure, he’s like so pathetic
I heard like he let out all these pixies
And he like totally lost control of the class
It’s like totally embarrassing
I’m like so sure, it’s like who let these out...
Bag the whole room!

First year she’s still awful shy
Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by
Her face turns red just like her hair
Can’t say a word, just too dang scared

So like I go into this like bookstore place, y’know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn’t have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry’s like, here, take my books, and he’s like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed...

Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Harry’s girl, she’s Harry’s girl
Years go by, she's found her nerve
Now she’s Harry’s girl, with the bogey curse
She’s last in line, she don’t like Fleur
But she’s Harry’s girl, he could do much worse

Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry’s girl)
He’s like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry’s girl)
And he’s like never even had a date (Harry’s girl)
I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry’s girl)
ROTFLOL! (Harry’s girl)
OMG! (Harry’s girl)

Hi!
Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl)
My name?
My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh
That's right, Ginevra (Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh...
Like, Ginny for short
It’s like... (Harry’s girl)
I do not have funny hair...
I’m sure (Harry’s girl)
What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry’s girl)
I am a witch, I know (Harry’s girl)
But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it’s okay
(Harry’s girl)
Uh-huh... (Harry’s girl)
So like, You Know Who is back (Harry’s girl)
I’m like freaking out totally (Harry’s girl)
OMG! (Harry’s girl)

Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry’s girl)
We’re like learning to defend ourselves, y’know (Harry’s girl)
But I am like underage
That's going to be really like a total bummer
And I named the D.A. – Dumbledore’s Army, y’know?
But will I get to stand and, like, fight?
No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind
By myself, in the room of requirement
It's like so totally uncool
But they can’t watch me 24/7
So no biggie...
We’ve been, like, putting up resistance all year
It’s like covert and stuff, y’know
Well, I’m not a big baby or anything
It’s just like are you serious?
I can like totally take care of myself
With like You Know Who totally after Harry
Harry’s like, “pretend you don’t know me, Ginny”

It’s like too risky...
Risky to the max
I’m sure
It’s like really exasperating
Like get out
Get me a normal boyfriend
But…I am sure… Oh Harry…

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



UMBRIDGE BLOODY UMBRIDGE
A parody of "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by David Evans

There's been a lot of talk about this next song... maybe too much talk. This is not a Harry Potter song... this is Umbridge Bloody Umbridge...

I can't believe my eyes today
I thought that nasty evil toad had gone away
Ding dong, the wicked witch ain’t dead and gone
No that frog, ain’t gone…
She survived, and she got another job, it’s not right

In our fifth year she came to teach
Soon we realized how far her powers reached
She made herself Inquisitor
Thought she could run this dump much better than Dumbledore

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

She’s working at the ministry
She should be in jail, but on the contrary
Though she is only three foot eight
Somehow she’s making muggles and blood-traitors run away

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

Ding dong, that wicked witch got even stronger
That frog, ain’t gone
Not quite, we gotta sneak inside, tonight
We gotta fight, with a polyjuice disguise, inside

Wipe her sneer away
Make her go away
She’s only three foot eight
Go ahead, make my day (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)

Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

Now our seventh year’s begun
We’re hunting horcruxes, and that witch is wearing one
She wears that locket by her heart
Gotta infiltrate the ministry and rip that thing apart

I told the half-bloods run and hide (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Once I’d hit that witch with a bit of Stupefy! (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



DOBBY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
A parody of "Tommy Can You Hear Me?" by Pete Townshend

Dobby can you hear me, now I really need you
Dobby can you see me, I’m the one who freed you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby

Dobby can you hear me, you saved us from the bad guys
Dobby can you see me, you got clobbered in a drive-by
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby

Dobby can you hear me, how could Rowling go and end you
Dobby can you see me, maybe Molly will avenge you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby…

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



WHY CAN'T WE ALL GET
A LONGBOTTOM?

A parody of "Sara" by Steve Goodie

I’ve known this kid since the first year of school
He taught us self-defense, and he taught us how to duel
And he’s never had a problem, with breaking lots of rules
And he’s on the run now, chasing You Know Who
That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)

Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Death Eaters are swarming into Hogwarts tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true
Bring it on, You Know Who

I used to be pretty lame, forget lots of stuff
Till Professor McGonagall said, “Longbottom, enough’s enough!”
Turns out my Gran wasn’t perfect herself
And now I’ve got some confidence, with the Potter kid’s help
That’s Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)

Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
We’re wiping out, the Dark Lord tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it’s us versus the worst they can do
We can beat You Know Who

Harry’s the man, there’s no contest
From the very first day, on the Hogwarts Express
Did he make fun of me, not him, not never
He did his very best to help me find Trevor
Who turned up at Hagrid’s, it wasn’t so bad
But those Slytherin jerks make me so dang mad
That Draco and Pansy and Goyle and Crabbe
And Snape and Dolores and Bellatrix and… Riddle
Okay that didn’t rhyme, I messed up that verse
Guess you better hit me with the Cruciatus Curse
But before you try it, you might want to know
That I killed Nagini, and that killed Voldemo’
So I might strike back, yeah maybe I oughta
Hit you with a little thing called… Avada Kedavra

Harry, Harry, he taught me to fight
And we’re wiping out the Dark Side tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it’s true
And we can beat You Know Who

Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Hogwarts is lousy with Death Eaters tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it’s us versus the worst they can do
And we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
Yeah we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat him, defeated him, deleted him, mincemeated him, we beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MR. GRINT
A parody of "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Dr. Seuss and Albert Hague

You're a magician, Mr. Grint
Your powers are unreal
But you’re always overshadowed
By that Potter, how’s that feel?
Mr. Grint
You’re a second banana in a show you can’t steal

You’re an sidekick, Mr. Grint
And you’d like a leading role
But you tend to tumble downward
When you guard that Quidditch goal
Mr. Grint
And Fleur wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot... wand

You’re a sly one, Mr. Grint
Even though you’ve got no scar
You make a smashing entrance
In a stolen flying car
Mr. Grint
And when you were surrounded by enormous spiders, you had to be rescued… by that stolen flying car

You‘re affluent, Mr. Grint
A former normal kid
Now you’ve got a couple mansions
Worth about ten million quid
Mr. Grint
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote… stinking, filthy, rich

You’re a redhead, Mr. Grint
And when you get too much sun
You’re a radish with an accent
A tomato with a tongue
Mr. Grint
Your face is an amazing conglomeration of the most carcinogenic and multifaceted blemishes imaginable… and I’ll just bet you have freckles on your bum

You entertain me, Mr. Grint
You’re number eight of nine (including Molly and Arthur)
And though Fred and George are wacky
You still get the funny lines
Mr. Grint
You’re a gawky, awkward goofball with a broken wand and limited Quidditch skills… but Miss Watson thinks you’re fine

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



ICE CREAM MAN
A parody of "Iron Man" by Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler

Hey Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Give me my ice cream! Mom, I need money for ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man!

I AM ICE CREAM MAN!!

Yay!


I am Ice Cream Man
Plumping up the neighborhood in my van
When I ring my bell
All my little customers run like mad

Wait! Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Ice Cream Man! Wait! Wait!

Big kid up the street
Begging mama give me money for a frozen treat
These kids can’t say no
I’m spreading Good Humor wherever I go

(Burp) That was good! Give me my ice cream! Hurry! He’s leaving! Run! Run! I’m running! I’m running!

Junkies are everywhere
Paying top dollar for a chocolate eclair
Wind, snow, hail or rain
See ’em waddle after me, calling my name

Wait up! Hey!

Everyone loves me Hey Ice Cream Man!
I’m God’s gift to the world Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! I got cash money!
Everyone needs me
My job couldn’t be more secure

I want a fudgesicle! This is broccoli for crying out loud!
I’m your ice cream man… stop me when you’re passing by…

I am Ice Cream Man
Inventing new flavors like spinach pecan
Teeth rot, stomachs turn
Everybody gets to feel the freezer burn

Hey Ice Cream Man!

Everyone wants me
I’m a rockstar in a stupid hat Can you break a fifty?
You wanna pay with a fifty? Uh huh.
Yeah I got change for that

Mom! I need fifty bucks! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!

Hey Ice Cream Man, I don’t think this is what I ordered. Yeah, this isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to be green. Hey, give me my money back! I want a refund! I did not order spinach!

Hey buddy, my kid tells me you sold him some nasty ice cream.

Uh, that’s not possible. Here, have a fudgesicle, on the house.

Ice Cream Man, wait for me!


Children used to be thin
With too much freakin energy and just one chin
Here they come again
Huffin and a-puffin like Eric Cartman

Hey!

What’ll it be, kid?

Okay, okay, I need… okay… I need three Strawberry Shortcakes, and four Chocolate Eclairs, and one of those big red white and blue bomb things..

Got it.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen… I got Fudge Bars, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers Bars, Heath Bars, King Cones, Premium Vanilla Sandwiches, Reese’s Bars, Strawberries And Cream Bars, Cookies And Cream Bars, Toasted Almond Bars, Candy Center Crunch Bars, Triple Chocolate Brownies, Premium Sundaes Sundaes Sundaes, Giant Ice Cream Sandwiches, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Giant Neopolitan Sandwiches, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches, Succulent Swiss Quintuple-Smooth Faux-Cream Triple Milk-Chocolate Frogs, Candied Frozen Yogurt Balls, Cherry Whipped Cream Mousse Balls, Fudge-Wrapped Dark Chocolate Semi-Malted Air-Puffed Peanut-Butter And Almond Honey-Soaked Frozen Barnacles On A Stick.

Uh… one barnacle, please.


© 2010 Steve Goodie and Max Dorris ASCAP



GIRL TALK (Disclaimer #1)

The next song is a little weird, cause
I wrote it as if I were a nine-year-old girl
It's from an old band of mine called Girlband
But don’t panic, Mom, it’s rated G… honest

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



(I CAN’T KISS YOU ‘CAUSE I HAVE)
BRACES


Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week
Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat
We’re on the bus and we’re riding along
But something’s wrong

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb
This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb
And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild
But I’m afraid to smile

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s always something and it’s so unfair
I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there
I sit by the phone and wait for your call
But you won’t
And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault
All his fault
All his fault
All his fault

I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
Metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal
Metal metal metal metal, ahhh

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
I can’t kiss you cause…

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I have metal in all the wrong places
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HALLOWEEN

The night is dark and real spooky
Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl
Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields
Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl?

Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts
I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart
If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene
But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween

I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute?
I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want your fruit

I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass
Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask
I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream
Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween

I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit
I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out
The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room
Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear
Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny
I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate

And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn
I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong
It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah

Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute
All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

I don’t want your fruit
I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s
Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces
I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds
I want your candy
Happy Halloween!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



ECSTASY OF THE BILIOUS WATERPOODLE

I can’t find my penguin!

If you cauterize that ointment with Aunt Claudia’s broccoli casserole and follow the flatulence to its logical cartography while juggling your earwax, spam and mangos will erupt from my nephew’s upper left Baio brother.

Why can’t I smell my elbows?

I’ve discovered Pluto!

You must stop shouting Down With Nastiness, you’re making yourself over-irrigated and I can taste the mustard your brother-in-law spilled on his pedal-pushers.

This nacho cheese has no linoleum.

Why do all my staplers vote for Albanians?

I think rutabegas make excellent recreational vehicles, not to mention party favors.

Can Malibu Barbie get a part in the next Sharon Osbourne docu-drama about left-handed Ukranian mambo enthusiasts who find themselves suddenly expurgated in coleslaw?

Paraguay!

My mother can beat up twenty-six of your fastest non-alcoholic tricycle wheels with one spatula tied behind her esophagus.

If your pinecone sugarloaf threatens my Parcheesi one more time I’ll never stop articulating triumphant etudes on your camel’s googelplex.

Ick!

Vomitous masses yearning to congratulate each other’s uvulas!

This chunky peanut butter isn’t nearly chunky enough!

It's the great pacific garbage patch, Charlie Brown!

Will someone scratch my squirrel?

Delousing hamsters reverses tooth-decay in laboratory earmuffs.

I invited the Schwarzeneggers, but they brought Hawaiian Punch without marshmallows so I made them stand in the phone booth up to their knees in lime jello until one of them could properly whistle the Belgian national anthem without masticaing.

Nitwits are sandblasting my pajamas!

Can’t you see I need oatmeal?

What is the point of vanilla cough syrup, in today’s recidivist economy?

Or meat?

I think I swallowed my face.

A shoeless man with no money wants to buy my motorcycle.

You got eggshells in my Strawberry Quick!

My igloo isn’t broadband compatible!

Where did you put my toejam collection?

Try hand towels now and then why don’t you?

I can’t believe Cousin McQuigley got expunged for invertebrate eggplants!

This silly putty isn’t nearly silly enough!

I want everyone on the left side of the room to stay on the left side of the room. Now!

Do you think these pants make my cat look fructose-injected?

Circuitous meatloaf!

I can really taste the Chutney!

Ow! My spork!


© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MUCUS TO MY EARS (Disclaimer #2)
A style-parody of "Harvey The Wonder Hamster" by Alfred Yankovic

This next song is like
Really gross, I mean
Really really gross, but kids think it’s great
They wanna hear it over and over again
I know you won’t like it, Mom
But what can I say, it just hit me one day
So don’t listen, Mom, if you hate booger jokes… sorry!

© 2010 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BROWN BOOGER
A parody of "Brown Sugar" by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six...

Boy, the food at this place is really terrible!
This'll be a quick meal.
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-I-G pig!
Flush it down the toilet, okay, and flush it a couple of times...
Ewwwwww!


Third grade recess on the playing field
Joey's got no lunch, but it's no big deal
He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight
See him pick a big one, just about bite-sized

Awwwww!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good?
Gross!
That's disgusting!
Did you eat?

Brown booger, just like a booger should now

You gonna finish that?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it,
but if you're gonna eat...
Say the word and I'll give you a piece.


Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops
Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop
She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie
But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time

Blech!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Gross!
Awww!!
Nice mouth!

Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah

We're mutants! There's something wrong with us,
something very very wrong with us!
That kid'll eat anything!
Must be hungry.
Something seriously wrong with us!
Here's proof... his nose is cold.


Now, didn't your mama teach you anything?
If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen
I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate
You should have seen the size of what he ate

The size of a Buick.
Wow!

Brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now...

I can't believe you're eating this!
You know what your problem is?
You don't chew your food, that's why you
get so irritable with people. You could get mumps...
Oh...


I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Mmmmm!
That one tasted like Cracker Jack!

How come you... how come you taste so good?
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww!
You can taste mine if I can taste yours.
Ooooo... okay!

Just like a, just like a booger should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers
and then toss it at you
This one tastes like pepperoni!
Pepperoni!
Yeah! From the nose-meister!
I think I touched my brain!
If I find a gooey one, I wait for later,
and then I get a crunchy one, and then
I mix 'em.
Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear.
Ooo, that's a good idea.
Have you ever mixed it with your earwax?
Have I? I invented that!
Oh! Extra points! Blood!
Mmm... slimy.
Mmm... salty.
Have you ever microwaved them?
No!
Mmmm!


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Chris Smith ASCAP




CD #21
The Least I Can Do 2009


HEY BIRTHDAY BOY

We celebrate your birthday, even if you don't
Be glad you're getting older, cause when you're dead you won't
So happy happy birthday, from everyone you know
Now we will light the candles, and Birthday Boy you... blow!

© 2008 M. Spaff Sumsion



TWEETIN' ON A JET PLANE

A parody of "Leavin' On A Jet Plane" by John Denver

Got my captain’s hat and my clip-on tie, got my pilot’s wings and I’m ready to fly
I even brought my laptop and iPhone
Now I'm bored to tears, at 30,000 feet, I'm on Facebook, and I'm posting Tweets
I’m blogging while I’m logging hours flown

So text me and chat with me, quick, before I hit a tree
I missed my stop, by a hundred miles or so
'Cause I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, the one I should be piloting
OMG, I got to go

So many times I've fooled around, made the passengers bounce up and down
I lost my way while bidding on e-bay
Now I’m circling back to where I overshot, I never thought that I'd get caught
When I come down, they'll haul my butt away

So poke me and chat with me, I’m pirating a DVD
Hold my calls, I love this video
And I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll look up again
LOL, look out below

Now the time has come to land it, hope I can manage it one-handed
I'll close my eyes and aim for the runway (use the Force)
My license is gonna get revoked, my mom is gonna have a freakin’ stroke
But I’ll have time to Google more each day

So text me and chat with me, oh, wait... did I just pass Terminal 3?
I mapquested and I can’t find my way home
'Cause I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, I hope they let me fly again
Next year, if I make parole
I'm tweetin' on a jet plane, my job has just gone down the drain
No problem, I habla espanol

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Air Columbia…
our flying time to Minneapolis today will be four hours and ten minutes… or five hours and ten minutes…


© 2009 Steve Goodie and Jeff Kobal ASCAP



THE TWELVE SIGNS OF SWINE FLU

A parody of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" - traditional

At the first sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me… a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the second sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the third sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the fourth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the fifth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Five swollen glands
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the sixth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Six masks protecting
Five swollen glands
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the seventh sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Seven patients puking
Six masks protecting
Five swollen glands
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

At the eighth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Eight docs a-quacking
Seven patients puking
Six masks protecting
Five swollen glands
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

Okay, let’s skip to the end… I don’t feel so good…

At the twelfth sign of Swine Flu my true love gave to me…
Twelve pharmaceutical executives smirking
Eleven lawyers leaping
Ten lepers limping
Nine lungs collapsing
Eight docs a-quacking
Seven patients puking
Six masks protecting
Five swollen glands
Four coughing fits
Three ointments
Two rubber gloves
And a carton of swine flu vaccine

© 2009 Steve Goodie



I BAGGED A TIGER

A parody of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

Neil: Good morning, sports fans. Neil and Bob here. Welcome to the Wide-World Augusta Championship Pro-Am Open Masters Invitational Celebration of...

(Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Balls!)
Neil: You may recognize this fine upstanding young woman from "Who Wants to Do a Billionaire?" She'll be singing the Tiger Woods National Anthem.
Bob (a la Bill Murray): I see that she's wearing a "Just Do It" T-shirt.
Neil: Actually, I believe that's body paint, Bob.

I was lame, no one knew my name
Had no game, got no glory
But stuff, happens in Vegas, and who should happen on me
But a jock, with his cock-tail in hand

And then
I bagged a Tiger, now I'm Hollywood hot
Sold my soul to the National Enquirer
Got my own stalkerazzi taking big-money shots
Went from nameless to famous when I
Bagged a Tiger

Neil: That's inspirational, Bob.
Bob: Yes, a Cinderella story, out of nowhere.
Neil: Sounds to me like they were playing a skins game.

Then I find, he's not all mine
I've been in line with ten others
Neil and Bob: Twenty! Thirty! Forty!
It's not just me on TMZ and ET
How indiscreet, he should cheat, just with me!

Although
I bagged a Tiger, seems it's par for the course
Lots of folks have taken strokes with his 9-iron
Now at least half the planet claims they're swinging with Woods
They're all oogled and Googled 'cause I
Bagged a Tiger

Neil: Wow, that's...rough. What do you have to say about these women, Tiger?
Tom: They're grrrrreat!

All big types, of cats show their stripes
He's been a-lion' and a cheetah
Neil: Wow, bad puns, Bob.
But soon the public will forgive and forget
And that means, forgive him, forget me

[spoken] But while I've got the spotlight...
I bagged a Tiger and I'm here to proclaim
He's a much better putter than a driver
When this scandal survivor's back on top of his game
I’ve still got the golf clap cause I… bagged a Tiger

Neil: "Who's your caddy!"

(Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Golf!)
(Golf! Golf! Balls!)
I bagged a Tiger

Neil: Wow, Tiger really shanked that one, Bob.
Bob: Gotta watch out for those shankers.
Neil: He must have told those women he had a US Open marriage.
Bob: It all depends on the lie.
Neil: Ya know, his wife's pretty teed off. She called him a PGA-hole.
Bob: Now that's a hazard. He'd better keep his balls clean...or he could face sudden death.
Neil: Remember, this all started with a car wreck...he could blame the whole thing on his Caddy.
Bob: Tiger has lots of cars... 
Neil: ...He got a hole in one.
Bob: What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball? 
Neil: I don’t know, Bob… what is the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball? 
Bob: Tiger can drive a golf ball over 100 yards.


© 2009 Steve Goodie, M. Spaff Sumsion, and Tom Smith



DIVORCING THE KIDS

Call case number 156…Smith and Smith versus Smith, Smith, Smith, and Smith…

Your honor we respectfully submit
That we are being abused by our kids
They won’t clean up the mess that they make
Or fix the stuff they constantly break
Pizza boxes, skateboards all over the place
Lose their cell phones, want ’em replaced

We can’t live like this, we’re divorcing the kids
Tired of being dissed, we’re divorcing the kids

Your honor, their rooms are a disaster area
We try to ground them, they say I dare ya
Their friends descend, every weekend
’Round 7:15 in the a.m.
Eating everything we’ve got
We used to think kids were cute – they’re not

We can’t live like this, we’re divorcing the kids
Tired of being dissed, we’re divorcing the kids

We changed the locks on every door
Left their expensive junk out on the porch
Sold their X-box on E-bay
Booked a cruise to Saint Tropez–ay-ay-ay-ay

Now they’re sending us a barrage of textes
Saying please don’t make us your exes
If you’ll drop this bogus trial
We’ll take Domino’s off speed-dial
But the judge is a mom, and she easily manages
To grant the divorce and two million in damages

We can’t live like this, we’re divorcing the kids
Tired of being dissed, we’re divorcing the kids

How will they afford this, I suppose
They can all get jobs down at Domino’s
If the pizza’s here in 30 minutes or less
They can visit the dog and clean up his mess-yes-yes-yes-yes

We can’t live like this, we’re divorcing the kids
Tired of being dissed, we’re divorcing the kids

We can’t live like this, we’re divorcing the kids
Tired of being dissed, we’re divorcing the kids

Honey, the dog just threw up in the living room again…
Guess we’re going back to court…


© 2009 Steve Goodie and Casey Dugan



LES'S MORGUE

And now a word from your friends at Lester’s Mortuary…

Meet your buddy Lester, he won’t let you fester
You’ll get so much more, than you had bargained for
When you want the very very finest sanctuary
Don’t settle for less than Les’s Morgue

Les’s Morgue, come to Les’s Morgue
Today is the beginning of the end
Les’s Morgue, come to Les’s Morgue
Your ever-calming, sweet embalming friend

When you are no more, he’ll put you in a drawer
He wants you to enjoy your three-day stay
He’ll fill up your insides with fresh formaldehyde
To keep those pesky hungry maggots at bay

Les’s Morgue, Les’s Morgue
I’ll stick a fork in you, my friend, you’re through
Unless you’re a borg, come to Les’s Morgue
This is gonna hurt me more than you

He’ll tell your wife to bring by your best suit
And ask her to pick up some leakproof shoes (or earplugs)
Oh no! He’s leaking!

We dance and we’re merry at Les’s Mortuary
We eat and drink and send you off first-class
Of course if you’re in the box, you won’t dance a lot
Unless somebody leads your sorry ass

Les’s Morgue, Les’s Morgue
I’ll stick a fork in you, my friend, you’re toast
Les’s Morgue, Les’s Morgue
Whichever way you’re headed, adios

Cause today is the last day of the rest of your life

© 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



DUMPSTER DIVING

Honey? If you’re going out, the kids need new sneakers and summer clothes. What they’ve got is all too small and worn-out. And the blender just quit… can you grab a new one? Oh, and a couple throw-rugs, and some new juice glasses, and the dust-buster stopped working around Thanksgiving…

I got a list from my wife
Kids need clothes and whatever
But prices are too high
Been unemployed since forever
Makes me a real frugal dad (let’s see, where can I get this stuff cheap?)

Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving
Yo, let’s go, dumpster diving

I found a mattress tonight
Under a manure-spreader
Hey it’ll work just fine
For our little bedwetter

I found a Vanderbilt sweater, yeah yeah
With a bitchin’ awesome varsity letter
I said “Gimme, I saw it first, it’s mine”
And I pushed this broad into a shredder

Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving
Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving

I haven’t been inside a store (Ahh-ahh)
Since 1994 (Ahh-ahh)
I find a little, a little more
In garbage cans... woo!

Hey honey, look at this! It’s a case of perfectly good copy paper! And look, a whole box of macaroni and cheese! Oh my god, look at these pajamas – they’ll fit you perfectly! And a corkscrew! And toilet paper! And a plasma TV! And look – condoms! Yes, they’re still in the wrappers. They’re fine, come on! Don’t be such a princess!

I found a phone in a blender, yeah yeah
Do you think these shoes and belt go together
It’s all stinky, and sticky, and it’s all mine
And you know the price could not be better

Oh, whoa, whoa, dumpster diving

Hey, I’ve been looking for odor eaters in my size. And who would throw out all this Halloween candy? People are idiots! Hey, a bedazzled jockstrap! And a belly-button ring! And the mint dental floss I like! And yogurt! There’s gotta be five gallons of banana yogurt here! And Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray! And one of those padded toilet seats! Honey! You’ve been wanting one of these forever! And tube socks, and tea bags, and carmelized onions, and a George Foreman grill, and Tampax, and an eyebrow pencil, and an earwax remover, and a box of saxophone reeds, and a do-it-yourself hystorectomy kit, and 35 pounds of paprika, and a family-sized Chapstick, and an orangutan housetraining system, and a phlegm remover, and an enema bag, and a case of buttermilk, and inflatable kneepads…

© 2009 Steve Goodie



DUMBLEDORE - LIVE!

A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until an owl brought me the news

It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes

But he said “you’re not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care
If you rot away in your room”

But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom

I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I’m gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great

Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face

Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through

Now the coach has started slowing down
And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can’t believe it’s coming true

I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff…

He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and

Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and

Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and

Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters

I can't wait, no I can't wait
I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort

© 2005 Steve Goodie



FUZZY NAVEL

She was a great northern cougar, in my island saloon
She bought me a drink, and by the light of the moon
We danced and we shacked up down by the beach
Going at it like rabbits with a seven-year itch
Three days in, I found she was gone
Now I wish I had a clue what the hell went wrong

She used to be my drinking buddy
Now I drink myself under the table
Forget about sex on the beach
I’m playing with my fuzzy navel

Guess I was just her Southern Comfort
She left me hanging in the Sea Breeze
Now I'm sorry 'n' sad 'n' she's back in Manhattan
Where she likes her Long Island Iced Teas
She was out of my league, now she's outta here
I'm older Bud-wiser, crying in my beer

She used to be my drinking buddy
Now I drink myself under the table
Sex on the beach is way out of my reach
I'm just playing with my fuzzy navel

I was her weekend fling, didn't mean anything
Now I’m a lonely island survivor
She was too Cosmopolitan, for this much fun
Now I’m just twiddling my screwdriver

She used to be my drinking buddy
Now I drink myself under the table
Forget about sex on the beach
I'm playing with my fuzzy navel

Yeah sex on the beach is way out of my reach
I'm just playing with my fuzzy navel

© 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



THE LEAST I CAN DO

Take out the trash, mow the lawn
Her honey-do list went on and on
But the ball game was about to come on
Can’t this crap wait… No

So I stomped down the trash with a big workboot
Drove around the lawn for minute or two
And I’m back in my chair with a pizza and a brew
You’re welcome dear, it was the least I could do

Cause if it’s the least I can do
I do it
If there’s anything to it
Then screw it
If it’s the least I can do
I do it

Do the dishes, scrub that floor
Pick up the kid from school by four
When this list is done, I have a bunch more
Of that I have no doubt

So I broke a few dishes, couldn’t find the mop
Texted my kid, said find the bus stop
Thought about getting some kind of job
And that about wore me out (ahhhh!)

Cause if it’s the least I can do
I do it
Though I can see her coming
Unglue-ed
If it’s the least I can do
I do it

I slaved over dinner all day
These bagel-bites are perfect, wouldn’t you say
This bridge was gonna be much longer
Ah, who freakin’ cares…

Cause if it’s the least I can do
I do it
If I sit on my butt
I get through it
If it’s the least I can do
I do it

When the going gets tough
I drink through it
If it’s the least I can do – ah, the hell with this

© 2009 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



LAZY BOY

She’s up with the sun to stay in shape
Working it out, before I’m even awake
She spends the day running, I’m behind a desk
Yeah she’s stunning, and I’m a big old mess
Who knows how I managed to get her
A hottie like her could do much much better

I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker
I’m kinda overstuffed, she’s a rock around the clocker
Can’t beat the heat in our love seat
Don’t know how I got her
I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker

She loves to dance, and she knows I don’t
So she goes with the girls while I stay at home
And she’s back around two, smoky and sweatin’
And wantin’ some love, we get to sleep around seven
Must be something in me, only she can see
A hottie like her coming home to me

I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker
I’m kinda overstuffed, she’s a rock around the clocker
She likes to jazzercize, while I supervise
Somehow I caught her
I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker

She’s a little deuce coupe, I’m an SUV
She’s a hot potato, I’m the couch variety
She’s lighter than air, I’m a jumbo jet
And she says she’s not sick of me yet

I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker
I’m kinda overstuffed, she’s a rock around the clocker
I’m always admirin’, while she’s pumping iron
I’m her number one spotter
I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker

Somehow I’ve acquired, a spare spare tire
But she don’t seem bothered
I’m her lazy boy, she’s my hot little rocker

She’s my hot little rocker, my hot little rocker

© 2009 Steve Goodie



A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR

A guy walks into a bar and it ain’t no joke
There’s a letter in his jeans and that’s all she wrote
It says, here’s your ring and here’s your key
Boy you’ve seen the last of me
She left him half-broken and half-broke

When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart
Ready to crawl inside his scotch and soak
He might flirt with the girl with the plastic smile
Act like life is good for awhile
Listen to the losers blowing smoke
A guy walks into a bar and it ain’t no joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
Bartender says you can’t bring that monkey in here
You been wearing it on your back so long
We’re all pretty damn glad she’s gone
I got just the thing to make her disappear

When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart
Ready to crawl inside his Jack and Coke
He might dance with the girl with the plastic smile
Act like life is good for awhile
With all the other losers blowing smoke
A guy walks into a bar and it ain’t no joke

She took his horse and saddle, she's gone without a trace
Bartender says hey buddy, why the long face

When a guy walks into a bar, to nurse a drink and a broken heart
Laughing back the pain until he chokes
He might go home with the girl with the plastic smile
Live it up like the king of denial
Brag to all the losers, blowing smoke
A guy walks into a bar and it ain’t no joke

© 2009 Steve Goodie and Judy Klass



HEY BIRTHDAY GIRL

We celebrate your birthday, even if you don't
Be glad you're getting older, cause when you're dead you won't
So happy happy birthday, from everyone you know
Now we will light the candles, and Birthday Girl you... blow!

© 2008 M. Spaff Sumsion



BYE BYE W

Bye bye Dubya, bye bye Iraqi mess
No more incompetence, you’ve told us your last lie
Bye bye Dubya, bye bye empty head
Hello brains instead, it’s two thousand and nine
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye
 
There goes the Bush boy, without a clue
Whole nation's bankrupt, and his work is through
He got us into, this depression
Thank God there’s no chance, he’ll be back again
(and uh, didn’t you promise to get Osama bin Laden?)
 
Bye bye Dubya, bye bye jacked-up mess
Hey everybody let’s, give common sense a try
Bye bye Dubya, hey, go home, get drunk, God bless
Just keep your butt in Texas, and we’ll all do just fine
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye

I’m through with “nu-cu-lar,” I’m through with “bring it on!”
I’m through with counting, the days till you’re gone
Give me one reason, why Bin Laden’s free
I’m thinking maybe, you bombed the wrong country (you stupid arrogant war-mongering nincompoop!)

Bye bye Dubya, bye bye blood for oil
It’s time to lance this boil, get back to human rights
Bye bye Dubya, bye bye ignorance
Hello intelligence, let’s wave that jerk goodbye
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye
Bye bye Dubya, goodbye

© 2009 Steve Goodie



BLACK WATER (BP version)
Well I spilled something black when my oil rig exploded
The whole mess is icky, and they say I’m to blame
Catfish are floatin’, all the beaches are closin’
Black water keeps rollin’ ashore, what a shame
 
Old black water, keeps on flowin'
Fill the Gulf soon, but we'll keep refinin’ BP
Old black water, keeps on growin’
Executive goons, we’re nickel-and-dimin' BP
Old black water, keeps on rollin’
Up the Mississippi soon, gotta keep on lyin’ BP
Yeah keep on lyin’ tonight
Gotta say anything, shareholders gotta think everything’s all right
And our high-priced attorneys, say we ain't got no worries, at all
 
Now if folks complain, I don’t care, don’t make no difference to me
I’ll just ask Congress for a sweet ol’ bail-out
Yeah, I’m gonna meet some oily bureaucrats who'd like to play along
And I’ll be buying all my buddies drinks all 'round
 
Old black water, beached petroleum
Fill the Delta soon, we won’t be resignin’ BP
Old black water, reachin’ Pensacola
Environmental loons, they're picket-linin' BP
Old black water, up to Minnesota
Raise the price of crude, that's the silver linin', BP
And keep on lyin’ tonight
Gotta say anything, tree-huggers gotta think everything’s all right
With the world at our mercy, it’s the Gulf of New Jersey

We’re gonna screw up most of Dixieland
‘Less Obama gives a big ol’ helping hand

We need a hand (out!)
Got our hand out (hey Obama!)
Some cash would be grand, that’s all we want
We tried golf balls, top kills, Costner fans
But nobody stopped the oil from reaching land

We tried a dam (damn!)
Even cans of Spam (hey, we're desperate!)
And we've locked and loaded a nucular bomb
We're gonna smear some gunk on Dixieland
Give the brown pelicans a darker tan

Dixieland (tan!)
Give the birds a tan (instant bronzer!)
Don'tcha stress 'bout the dolphins 'cause they're all gone
It's like the Gulf got drunk at Disneyland
Then vomited all over Lousianne

Disneyland (land!)
Up to Ketchikan (and Sri Lanka!)
We make Katrina look like a little cold front
All the shrimp and frogs and fish be damned
Soccer mama gotta fuel her minivan

Caravan (van!)
Honda minivan (hockey mama!)
Gotta drive to the Wal-Mart all day long
No need to import oil from Pakistan
When it’s lying all over the Alabama sand

Screw Iran (yeah!)
And Afghanistan (and Venezuela!)
We'll just go to the beach and grab tar balls
We gotta feed the grease monkey on your back
Everybody better cut us lots of slack

Cut us slack (slack!)
Cut us lots of slack (hey Obama!)
Yeah we knew this might happen all along


© 2010 Steve Goodie and M. Spaff Sumsion ASCAP



The Pedley

We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it
Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded
Tommy, you have got some really big teeth
I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet

Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee
Know that you look like a chimpanzee

Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some
Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some
Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV
Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me

And you know that you look like a chimpanzee
Know that you look like a chimpanzee


My sister's new husband was also her cousin
They found out when she gave birth
Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers
It's natural selection in reverse
So what, caused, these flaws
Was it a lack, of, in-laws

Oh yer in-bred
One eyebrow across your head
When kin-folk wed
Yer in-bred


Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now
Go and get something I ain't never seen
And on the discount rack I see Deliverance
And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene
Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean
Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees
It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star
I bet the next day, his agent got fired
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

© 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP




CD #20
Brother Can You Spare Seven Hundred Billion Dollars? 2008


SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS

Well, the government is best that governs least
Until you need seven hundred billion dollars
The commander in chief don’t care who gets fleeced
When someone needs seven hundred billion dollars

War is expensive, much more than peace
And to keep bombing the crap out of the middle east
And to keep the truth from being released
They need about seven hundred billion dollars

It’s a big pork pie, they want to eat every piece
They’d like seven hundred billion dollars
Wall Street’s sucking at the congressional teat
Yeah they need seven hundred billion dollars

Gotta keep those Halliburton wheels greased
It’s expensive being the world’s police
We’re still looking for Saddam’s WMD’s
Now, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars please

This guitar cost seven hundred billion dollars
And I will stop playing if you give me seven hundred billion dollars

Lipstick sales are on the increase
Though the exact figures have not yet been released
Those pigs are looking mighty pleased
They expect something like, in the neighborhood of, give or take, seven hundred billion dollars

See Wall Street says there is no doubt
That without a little bitty bailout
Everybody’s mortgage will explode
At least that’s the story we’ve been to’d

This kazoo cost seven hundred billion dollars
This harmonica cost 5 dollars… but the holder cost $699,999,999,995…

The welfare moms will feel the squeeze
Every child left behind, cut off at the knees
Can we feed our kids and buy ’em shoes at least?
No, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars
They need seven hundred billion dollars
Not million, seven hundred billion dollars
And this is the party that wants smaller government…
Screw you guys, I’m going home

© 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP



(I'M THINKIN' 'BOUT NAILIN')
SARAH PALIN


The GOP nominee has picked his running mate
She’s quite reknowned her one-moose town in her frozen northern state
She’s as moral as they get, she’s Johnny’s special pet
And as pissed-off as she makes me… let’s get one thing straight:

I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, wanna do some humpback whalin’
As clever as she’s not, dang that girl is hot
All that rhetoric she’s spillin’, gets me thinkin’ ’bout offshore drillin’
Evil turns me on, and that is one wicked hockey mom
I’m thinking ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin

Nothin’ gets me hotter, than polar bear slaughter
As we wipe out every otter, with tons of oil in the water
Put that former beauty queen in a Hummer limousine
Add some vaseline, and send in the Marines

I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, with her leather leggin’s flailin’
I’ve been screwed by politicians, but never with my permission
And though her politics are chillin’, I find her booty thrillin’
I googled her today and I’m e-mailin’
To say I’m thinking ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin

Sarah I’m hunting you, like the mighty caribou
I bringing up my pipeline, you bring the harp seal stew (oh baby)

I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, I hear she likes inhalin’
And makin’ babies by the score, then sendin’ them off to war
That policy reformer makes the planet much much warmer
So I’m writing to inform her that I’d like to Desert Storm her
And that means nailin’ Sarah Palin

I don’t expect a politician to stick with one position
But I really didn’t expect the Alaskan Inquisition
(“Nobody expects the Alaskan Inquisition!”)

She don’t believe in birth control, as she climbs my Gallup Poll…
And I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin

© 2008 Steve Goodie



FRANK'S GARAGE

So you’re in an economic pickle
With your great big sports utility vehicle
Can’t afford the fuel, can’t sell it
Can’t trade it, what the hell you gonna do?

I know a guy, he’s been turning wrenches for years
You should give him a try, and yes, you can pay him with beer

Come on down to Frank’s garage, bring him your big old motor
He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you two Toyotas
Forget bio-diesel and solar
He’ll cut your SUV in half, and make two Corollas

Tired of getting thirty gallons to the mile?
Need something smaller than your domicile?
that means your house

Come on down to Frank’s garage, with that Hummer you’re so fond-a
He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you two damn Hondas
He’s got the tools, and a price you can afford
He’ll cut your SUV in half, and make four Accords

Gas is twenty bucks a quart
But Frank don’t want you in no import
See how many Mini Coopers he made
Out of one excessive Escalade
Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade
Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade

Come on down to Frank’s garage, with that big old Dodge Dakota
He’ll take your freakin truck apart, and build you eight Toyotas
Frank’s not out there hugging tree-es-es
He’s cutting Navigators into Prius-es-es

Frank once worked at the Hummer plant, but last year he got fi-red
Now he turns two-ton Tonka tanks into tiny little hybrids

Come on down to Frank’s garage, just east of Escondido
He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you a fleet of Geos
There’s no need to fret bro
With a new Suburban and a case of bourbon, he’ll make you sixteen Metros

Yeah come on down to Frank’s garage, it’s worth the wait in line
Come on down to Frank’s garage, it’s two for one all the time
Yeah come on down to Frank’s garage, are gas prices killin ya?
Come on down to Frank’s garage, yeah you can run on one cylinder!

© 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP



OH THEY BUILT ANOTHER BOMB

Oh they built another bomb, they say it’s better than the last
It can kill a bunch of people, it can kill ’em really fast

Now they need another war, to see if the bomb’s the best
So they’re gonna pick a fight, put the new bomb to the test

Are they gonna fight al Qaida, or the Iraqis
What if they can’t find Osama
We’ll go get the Sudanese, we’ll go get the Sudanese

Oh they built another bomb, and they say it’s really good
So they’re gonna have a war because they really think they should

Can you see them marching down the street
A foreign army that’s tough to beat
Oh suddenly our bomb flies through the air
And poisons the army, leaves the buildings standing there

Using this bomb in war would be no crime
Why we could kill the enemy a thousand times
One shot and watch our revenues increase
Oh Halliburton’s certain to end all peace

Are we gonna invade Afghanistan, send our troops to foreign soil
Hey, let’s have a war with Canada, wait, they don’t have no freakin oil, they
don’t have no freakin oil

Oh they built another bomb, and they say it’s really good
So they’re gonna have a war because they really think they should

It could be a police action, in some small unknown place
Or it could be full-scale war, and destroy the human race

© 1983 Gary Gordon



NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks
And the black folks hate the white folks
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week
Lena Horne and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek
It’s fun to eulogize the people you despise
As long as you don’t let ‘em in your school

Lena Horne is a singer, actor, and civil rights leader who was blacklisted during the McCarthy era. Sheriff Jim Clark of Selma Alabama beat and whipped activists for black voting rights.

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks
And the rich folks hate the poor folks
All of my folks hate all of your folks
It’s American as apple pie

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week
New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans ‘cause it’s very chic
Step up and shake the hand of someone you can’t stand
You can tolerate him if you try

This song is by Tom Lehrer, the great musical satirist who doesn’t satirize anymore. He says, “I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.” Now THAT is what I call tolerance.

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics
And the Catholics hate the Protestants
And the Hindus hate the Moslems
And everybody hates the Jews

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week
It’s National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week
Be nice to people who are inferior to you
It’s only for a week, so have no fear
Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year

© 1965 Tom Lehrer



FRIENDS ON MYSPACE

Blame it all on Bill Gates, I don’t go on dates
But online they adore me I swear
I let my hair grow, I let myself go
As I sit here in my underwear

And I am not known, to wear fancy cologne
Haven’t showered in three or four weeks
No need for hygiene, as I stare at the screen
It don’t matter when chatting with geeks

Cause I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s
The singles bar for basket cases
There's no cover to pay, no, we just type all day
Yeah I’m not big on face-to-faces
I just sit here at home, and get so wasted
Cause I’ve got friends with myspaces

Well you start off with Tom, soon you’ll have a throng
Of the friends all over the world
Everybody’s a genius with a fifteen-inch... personality
In this family of misfits and nerds

Don’t need no fancy car, you can be quite bizarre
Or stinky or nasty or short
No teenagers allowed, though they show up somehow
It’s a predator’s dang smorgasbord

Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s
So totally, like, yeah, the whole human race is
Pimping out their page, I change mine every day
Yeah I have zits and warts and braces
That's why all my pics are cut and pasted
Yeah I’ve got friends with myspaces

Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s
A big old fight, for my top-friend places
They’re better by far, than friends who actually know who you are
Yeah we don’t need to show our faces
When the grid goes down, it might just erase us
But till then I’ve got friends with myspaces

Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s
The singles bar for basket cases
There's no dues to pay, we just type all day
Yeah I’m not big on face-to-faces
I just sit here at home, and get so wasted
Cause I’ve got friends with myspaces

© 2008 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I CONFESS

I know this girl who’s kind of whacked
Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack
And though I’ve never done hard time
For her I admit to every capital crime

Cause when I concoct some evil doings
She leaps into lingerie
She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing
“Baby, did you kill anyone today?”

Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness
My lies always please her (lies always please her)
Those heads in the freezer (heads in ze freezer)
They give her a smile

Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event
She begs me to squeeze her (please squeeze me, oh yah)
I’m a monster I guess
I confess, come on let’s, get undressed
Yeah, you know what I'm saying... all right... shut your mouth!

If I say I robbed the liquor store
She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more
She’ll do whatever I tell her to
When I say my library books are way way overdue

And when I describe my five hijackings
She dresses like a stewardess
Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking
And she fondles my hostages (hey!)

Yes yes yes I confess I’m unscrupulous
I’m no good, I’m trouble (nothing but trouble)
I’m no Barney Rubble (who's Barney Rubble?)
Now let’s hit the hay-ay-ay

Yes I did it myself, not nobody else
And the romance just doubles (give us a cuddle)
I have sinned and transgressed
Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter
You yeah, you know what I like

Now I may have gotten carried away
When I confessed to killing both JFKs
She looked suspiciously my way
Til I said... “um... wait... not THOSE JFKs...
I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins...
You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team
that you’re always making fun of?”

Yes yes yes I confess, I’m so malicious
I’m wicked and sneaky (twisted und sneaky)
I’m twisted and freaky (tvisted und freaky)
I’m your kind of guy

Yes yes, when I confess, though it’s ficticious
I’m no longer geeky (I'm cool, I'm cool)
What a beast I’ve become
But at least I’m getting some... I confess!

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



THANK GOD THANKSGIVING
(ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR)


Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year
Suddenly my family’s entirely too near
And everyone’s remarried since the last time they were here
Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year

Here comes Uncle Junior, with his brand new wife
I’m not sure how we’re related, currently
I think she’s my second cousin, on my step-mother’s side
I better go ask Mama, about the family tree

Mama’s making name tags on the front porch
Cause our lineage, keeps getting rearranged
We keep it all in the family, just as soon as we get divorced
Makes it so hard to remember, everybody’s name

Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year
Seems to me our family tree’s more like a family sphere
How are we related, we have no idear
Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year

Granny’s new boyfriend, now there’s a piece of work
He’s Junior’s stepson by his first wife, it’s gross to watch them flirt
My sister’s brand new husband, used to be my cousin Scott
Out on bail from the county jail, long enough to tie the knot

Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year
When it’s time to see the family that I avoid all year
It’s like filling up a trailer with three dozen Britney Spears
Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year

Let’s take one more lap ’round the old gene-pool
We put all kinds of fun in dysfunctional
Somehow Grandpa got taller, and younger and skinnier
Cause our hallowed family line, is anything but linear
Hey Charles Darwin called
He said, what the fuck y’all?

Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year
Now I lay me down to sleep, and I pray “please disappear!”
Junior’s in the next room struggling with his ex-wife’s step-mom’s sister-in-law’s brassiere
Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year

Cause mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here
No Mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here
Well mama don’t allow no evolutin’, she says it’s too dang high-falutin’
Mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here

© 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



CALLING DR. PHIL

Now you’re gonna want to prepare yourselves for this one. Now… this is an intervention. Now you’re sitting there, with all your attitude, but there is no chicken in that tupperware. Pull your damn pants up. Now you got quite a mouth on you, Junior. Now how many children you gonna have out of wedlock before you realize that the TiVo has got to go?

You need advice baby, oh so bad
You need a doctor who gets raving mad
Now…
Don’t need no touchy-feely PhD
You need the kind you find on your TV
You understand where I’m going with this don’t you?

They call me (Dr. Phil)
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
If I can’t cure you no one will (calling Dr. Phil)
You are playing with your life, you understand that, don’t you? Do not judge me till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes wearing my wife’s panties.

And even though I’m full of sh*t
Thanks to Oprah I’m a great big hit Now…
I’m on the air, there’s nothin’ you can do Now…
It’s tough love until my face turns blue Now…

You’re on your knees for my remedies
You need an earful of my expertise
Yes I know what your problem is
The first step of the cure is, showbiz
Now how’s that working for you?

So call me (Dr. Phil)
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
I’m a bald Prozac pill (calling Dr. Phil)
These kids depend on you and you are ugly as sin… if you don’t get that nose fixed no one’s gonna talk to you… I hardly want to talk to you. Ha. Now…

They call me (Dr. Phil)
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
I got an hour to kill (calling Dr. Phil)
Now the Bible… which I have read… and underlined… as the Bible says, “If the cat’s juggling it does not a magic show make.” You think you’re the hottest thing since bologna came out of an aresol can. Now I got news for you. You think that I’m uncool, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I got news for you, I’ve been your age, I know what it’s like, my wife Robin’s got more sense. Now how’s that working for you? I’ve come home with my Easter eggs not in my basket if you catch my drift. Now these kids look up to you, Lord knows why, now you think you’re sitting there you got all the answers, now how’s that working for you?

So call me (Dr. Phil)
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
I got some crap to instill (calling Dr. Phil)
What is the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is. The problem is two plus two does not equal Y.

They call me (Dr. Phil)
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
Now I got my potatoes in a sling just like any other man.
I got mad head-shrinking skills (calling Dr. Phil)
Communication is the anti-biotics that will cure the clap of your marriage. You understand that? Now I guarantee you…

Yeah, they call me (Dr. Phil)
My wife Robin she makes me pee sitting down
They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil)
When you have a relationship there’s got to be give and take
Open my mouth and let it spill (calling Dr. Phil)
You got to be willing to take a strap-on, you got to be willing to give up your… your…This little girl, she looks up to you, she’s depending on you for guidance. Now me, on the other hand, I’m looking at you for ratings. Now that’s just the way it is. Now, if you’re gonna butter your bread you got to know which side is facing south. They call me Dr. Phil. Now you know my wife, she ain’t putting up with it. I hardly put up with it. I hardly put up with me. Since I married my wife, whom I adore, I hardly put up with me. They call me Dr. Phil. They call me Dr. Phil. Well they do.

© 2007 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



THE ROAD TO HELL

Twice a year I swear, when I’m sitting in that chair
I’ll brush and floss every day and night
And every new year’s eve, I give the Lucky Strikes the heave
Although I know, I’m gonna lose that fight

No matter what I do, everything falls through
Those promises are easy to make
And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions
I’m working on a damn interstate

Granny’s old and sweet, she needs help to cross the street
And I’m really late, but I run her to the other side
But when old ladies run they slip, now she needs a brand new hip
And she’s suing me for attempted granni-cide

No matter what I do, when I paddle my canoe
I go round and round, I can’t get that sucker straight
And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions
I’m working on a big damn interstate

I’m a longshot, stumbling from the gate
Hoping not to fall and break my own leg
Cause the next shot I hear could be, in my ear
No brand new hip for me, no it’s the glue factory

The kindergarten called, said my kid was in a brawl
She’s real cute but kinda violent
Three classmates she had clocked, my chip off the old block
So I doubled up her dose of riddilin, and I sent her right back in

No matter what I do, my checks don’t go through
Insufficient funds, no one gets paid
And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions
I’ve got myself a big damn interstate
And it’s 200 degrees in the shade
Yeah I’ve got myself a big damn interstate
© 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



TELL MICHELLE

Melvin McCrelmy, he called to tell me
My old flame’s back in town
Seems she’s been climbing the walls, been trying to call me
Wondered if I was around

Yeah Michelle O’Shay’s, the one that got away
Oh I’d pined for her so long
She asked Mel for my number, and my buddy he wondered
Should he pass it on, and I said…

Hell yeah Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle my cell (number)
After all these years, she’s finally here, and I’m still under her spell
Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell
What’s the worst that could happen, if we start yappin’, I think it’ll go real well

See my heart got broke, ten years ago
When she left me for that dumbass John
But then it seems that he, ran off to Waikiki
With a whole ’nother bottle blonde

Well she got some cash, from her ex-dumb-ass
And now she’s moved back home to stay
She’s looking to see, if she can still have me
And I say a-okay

Hell yeah Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle my cell (number)
After all these years, I can buy her a beer, and give her my landline as well
Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell
What’s the worst that could happen, if we start yappin’, and wind up at the corner
motel

Then I said say Mel, brother can you tell, me
How she’s looking after all these years
He said it looks like she’s, put on a few lb’s
Size twenty-three is how it appears

From the look of it, she quit shaving her pits
But her buzz cut looks just swell
And I know you’ll get used, to those big old tattoos
Even though they’re all misspelled

Well hell, I yelled, Mel, why’d you go and tell, that jezebel my cell (number)
I oughta bust your nose, bro’s before ho’s, hello? dontcha know how the saying goes
Oh Mel, I yelled, how the hell could you tell, Rosie O’Donnell my cell
So I got a new phone, to make her leave me alone
But she Googled me too, sent me weird you-tube
And it’s not gonna end, cause now we’re myspace friends
She’s won’t let me be, she keeps I.M.’ing me
So next time Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle “go to hell”
And hook me up with your ex, I hear she’s back from Texas
And I always had a thing for Danielle

© 2008 Steve Goodie



OUTSIDE THE BOX

You know the way guys are, one thing on our mind
And you’re kind enough to point it out all time
So after a series of very long talks
I’m trying to think, outside the box

It’s the way we’re wired, we gotta work within our limits
What you think of once a week, hits us every few minutes
Doctors, lawyers, those guys on the docks
We’re all trying to think outside the box

Outside the box, that’s how I need to think
Don’t let that ding-a-ling run everything
To save a relationship that’s on the rocks
I’m trying to think, outside the box

You tell me grow up, this crap has got to stop
It seems you’ve read every book, on the topic
You said I have two brains, now it’s time to change
And stop using the one that’s microscopic

Outside the box, that’s how I’m s’posed to think
I’m a lonely Zamboni, goin’ round the rink
Man that ice is thin, and our love’s on the rocks
So I’m trying to think outside the box

You’re working so hard to get a rise out of me
Baby, isn’t that a little contradictory
I say hey that’s the way I’ve always been
I’m still on the outside, looking in

Outside the box, that’s how I need to think
But my shrinky dink’s after your ba-dink-a-dink
You claim we’re all the same, just a bunch of dumb shlocks
So I’m trying to seem like I’m trying to look like I’m trying to think outside the box

Baby, life don’t stink, hell I’m in the pink
Still I’m trying to think, outside the box

Yeah she wants me to think outside the box

© 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard



LOWER THE BAR

Earl stumbles into his favorite watering hole
He's ready to celebrate his early parole
He’s already pretty drunk, as he trips on the single step up
Says, “hey that step wasn’t there last time I got plastered in this dump
Did they raise this whole place
Just to knock me on my face”

You gotta lower this bar (lower the bar)
Lower this bar (lower the bar)
I’ll sue y’all if this leaves some kind of scar
And I’ll make sure every last one of you gets fired
You gotta lower this bar, lower the bar

The girl sitting at the bar tries not to laugh
He sees her and he thinks he’s got a chance
He blindly finds his feet and he wanders toward her seat
Gives a drunken wink, says “can I buy you a drink?”
She giggles as she leaves
Earl says, “what, you too good for me?”

You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar)
Lower the bar (lower the bar)
I’m a fancy feast in a world of caviar
And high expectations never got no one very far
You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar

If you repeat Earl’s morning mantra, you just can’t go wrong
Today I will settle for whoever comes along

You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar)
Lower the bar (lower the bar)
There’s always karaoke if you wanna be a country star
I hear they need a tenor in the NASCAR Tabernacle choir
You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar

And have a little dip of Skoal when they’re out of Cuban cigars
You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar
© 2008 Steve Goodie and Shantel Adams



HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY

This just in... the Darm Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who...

Oh, well I’m frozen
Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore
And I cannot do a thing
And I can’t believe my ears, oh how could it be worse
What a horrible ending
What’s Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor
Just like his buddy Snape
Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh…

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you’ve frozen me Dumbledore
No, Snape’s no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard he’s, working for Voldemort?
No, he’s much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses?

Oh, looking back
Dumbledore’s been looking for horcruxes
And recklessly depending on Snape
Now it’s all so, bloody awful
Got himself in a bad scrape
Oh, watch your back
If Draco can’t liquidate you
I mean technically it’s gotta be Snape, right?
Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein
Now his job’s down the drain

Harry! What happened?

I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore.

And he did?

I can't believe it!


I’m frozen, thinking
Everybody’s always been sure that, Snape’s working for Dumbledore
No, he’s no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry
He’s Slytherin
Haven’t you people ever heard there’s, Death-Eaters at the door?
No, Malfoy’s destroying everything, where’s your defenses?

Tom’s got seven personalities, oh yeah

I’m frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape’s after you Dumbledore
No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he’s really in the Order
It’s confusing
Maybe he’s evil maybe he’s not, is he working for Voldemort?
Dunno, don’t know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve…

Tom wants immortality, oh yeah

© 2007 Steve Goodie



A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY

This just in...

Midnight mayhem at Hogwarts!

Four known Death Eaters infiltrated the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, surrounded Dumbledore, and escaped after the crime...


I read the news today, oh boy
’Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed
Just can’t believe Snape’s quite that bad
Thought he was on the righteous path
Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff

He blew his boss up with a wand
He’d made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange
That's pronounced, "La-strawnge"

Vowed to cover Draco’s derriere
So he whacked old Dumbledore
Though nobody is really sure we’ll never see his face no more

They’ve made four films to date, oh boy
Though the books are great, I find the films okay
If I were smart I’d turn away
But I just have to look
Having read the books
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was...

...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in.

Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we?

Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off?

Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really!

Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say?

So this is my fault is it?


Woke up, got out of bed
Felt the scar across my head
Found my way downstairs where the floating cups
Had been conjured up and hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha)

Found my wand and grabbed my broom
Felt my wizard life resume
But the whole thing just went up in smoke
I’m under my cloak and I just want to scream
Ah…

Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working.

So, I'm not professional, is that it?

That's not what I said...

Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness...

Veronica...

that makes me a non-professional?

No no no...

I see what's going on here!

Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all.

I most certainly will.

Yes, I expect you will.

What is that supposed to mean?
Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on...


It made the news today, oh boy
Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here
And though I was there to see him fall
Now Hagrid won’t let me look
I won’t really know what happened till I get to read the final book
I can’t believe… he’s… gone…

Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot...

Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot."

No Martin, I looked it up.

Are you sure?

Oh quite.

Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who.

It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful?

I can't believe you!

Voldemort...

I -- you are despicable!

Wizengamot.

I've never worked with such a lunatic!

Voldemort. Voldemort.

Stop it! Stop it! I hate you!

Voldemort.

I can't work like this!

Voldemort.


© 2007 Steve Goodie

CD #19
Welcome To Stupid Country, 2008


THE NASCAR SONG

Russell watched TV after his high school graduation
Three solid months of ESPN
Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation
Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent

So Russell got a job, got fired that same day
A cashier he wasn’t meant to be
He went back to the couch, turned on the race
And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me

So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school
Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis
But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus

So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

etc.

© 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP



WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT ME

There’s one extra-special person who’s always there for me
My rock, my inspiration, oh it’s true
The one who stands beside me, lifts me when I fall
I owe it all to someone, and that someone is… me

Where would I be without me
I’m the only one who’s never let me down you see
From the moment when I wake up, till I lay me down to sleep
I’d like to say thank you… thank you to me

You know life can be so busy, we never find the time
To tell the ones we love the way we feel
Now I can’t let that happen, I won’t wait till it’s too late
To take the opportunity to say…

Where would I be without me
I’m the only one who’s always there, indubitably
I get spurned and burned each time I’ve turned to cold humanity
I’d like to say thank you to me

There’s just one set of footprints
Behind me in the sand
I used to wonder what that meant
But now I understand

Where would I be without me
No need to inherit the earth, I never want to be that meek
If God helps those who help themselves, hey holy crap that’s me!
I just want to say thank you, I’d like to tell me thank you
Just want to say thank you… thank you to me

This is a big shout out to yours truly… I love you man!

And I will always love me
I light up my life
I am so beautiful to me

© 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP



HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN

I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance
It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree
Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when
The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is…

I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play
She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me…
She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own
Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin

And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans
She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t
She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow
When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell
She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart

Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it
She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

Now I know I’m no virtuoso
Yeah I know there’s those who play way better
Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow
Well I think I’m gonna let her

Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw!
My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’
And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

© 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP



SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

When I called collect to say I’d wrecked her new Beemer, my baby was cool
And she didn’t get ticked when I went and picked the wrong kid up from school
And she didn’t get bent when I gave her best friend’s rear end a little goose
But one time I left the seat up, man did I get beat up, I mean all hell broke loose

You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it night and day
The big things may perturb her, but it’s the little bitty ones that’ll blow you away
Set the house on fire, blow out all her tires
No need to perspire when you do
But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna muddle through

When I ran over, the cat with the mower she said “one down and eight to go”
And she let me slide watching Girls Gone Wild, hell she helped me figure out the TiVo
When I said “you look as good, as an old lady could,” well she handled that just fine
But find a crumb on the sofa and it’s Girls Gone Postal, yeah she just about lost her mind

You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it all day long
The devil’s in the details, and that’s where you’ll go wrong
Space her birthday out, flirt with a girl scout
Don’tcha worry about that goat
But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna stay afloat

She stood before the TV, blocking out my bigscreen
Saying, “Do I look fat in this dress?”
Just then we scored a touchdown and I nearly knocked my beer down
When I jumped up and screamed “yes!!!”

You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, that’s what it’s all about
The devil’s in the details, and he likes to watch you sweat it out
Bring home an STD, hey, BFD
Don’tcha see that’s forgiveable son
But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna get along

Fill her porcelain tub with your homemade drugs
And she’ll clean up the meth (oh yeth)
But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, it’s a point that really can’t be overstressed
Unless you want your Hummer repossessed
She could lop off what you got when you’re undressed
So don’tcha look at any other lady’s chest

© 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP



I NEED A PARKING SPOT

I got a job in LA, and I don’t want to be late
Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my
Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet (it’s called a Geo)

But then an hour I waste, cause there’s no parking space
Within a mile of the place, where I am going
Is there some way, today, L.A.

Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park
So I can get to work before dark
It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot

And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay
If I want it to stay where I put it cause
They say they may tow it away (at owner’s expense)

So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands
Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it
Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact
If I ever get it back

Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar
(Nope, it’s handicapped)
I can’t disregard the blue wheelchair
It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot

I paid for tags and title, they won’t even let me idle
This town is one big parking lot
So why can’t I find one little parking spot

Lovely Rita, oh I’d love to meet her
Just so I could beat her
With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter

Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar
Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar
They clean it a lot, my God it’s a plot, to take my parking spot
I need a parking spot

© 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I OPENED UP MY HEART
(AND MY BRAIN FELL OUT)


The first time that I saw her, I fell down on my knees
I wished I’d tied my laces, I wished my wine and cheese
Had somehow stayed upon my platter, like the other party guests’
Instead of splattering her pretty dress

She helped me to my two left feet, through my apologies
She smiled as though merlot is just what every Prada needs
I said, “You just can’t make tea anywhere, I mean take me anywhere
No what I mean to say, is have we ever met tefore bidet?”

I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out
I used to be so smart, so what’s this all about
I’m suddenly a simpleton in a flood of fear and doubt
I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out

I babbled on and on and on, and on until she said
“You’re just too cute,” she touched my cheek, and I felt my face turn red
She said to me, “Do you believe in true love at first sight?”
I said, “I think I well I guess yes sure I think I might”

I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out
I could not find the part that controls my motor mouth
If she thought me a simpleton, I removed all doubt
I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out

We decided to take a walk, and leave the noisy crowd
I tried to keep my witless words from coming out, out loud
But the more I said, the more she grinned, and it occurred to me
Could this be the way love’s supposed to be?

She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out
Now I’ve gotten smart, for ten years just about
I’m still that love-struck simpleton, that she can’t live without
She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Don Henry ASCAP



YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH ME

He can give you a big fine house to live in
He can give you fancy clothes and jewelry
He can give you a brand new car, each day of the week
And that’s why you’re better off with me

He can take you to all of those exclusive parties
He can give you stocks and bonds and security
He can give you everything, your mama says you need
And that’s why you’re better off with me

He can dress you up like a fairy princess
He can show you how to act and how to speak (and how to think)
He can make you the pretty picture perfect, trophy of his dreams
And that’s why you’re better off with me

He’s safe and he’s solid
I’m loud and I’m squalid
He’s the perfect gentleman
But can he let you win at Scrabble without letting you know he let you win?

Can he give you real love and real passion
Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks
Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet?
That’s why you’re better off with me

Can he give you real love and real passion (I don't think so)
Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks (That guy? Uh, no.)
Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? (Ha!)
Well that's why you're better off (Ha ha!)
Well that's why you're better off with
That’s why you’re better off with me

Yeah, sorry about that...

© 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP



WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG (TO RECORD A 3-MINUTE SONG)

I’ve written the world’s greatest song, I put my whole heart in it
It rhymes so good, and like it should be it’s precisely three minutes

So why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song?
Just turn the microphone on, I want to record my damn song

I’d like to walk on in, say hi, hello, and then cut the chatter, get the show on the road
Would it be an imposition, would it be so tough, to have the headphones working and the mics set up?

Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song?
I’ve been playing three chords all day long, I just want to record my damn song

Now the band knows the song, and they’re playing along
Can we please punch in if I get a note wrong?
Or maybe I’ll keep it simple, just guitar and voice
This song’ll go platinum, but I gotta record it foyst

So why does it take so long, who’s running the board, Cheech and Chong?
When we’re done you can fire up that bong, but first I’d like to record my damn song

Now everyone’s got a studio in their basement
But do they know a thing about microphone placement?
And computers are great, I love integrated circuits
But I don’t want to wait, while you learn how to work it

I got a question: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Um…
One!
Oh…


Why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song?
I’ll have grandchildren before long, I just want to record my damn song

I’m so proud of my song, and I want the world to hear it
But waiting for pro-tools to boot up, I kinda lose the spirit
It’ll get lots of airplay all around the nation
Once you figure out the plug-ins in your new workstation

Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song?
Another hour of my life gone, I want to record my damn song

© 2005 Steve Goodie ASCAP



TAKE IT BACK

Uncle Junior’s getting married, it’s a big surprise to us (Jack)
We’re invited to the wedding, and we need new clothes ’n stuff
We ain’t got no money, since Daddy got hisself fired (Jack)
But you can bet your ass we got a tank of gas and a brand new credit card, and we’re go ing to

WalMart, they got all the crap we need
They got weddin’ clothes and panty-hose and everything’s going for free, see
We’ll whip out that new Visa, with the thousand dollar limit
Then we’ll bring this crap right on back in half a hillbilly minute

They gotta take it back, we get 14 days
Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid
They’ll credit our credit card, nine hundred ninety-nine
That we spent on the big event, until we changed our mind
Changed our mind, changed our mind
We went and spent like the government, until we changed our mind

Okay, we need six green tuxedos, a croquet set, sixty pounds of potato salad, a bigscreen TV, two outboard motors, twenty gallons of barbeque sauce, a case of Metamucil, a jet-ski, twelve sets of thermal underwear, the Hank Williams Jr. box set, four pogo sticks, a set of lawn darts, a six-foot cheese log, and thirty-five pounds of paprika…

See Wally drove Mom and Pop, right out of business
Let’s hit him where it hurts, hey can I get a witness
There’s nothing wrong, with making the field level
If you’re gonna screw someone, hey why not screw the devil, and go to

WalMart, hang onto that receipt
Take back the dress with the gravy mess, yes that’s their policy
On Monday morning, everything’s gotta go back
Is it so wrong to return the thong, that’s been up Junior’s crack (Jack)

(Uh, maybe… oh well)
They gotta take it back, we get 14 days
Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid
They’ll credit our credit card, before we’re late this time
We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind
Changed our mind, changed our mind
We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind

See, this is Uncle Junior’s fifth or sixth or seventh wedding… he tends to change his mind too… so this time we’re giving him a Chia pet, a set of plungers, and a big ol’ box of laundry detergent. Mazel tov, Junior… tag her once for me!

Cause just like Wally’s customers, Junior tends to change his mind


© 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP



LOVING HER (IS LIKE PLAYING AT THE BLUEBIRD CAFE)

Well I finally met, the girl of my dreams
She’s so lovely, but around her I’m a moron it seems
My mind freezes up, when she’s looking my way
And “b-duh, b-duh, b-duh, b-duh” is all I can say

See I get nervous, and I get anxious, I get the jitters, and what’s more
This feeling is a feeling, I’ve felt once before
There’s just one place where I go to pieces this way
And that’s on the stage, at the Bluebird Café

When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage
With everyone starin’, I’m a bear in a cage
I forget all those clever things I meant to say
Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café

I panic, I get manic, I stutter, and I shake
I forget my own name, and I hear my voice break
I palpitate, I perspirate, and I lose my toupee
Just like open mic, at the Bluebird Café

When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage
My tongue gets all tied up, it will not disengage
The lights are so bright, my brain’s a soufflé
Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café

And I hope for a smile, and her kind endorsement
But after three minutes, she calls law enforcement
There’s millions just like me, all waiting their turn
Why should she choose me, when she’s got Dan Bern?
She’s got Schuyler, she’s got Knobloch, for a buck she gets Schlitz
And golly, there’s Dolly, with her great big… hits

When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage
I bravely step up, she says thanks, now go away
I forget every rhyme, and each brilliant cliché
Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café

And I forgot the three chords that I practiced all day
Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café

© 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP



STAND BY YOUR VAN
A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette

Sometimes it’s hard to park your Hummer
Cause your SUV is one big van
It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass
Dang that thing’s gargantuan

Other drivers must forgive you
Even when their tiny cars get rammed
You push and shove them, so far above them
Because after all, you know you can

So stand by your van
We know how much you need it
We’ll bomb Iraq to feed it
Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely

Stand by your van
And show the world you earned it
We’ll go invade Afghanistan
So you can stand by your van

Stand by your van
Four-wheel drive’s so necessary
The terrain is awful scary
On the streets of Pasadena

Stand by your van
Because you sure deserve it
You’re one fat-assed American
So stand by your van

© 2004 Steve Goodie & Sylvia Mulholland ASCAP



THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR
A parody of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver

Well the life of a star is kind of laid back
You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks
Buy a big bus with a bar in the back
Thank God I'm a country star

It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun
Signing autographs and lying in the sun
Polishing all the gold records I've won
Thank God I'm a country star

Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles
And I'm putting on weight right around the middle
Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little
Thank God I'm a country star

When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low
I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more
And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow
Thank God I'm a country star

Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well
All my darn money had gone straight to hell
Brother thank God for Taco Bell
And Thank God I'm a country star

Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles
And I'm putting on weight right around the middle
Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little
Thank God I'm a country star

© 1990 Steve Goodie & Sukey Smith ASCAP


CD #18
Let's Get Good-n-Heimered!, 2007


THE NASCAR SONG

Russell watched TV after his high school graduation
Three solid months of ESPN
Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation
Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent

So Russell got a job, got fired that same day
A cashier he wasn’t meant to be
He went back to the couch, turned on the race
And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me

So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school
Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis
But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus

So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight
Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight
Take a left, take a left, go straight

etc.

© 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP



SHITTY LI'L LOVE SONG

Well I don’t believe in Santa Claus, I’m doubtful about God
Although I pray I’m wrong
And I don’t believe in perfect happiness a lot
But I believe perfect misery comes along
And I don’t believe in the tooth fairy
I don’t believe in goblins and spooks
But I believe in love and all that shit
And I love the shit out of you

Well I don’t believe politicians tell the truth
Even when they swear they do
But I believe they’re a little bit like me and you
So their representation is true
And I don’t believe all I read in the paper
I often scoff at what I peruse
But I believe in love and all that shit
And I love the shit out of you, yes I do

I don’t believe decorum is always the best thing do to
But I believe in love and all that shit
And I love the shit out of you
Yeah I believe in love and all that shit
And I love the shit out of you
I love the shit out of you

© 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP



THINKING OF YOU

Well she caught him red-handed with a Waffle House waitress
Sneaking out the of Holiday Inn
She sat on his car, pulled a .38 pistol
Said look who’s been cheating again
He said it may look like cheating in a manner of speaking
But in once sense I’ve still remained true
Cause I’m not really sure it counts as cheating
If I was thinking of you

Thinking of you, thinking of you
My lips might have wandered
But my heart has always been true, always been true
I was thinking of you, thinking of you
How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you

He said, I was thinking about your sweet loving ways
How you always say live and let live
I was thinking about your love of the good book
How it says we should forgive
Well just like old Adam learned a lot from one apple
I’ve learned my lesson this time
Cause I couldn’t resist her, but each time I kissed her
It was you I was with in my mind

I was thinking of you, thinking of you
Seems to me that ought to be
Comforting news, comforting news
I was thinking of you, thinking of you
How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you

Well she thought for a moment, and she pointed the gun
At his new custom chrome GTO
She put five rounds through the hood of his car
And said honey, would it help you to know

I was thinking of you, thinking of you
If I heard you right, that should be
Comforting news, comforting news
I was thinking of you, thinking of you
Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart
I was thinking of you
Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart
I was thinking of you

© 2004 JR Russell ASCAP



IN A WAFFLE HOUSE
IN ALABAMA


I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama

It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared
At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House

In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House
In Alabama

I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't"

Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham

I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike
Or you'll end up

In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

© 1992 Steve Goodie



HER SIDE, HIS SIDE

This is the story of a relationship as looked at from two different perspectives…
her side and his side. I’ll be playing both parts tonight, thank you very much…
with a little help from the Heimerz. Anyway, this is her side…


We both were searching for someone new
Someone to count on and lean on too
And we bumped into each other
And angels sang, and it was beautiful
And this is his side…

We met in a bar, man I was loaded
She had a car, and a major credit card
And she said…

I swear it was an epiphany of sorts
And fireworks really went off
And Romeo and Juliet were unromantic sorts
Compared to us
And then he said…

We met in a bar, man I was loaded
I bought her a beer, she bought me a hundred

Well loneliness is desperate and desperation messes with your mind
And the path of least resistance will lead you to the least every time

They met in a bar, the dice were loaded
Cause drunken hearts don’t know what they’re doing
They met in a bar

© 1993 Ty Hager ASCAP



THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES DADDIES NEED TO DRINK

Well the one that looks like me is banging on the pots and pans
And the one that looks like her is swinging from the ceiling fan
And the one that looks like trouble just dumped his ant-farm on his bed
My youngest son just ran outside with his diaper on his head

And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
Cause little boys amuse themselves in ways you’d never think
And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink

My daughter has a boyfriend who’s living on our couch
My wife lets him right back in each time I throw him out
She says he reminds her of the way I used to be
But I don’t remember bragging ’bout a string of felonies

And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
Girls go from dolls to derelicts quicker than a wink
And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink

I bet meditation or a beach vacation could mend my shattered nerves
Maybe I’ll have time for those someday
But I need something for those moments like earlier today
When my wife said we’ve got another blessing on the way

And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
It’s just our way of celebrating when that little stick turns pink
And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink
Yeah that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink


© 2005 JR Russell ASCAP



GRANDPA'S DEAD

Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead

I got some news I thought you ought to know
Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole
He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed
Maybe you should play croquet instead
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead

Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead

I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true
Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you
And no one else really likes you that much
And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy...

Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa!
I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up!


He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing
If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing

Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath
Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth
Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn
One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead
Like I said, Grandpa's dead

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP







SEAL PUP

She took my Encyclopedia Britannica
She took my hair gel, she took my golf clubs
She took my self-respect, my dignity, my will to love
She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup

She took my favorite pornography
Sure miss that DVD, since she left me
She took our wedding pictures and she tore ’em up
She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup

Well she took the very life from me while we were skating on thin ice
Cause love can be a hockey stick, hits you smack between the eyes
And leaves you there to die

She took my stereo and my TV
Left me with her high infidelity
She took my car keys, Grandpa’s cremation cup
She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup
She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup
She took my heart out and beat it like a seal pup

© 2007 Ty Hager & Jim Blodgett ASCAP



NEVER NOT
Well without you wonder with you I’m sure
But I’m never not thinking ’bout you
Wherever I wander whatever I do
I’m never not thinking ’bout you
I stumble around like I got something to prove
But I’m never not thinking ’bout you
I mumble aloud, I got nothing to lose
And I’m never not thinking ’bout you

Sometimes insecurity makes me believe
That you’re not never not thinking ’bout me
I’m just your toy, your little plaything
You’re not never not thinking ’bout me

What do I do
I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you
Am I a fool
I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you, yeah yeah

How could this be
You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me
I’m going crazy
You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me
Never not not never not thinking ’bout me
Never not not never not thinking ’bout me
And I’m never… not… not… never, never, not… thinking ’bout… you
Yeah I’m never not thinking ’bout you

© 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP



HE KISSED HER LIPS

I didn’t think I would see her again, after he stole her away
But I recognized her the moment she bent over that Shoney’s buffet
She turned to me with a tear in her eyes
And she told how he kissed her sweet love goodbye

He kissed her lips and left her behind for me
I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free
He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see
Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me

I pulled her close without saying a word, though I felt like the butt of a joke
She dropped my heart in a bottomless pit, she was my handful of hope
Still I’m not too proud to sneak through love’s back door
If I get to hold what I’ve been longing for

He kissed her lips and left her behind for me
I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free
He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see
Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me

I swallowed my pride and my anger
While she went back for rump roast and beans
I took some comfort as she walked away
Cause that end justified every means

Oh he kissed her lips and left her behind for me
I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free
He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see
Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me

Yeah no one could miss the side of her I get to see
Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me

© 2005 JR Russell ASCAP



HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN

I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance
It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree
Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when
The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is…

I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play
She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me…
She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own
Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin

And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans
She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t
She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow
When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell
She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart

Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it
She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

Now I know I’m no virtuoso
Yeah I know there’s those who play way better
Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow
Well I think I’m gonna let her

Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw!
My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’
And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone
Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin
Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin

© 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP



FUGLY

She’s quite a bit heavy but don’t care about looks
She dies her hair blonde but don’t care about roots
She don’t give a damn about you or about me
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

She don’t shower much, she don’t care about stinkin’
She’s driven many a man to quit drinkin’
After waking by her after a drunken spree
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly
She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy
It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

Well she’ll give you a smile ’bout three inches deep
She goes for weeks without brushing her teeth
But she’ll only smile at your misery
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly
She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy
It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

Well she’s midle-aged lonely, and she’ll stay that way
Until she gets older and uglies away
If she’d look at life different she could be happy
Instead of F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly
She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy
It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly
She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly

© 1999 Ty Hager ASCAP



WHIPPED

You're more woman than I deserve
I'm so grateful that you came along
Cause now I live to serve
Since you taught me that I'm always wrong

I love everything you do
Love the moustache that you grew
My genitalia belong to you
See them roasting on the barbecue

Do you think I'm whipped
Cause I buy your tampons all year round
Now I'm differently equipped
And you got me peeing sitting down
Hey I think I'll bleach my lip
I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm
whipped

I love the constant way you talk
I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed
I kiss the ground on which you walk
And I got new friends just like Redbook said

No I don't think you're fat
I'd take a bullet for your cat
A thousand dollars for a hat
No I don't see nothing wrong with that

They say I'm whipped
But my bachelor party was lots of fun
Though nobody stripped
Diet Coke was fine with everyone
No I'm never gonna slip
Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped

You get ten, I get one
That's our perfect bedroom ratio
You got me speaking in tongues
But who has time for that pesky fellatio

They say I'm whipped
Cause you keep the car keys out of reach
My manhood's been snipped
And I feel so fresh walking down the beach

Now I'm happy in your grip
I jump through hoops and I do flips
Bring your butt to my lips
I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



PAIN

The slamming door broke his nose
As his tears fell her laughter rose
But she's not completely heartless
She slid some tissue through the mail slot

She said, "If you ever come round here again
I'll have you hurt, I have some friends
Who will happily break every limb that you got"
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

She yelled out the window, as he got to the street
"Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly"
And she tossed it to him
But eleven floors can rearrange
And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain
Which he took on the chin
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain
Lost love hurts, but blood stains
He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders how long the swelling will remain

He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again

The papers arrived today
She's charging him with pain and suffering
He's starting to think she don't love him anymore

© 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP



COWTIPPING

Smokin’ embers at the bottom of the bug lantern
Got me thinking how it used to be
When I could spark that old flame in your eyes
Well tonight you’re gonna see a new romantic side of me

I know a quiet place out in the country
Perfect for a moonlit rendezvous
Hand in hand we’ll go running through the pasture
While I whisper softly to you

Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe
You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me
Come on cabbage blossom, this ain’t no time for playing possum
Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me

I think all we need is one good shove
And we’ll fall right back into love
Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me
It’s easy as 1-2-3 push
Aw, doesn’t that sound romantic honey
Just you and me and another box of wine…


Well sugar dumplin’ you’re being awful quiet
But your eyes could burn this trailer down
I guess you’re fired up for a big night in the barnyard
I’m only sorry that I waited till now to say

Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe
You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me
Come on sweet potater, we can fuss and fight later
Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me

I think all we need is one good shove
And we’ll fall right back into love
Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me

They say there’s romance in gazing at the heavens
They say there’s romance in whispering in the dark
I say there’s romance in you and me together
Running for our lives after hittin’ the leather

All we need is one good shove
And we’ll fall right back into love
Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me

© 2005 JR Russell ASCAP



SEVEN SHALLOW GRAVES

She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day
She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves
She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA
In my former best friend’s arms, now in seven shallow graves

The parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard
The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane
The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree
And I forget just where I set what remains

She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day
She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves

Well the parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard
The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane
The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree
And her cheatin’ heart’s at my late ex-best friend’s place

She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day
She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves
She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA
Now some guys are diggin’ me a pretty shallow grave
Yeah, they seem real pissed at me ‘’bout those seven shallow graves, yeah

© 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP



The Pedley

We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it
Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded
Tommy, you have got some really big teeth
I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet

Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee
Know that you look like a chimpanzee

Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some
Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some
Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV
Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me

And you know that you look like a chimpanzee
Know that you look like a chimpanzee
Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee
Know that you look like a chimpanzee


My sister's new husband was also her cousin
They found out when she gave birth
Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers
It's natural selection in reverse
So what, caused, these flaws
Was it a lack, of, in-laws

Oh yer in-bred
One eyebrow across your head
When kin-folk wed
Yer in-bred


Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now
Go and get something I ain't never seen
And on the discount rack I see Deliverance
And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene
Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean
Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees
It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars
I guess he didn't read, the script too far
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down
Well I wonder how desperate he was
Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood
But I would never let them tie me to a tree
Screaming and holding up my BVDs
Just waiting for Burt to come and rescue me
Screaming "Hey Burt!" (Hey Burt) "Hey-ay-ay!"

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star
I bet the next day, his agent got fired
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

© 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP



OUR BOY AND BUBBA

Well we had us a little baby boy
Our bundle of love, our pride and joy
You know we’re just as happy as can be
Now he’s crawling ’round the house
And I don’t mind not goin’ out
There’s just one little thing that troubles me

He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay
He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage
He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact
You and me are white, our boy and Bubba’s black

Well our friends ain’t too much said a thing
And your folks said well I’ll be
And my folks ain’t ever been around
Well now your folks say that’s the key
It’s one of those skips a generation things
Well I ain’t found their reasoning too sound

He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay
He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage
He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact
Once you’ve been with Bubba, you ain’t ever goin’ back

Yeah he looks like Bubba, more and more everyday
He looks like Bubba, well I guess I’m on my way
Now it ain’t like I ain’t got a plan, now the truth has set me free
I’m gonna move in with your sister
You know her little girl looks a lot like me

© 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP

CD #17
Refrigerator Art, 2006


ARE WE THERE YET?

We’re going off to Grandma’s, it’s a seven-hour drive
It feels more like ten million, don’t think I can survive
We’re barely out of town, I’m already bored to tears
’Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers

Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas
How many more miles, how many more minutes
I’m strapped in my seat, don’t wanna stay in it
I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago
Man, the time is going slow
Are we there yet?

My sister Peggy’s teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me
“We’ve got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely”
We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states
That’s a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy’s hair, a sneak attack

Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas
How many more miles, how many more minutes
Why can’t Grandma come to our house to visit
I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago
My rear-end’s just about killing me, so
Are we there yet?

Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy’s reading it to me
While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs
I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows
Then Dad says, “Hey, what do you know, I do believe we’re here!”

Now we’re here – yes! Dad stepped on the gas
No more miles, no more minutes
There’s a swimming pool! I’m gonna jump in it
I hope the time’ll go real slow
Now we’re here I don’t want to go
I’m gonna play and play and play all day
We’ll stay here till I’m old and gray
Let’s buy up land, Dad whaddaya say
We’re here, we’re here, we’re here!
Finally!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM

Mom says my room’s a horrible mess
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
I love my mom but I don’t dig her
When she yells, “Pick up all of those action figures!”
Much easier said than done
Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with ’em

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor
Legos and gameboys, right over there
I see my favorite old missing teddy bear
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom

“Listen here, young man,” Mom calls up the stairs
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“Don’t forget to pick up all your underwear!”
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Now mom is cool but she needs to chill
Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill
For parachuting down or hiding all day
Why would I ever want to put it all away?

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor
Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what’s that
My one-eyed toad with the sailor’s hat
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom

There’s a giant inflatable dinosaur
A great big Simba with a great big roar
All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer
A life-sized poster of Dumbledore
I got puzzles and models and games galore
It’s like someone blew up a great big toy store
With all this cool stuff out on the floor
Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes…

I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“What in the world’s going on up there?”
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
“If that room’s not clean by the count of three
I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key”
“That sounds great mom!” I say thankfully
“We’re real good friends, my mess, and me”

Power Rangers, swords and zords
Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor
Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask
A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash
Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room
Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



HALLOWEEN

The night is dark and real spooky
Ghosts in the streets, white cats on the prowl
Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields
Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl?

Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts
I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart
If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene
But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween

I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute?
I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want your fruit

I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass
Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask
I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream
Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween

I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit
I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out
The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room
Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear
Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny
I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate

And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn
I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong
It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah

Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute
All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don’t want no fruit

I don’t want your fruit
I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s
Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces
I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds
I want your candy
Happy Halloween!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



HE’S A BULLY

I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school
He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules
When he gives me those noogies, I don’t stand a chance
He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance
He’s got me so nervous, I can’t relax
And I’d rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks

He’s a bully
He’s a bad bad creep
A stinky meanie, and there’s no relief
From the bully
He’s a yucky yuck creep
A big old bully, just a big old bully

Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll
Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho
He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist
If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist
He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect
And all the other kids laugh so they won’t be next

He’s a bully
He’s a bad bad creep
A stinky meanie, yeah there’s no relief
From the bully
He’s a yucky yuck creep
Big old bully, just a big old bully

Well I got so sick of being afraid
I told my mom and my dad and the teacher’s aide
I should have done it sooner but I just didn’t know
That there’s people who can help when a problem grows

So we went to his house, my Dad and me
We met the whole bully family
The bully was quiet, so was his mom
His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me

That this big bully gets bullied at home
And I wished his dad would leave him alone
I started feeling sorry for the bully
And I stopped being scared of the bully

And I said, “Hey! Mr. Lewis! It’s okay…
You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends…
What do you think, Bill?”
And Bill looked at me… and he actually smiled a little…
And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis…
And then…Mr. Lewis smiled, too… and it was kind of… cool

Now I can walk to school and I got no fear
I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we’re
Not so different, not really different at all
We can both get scared, and I don’t need to call

Him a bully
Now he’s one of my peeps
He doesn’t call me names, he doesn’t give me the creeps
I call him Billy
And when we walk down the street
We’re buddies, good good buddies
Yeah we’re buddies, good good buddies
Everybody, meet my new friend Billy...

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



NOT ME

There’s someone causing trouble, whoever can it be
When Mama wonders who’s to blame I always say “Not Me”
“Are you sure it wasn’t daddy who left Elmo by the tree?
Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me”

“Who left the front door open? There’s a stray cat in here”
“It could have been the wind though I admit it’s awful weird”
“And who left all these lights on, that’s a waste of energy”
Let’s start investigating, Ma, ’cause I know it was Not Me

There’s two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me
Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me

Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries
We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV
“Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?”
It’s another big old myst’ry, ’cause I know it was not me

“Who left the bathtub running? I’ve got soap suds to my knees
Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me?
Who’s been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine”
It’s sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me

There’s two words I’m repeatin’, Not Me Not Me Not Me
These two words can’t be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be
It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me

There must be an imposter, he’s got shirts that look like mine
A familiar face runs ’round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides
When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly
“Are you the one responsible?” I swear it was Not Me

No he’s the one who done it, he’s the one to blame
He’s the offending party, and you can ask for him by name

He’s the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me
He’s the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me
When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see
Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be
It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably
Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably
Most assuredly…
Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me
Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



I’LL BE GOOD

I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter’s coming in
Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin’
Hey don’t you want to take me, the life of the party who’s tons of fun
What do you mean I don’t know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin’?

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I swear I won’t be a problem, won’t do nothing wrong
Won’t be loud and crazy, please take me along
And I promise I’ll eat the stuff on my plate
I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say

Dad says, “Remember that day at the diner,
When they were out of what you wanted to eat
You screamed, ‘what, no strawberry ice cream?’
And banged your fists and stomped your feet”
“Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad
Thanks for that memory”
“Well, we did not find it amusing
Everyone staring at your mother and me”

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I won’t spill soda, won’t have no conniption
Don’t need no babysitter, don’t need no prescription
I swear! For the rest of the day
I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say

“Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there
You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair”

I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
I won’t throw my salad, won’t throw no tantrum
Won’t be obnoxious, oh please don’t abandon me
I know how to behave
I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say
For the rest of the day
C’mon make my day

© 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP



LITTLE SISTER
(OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU)


Every day I do, lots of different things
I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings
I like whatever new stuff, every day brings
But my little sister’s in a rut

Jessie gets one thought into her head
And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again
Can’t she say anything else instead
She’s gonna drive me nuts, she says

Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
I think I’m gonna just go nuts

It’s a snowy cold day, we’re stuck inside
She’s repeating those words and there’s nowhere to hide
If I only knew what the heck she means then I
Might not be coming unglued

I give her all my playdough to distract her
And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor
But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers
What am I going to do

Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says
Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
Can’t she ever shift her gears
Ooly gooly baka hu, it’s all I hear
I think I’m gonna move to Zimbabwe

Mom says “It’s just a stage, she’s gotta go through
Let’s try to teach her something else, something new”
I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo
Any animal will do

Dad says “she’s just like a broken record,” and then I say
"Uh, what’s a record? And how do they break?"
Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says
“Lima broka mekker too”

Lima broka mekker, it’s different, but then she says
Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says
Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she
Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears
Can’t she ever shift her gears
She’ll say the same old thing for three whole years
Lima broka mekker
Aaaahhhhh!!!
I think I’m gonna go nuts
You’re driving me crazy!
Would you stop doing that, please?!
Mom!!

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



REFRIGERATOR ART

We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint
And we’re slapping it on with very little restraint
Teacher says we’re great artists, yeah we’re the very best
But when I take it home to Mom, that’s the real test

Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge
Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top
And when we open it up, another piece drops
So we’re up to our ears in my genius
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

I got a tin can and a piece of string
And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting
And with all this junk I create my masterpiece
We’re gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least

Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
Where my collection is complete and unabridged
I filled up the door, above, below, and in between
Inside and out, we can’t open the thing
Seems someone’s more interested in art than food storage
So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it
Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets
Refrigerator art, Mom can’t get enough
Of all my beautiful stuff

Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in
She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen
She’s showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds
She’s got tears in her eyes, she’s so dang proud
The other mothers smile at what they’ve been shown
Cause they’ve got the same stuff on fridges of their own

If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge
Of space on the door, it’s so fully saturated
With all the masterworks that her little boy created
So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge
Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



QUITCHER WHINING!

I’m bored… I’m really really bored
I’m so bored, it’s not even funny
I say, “Mom… I’m bored!”
And she says, “I’d love to help you honey”

But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s suppertime, and Mom’s serving up the food
And Jessie’s plate isn’t quite as full as mine
She says, “Mom! I want more!”
And Mom says, “I’ve told you a thousand times”

When you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s Saturday, and Peggy’s friends have come to play
And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide
She says, “Mom! Where’s my purple bathing suit?”
Mom says, “That’s it, everyone inside!”

When you whine at me, it makes me want to do
The opposite of what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Quit whining! Quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

It’s bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth
And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath
I say, “Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?”
And Mom says, “Why certainly!”

When you’re polite with me, it makes me want to do
Just exactly what it is you want me to
So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do
Ask politely! And quitcher whining!

Cause what does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off!

What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
What does whining get you? Nothing!
So knock it off! And be polite!
Before I get mad… and maybe throw something…
And that would be bad… so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining!

© 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I JUST WANT TO HELP

Well it’s time for me to start helping out around the house
I can polish silverware cause I’m a big boy now
So I’m standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains
Mom says, “Don’t push that button!” “Oops, spoon down the drain”
“No… is there something you can help your father do?
I’ll be clearing this disposal all afternoon”

But I, I just wanted to help
Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know that you can lean on me
Why don’t you sit down and rest for a spell
I just want to help
I just want to help

Dad’s in the driveway, fixing the car
Hey, I’ll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h’yar
And I’m pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing
It splatters ol’ Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding
That’s a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again
I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming

And I, I just wanted to help
Dad, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know that you can count on me
I can help you do that job so well
I just want to help
Yeah I just want to help

Vacuum cleaner’s in the corner, Mom’s on the phone
She’ll be so surprised I did this big job all alone
Wow! What was that? “Oh my, oh lord”
Our vacuum just ate our computer cord
“Steven, be a dear, and go out and play
If you help me any more, I’ll be here all day”

But I, I just wanted to help
Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know you can depend on me
I’m not living in no hotel
I just want to help
Yeah, I just want to help

And I appreciate, and your attitude is great
But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself
What??

But I, I just wanted to help
You shouldn’t have to do it all yourself
Just want you to know you can depend on me
I’m reliable, can’t you tell
I just want to help
I just want to help
I just want to help
I just want to help

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP



I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED

It’s 9 o’clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away
“Brush your teeth, wash your face,” that’s what they always say
“Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is
You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz”

But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you
All the cool stuff happens at night

I’m in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch
I’d rather be wearing daddy’s shirt, hanging out on the couch
“All my friends stay up late!” I’m pleading my case
“Well they get As and Bs and eat the veggies on their plates”

But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you
Bedtime is for boys with no life

Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin
I say “let’s stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon!
Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk”
That should keep us busy till two or three o’clock

I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
I’m not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y’all
And I’m really not sleepy tonight

I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
I’ve been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway
Why don’t we play Monopoly all night?

“Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?”
With my flashlight and a comic book, I’ll read under the covers
I can’t believe I fell asleep, they’re shaking me awake
Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break!

I don’t wanna leave the bed, I don’t wanna leave the bed
It isn’t fair, it’s just not right
There’s nothing to do, I don’t wanna go to school
I just wanna lie in bed
I just wanna lie in bed
I just wanna lie in bed my whole life

© 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP


CD #16
Objects In Mirror, 2005


STEVE THE PIRATE

When Steve was a young man he set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be
He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout
But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out

Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties!
Where's Steve?
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to Steve
But no chiropractor he turned out to be
Arrr!
On that ship he could find no relief for his back
'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack

Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag!
Smartly there, men!


Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken
This is a voyage I shouldn't'a taken
Arrr! Arrr!
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me

Shiver me timbers!
Fasten them jibs, ye...
Heave to! Heave three!


On the second day out, his misfortunes did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
Arrr! Arrr!
He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down

Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder!
Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho!


He suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
Arrr! Arrr!
He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess
If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS

Wait in the lookout!
Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!


Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as Steve/me

He could not rob and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave me some filing to do
Arrr! Arrr!
But it did not take long till I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome

Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck!

By the end of the week all his mateys could tell
My career as a pirate wasn’t going too well
Arrr! Arrr!
Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around
And decided that no one would miss me too much if I drowned

Thanks, fellas...
Where's Steve?


Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Oy, me mizzenmast! (again)
Ay carrumba!
(and yet more incomprehensible pirate noise)


He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report
Though my plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort
He washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s
Arrr! Arrr!

Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately,
clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!
Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal!
(and even more incomprehensible pirate noise)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone...


© 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie



GO FORTH MY SON

Go forth my son, there's work to be done
It's up to you to lead us in the new millenium
So learn well the lessons that history has to teach
And follow the examples of our forefathers

Go forth my son, like George Washington
Put powder in your wig and wear wooden teeth
And sire illegitimate children, and stand up in boats
And get your picture on a quarter

Go forth my son, like Abraham Lincoln
Drive yourself to work in a luxury towncar
And every year on your birthday, put consumer electronics on sale
And live in a cabin made of tiny logs

America is a great big country
With many fine stores open late
It's got pizza and cell phones
And fraudulent elections
I'd have to say America is great

It's an excellent place to be an American
So let's all give a rousing cheer
Of God Bless America, it's the land I call... here

So go forth my son, with stalwart conviction
An accident of birth has made you an American
So always fight for what you believe in, every now and then
And good luck tomorrow on your history exam

© 2001 Andy Corwin



SOMEBODY ELSE GOT TO BE
JIMMY BUFFETT


I'm just a middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-roader
Trying to do the best I can do
I got a fiberglass boat with an Evenrude motor
I named her Margaritaville II

I got a closet full of shirts that are covered in parrots
My belly hangs over my belt
Sometimes I get to thinking that it just isn't fair
It's a rotten hand of cards I've been dealt

When I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife
She just told me to stuff it
Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life
Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett

I'm just a white-bread parrot-head wannabe poet
Hoping for a night on the town
I drink way too much tequila, but you would never know it
Until I throw up and fall down

Oh my head starts to swimmin' when I try and meet women
I become a slave to my fears
I guess you could say I'm horizontally challenged
I haven't been laid in two years

I have this recurring dream I'm on a tropical beach
Out beyond the continental shelf
But as the palm trees sway all the women ever say
Is why don't you get drunk and screw yourself?

Oh and when I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife
She just told me to stuff it
Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life
Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett
Somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett

© 2001 Andy Corwin



HOW COME YOU AIN'T DEAD YET

There was magic, there was music, there was quiet tenderness
You said you couldn't live without me, and you sealed it with a kiss
You spelled it out in poetry, how much I meant to you
And if you had to live without me, whatever would you do?
Whatever would you do? Well, if what I hear is true
You're doing Billy, Bobby, Barry, Larry, Fred, and Bubba too

You said you couldn't live without me, like Romeo and Juliet
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

Life has not been fair to you, I know the struggles that you've been through
And the responsibility you've lived up to, so little time, so many guys to do
But just think, if you were dead, how great my life would be
My lawyer tells me I'm your sole beneficiary

You said you couldn't live without me, and it's touching to see such a devoted bimbette
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

You broke your glass slipper, but don't worry Cinderella
You got thirty days to die or it's me, that's gonna kill ya

I wouldn't be missing much, especially in the bed
From what I can recall it might be better, if you were dead

You said you couldn't live without me, I hope you wreck your new Corvette
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

© 1992 Steve Goodie



THE DOLLAR BILL SONG

She took a dollar bill from her wallet, she picked up a fountain pen
She wrote down the words 'I love you' next to the picture of George Washington
She took the dollar bill to the grocery store, and bought herself a chocolate cake
She gave the dollar bill to the grocery man, and she went back home to wait

The grocery man gave the dollar bill to a fat guy from Baton Rouge
He spent the bill at the hardware store on a box of flat-top screws
The hardware store gave the dollar bill to a customer named Clive
Who, by the way, is the son of one of the original Dave Clark Five

He spent the bill at the laundramat, they gave it to a lady named Fran
Fran's youngest son stole the bill from her purse and went to see Star Wars again
The movie theatre guy spent the dollar bill on a subway ride uptown
Three minutes later the bill was in the pocket of a gamblin' man named Brown

Brown blew the bill in a poker game, he was fishin' for an inside straight
The dollar went home with a man named Jones who was sitting on a pair of eights
Jones took the bill to a savings bank, the teller's name was Dan
Dan gave the bill to a customer named Rabbi Finkelman

Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there

Anyway the Rabbi spent the bill on a ham and cheese to go
They gave the bill to a guy named Phil who gave it to his best friend Joe
Joe had planned to spend it on some flowers for his bride
But he was mugged by a junkie named Doug in the parking lot outside

Doug's old lady spent the bill on a couple o' cans o' beer
She eventually becomes a very famous poet but that don't matter here
The liquor store guy put the dollar bill in his register but then
Doug the junkie said "Stick 'em up" and the dollar was his again

Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there

He gave the bill to a girl named Jill who gave it to a girl named Flo
She gave the bill to a real short guy whose name I do not know
He gave the bill to another short guy who gave it to a guy named Jake
Jake took the bill to a bar 'n' grill and bought himself a sirloin steak

Well later that day I happened to say "Think I'll stop by the bar 'n' grill"
The cashier counted out my change and handed me the dollar bill
Well I ran to a phone and I dialed in her number as fast as my fingers could do
I said "Baby, I just got your message" I said "Baby,I love you too"

I said, I am with you all the time I can hear you loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there
I said, baby, you don't need no dime, you don't need no subway fare
Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there
Yes you know I will be there, baby I'm with you everywhere

© 1990 Andy Breckman



IF I WAS YOU

If I was you I wouldn't stay with me, I'd have left me back in 1983
I'd have headed straight for Nashville Tennessee, if I was you, I wouldn't stay with me

If I was you I wouldn't stick around, I'd hop aboard the next bus out of town
Change my name to a different proper noun, if I was you I wouldn't stick around

No I would not stick around for more abuse
I'd throw my hands up and say what's the use
I call up all the airlines for a schedule of their flights
And get myself a stylish set of matching Samsonites

If I was you I'd leave me right away, I wouldn't stick around for one more day
Instead of turning prematurely gray, if I was you I'd leave me right away

Oh I'd leave me right away oh yes I would
I would take this opportunity to stick it to me good
I would hastily embark upon a long-overdue journey
Leave the nasty details in the hands of your attorney

If I was you I'd kick it into gear
Cause you ain't gonna find what you want here
But before you go would you get me another beer? Thanks darlin!
If I was you I wouldn't
If I was you I wouldn't
If I was you I wouldn't stay with me

© 2001 Andy Corwin



MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND

She's a real type-A, and she's over-insured
Her favorite castaway, is Thurston Howell the Third
She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise
I can be her lover long as I downsize

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every Friday we go liberal-bashing

She's got the supreme court, tattooed on her rump
Beside an autographed por-trait of Donald Trump
And from the day I checked her out from front to back
I knew her private sector could take up the slack

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every Sunday we go Medicare-slashing

Oh baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast
You're having the spotted-owl omelette, whites only
Come on baby, bust my union, raise my interest rate, light my library fire

She only deals in quality narcotics and guns
She's got a Mexican wallet made from real Mexicans

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every summer we go wilderness-slashing

© 1995 Roy Zimmerman



PASSING TRAINS

A man is riding on a train, he's heading south, it starts to rain
He hums a soft and sad refrain, he thinks he'll never love again

On the other track a train, is heading north, through the rain
A woman looks out her window pane, her life has been a lonely game

Well, the two trains pass, they're moving fast
Faces flicker past, for half a beat
Their two eyes meet, and instantly they both can see
That they were meant to be

Yes it happened just like that, it hit them like a thunder crack
Both of them had seen the answer to their dreams, passing on the other track

So at the next stop he gets off, a love like that should not be lost
He takes the next train heading north, he does not know she's done the same

So they pass again, for half a beat
Their two eyes meet
But something's changed, it's not the same
Now they can see they were not meant to be

Well she knew someday it would have to end
She wonders can they still be friends
All the plans he made, all begin to fade
As she disappears around the bend

He will never, he will never be the same
Deep in his heart she will remain
As he hums a soft and sad refrain
He thinks he'll never love again

What do you think?
I think he's gonna love again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again

© 1990 Andy Breckman



THERE YOU HAVE IT,
THERE YOU ARE


I been slipping on banana peels since I got out of bed
Running round in circles till my face turns red
Falling out of windows, landing on my head
It's a miracle of science that I ain't dead

Ain't no use, hey can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
It's kind of hard to believe that I made it this far
There you have it, there you are

I been stretched like a rubber band, strung like wire
Pumped up and punctured like a bicycle tire
Last time I checked, my hair was on fire
My car got broken into by the tabernacle choir

Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
You'd have to admit that it's kind of bizarre
There you have it, there you are
There you have it, there you are

Now I don't like to make a fuss
I say let the chips fall where they will
But I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus
Rolling a great big rock uphill

I been stapled to a chicken and thrown outdoors
Chased by ravenous dinosaurs
Hit by several meteors
I just ran out of metaphors

Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
It's downright irregular
There you have it, there you are
There you have it, there you are

© 2001 Andy Corwin



IN A WAFFLE HOUSE
IN ALABAMA


I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama

It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared
At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House

In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House
In Alabama

I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't"

Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham

I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike
Or you'll end up

In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

© 1992 Steve Goodie




CD #15
When Harry Met Charlie, 2005


GOBLET OF FIRE
A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp

Harry! Did you hear? They’re going to have the Tri-Wizard
contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your
name in the hat?
Oh, Ron, you know Harry’s much too young to enter that.
Hermione, this contest’ll be the greatest thing ever! What
do you say, Harry?
I’m sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and
the Goblet Of Fire…
Hermione! You’re positively…
...and Harry has more important things to think about, like
whether Voldemort is actually back…


He made the team, and boy it was a good one
When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer
But with the fourth year came a new competition
When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion
Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in
He didn’t want to play, but he’s playin’ anyway
Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire

First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one
And then he had to swim, that’s what the second task required
But that maze was bad, it went on forever
And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion
Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he’s in
Portkey in the maze, took him so far away
To Voldemort’s soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire

Ah, Harry… I expected you’d find your way back to me in time…
My Lord, there are two boys!
And now there is one… for the moment… I have risen again…
Yes my lord… welcome back, my lord…
Silence, faithless cowards! And now… Harry Potter… you will
finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago!
Expelliarmus!
Avada Kedavara!
You’re doing just fine Harry…
Hold on, Harry…


He fought the good fight, though no one believes him
There’s no celebration, no they call him a liar
’Cause a champion’s dead, though Harry retrieved him
Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who’s among the graves
Goblet Of Fire, still workin’ his evil ways
Who’s to say the way the monster got away
He keeps on gettin’ bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire

Goblet Of Fire, Moody’s been in his trunk
Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter’s some kind of ladybug
Nobody’s who they say they are on their resumé
It’s all on Harry’s shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire

Dumbledore, surely you don’t believe that this boy actually saw
He Who Must Not Be Named?

Not only do I believe him… I know that Voldemort has returned!

You are just stirring up trouble! I’ll have your job for this.

I’m not finished with you yet, Harry Potter…


© 2005 Steve Goodie



DUDLEY'S CRYIN'
A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen

Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt… I never liked the
look of you. Why don’t you straighten your hair? You’re a
freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be
punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that
wand away! That’s no fair!

He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry
Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary
It made him feel so mad…

Stop it! Stop! No!


Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’
Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Now Dudley’s pretty large, all right
He’s all beef and cheddar
Eats everything in sight
Holy cow, he’s a heifer
He thinks he’s real clever, yeah yeah
He’ll pick on any little kid whatsoever
He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds
Till his clothes explode altogether

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’
Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore
Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don’t understand

I’m not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You’re not allowed
to use that wand outside of school… Hey – hey! You’re not
supposed to – Please… not the wand… I’m sorry! I didn’t
mean it! Don’t hurt me! I’ll let you eat your own dinner,
I swear… and you can play with my Game Boy… and read
my comic books…


He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah
And he’s got no manners whatsoever
He says mummy, isn’t it Christmas-time
Cause he knows she’ll buy him whatever

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’

Ouch! That hurts! You’re mean!

Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’...

Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I
don’t want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please
Harry! I’ll give you back all your books, and I won’t snoop
in your room anymore, and I’ll tell Father to let you eat at
the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I’ve grown
another tail! That’s two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be
reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C’mon,
we can talk about this, can’t we? There must be something
you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah?
Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my
dinner? She can’t have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it!
Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW!
All right, she can have the dessert too… Can eat one carrot? I
can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble
and grateful for my carrot.


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins



ROWLING MUST DELIVER
A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

I’ve read every Harry Potter book at least five times!
I’ve seen every movie ten times!
Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman?
Duh! And it’s pronounced “Rolling…”
It is not!
It is too!
Why do they only release these books at midnight?
Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books
when it's our turn!

I’ve read every book in the series
’Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron
But Rowling don’t write ’em, nearly fast enough
I need a lot more c’mon c’mon c’mon

Young readers keep returning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

You take way too long to complete ’em
I’ve read all the old ones a hundred times
And I’ve seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see
On the 16th of July I’ll be the first one in line

New stories keep on churning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book!
Virginia, I never said that… I said…
Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione!


I got me a wand and a broomstick
And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head
Now Rowling don’t you worry, you don’t gotta hurry
But you’re forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead

Big pages keep on turning
Big money you’ll be earning
Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver

© 2005 Steve Goodie



DUMBLEDORE
A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until an owl brought me the news

It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes

But he said “you’re not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care
If you rot away in your room”

But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom

I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I’m gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great

Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face

Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through

Now the coach has started slowing down
And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can’t believe it’s coming true

I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff…

He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and

Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and

Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and

Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters

I can't wait, no I can't wait
I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort

© 2005 Steve Goodie



THIS DUDE RON RON RON
A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals

I met him on the train that takes the kids to school
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
He’s got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he was just sitting there
Yeah, he had this bright red hair
And he didn’t care where I come from
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

He told me that he’d heard of me since he was three
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
But he didn’t mind that I was a celebrity
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he treated me good
Yeah, just like a best friend should
And we’re both here in Gryffindor
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

I swear, I can’t decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron,
or if you’re the bad influence on Harry!
Maybe it’s you, Hermione… did you ever think how much happier
we’d both be if you quit nagging us to study? C’mon Harry, let’s
go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again!


One day when we were talking on the castle lawn
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
Draco started making fun of Ron’s poor mom
This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

Yeah, he tried to pick a fight
And I was right there by Ron’s side, until
Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin
For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron

He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron
He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron...

Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there?
Oh Ron… he’s just a boy…
Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance.
That’s what it says in all the papers… now we have
several celebrities amongst us…


© 2005 Steve Goodie



MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES
GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS

A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug
Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em think that they run everything
Just because of their old wizard blood

Most wizards are easy to love, but some of ’em ain’t
Most of ’em are tons of fun, but some’s a big pain
Great big old egos and cold evil eyes
You can’t trust a thing that they say
If his name is Draco and he’s walkin’ by
You turn and you just walk away

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don't let ’em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts
Let ’em be Weasleys and Grangers and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Cause when they get grown they can often be prone
To be real pains in the butt

Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born
They think they’re superior, but they’re woefully misinformed
They’re cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side
They’re rotten old jerks to the core
For more on the subject, might I suggest
You check with their pal, Voldemort

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be creepy belligerent thugs
Let ’em drop dead, is that asking too much?
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Cause when they get grown they can often be prone
To be real pains in the butt

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug
Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys
That old Hogwarts school never saw such a...

© 2005 Steve Goodie



HERMIONE / FLY
A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff

Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, but she’s got an awful lot to say
Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, and she’ll be a witch someday
I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time
Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yeah
And someday I’ll write a punchline

Harry Potter, feels a little strange
As he’s been growing older
He’s a wizard, which his family hates
He knows he’s so out of place

Then Hagrid came a-calling
Took Harry off to school
Now he’s got a wand and
And best of all, he can

Fly
Soaring up above the school so fast and far away
He can fly
Forget about his suffering and his muggle life
That boy can fly
Cause it’s his time
Time to fly

Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else
You’ve got Ron and me, Hermione, now
And when you study, you study magic spells
So much better than history now

The Quidditch Cup is calling
Can you win for Gryffindor?
You’re younger and smaller
But you can take it all

Fly
You know you’ve got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play
You can fly
Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids
And get that snitch
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly

And far and wide your name is known
It’s the price you have to pay
For beating Voldemort years ago
You fought him better than anyone else

Harry Potter, how your life has changed
Don’t you feel ten years older
Take a minute, try to acclimate
Let go of yesterday

Fly…
Soaring up above the school so fast and far away
You can fly…
Forget about your suffering and your muggle life
That boy can fly
Fly…
Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids
And get that snitch
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly

Harry Potter, feels a little strange

© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE
A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed

How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad?
Eight thousand and twelve.
Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a ton of money!
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Come on Charlie… let your father rest…


Charlie came from nowhere, you might say
Couldn’t afford no chocolate bars, no way
Every day, just cabbage soup
While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes
He says, “Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side”
He says, “Hey Dad, that Wonka’s a wild guy”

Happy birthday, Charlie!
Thanks, everybody!
Here’s your present, Charlie.
Is it chocolate?
You know it is! Go ahead, open it!
Okay… wow!


Candy came to Charlie just once a year
With nuts!
Though every day he walked past the chocolatier
“I gotta get a break,” he said
“Gotta get my grandpa out of bed”
He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside”
And the little folks go,
Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp…

Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa?
Charlie, I haven’t been out of bed in twenty years…

So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay
I don’t even have any clothes!
Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee
There was chocolate here and chocolate there
And there’s Grandpa Joe in his underwear
He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side”

Welcome everyone!
Look Grandpa!
It’s just amazing, Charlie, isn’t it?!
I want a grandpa, Daddy!


Augustus is just floating away
Oy…
And Violet has become a blueberr-ay
Mike is on a little TV
And Veruca’s a real bad nut indeed
They said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side”
I said, “Hey honey, that Wonka’s a wild guy”
And the little folks say,
Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp…

Grandpa, I don’t think Augustus should be drinking right out of the
chocolate river like that…
No, Charlie… I think he’s going to wind up swimming.
And right after eating! That can’t be good.
And what about that little girl who’s the size of a house?
I think she bit off more than she could chew.
She sure did!
Do you think Mike will be all right? He’s so small now.
Sure, a little TV exposure never hurt anyone. Look at Gary Coleman.


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



WONKA GOLD
A parody of "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

Chocolates! Cream filled, caramel covered marshmallow fudge delights!
Toffee, peanut brittle, lollipops, bubblegum, everything you want, right here!
What’s the matter young man? Don’t you like chocolate?


I’m just a lonely bloke, my parents got no cash, we’re always broke
Got my Grandpa Joe, but he just lays in bed, and we’re skin and bones

I can’t afford no sweets, there’s little chance that I will overeat
Until one lucky day, a ticket comes my way, and it’s Wonka gold
It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka gold
It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
Marshmallow tarts’re among the things I’m eating
Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry
Till I found Wonka gold

Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka
Wonka, Wonka, Wonka

On the assembly line, Oompa Loompas work the overtime
They’re only two-foot-nine, and they all work for me cause I’m Wonka gold

The other kids declined to follow rules and read the warning signs
They went one at a time, and oh I’m still alive, and I’m Wonka gold
I’m Wonka gold, I’m Wonka gold
I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
My fellow kids are gone and barely breathing
Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry
But now I’m Wonka gold

Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka
Wonka, Wonka, I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka

Where have all the children gone?
They all disappeared, Mr. Wonka.
All of them? Every last one?
All except Charlie – he’s still here.
Why yes, indeed he is! Four bad little children,
and one very good boy. And you know what that
means, don’t you?
What, Mr. Wonka? What does it mean?
You really don’t know? Why, of course…
how could you know? It means you win!


Veruca was a creep
Like Violet Beauregard and Mike TV
Augustus fell in deep
And I’m the one that’s left, thanks Wonka

My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me
We followed most of the rules and now we’ve beaten
All kinds of rotten kids who need reminding
That I’m on Wonka’s throne

Grandpa Joe, did you hear? I’m going to run the factory!
That’s right Charlie! It’s a miracle!
Look, Charlie… it’s all yours… everything you see…
the Chocolate Room, the Chocolate River, the whole
factory belongs to you. All the oompa loompas will
be working for you. Everyone in the world will know
your name, and your chocolate. You see, I couldn’t
trust an adult to take it over… adults ruin things. I
needed one very good boy, a boy I could trust to do
things my way… and that boy is you!


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo



VERUCA
A parody of "Luka" by Suzanne Vega

Famed chocolate-maker Willy Wonka has announced
that he has placed five “Golden Tickets” in candy bars
sold around the world. The lucky finders of these
Golden Tickets will win a tour of his mysterious
chocolate factory, and a lifetime’s supply of chocolate.
Daddy! Daddy! I want a Golden Ticket! Get me a
Golden Ticket!
A golden what?
A Golden Ticket!! A Golden Ticket!! Stop being so
stupid and get me a Golden Ticket!! NOW!!!


My name's Veruca
I am your superior
I live uptown from you
You’ve seen me in my Halston before
If I want something night or day
I ring a bell and I get my way
It doesn’t matter what I want
Daddy buys it, nice and prompt
Yes Daddy gives me what I want

I think I’m quite almighty
I don't have to fight the crowd
Daddy tells me I'm his princess
I get stuff when I get loud
I throw a fit and scream and cry
Eventually he will comply
He just don’t argue anymore
I want the whole stinkin’ candy store
So he just buys me more and more

Daddy! I want an oompa loompa!
Yes darling.
No! I want five oompa loompas!
Yes darling.
And I want a chocolate waterfall, and a pet
squirrel, and I want gum that tastes like
a five-course meal but doesn’t turn me
into a blueberry, and I want a whole garden
made out of candy where everything is edible…
Yes darling.


I heard Wonka say
Five kids would see his factory
So Daddy told his every employee
To find a golden ticket just for me
You see I plan to reign supreme
So “Daddy Daddy Daddy!!” I shriek and scream
Just don’t sit there, dawdling
Daddy call the limousine
Just go buy me everything

My name's Veruca
And you are far inferior
I have declared that you
Will do my will and bow to the floor
If you have something I don’t got
You hand it right over on the spot
Just don’t ask me what it’s for
It’s not your business anymore
Just keep on walking, there’s the door

I throw a fit and whine and pout
And scream, “Oh Daddy I want it NOW!”
You just don’t argue anymore
I want the whole stinkin’ candy store
You just don’t argue anymore
I want it more
Give it to me, give it to me, baby

I want it now, now now NOW!
Give it to me!
I want it, I want it!
I want a squirrel Daddy!
Buy me an oompa loompa! NOW!


© 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins



THIS FUDGE
A parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5

Hey, who’s that kid?
Dunno… I’ve never met him…
He doesn’t have any sweets.
That’s his bad luck, isn’t it?
Shh… here he comes…
Hi guys.
Hey… I heard all your grandparents sleep in one bed. Is that true?
Yeah.
Really?
See? You owe me five quid.


I was so poor I never could afford
The treats down at the candy store
The chocolate I was longing for
Then Mr. Wonka made the world aware
Five lucky, lucky kids out there
Would get a huge reward

This fudge obsesses me totally
I’ve been denied too many times before
And there’s one golden ticket that’s haunting me
But I can’t find it, cause I don’t have no cash at the store
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh

For my birthday I got chocolate
For weeks I barely nibbled it
To conserve what I adore
Oh, but this year I went ahead and wolfed it down
Then I found a dollar on the ground
I turned around and got two more… and…

This fudge has a ticket of gold for me
It says that I will get the Wonka tour
And my eyes are popping right out of me
And I will rejoice, I’m not a passerby anymore
Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh

Don’t really understand
How I got to Wonka-land
There’s Oompa Loompas all around
(All around, all around)
I’ll go full-speed ahead
Get Grandpa out of bed
Today’s the day, they say
Willy Wonka’s giving everything away

This fudge maker’s giving control to me
He says he’s tired, he wants to hand it over
And my head is spinning with disbelief
Could I be the boy, who’s gonna run the factory, yeah

This fudge is gonna belong to me
He says it’s mine, it’s too much to absorb
And my heart is jumping all over me
I said, "okay, I guess I'll take this candy store"

This fudge obsesses me totally
I’d been denied too many times before
But this golden ticket stunt just paid off for me
I’ll be the boss, and I won’t have to cry anymore

© 2005 Steve Goodie



STEVE THE PIRATE
An original song about a hypochondriac pirate

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve.
Steve wanted to play pirates with his friends,
but he was sick all the time, and he couldn’t play.
So he vowed that when he grew up, and he wasn’t
sick anymore, that he would become a REAL pirate.
But as fate would have it …


When Steve was a young man he set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be
He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout
But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out

Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties!
Where's Steve?
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me
But no chiropractor he turned out to be
Arrr!
On that ship I could find no relief for my back
'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack

Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag!
Smartly there, men!


Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken
This is a voyage he shouldn't'a taken
Arrr! Arrr!
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me.

Shiver me timbers!
Fasten them jibs, ye...
Heave to! Heave three!


On the second day out, his misfortune did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
Arrr! Arrr!
He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down

Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder!
Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho!


He suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
Arrr! Arrr!
He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess.
If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS

Wait in the lookout!
Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!


Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as Steve

He could not rob and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave him some filing to do.
Arrr! Arrr!
But it did not take long till I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome

Steve! File this! Swap the poopdeck!

By the end of the week all me mateys could tell
Me career as a pirate wasn’t going too well
Arrr! Arrr!
Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around
And decided that no one would miss him too much if he drowned

Where's Steve?

Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out you’re allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Oy, me mizzenmast! (again)
Ay carrumba!
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report
Though me plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort
Steve washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all me pirating to MP3s

Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately,
clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!
Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal!
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone...


© 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie



SACHIO
A parody of "Domino" by Van Morrison

All right... here's a little R & B, a little soul,
for this cool kid I know, named Sachio...


You might just be the world’s best kid
And your age is about to change
You been two for a whole darn year now
And now you’re in pre-school range
But there’s no need to go hiding out
You’re so much smarter than the rest
And man you never need to worry
About being first or being best

Oh oh Sachio
You’re just turnin’ three years old
There you go
I said oh oh Sachio
I hope this song is appropos
I don’t know
I said oh oh Sachio
I said oh oh Sachio

Yeah, pretty cool riff, huh? Yeah, that's my favorite
part of the song so far. But wait! Here comes another verse!


You got so many friends
You got James and Nick and Abigail and that’s not all
And if you haven’t heard from me in a while
You just give old Uncle Steve a call
(Check with Dad first)
I’ll be over in two minutes
We’ll watch Scoob and Shaggy and the whole gang
And if we get all loud and crazy, hey, man
That ain’t no big thang
(Check with Mom)

Oh oh Sachio
I can’t believe you’re three years old
There you go
I said oh oh Sachio
Seems just last week you were an embryo
I don’t know, where's the time go
I said oh oh Sachio
I said oh oh Sachio

I just wanna, I just wanna,
I said I just wanna come over and play with you
Oh Sachio
Oh Sachio
Oh Sachio
Ah ah all right
Ah ah all right
All right, yeah, yeah, Sachio, could you show me how to work this
new video game? I cannot figure this out at all. I must be --
I don't -- oh man, you win again! You always win, so smart!
I can't play with you no more. Well, maybe later, after
the trumpets play this thing here. Now! One more game,
real quick, before the song ends. Okay, go. Ready. Oh
wait, wait, hold on, ,oh, you win again! So smart... I
don't know where you get that...


© 2005 Steve Goodie



BIRTHDAY MUNKY
An original song about my pet munky!

Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, I’m three and he is too
He likes to eat his birthday cake and fling his birthday poo
Scooby Doo’s his favorite, he likes to chase the ghosts
He likes to dance in underpants and dig around his nose

Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling it!
Birthday munky fling your poo!
Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana

My munky knows karate, I go to movies free
And if somebody won’t shut up he kicks some munky butt
Oh I’ve got a birthday munky, won’t take him to the zoo
He’d rather spend my birthday kicking butt and flinging poo

Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick it!
Birthday munky kick his butt!
Birthday munky fling it! birthday munky fling it!
Fling your favorite birthday poo
Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana

Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, he’s got a microphone
He goes to karaoke and does "Like A Rolling Stone"
He buys a round of pizza, some pretzels and root beer
And when he's done his diaper's on somebody else's rear

Got to have a banana, got to have a banana
Got to have a banana
Fling your poo

© 2005 Burpo & Steve Goodie

CD #14
Steve's Greatest Kids' Hits, 2004


QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD
A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Is that Harry Potter over there?
Yes, it is!
Right, our new celebrity.
There's the new boy.
Did you see his scar?
I did - it's amazing!
I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom.
Gerroff!
Couldn't be!
Yes, he can!

Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team
in over a hundred years! That's amazing!
You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries!
Oh dry up - he's not so big!


Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I've never seen anyone fly like that!
And he's just a first-year!
Must be that Harry Potter!


He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there?
It's fantastic!


Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect
to get through his first year, breaking all those rules?


I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that
Quidditch cup to him

Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we?
Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night!
You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points!
Oh no we won't!
Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants!


'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor!
I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good...


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo



IT SAW HER STANDING THERE
A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles

And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far,
Mr. Potter?
A-one-two-three-FOUR!
Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts...
it is much too dangerous!


Well there's a snake, slithering
Below the girls' latrine
And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare
But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

You see apparently, my friend Hermione
Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair
So I took a chance, way down under, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

Serves her right!
Shut up, Draco!

Well my heart went boom, when I found that room
And I held my hand over my eyes
Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle.
AND I'm Lord Voldemort!!


Oh I stabbed two snakes that night
Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright
He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure
Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh
Till I saw him standing there

You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes.
Ready with the firework, then, Harry?
I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out.
Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders!
Oh really?
Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it
suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast,
you might not like spiders very well, either.
I suppose not.

Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom
But then that red bird landed just in time

Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?!

Oh the whole thing worked out great
And now Hermione's wide awake
And before too long I'll be a full wizard
I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh
Cause I saw it standing there
Dobby is free!
Oh since I saw it standing there
You lost me my servant, boy!
Yeah well since I saw it standing there
Thank you Harry Potter sir!
Dobby thanks you and thanks you!

Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter...
Oh yes!


© 2001 Steve Goodie





HARRY'S WAND
A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne

Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic!
Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again!


Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong

Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule)
He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo)
And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip)
He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse)

You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be
Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long
His muggle family don't approve of sorcery
He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond
Dudley's mom don't know what's going on
This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon

Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back)
He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac)
Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?)
And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?)

I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked
If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat

The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban
All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long
Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy
Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm

Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life!
Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor!
Malfoy, you're such a piece of -
Ron!
And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic!
Draco, you son of a -
Ow!
Yeah, Hermione... nice one!


Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on)
But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong)
Hey Hermione we gotta change reality
You've done it all year long, now help old Harry

Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed)
Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it)
Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy
You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP



I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA
Shrek 2 Version

A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin,
and I will never go broke, a ha ha!


I was a pop sensation
I sang this song back in '99
But then Shrek 2 swept the nation
And I got left behind

Girls used to scream my name out
Ricky please autograph my page
But now a donkey's got my gig
And a cat's got me upstaged
Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous!

I'm on my way out
I live in a a green Toyota
I can't go further down
All because of that stinky ogre
With cash flow in the red
I didn't save one iota
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn?
You don't talk to me like that!
Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car!
I am a big big star, and you you you shut up!
Shut up! No you shut up!
No you shut up!


Woke up in New York City
With my back against a wall
Where's my house, where's my money
That green ogre got it all

Way back in the nineties
I was at the height of fame
But someone ruined my career
And now I'm naming names
Bandaras is to blame
Come on!

I'm on my way out

I can't afford diet soda
I can't go further down
I'm moving to South Dakota
With cash flow in the red
As that ogre gets in-vogue-er
The money has run out
I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hello, Mama? I need some money, please!
I have no place to go and nothing to eat...
Por favor Mama...!


Girls used to beg to date me
And they'd hang around backstage
But now they see me on the street
And stare like I'm in a cage
Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on)

I'm on my way out
I 'm beginning to look like Yoda
I can't go further down
I'm a Latin Quasimoda
With cash flow in the red
I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

You're my manager, get me a job!
Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do?
I can sing...
No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do?
Can you type?
No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit...
All right, that's it - get out of my office!
I would look so good with little furry ears!
No, get out!
Here kitty kitty kitty...

Corolla
Whoa, green Toyota
A rusted-out '82 green Toyota
Yeah you heard that right, it's my house


© 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child



I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE

My girl has a moose on her bike
He’s a little brown puppet that she really likes
And they ride along, together everywhere
Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy
And I never ever thought I’d be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but....

I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it’s true
I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
If I could be anything I choose, I’d be that moose

That little moose has it real sweet
Cruising right down each and every street
Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map
Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that’s right
And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh…

I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
Gotta find out how they were introduced
I want to be that moose
I want to be that moose
I hope I don’t sound obtuse, I want to be that moose

Well one afternoon I saw him crying
Down by the moose lodge
Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike
No he’s never ever gotten beyond the garage
So I think I’d rather be me than him
Rather be me, rather be me
Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she’ll ask me in, no no no…

Don’t want to be that moose
Don’t want to be that moose
Cause living on a bike, well, what’s the use
Don’t want to be that moose
Don’t want to be that moose
I’d rather be a platypus, than be that moose

Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose
Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose


© 2002-2004 Steve Goodie



BEDWETTER
A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt

Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley!
Oh great! I hope she's having a good time.

Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom...
this place is full of rats, and there was a
tornado last night... please come get me! I'll
clean my room every day, and walk the dog...


They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun
I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one

So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter
That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder

Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone
It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home

Get on the bus, bus comes to camp
Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp
Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows
I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me
with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out
of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!!
Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please
come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do
the dishes and vacuum the entire house and
practice the piano...


Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

© 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP



SARA

I know this girl who’s real real cool
She’s the star of the neighborhood and soon the pre-school
She’s friendly and cheerful all the day through
Everyone likes her, and you would too
That’s Sara, the best little girl ever

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you give me a smile
I could walk a mile with no shoes
Cause you’re my friend too

She won’t yell in the house, she won’t throw her stuff
She gets real real quiet when Mom says, “That’s enough!”
And everybody wants to be her friend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
That’s Sara, the best little girl ever

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you sing me a song
I want to sing along with you
Cause you’re my friend too

Sara’s the best, with the best little dogs
One named Toby and the other named Roz
She’s cuter than a potato knish
She takes care of Sachio and a fish named Fish
She loves SpongeBob, and Aladdin makes her giggle
Loves Lilo and Stitch, ha ha, and The Wiggles
With Trinity and Annabel and Tommy and Max
And Lila and Denise and Christina and Daniel
Hey that didn’t rhyme, I bet you noticed that
I guess you better bop me with a wiffleball bat
No no, wait, don’t do that! Don’t make Daddy mad
Bopping people with a wiffleball bat is very bad
And Sara knows that, cause her mudda and her fadda
Would rather she smile and say, Hakuna Matada

Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you sing me a song
I want to sing along with you
Cause you’re my friend

Sara, Sara, come out and play
You’re best the best part of a really great day
Oh Sara, when you give me a smile
I could walk a mile with no shoes
Cause you’re my friend too

© 2002 Steve Goodie



BUY MY COOKIES

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads…
Start your engines!

It’s that time of year…
You see us coming out of the minivans
Wearing our cute little uniforms
And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes
You know the boxes
You know what I’m talking about!
308, 308, 308 is so darn great!


I want to go to summer camp,
I would like to earn a bike
The pretty pink one!
There are plenty of prizes in the catalog
I know I'd really like
I want that, I want that, I want that!
You see me a-boppin' down your street
You pretend that you're not home
Pretend that you're on the telephone
Hey I'll kick your screen door down
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
Guitar!

I'm bringing my little brother
Got my mom driving the van
You have no flippin' out idea
How serious I am
If those brats living on the hill
Beat me this time I swear
I'll T.P. your entire house
And I'll pull out my own hair
Ow!
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies

Now I know you've got your excuses
Oh, I'm sorry,
You've caught me without my checkbook
Oops!
I just started Jenny Craig
Look here Lola...
I see what you've got in that shopping bag.
And it's not cottage cheese!


Remember that I’m nine years old
I’ll outlive all you all
I’ll hunt you down every street
I’ll chase you through the mall
I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby
I know what I need
While you waddle into your SUV
This Girl Scout’s built for speed

Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
I’m begging you, buy my cookies
You better buy ‘em
Please buy my cookies
Just one box, just one box
Just, just, just one box, one box
What? One of each?
Uh huh…
Wow!
Uh huh… uh huh!
We see what you’re made of
Folding like a house of cards
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
I guess I could bring ‘em by…
P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me
Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh
P is for pushy


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



POOP ON THAT

My stupid little brother's in my stuff again
He's wearing my brand new hat
I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well
Poop on that

My stupid older sister got a baseball glove
And a brand new aluminum bat
I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?"
But my little sister wanted a cat
Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox
Poop on that

My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework
Cause I put some gum where he sat
It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

Poop solo!

Tommy likes Suzie better than me
I heard him say that I'm too fat
And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well
Poop on that

Grandma came by for a little visit
She was bossing me in no time flat
Now she says she's staying all summer, well...
All summer... for the love of pete...
July... how will I endure?
Come kiss Grandma!!

Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poopy doop
Cha cha cha

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND

No one really understands
How bedtime rescues me
The only math I ever do
Is when I’m counting sheep

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Hot chocolate swims around me
I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy
I’m a floating marshmallow
In my jammies with the feet

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
Wishing makes it mine
I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles
I’m frittering my time

The pajamas of my mind
Grownups wait in line
I’m flying purple roller blades
I’m frittering my time
The pajamas of my mind
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Solitary mind, solitary mind
Hari krishna, krishna krishna
Hari hari

Oo oh gee I'm sorry
Would you like to play Atari
Not even in Tucumcari
For Halloween I'm Mata Hari
Like my dad's brand new Ferrari
I voted for Marion Bar-ry
Who drives a '94 Volare
He's a cracker jack
There's no such thing as a '94 Volare
They stopped making 'm in '79
Creative license
Mine has been revoked!
I'm not just a rock star,
I'm an artist!
I'm not just Mayor McCheese,
I'm a cultural i-con-vict
I'm not an actor,
But I play one on TV
I'm not a headphone,
But I am stuck in your ear
Don't hate me because I'm pitiful
There goes a guitar down the street
My name is Luca
Choo choo!
Like almond rooca
Hey, bull...


© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



TALK IN ESPANOL

Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our
Spanish-speaking merit badge!
That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session!


We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol

Can you say hola?
Hola!
Como esta?
Como esta!
Taco?
Taco!
Chalupa?
Chalupa!
That’s very very very good…
Talk in Espanol!


That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #1

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #2

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol (even the dog)
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #3

Ba la la la, La Bamba
Ba la la la, La Bamba
Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Chalupa…

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP





QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD - live
A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that
Quidditch cup to him

'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP

CD #13
You Stink George W! 2004


YOU STINK GEORGE W!
A parody of "I Think I Love You" by The Partridge Family

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba

We’re voting
And right in the middle of the counting
The whole damn thing gets screwed up
In Florida they cannot quite explain
How Double-Yew got named
He’s a redneck knucklehead
But somehow he got selected
Thanks to help from brother Jeb
You stink George W!
You stink George W!

Osama
I've got this nasty feeling
Your family made a deal with
This guy who has decided to believe
He's our Commander in Chief
And he would not talk about it
When he got your family out
Because he’s just a trained baboon
I think he loves ya!
You stink George W!

You stink George W
You’re what I'm so afraid of
I'm afraid you’re a dictator of
A coup that there’s no cure for

You stink George W
And you got your family paid off
And it worries me to say
It's always been this way

We cannot tolerate evil-doers in the world. Evil-doers… they gotta go.
All of 'em. Smoke 'em out! Anyone who would circumvent the democratic
processes that we hold dear must be put up on a pedastal and… no wait…
hang on a second… not put up ON a pedastal… they’ve got to be elected,
THEN put up on a pedestal.


He’s not really the president
Big cash is what it’s all about
We gotta kick that mother out
Hey!

You stink George Dubya!
You’re what I'm so afraid of
I’m afraid you’re just a gov’na
Who’s into prisoner torture

You stink George Dubya!
It’s time that you were laid off
And it worries me to hear
You might get four more years

Osama
The Bushes and the Cheneys
They only want to make you happy
That’s why they say, “come to our Texas ranch”
It’s the Taliban's western branch
They want to stick around and love you
So they’ll hide you at their farm
With Al Quaeda’s new right arm
I think they love ya!

I think they love ya!
You're linked to Dubya!
I think they love ya!
You stink George Dubya!
I think they love ya!
You're linked to Dubya!
I think they love ya!
You stink George Dubya!
I think they love ya!
You stink George Dubya!

© 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



MARTHA MY DEAR
A parody of "Martha My Dear" by The Beatles

This just in:
Beloved billionaire household guru Martha Stewart was convicted today for her role in the sale of her stock in late 2001. Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, obstuction of justice, and two counts of making false statements. Once in prison, Stewart will wear standard khaki garb, take communal showers, work for forty cents per hour, and make many new friends...


Martha my dear
Now they call this place incarceration, please
Call me Louise
Martha my love, don't ignore me, Martha my dear

Whoa, you messed up, you greedy girl
What have you done?
Did you get some tips from someone?
When you find yourself doing felonies
You may find yourself with prison walls all around you
Greedy girl
Take a good look around you
Take a good look, society
Says you and me
Were meant to sleep next to each other
Roommate girl

Martha my dear
You're in charge of penal decorations please
Get on your knees
The floor needs a scrub
Then you can decoupage me
Martha my dear
You heard me

Make my bed up, you frilly girl
Yeah, that's how it's done
Let's you and me have some fun
When you find yourself doing five to ten
Surprise surprise you got lesbians all around you
Frilly girl

Martha my dear
Though you spent your days on television, please
You're stuck with me
Martha my love
Don't ignore me
Park it right here
Yeah, that's right, right here...

All right ladies, lights out!


© 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BREAKFAST IN A BOTTLE
A parody of "Message In A Bottle" by The Police

Just a Pabst away, from heaving on my feet, oh
Another hangover, and just two hours of sleep, oh
Moe's not open yet, I need my morning beer
So I'm driving to the store, though I can hardly steer, oh

I'll be an SOB to the world
Anyplace is the place I pee in the world
I hope that someone buys me
Somebody should supply me
Come on won't someone slide me
Breakfast in a bottle, yeah
Breakfast in a bottle

One beer has passed down my choking throat
I should have stocked up at Quickie Mart
Beer and Scope go so well together
One can make me {burp} and the other makes me {fart}
Excuse me!

I'll be an SOB to the world
Everyone can stare at me while I hurl
I hope that someone buys me
Someone should Jaegermeis-me
Dammit someone super-size me
Breakfast in a bottle
Hey, Chilly Willy!
Breakfast in a bottle, yeah

Good morning, Los Angeles! It's 72 degrees at the airport, 101 in the valley, with a 99 percent chance of early binge drinking!

Woke up this morning, I don't believe what I saw
A hundred million bottles, stacked up on the floor
Seems I called some old friends on the phone
Round three a.m. yesterday, now they're passed out on my lawn!
Hey everybody!

I'm be an SOB to the world
AA gave up on me, hey girls!
I knew that someone'd buy me
A couple dozen Heine's
How sweet that they'd surprise me
With breakfast in a bottle
Breakfast in a bottle

Hi, I'm Barney, and I'm an alcoholic
Hi Barney
As you know, I've been working on the first step for eight years now,
and today I can finally admit I've got a problem!
I'll drink to that!


It's a bender now, three days I guess
A bender, wow, I'm in a dress
Got a keg of beer that's bottomless
Finding everything hilarious
Taking bets who's gassiest
Who stinks the worst, who drinks the best
Waiting for my lunch to coalesce
A bender now, I must confess
It's a bender now, yes yes yes yes
A bender now with all my guests
A bender now, I'll drink to this
A bender means such sweet excess
Tomorrow I'll deny all this
But it's a bender now, how Kafka-esque
Working out pathetic-ness
I think I might run for congress
A bender, wow, so effortless
A bender, wow, such recklessness
A bender, wow, unconsciousness

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Dave Smith ASCAP



HEY THERE, GEORGY BOY
A parody of "Hey There, Georgy Girl" by The Seekers

Hey there, Georgy Boy
Swingin' every state so easily
You've got a magic card that
You can use now for anything
Just ask your dad

Hey there, Georgy Boy
Why do all the voters buy your lies
You don't even have to try
Thank God for the media

You said you'd get the terrorists
There's no place they can hide
Except Saudi Arabia
You said you'd get Osama, but I
Think he's still alive

Hey there, Georgy Boy
You're the second Georgy to preside
Cause Daddy wasn't satisfied
With only one term, you see
Nepotistically, you're in Georgy Boy

Hello?
Hello son.
Oh, hey, Daddy! Did you see me on TV? I was on the TV!
Yes, son, I know you were on TV.
Yeah, seriously, Daddy, they put me on TV...
Yes...
I taped it at home with the VCR!
Uh huh...
Yeah, the twins showed me how to use it!
Yes, W, I know all about the TV...
And the VCR!
Yes, and the VCR.
Yeah Daddy, I'm all over the TV, I'm the king!
I know...
I'm on every channel! Look, there I am, there I am...


Hey there, Georgy Boy
I wish I had a dad who made me king
You screw up every single thing
But he makes it go away

You've never been to brainy
So you keep Cheney well hid
Don't worry no one cares what you did
During Viet Nam

Hey there, Georgy Boy
Nobody believed you'd get this far
You've got your daddy's credit card
And suddenly you're grown up
With the world blown up
Thank you Georgy Boy!

Hey there, Georgy Boy

Nice work, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

Wake up, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

Bite me, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

Good job, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

Way to go, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

You stink, Georgy Boy
Hey there, Georgy Boy

Oh yeah, Georgy Boy

© 2004 Steve Goodie and James Ward Byrkit ASCAP



DON'T HEAR THE BEEPER
A parody of "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult

Mobile phones have come
Now everyone's got one
People going to the theater
Can't seem to find their phones when they ring
Don't you be like they are
Come on lady

Don't you hear the beeper
It's that thing in your hand
Don't you hear the beeper
I'll poke you right in the eye

Don't you hear the beeper
You don't give a damn

Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah

The apocalypse will come
If you miss a call from anyone
Text message and internet
And a camera and a little earpiece
Text message and internet
Forty thousand f---ing times a day
Text message and internet
I hear Beethoven start to play
Text message and internet
No one wants to hear what you have to say
Gotta find my handgun
Come on lady

Don't you hear the beeper
You've got the anytime plan
Don't you hear the beeper
Roaming nationwide
Don't you hear the beeper
Better call an ambulance

Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah

Hello...? Oh, hi honey...
Lady... look, lady, I don't want to have to hurt you...
But I will... sorry. Lady, I need less talking, and
more cowbell... Do you see this watch? My grandfather
carried it around in his ass for eight years, and you
are going to have to put that phone in yours for eight
hundred if you don't turn it off now. Put it away, now.
We can do this the easy way or hard, makes no difference
to me. I'll tear your head off your body right now, and
watch the movie with my granddaughter, and have popcorn
and JuJuBees, and not give you a second thought. Turn
off that phone, you rude bitch. You, with your beeping,
can't happen... now... no... won't let it. Let me do a
tap-dance on your caps...


Cingular, Sprint, and Verizon
They can really help you piss off everyone
It looks like someone called the manager
Excuse me, ma'am
And he's here, and he's taking your phone
We've received several complaints
He yanked that thing right outcher ear
I'll have to take this
He took your phone and then disappeared
You'll get it back at the end of the movie
And the people stood and began to cheer
Don't be a baby
Come on lady

We don't want to hear
Your stupid conversation
And she started to cry
She ran for the exit
She had to talk to her mommy
And now it's quiet again
She had to call the babysitter
Come on lady
Don't you hear the beeper

Lady, these people have put their money down
to see Walken talkin', and you... you... no... To beep,
or not to beep, that is the question. The answer's a
resounding no, no beeping, you bitch. Stella. Stella.
Turn off your damn beeper now, Stella...


© 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



SOAP GETS IN YOUR EYES
A parody of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by The Platters

I like baby shampoo
So what was I to do, oh
My bottle had run dry
My stylist said that I
Should give Sassoon a try
Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, ah

It said, "Lather, rinse, repeat"
But were those words complete, oh no
I didn't realize
I'd be paralyzed
When soap got in my eyes

So I rubbed them and was heard to shout
This garbage will not come out
I knelt and prayed
Please save my retinae
And that's when I blacked out
I blacked out

Next thing that I recall
I was curled up in a ball, oh
The paramedics arrived
I was hospitalized
When soap got in my eyes

Soap gets in your eyes
Soap gets in your eyes
Soap got in my eyes

© 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BIG S.U.V.
A parody of "Mercedes Benz" by Janis Joplin

All right, uh, coming up next on the big open mic,
we've got a newcomer, uh, everybody welcome, George W!

All right, here's one I wrote just yesterday,
thought I'd try it out on you, see what you think...
All right...


Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV
My friends drive Toyotas, but that won't do for me
For a great big old truck, I'll give up MPGs
So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV

Oh Lord, please provide me some cheap gasoline
This thing drinks more fuel than my dang limousine
Hey let's start a war, send in the Marines
Oh Lord, won't you give me some free gasoline

Oh Lord, won't you give me a place to attack
The guys who send gas bills won't get off my back
I can't find bin Laden, he's not on my map
So Lord, I've decided to take out Iraq

Oh Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this
They'll do what they're told if they fear terrorists
Hey, I'll tell them dissenters are all communists
So Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this

C'mon, everybody!

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV
An armored one, if possible, is just what I need
Cause the people throw rocks when I drive down the street
So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV

That's it! Don't forget to vote!

© 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP



CHANNEL E
A parody of "Act Naturally" by The Beatles

They're gonna put me on the TV
They're gonna make a series out of me
A big big show, about a big nose wearing headphones
Only trouble is it's on Channel E

Well I'll get me a whole bunch of porn stars
I might win an Emmy, you can never tell
I'll be the talent, and the produc-ar
Cause I can fake a fart so well

Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV
Then I know that you will almost see
The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time
Unless I get cancelled by the FCC

We'll make some jokes about a murderer named OJ
We'll mention that I'm now a divorcee
Bring Bababouie, but we won't let him talk much
Only trouble is it's on Channel E

Well Jackie, he wanted a discharge
And I'm told that his career has gone to hell
My movie should have made me a big star
Cause I can play myself so well

Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV
And watch my other show spoofing Pamela Lee
The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time
Only trouble is it's on WB

© 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP



SOMEBODY FARTED
A parody of "Get This Party Started" by Pink

Hey! Do you smell something?
Oh man, what is that?
Who let go?
Hey fellas, that wasn't me.


I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
Whoa
I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted

Somebody just farted on a Saturday night
Everybody's praying for the stench to subside
Ewww
Sending out the methane to me and my friends
Someone's getting gassy from his nasty rear end
It was Saddam!
He got lots of ammo from the bear and the beans
No -- Al Quaeda!
He can blow for miles if you know what I mean

I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
I'm throwing up, I'm heaving
I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
It was John Kerry!

Pumping trouser trumpet, breaking wind to the beat
Oozing out his backside and he's right next to me
Swift boat!
BVDs are leaking as he's squeezing his blast
Uh, flip-flop!
I think there's buring rubber shooting out of his ass
When you hear the thunder and you catch that smell
License plate says "yo quiero Taco Bell"

I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
It was the democrats! It was the democrats!
I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
Yeah somebody farted
Hey, it wasn't me, I swear!

Making flatulation and he's clearing the room
Why would I lie?
Everybody's choking as he blames it on you
It was the evil-doers!
Pumping up the volume gastronomically
Everybody's running from GWB
Hey, where you going?
He's your odor-maker, he could blow anytime
Cause blowing lots of gas is the party line
I don't get it!

I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
It's coming up, it's coming!
I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted
Yeah somebody farted
Somebody farted
Yeah, smoke 'em out!
Yeah somebody farted
Hey. weapons of mass destruction over here!
Oh, you STINK George W!!
I love you Howard! I love you Howard!
Ohhhh!

© 2004 Steve Goodie and Jeff Kobal ASCAP



THE BALLAD OF
WANDA AND DINO

An assignment from the Blue Microphone company (see below)

Wanda and Dino, shacked up in Reno
Blew all their cash on a bottle of vino
Their Pinto'd got repo'd, that sucker's long gone
This here's the story of Dino and Wanda
Fresno, that is... swimmin' holes and double-wides

Wanda grabbed a spatula and greased up a pan
Started flippin' flapjacks for her good-for-nothing man
He was layin' in bed till way past noon, though his chores needed doin'
So he didn't even notice all the crazy crap she threw in

"What crap did she throw in?" I hear you say
Well, some pizza crust from last Thursday
An artichoke, so succulent
And a big blue toadstool, in it all went

A beatnik's bagpipe, chopped and grated
Chewy, polyunsaturated
A rancid porkchop, three hairs, blonde
A blob of mustard and her favorite thong

A muffler from a monster truck
A 45 of Disco Duck
Bunkbed, doorknob, catcher's mitt
Hell, whatever was there, she was cookin' it

She was cookin' up a storm, that girl
To be sure her man would hurl
Dino dug in, and though his teeth were gold-plated
He took two weeks to masticate it

Wanda had Dino hospitalized in Reno
And it's soon to be a film by Quentin Tarantino

© 2004 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP


An explanation:
In 2003, the Blue Microphone company offered a contest. Anyone who cared to was challenged to write a 3-minte (or less) song containing the following 25 words. The winner got a fabulous new microphone. This song did not win. Which proves, once again, that there is no God.

Blue
Wanda
Dino
Fresno
Spatula
Flapjack
Crust
Artichoke
Pork
Succulent
Toadstool
Beatnik
Bagpipe
Chewy
Blonde
Zoot
Pinto
Blob
Thong
Disco
Bunk
Knob
Hurl
Masticate
Polyunsaturated

CD #12
Pottered Meat, 2004


HARRY'S WAND
A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne

Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic!
Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again!


Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong

Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule)
He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo)
And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip)
He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse)

You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be
Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long
His muggle family don't approve of sorcery
He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone

Harry's gone, he used his magic wand
Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond
Dudley's mom don't know what's going on
This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon

Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back)
He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac)
Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?)
And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?)

I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked
If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat

The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban
All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long
Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy
Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm

Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life!
Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor!
Malfoy, you're such a piece of -
Ron!
And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic!
Draco, you son of a -
Ow!
Yeah, Hermione... nice one!


Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on)
But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong)
Hey Hermione we gotta change reality
You've done it all year long, now help old Harry

Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed)
Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it)
Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy
You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP



SHUT UP
A parody of "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul

Tryin' not to scream, I don't know why I watch this show
(Uh let me say) If you are going to sing (on American Idol)
Then baby I'll mute you with my remote (remote control)

I've heard you sing before, I'd rather get my head caught in a slammin' door
How about you listen to Simon, please

Shut up, now tell me, do you really have to go on forever (no no no)
I think I'm gonna go load my gun
Shut up, believe me you should go and pick a new, kind of endeavor
(oh oh oh)
Oh are you tone-deaf and dumb?

Time's standing still
Waiting for you (waiting for you) to be through (a-let me tell you now)
You are so shrill
That even my earmuffs (big fuzzy earmuffs) can't stop you

I've heard you sing before
They used you on Iraqi prisoners of war
How about you stick to Karaokeeeee

Shut up, now listen
You have got no voice whatsoever (no no no)
You're a ten on a scale of three million
Shut up, I know your friends tell you you're good
Well, whatever (oh oh oh)
I don't think you're gonna go platinum

You sing so awfully, I can hardly see
Your score's too low to mention
(a-negative, negative)
If somehow they let you win
I'll overdose on aspirin (no, heroin)
A-b-b-bye bye b-b-b-b-bye bye

Why do you do that, on national television
Lady, c'mon now
You're singing so flat, everybody knows that
But you, I gotta tell you baby

I've heard you sing before
I'd rather get my face caught in a slammin' door
Are you trying to torture me
Or am I in some kind of purgatory
This is not American Bandstand
Your lack of talent is out of hand
How about some vocal lessons, please!
(please please please please)

Shut up, now tell me
Is this really how you, wanna be remembered (no no no)
Even Shatner's sitting there stunned
(phasers on stun)
Shut up, now go and lock yourself down there
In the cellar (no no no)
And won't you please have that William Hung
Come on (string him up now!)

Shut up, now tell me
Why you wanna go and howl, like Ol' Yeller?
Stick a fork in you you're done
(all done)
Shut up, yeah I know
I don't really sing, any better
(no better than you)
I'm so glad this song is done

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Paula Abdul ASCAP



SHATNER
A parody of "Shattered" by The Rolling Stones

Remind me to explain to you the concept of the human ego.
Kirk here.
Shatner
Do you have any idea the ribbing I've had to endure?
Shatner

Andy, Opie, and Martin Sheen are
still surviving on the screen
and look at me
I'm in tatters, but I'm Shatner
That's right, Bill Shatner

My acting is alarming, my agent took up farming
My life is just a flock of Trekkies on the street
Conventions, people dressed in Klingon drag
Ga-roupies, Shatner
Collecting autographs, I wanna slash 'em, I'm Shatner
Ga-roupies, Shatner

Phasers and transporter beams, and me and me and me and me
Look at me, I'm Shatner! Hey!
Shatner

I'm just getting fatter, bitter, sadder, critics flatter
That Patrick Patrick Patrick Stewart
and I can't give it away on Pay-per-view
Big loser, Shatner
I'm going down the ladder, uh huhh, but I'm Shatner
Big loser, Shatner

Kirk needs work and love and sex
He needs a girl with big green breasts
green breasts green breasts green breasts
Don't it matter, hey, that I'm Shatner?
Don't it matter

Intruder alert!
James Kirk.
I like that name.
Good. I like yours too. I like you. I wouldn't lie to you.
Ah, Mr. Scott, you old space dog.
I'd still like a Vulcan.
Nurse me.
Jim, what the hell kind of strategy is this?
Dammit Bones, I need you badly!
Thrusters ahead.
Engineer, we need warp speed now.
Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young.
Only use it for medicinal purposes.
You must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing.
Do it!
Kahn!!!


Ahhh, look at me, I'm Shatner, I'm a...
Shatner

Priceline bought me some success, bite me Nimoy I'm the best
I'm their boy, the end, the means, still surviving on, repeats
Shatner
And look at me! I'm Shatner! Yeah...
Shatner
Feed me batter, what does it matter
Shatner
Combo platter
Shatner
Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner

Don't you know my hairline's going up up up up up
Sh-moozing, Shatner
I work in this town though I'm a
shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck
Sh-moozing, Shatner
Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner
I got a flat on the westside, a condo uptown
Sh-moozing, Shatner
What a mensch, a Tribble-trapper, I'm Shatner
Sh-moozing, Shatner
Almost won an Oscar, for bad toupee and bad actin'
Sh-moozing, Shatner
Big loser, Shatner

Canadian... Jew...
Big loser, Shatner
Eh? Oy... Eh? Oy...
Big loser, Shatner

Kirk out... Kirk out... (No, no...) Kirk out... Sorry Gene... Kirk out...

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, Dave Smith, Mick Jagger,
and Keith Richard ASCAP



STAND BY YOUR VAN
A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette

Sometimes it's hard to park your Hummer
Cause your SUV is one big van
It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass
Dang that thing's gargantuan

Other drivers must forgive you
Even when their tiny cars get rammed
You push and shove them, so far above them
Because after all, you know you can

So stand by your van
We know how much you need it
We'll bomb Iraq to feed it
Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely

Stand by your van
And show the world you earned it
We'll go invade Afghanistan
So you can stand by your van

Stand by your van
4-wheel drive's so necessary
The terrain is awful scary
On the streets of Pasadena

Stand by your van
Because you sure deserve it
You're one fat-assed American
So stand by your van

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Sylvia Mulholland, and Tammy Wynette ASCAP



I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA
Shrek 2 Version

A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin,
and I will never go broke, a ha ha!


I was a pop sensation
I sang this song back in '99
But then Shrek 2 swept the nation
And I got left behind

Girls used to scream my name out
Ricky please autograph my page
But now a donkey's got my gig
And a cat's got me upstaged
Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous!

I'm on my way out
I live in a a green Toyota
I can't go further down
All because of that stinky ogre
With cash flow in the red
I didn't save one iota
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn?
You don't talk to me like that!
Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car!
I am a big big star, and you you you shut up!
Shut up! No you shut up!
No you shut up!


Woke up in New York City
With my back against a wall
Where's my house, where's my money
That green ogre got it all

Way back in the nineties
I was at the height of fame
But someone ruined my career
And now I'm naming names
Bandaras is to blame
Come on!

I'm on my way out

I can't afford diet soda
I can't go further down
I'm moving to South Dakota
With cash flow in the red
As that ogre gets in-vogue-er
The money has run out
I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hello, Mama? I need some money, please!
I have no place to go and nothing to eat...
Por favor Mama...!


Girls used to beg to date me
And they'd hang around backstage
But now they see me on the street
And stare like I'm in a cage
Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on)

I'm on my way out
I 'm beginning to look like Yoda
I can't go further down
I'm a Latin Quasimoda
With cash flow in the red
I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

You're my manager, get me a job!
Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do?
I can sing...
No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do?
Can you type?
No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit...
All right, that's it - get out of my office!
I would look so good with little furry ears!
No, get out!
Here kitty kitty kitty...

Corolla
Whoa, green Toyota
A rusted-out '82 green Toyota
Yeah you heard that right, it's my house


© 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child



BUTT CRACK
A parody of "Love Shack" by The B-52s

If you have a clogged sink, or a backed up commode
Then you need to call a plumber, with butt crack!
Butt crack yeah yeah
Yeah, butt crack.

I'm flushin' down a gigantic Subway
(Southwest cheese steak!)
But it's lookin' like it won't go away
It's coming back up, no go away
(no go away, please go away, no go away)

I got me a tool box, and a big plastic pail
And when I bend over you get butt crack
I got me a plunger and I'll fix you up, honey
So call me up, and pay me union money

That butt crack is a vertical face that
You can't forget, no never
Butt crack baby, yeah, butt crack bay-bee

Butt crack, baby butt crack
Butt baby, that`s where it`s at
Butt crack, baby butt crack
Butt baby, that`s my two-pack

Plungin' and a-splishin', splashin' and a-plungin'
Wearin' big old jeans that are coverin' nothin'
His whole back shimmies! Yeah, that old crack shimmies!
Yeah, his whole back shimmies and his big old booty's moving
around and around and around and around

Everyone is swoonin', hey that plumber's moonin' baby
Folks passing out cause he's got his pants down
My neighbor's prosecutin', for gluteous pollutin' baby
Funky little crack, that's my trouser trench

Yeah, let's see, that's a snake out to the street,
city sewage insurance, snake feeding fee,
new sink trap, bondo, ace bandage...
that's gonna come to $876.22...
is that gonna be cash or...?


Check out his cleavage, check out his tail
Like a hairy old whale
I'll hop in my van, and clean out your plumbing
You stare at my twins, Cheeky and Sponge-y

That butt crack is a vertical face
That you can't forget, no never
Butt crack baby, a-butt crack bay-bee

Butt crack, baby butt crack
Yeah butt, that`s where it`s at
Butt crack, baby butt crack
Hey, do these pants make me look fat?

Listen lady... just for your future reference...
you're not supposed to flush these,
um, feminine products, see?
Now I gotta crawl down under here,
and dig out all these... oh, man...
what a mess... oh yeah...


Dang dang dang, where's your belt baby...
Look a little harder baby.
Dang dang dang, where's your suspenders baby...
I can't hear you.
Dang dang dang, where's your pride baby...
Hey, I can't help you, okay!

Dang dang dang, no, no more, baby
(Look a little harder!)
Dang dang dang, don't show no more baby

Dang dang! Hey, do I make you horny?
Dang dang! He'll show you more!
Dang dang! Continental divide, baby!
Dang dang! That's my butt.

Oh God! I'm gonna be sick... excuse me...

Butt crack, baby butt crack
Butt crack, baby butt crack
Butt baby, like a big hairy yak
Butt crack, baby butt crack
Butt baby, this plumber got back
Butt crack, baby butt crack
Plumbing is so bitching when you
get to show your nasty little butt crack


You know, tipping is encouraged, okay?

© 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Sukey Smith,
Sylvia Mulholland, and The B-52s ASCAP



DUCT TAPE

Hello there, ladies... and welcome aisle 13
of your friendly local hardware store
You'll find we have everything a modern woman
needs to ease her troubled mind


So your man has come unglued
And you don't know what to do
You thought you'd be with him forever
You thought love alone could keep you together

Duct tape, he'll never leave your side
Duct tape, if properly applied
Duct tape, gonna keep you satisfied
Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky, yeah

(He'll have) No more late nights with the boys
(No more) Chasing skirts and other hobbies he enjoys
If he's not particularly sub-meesive
Perhaps you need to try a new adhesive

Duct tape, makes a happy bride
Duct tape, true love won't be denied
Duct tape, put the counseling aside
Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky yeah

It can be black, it can be blue
It can be red... oooh...

Perhaps we've oversimplified
Relationships are more complex than we've implied
It takes understanding and compassion
But nothing spices up a good tongue lashin' like

Duct tape, when you don't see eye to eye
Duct tape, he'll become a nicer guy (much nicer)
Duct tape, when you take it off he'll cry (sfx, scream)
Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky ow!

For all your adhesive and marital needs,
nothing solves everything like world-famous Duct Tape!
Use it for marriage counseling, celibacy,
planned parenthood, tacking limbs back on...
It's the clumsy moyel's best friend,
it's the poor man's chastity belt!
Duct tape... ask for it by name!


© 2003 Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



LIVE PARODY MEDLEY
A live medley of parodies of "Tempted" by Squeeze,
"The Waiting" by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers,
and "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now
Go and get something I ain't never seen
And on the discount rack I see Deliverance
I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene
Where they meet the hillbillies
And they're big and they're mean
Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees
It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Beatty

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
If you got a purty mouth, you can be a big star
I guess he didn't read, the script too far
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste
Wiped a tear from my face
Cause my boss told me yesterday
That I have been replaced
So I said to my old landlord
"I can't pay for this place"
Said goodbye to the neighbors
Tore up all the bills
Walked down to the station
The bus rolls on until
I'm back again, back with my parents
Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled

So I'm renting out a room from my mother
My parents shake their heads at each other
First the market fell, now I'm back in hell
There's no other
Renting out a room from his mother
And hoping all my friends don't discover

Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him

'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

© 2003 Steve Goodie, Ty Hager, Squeeze,
Tom Petty, and Pete Townshend ASCAP



BEDWETTER
A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt

Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley!
Oh great! I hope she's having a good time.

Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom...
this place is full of rats, and there was a
tornado last night... please come get me! I'll
clean my room every day, and walk the dog...


They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun
I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one

So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter
That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder

Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone
It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home

Get on the bus, bus comes to camp
Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp
Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows
I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me
with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out
of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!!
Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please
come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do
the dishes and vacuum the entire house and
practice the piano...


Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks
Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks

Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long
I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter
Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat

© 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP



NURSERY RHYME MOYEL
A parody of "Nursery Rhyme Lawyer" by Throwing Toasters

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't get him a bris, but I could

Jack and Jill (Jill Rosenberg that is) went up the hill
To fetch themselves a pail of water
When they came down Jill's father was upset
Didn't like no gentile hanging round with his daughter

If you are a nursery rhyme
And you'd like to try being a Jew one time
Maybe change your name to Chaim
I can give you peace of mind
Cause my service is one of a kind
I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Reading Talmud all Saturday
'Long came a spider and interrupted her studies
But my scalpel scared that black widower away

Blackbirds baked in your pie
They're gonna be gefilte-fied
Your cow jumping into the sky
When she's kosher she won't fly
Give my services a try
Never say "what a good goy am I"

Hey, I admit it, I celebrated Christmas for a long
time... you know, 'cause I like Knick Knacks and Paddy
Wacks... and it used to really upset me when every
Hanukkah season I had to endure the taunts from my
Jewish friends... You know, "Ha ha, some fat guy's gonna
come down your chimney and eat all your cookies!" So I
called the Nursery Rhyme Moyel, and in no time at all I
was lighting candles and spinning the dreidel. Thanks,
Nursery Rhyme Moyel!


When your cupboard is bare
I'll put some chicken soup there
Dish ran away with your spoon
You'll get matza balls soon
If you've lost your sheep
I won't cut too deep
Someone's stealing your tarts
I'll stab 'em right where it smarts
If your bridge is falling down
I'll make you smooth and round
When the bough breaks
I won't have the shakes
You know who I am
I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel

I was really really concerned that the sky was falling,
and my priest couldn't help me at all. He just laughed
at me, if you can believe that! So I called the Nursery
Rhyme Moyel, and within two hours I was confident that
even if the sky did fall, I'm chosen, and I have nothing
to worry about. Thanks for the chutzpah, Nursery
Rhyme Moyel!

I fell off a wall, and the Nursery Rhyme Moyel sent me
to Hebrew summer camp and got me planting trees, and
reading Torah with ease. I'm in the jewelry business
now, and I don't fall off nothing. Thanks, Nursery
Rhyme Moyel!


© 2003 Steve Goodie and Grant Baccioco ASCAP



J-LO AND BEN

Who has J-Lo dated
With whom has J-Lo made it
Most of Hollywood to be sure
So naturally this begs the question
Who is the dupe du jour

And now, coming down ze red carpet, we see ze fabulous Jennifer Lopez
wearing a luscious Vera Wang... mmm mm mmm...

That's right Pierre... and she's with her new boyfriend... now which one is this?
I always get them mixed up, there are so many ...

Now who could it be?


Diddy did her, Damon didn't
Some dancer married her for almost a minute
One by one each prince turned to a toad
And Cupid barely had time to reload

Now it's J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end
They just stop now and then and start over again
He's a star, he's a hunk
She's got junk in the trunk
She's one ambivalent Puerto Rican, oh
Beside every groom, there's always room for J-Lo
J-j-j-j-j-J-Lo

He has a Porsche (what a car), he has an Oscar (he's a star)
He had Gwyneth but gosh, somehow he lost her
Then along came Jenny, playing eeny meeny miney
She ain't got no teeny weeny hiney

No, J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end
They blow up in the press and start over again
Not since Tootie has there been an diva so rare
Or such booty on air, so much talent to spare
How do I buy a share, of that swell derriere...
Sometimes she can carry a tune
He looks good in his fruit of the looms (I'll say!)
So when the heartbeat goes boom, Benny makes room for J-Lo
(Better make room... better make lotsa room...
Yeah, better add onto the house... that's what I'M talkin about)


J-Lo, sweet idiot, on Oscar's big academy show
J-Lo, illiterate, overrated Hollywood ho

© 2003 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP

CD #11
Measuring Up, 2004

COWBOY BY DAY,
BALLERINA BY NIGHT


Some folks might describe me as a quintessential man
Branding cattle, mending fences, drinking coffee from a can
But you know they're only half right, there's more to me than that.
And when that spotlight hits the stage, I wear a different hat.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
Graceful as a dying swan
Dressed in leather and chiffon
I ride the range all day
Then at night I leap and I twirl
A man's got to feel like a man except
When a man's got to feel like a girl.

I learned a painful lesson, I now know what occurs
When I put my feet in third position while I'm wearing spurs
Other cowboys mock me, I guess they find it hard
To ride the trail beside when I wear my leotard.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
You'll find me at the rodeos
Wearing my Capezios
Some folks think I'm schizophrenic
and they may be right
Cowboy by day, ballerina by night.

Sometimes I feel like John Wayne
Sometimes I feel more like Margot Fontayn

When I'm not at the saloon, I'm stretching at the barre
Hell, I am the most limber cowpoke that you've ever seen... by far.
But I've got a problem, 'cause someday I'll have to choose
Whether to die with my boots on or in my silk toe shoes.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
When the working day is through
I commence to pas de deaux
I ride the range all day
Then at night I leap and I twirl
A man's got to feel like a man except
When a man's got to feel like a girl.

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



LIE LIE LIE - political version

I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend
I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend
I thought that being honest was a noble policy
Since then I've found a much more electable strategy....

Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice
Lie til you're red in the face
Don't ask why, you don't have any choice
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet

You say that you'll cut taxes boy, they say, "we'll vote for you!"
You say you won't cut spending and they say, "have a term or two!"
You tell them family values cannot be overstated
And hope they never find your special friend who is inflated

Lie lie lie, when you've become the president
Lie regarding where the weapons of mass destruction went
Lie to the troops when you won't bring them home
And when you lie look them straight in the eye
And say, "hey, I swear you won't die"

Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
No you couldn't find bin Laden,
So you said you wanted Saddam, lie lie lie
Lie lie lie, your foreign policy is stunning,
And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie

Lie lie lie, the war on terror's winnable,
The truth is always spinnable, lie lie
Lie lie lie, you can get by on your talents,
Fox news is fair and balanced, lie lie
Lie lie lie, your rhetoric's believable,
And my virginity's retrievable, lie lie

Lie lie lie to your family and friends
Lie lie lie to your constituents
Lie to get by, like a good republican
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet
No one's discovered them yet

© 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Andy Corwin ASCAP



ACTUAL SIZE

I never claimed to be well endowed
There's nothing that makes me stand out from the crowd
It ain't my intention to tell you some lies
Or to misrepresent my actual size
Actual size, Actual size
I try to be honest when I advertise
Because I don't want it to be a surprise
If'n you feast your eyes on my actual size

There was this girl that I dated last fall
She told me that size didn't matter at all
But when I applauded her for what she said
She added, "except, of course, when you're in bed"

Actual size, Actual size
Hey, lets hear it for average guys
I didn't come here to proselytize
Just to speak out in favor of actual size
Well, yeah, I'll admit the temptation is there
To exaggerate what's in your underwear
But if you think you need to conceal all your flaws
Then you're just like them women that wear padded bras

Actual size, Actual size
There ain't no reason to wear a disguise
Be proud of your (you know) and don't stigmatize
Yourself for being actual size

Actual size, Actual size
Beauty resides in the beholder's eyes
Let all of them other dumb jocks fantasize
Stand erect and be proud of your actual size

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

When your heart is heavy
When the night has been too long
When every road you choose
Muddies up your shoes
And leads you wrong

When you're cold and lonely
When your rope is at its end
When darkness clouds the skies
And tears fill your eyes
When you just need a friend

Don't look at me
Wipe your own damn nose
And if I've kept you down or made you cry
Or trampled all your hopes and dreams
Well, that's the way it goes

In heaven there's no hate or war
In heaven no one's hungry or poor
In heaven they hold hands evermore
But we're on earth
And here on earth
It's everyman for himself

When you're a Black, Chicano, Native-American, Jewish lesbian folk singer
And this morning when you woke up you hit your head on the steering wheel
You're shoulder deep in s---
And you just wanna quit
I know how you can get a handgun without the usual background check

Get off my lawn
Pay your rent on time

And if I hire illegals to build a wall around my property
It's just 'cause I'm
Tough on crime

In heaven there's no fear or need
In heaven no one's rabid with greed
In heaven you get laid guaranteed
But we're on earth
And here on earth
It's everyman for himself

© 1995 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI



AN AGNOSTIC GOSPEL SONG

There is a train, train, train
that is bound for glory
But you won't find me on board...
If-you're-wonderin'-why, (why oh why)
come and listen to the story
Of why I'm not on a first name basis with the Lord

When I was a little child (just a little bitty tyke)
I used to read the gospel
and I prayed at night in my room
But then I went to college (U.C.L.A.)
and the required reading
included Schopenhauer, Kant and David Hume

In a very short time (in the relative sense)
I had to declare my major
And I chose philosophy
'Cause I began to think (therefore I am)
that I could totally ace the midterm
Because I could already spell epistemology

By my Sophomore year (still living in the dorm)
I started to doubt and ponder
The-very-existence of "you know who"
I had become (a godless heathen)
Actually I prefer the term "agnostic"
Profound as Bertrand Russell, existential as Camus

Hey gimme that ol' Skepticism
Gimme that Logical Positivism
Dialectical Materialism's good enough for me

Oh, have you warshed in Einstein's theory that
Space/Time is curvulinear, not flat
Or speculate each moment of your life
Is as random as Schrödinger's cat

So today I stand here as a non-believer
But I'm tempted to change my ways
Cause recently while I was thinking deeply
I realized agnostics don't have any holidays

There is a train, train, train
that is bound for glory
But you won't find me on board...
If-you're-wonderin'-why (why oh why)
come and listen to the story
Of why I'm not on a first name basis with the Lord

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



EXTRA

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I did not get a speaking role
I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours
I'm an extra, cause they say I am
I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut

I slept with the director, I slept with the A.D.
I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady
Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I worked nine twelve-hour days
I got four seconds of screen-time
In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad
I'm the one with my back to the camera
With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear

I am an extra in the movie of my life
And I am not union
I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



SEX AND DRUGS AND BILL MONROE

When I was just a young'un sitting on my Momma's knee
I told her that when I grew up a bluegrass picker I would be
To this day I still recall the words of my dear mother
She said, "Son, you can't do both. You've got to pick one or the other".

So give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
Bluegrass music gets me high like nothing else I know
I don't play Nashville country. I don't play no Rock & Roll.
I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

Some folks think that bluegrass is predictable and dull
They'd rather hear Metallic or classic Jethro Tull
But if you come to my house, let there be no mistake
We'll party like crazed weasels when the banjo take a break

So give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
I have never been one to embrace the status quo
I don't play rap or techno. R&B or soul
'Cause I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

I go to every festival. I travel near and far
In my trusty Winnebago with my D-18 guitar
I lie around all day just drinkin' brewskis from a trough
Then I stay up all night jammin' and piss everybody off

Just give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
Take your clothes off, smoke a bowl, and rosin up that bow
I don't mean to be facetious, supercilious or droll
But I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole
I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



SHE'S JEWISH

Mama said, "Get it through your head
You're a Jewish boy, and you'll marry a Jewish girl"
I said, "Those Jewish girls won't give me the time of day
Though they're pretty and they're sweet, they won't be seen with me"
Mama said, "You'll see, a Jew will come your way"
And one did, one day
Though she's not what I expected

She drinks she smokes, she scares old folks
She only laughs at her own jokes
She's terribly uncouth, she looks just like Babe Ruth
She lies she spits, won't shave her pits
She's got spackle in her make-up kit
But I can't let her go, cause Mama says so

Son, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And the wedding day's approachin'
She's Jewish, she's Jewish
And you'll love her cause she's chosen
Oh my fate is sealed
Mama says it's a done deal
So you can keep your Ally McBeals
I'll take the schnauser in high heels
Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish

She's really mean, she's rarely clean
She beats me like a tambourine
Oy, the grief I'm takin', to keep Mama's heart from breakin'
She loves corned beef, look, it's in her teeth
She's plenty ample underneath
And though she treats me badly, I'll take a lifetime of her, gladly

Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And that's what Mama wanted
Yeah, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
She don't got it, but she'll flaunt it
Mama says she's a steal
She likes kishka in her oatmeal
She's got kosher appeal
She's pure matza meal
She's built like Shaqille
And I'm her shlemeil
When she sings Hava Nagila
I could sure use some tequila

Nagila!

Now she's mishpuchah
Pain in the tuchas
I'm black and blueish, because she's shrewish
Not to mention moo-ish, now don't you boo-ish
We're almost through-ish
Oh she's Jewish
She's Jewish...

Mazel tov!

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



TRAVELIN' HARD

He's been travelin' hard
Yeah, he's been travelin' hard
I'm a travelin' man, I travel for my pay
Not counting my per diem I make seven hundred dollars a day
When I travel by air I always fly first class
And when I go by car I get reimbursed for gas
He's been travelin' hard
Yes, He's been travelin' hard

By trade I am a businessman I wheel and deal all day
I try to get the upper hand that's how I earn my pay
I'm always very careful to not make a mistake
There' no such thing as a conference call I'm too busy to take.
He's teleconferencing hard
Yeah, he's teleconferencing hard

I landed at O'Hare. I couldn't find a cab
So, I called a limousine. It was a ninety-five dollar tab
When I arrived at Palmer House I checked into my suite
Then met up with my clients and took them out to eat
Charging any amount
to his expense account

I live in New York City ten months of the year
but for the other two months I'm anywhere but here
I may be down in Mexico or in the South of France
Anywhere that I can pick up women drink and dance
He's vacationing hard
Yeah, he's vacationing hard

From here to there and back again
Across this mighty land
He's always dressed impeccably
He's always fit and tanned
He has a sound portfolio
His income is first-rate
He plans to take retirement when he turns 28
If you think you see me as I travel place to place
Don't try to recognize me by the features of my face
You'll know be by the logo and by the designer name
on the most expensive luggage circling round the baggage claim
He's been travelin' hard
Yeah, he's been travelin' hard

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



PAIN

The slamming door broke his nose
As his tears fell her laughter rose
But she's not completely heartless
She slid some tissue through the mail slot

She said, "If you ever come round here again
I'll have you hurt, I have some friends
Who will happily break every limb that you got"
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

She yelled out the window, as he got to the street
"Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly"
And she tossed it to him
But eleven floors can rearrange
And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain
Which he took on the chin
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain
Lost love hurts, but blood stains
He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders how long the swelling will remain

He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again

The papers arrived today
She's charging him with pain and suffering
He's starting to think she don't love him anymore

© 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP



AIN'T NO LIBERAL

I saw a blinding flash of light
So I pulled over to the first church on the right

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

I saw a bum on the curb today
Well, I hit the gas and covered him with gutter spray

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

My heart is jumpin' and my head is swimmin'
I feel like I could take the vote away from women

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

On that joyful day, yes on that glorious day
The day I threw my Birkenstocks away
The angel told me, "Oh, ye man of sin,
Open up your bleeding heart and let Donny Rumsfeld in

I saw a starving third world nation
So I exploited its underprivileged population

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

Oh, on that joyful day, yes on that glorious day
The day I burned up all my macrame
The angel told me what is good for GM
Is good for me, and me, and her
And the hell with the rest of them

I used to be so paranoid
But now I'm — what?!

I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal
And I once was a peacenik
But I bought stock in Lockheed
And I once was a union man
But I got me this nice office
And I once was a feminist
But I just don't understand women
And I once supported rent control
But I inherited some property
And I once was anti-censorship
But I don't have time for fiction
And I once hated racism
But I figure, why fight it?

And I once had compassion
But I ain't no liberal no more

© 1993 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI



SONG ABOUT NOTHING

This is a song about nothing
It's just something I wrote
On the back of an envelope
that came in the mail with my auto insurance quote

It doesn't have any message .......Oh, oh, oh
It doesn't mean a damn thing .......Not one thing
In fact it doesn't amount to much more
than a feeble excuse to sing .......Feeble excuse

I don't know why I wrote it .......Whoa, whoa, whoa
Why I invested the time .......So much time
Coming up with this melody, or
juggling the lyrics to make every other line rhyme
It not particularly poignant .......Oh, no, no
Unique or memorable .......It's forgettable
In fact the very idea for this song
isn't even original .......It's not his idea

I put in this part just cause I wanted to play this chord
If for no other reason than to keep us all from getting bored .......
God, we're bored!

With this song about nothing .......Oh, oh, oh
It isn't even very funny .......Ha, ha, ha
But wouldn't it be ironic
if it became a big hit and we made buttloads of money .......
Out the butt!


With this song about nothing
I think we'll end it right here

© 2001 Andy Corwin BMI


CD #10
Extra!! Extra!! 2003

SUSPENDERS
A parody of "Surrender" by Cheap Trick

Mother told me, yes she'd scold me
Boy you're such a pest
You're in my way, go sit and stay
In front of that TV set
And there I found my hero, yeah
This old guy mouthing off
An annoying talk-show host
Dressed like a clown

Larry's all right, yeah he's all right
He just looks a little weird
Suspenders, suspenders
But don't give your belt away

On CNN yeah, late at night
He's speaking with the queen
And Larry's wearing the same blue shirt
And those tacky old Toughskins jeans
Now I had heard Armani suits
The old man can afford
But Larry won't wear one of those
He only shops at Sears

Larry's all right, yeah he's all right
Like an Amish without the beard
Suspenders, suspenders
But don't give your belt away

Whatever happens it's mating season
A new wife every year
Larry drives them all to drinking
Then they disappear
He's no Tom Brokaw
Larry's had a dozen wives by now
Older, younger, Larry's going for the
Guinness record, wow!

Larry's all right, he can do it all night
And that's how you build a career
Suspenders, suspenders
But don't give your belt away

© 2003 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Cheap Trick ASCAP



I WANT OSAMA
A parody of "I'm Sorry Mama" by Eminem

Let's go... it's time for your tour of Baghdad, Mr. President
Where's the chair?
Dammit W, what chair?
The electric chair! You telling me they got no electric chair in Iraq?
(sigh)
Oh, there it is... yeah!
No!
Yo!


Have you ever felt cheated, defeated, and competed against, I have
I almost didn't get elected, but now I'm president, yeah
First they love ya then they snub ya, then they all call you Dubya,
From Austin to Lubbuck, did you know I was a gov'na?

Yeah, then I come to Washington, and started loading the guns
Made this drama, said Osama bin Laden couldn't run, uh uh
But time flies by, and we can't fnd that guy, what the hell?
Guess I'll bombard the backyard of somebody else

I want Osama (yo yo yo)
I really want to hurt him (yeah hurt him!)
I really want to make him cry
But for now, Saddam'll be my target ( yeah, word)

I got some skeletons in my closet, and everybody knows it
Like my stupid drunken daughter, that b**** is gonna blow it, for me
I'd love to shove her and her mother back to '79, yo
Maybe I was wrong, baby, maybe abortion is fine, whoa!

Now my Daddy had Saddam on the run back in '91
Used the big guns, had some fun, but didn't get the job done, son
Look at me now, you're gonna go POW, Hussein, oh yeah
I couldn't get bin Laden, so you're taking the blame

I want Osama (yeah, word!)
I really want to hurt him (word to your evildoer!)
I really want to make him cry
But for now, Saddam'll be my target (yo yo yo yo!)

Listen I tried to send fighters to get Al Qaida, but those
Hiders saw outsiders and ran so man, I'm cannin' this plan to
Slam the Taliban in Afghanistan, Saddam, tracking back
To Iraq, takin' no slack, makin' you crack, or WHACK!

Yo! The UN can inspect and detect your weapons all day
But whatever they say, I'm gonna blow you away HEY!
I've locked up and shocked up lots of f****** like you
And I'll blast your dumb a**, if it's the last thing I do, yo!

I'll attack the Iraqi rich, I'll attack the Iraqi poor
Matter of fact, I'll attack Iraqi Radio Shack, you evil-doers!
Your spies just don't realize how you guys'll get trampled
If I don't need your oil, I'll blow you right off your camel!

I want Osama (Dammit, W!)
I really want to hurt him (yo yo yo yo yo!)
I really want to make him cry
But for now, Saddam'll be my target (Yeah, one more time!)

I want Osama (Dammit, you crazy f*****!)
I really want to hurt him (Yeah, just crazy enough to be president!)
I really want to make him cry (You heard me! I don't even need any votes!)
But for now, Saddam'll be my target (I GOT FLORIDA!!)

Hey, stupid redneck neighbor... you not president... you stupid redneck neighbor.
Oh yeah? Word to your immigration officer! Yeah!
President Dale!
Yeah! I'm king of Capital Hill!

(sigh)

© 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Eminem ASCAP



DUH EN RON RON RON
A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals

I went to work on Monday and my heart stood still
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron
How'm I gonna pay my freakin' Visa bill?
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron

Yeah, my heart stood still
Yeah, they took a spill
And then I lost my home
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron

They told us that our shares were gonna go sky-high
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron
Now they're shredding evidence, my oh my
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron

Yeah, I guess it went awry
Yeah, here comes the FBI, and I
Can't afford an ice cream cone
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron

Good evening. Today Californians were urged to
conserve electricity as the state faces an enormous energy
crisis. Criminal energy mismanagement is causing
widespread blackouts, and naturally the citizens are being
blamed. This report brought to you by Disney's Electrical Parade.


Way back in '97 when the scam begun
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron
They never thought they'd go to jail with Arthur Anderson
It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron

Yeah, they padded the books
Yeah, those dirty crooks
And now they're shooting themselves at home
Dead end ron ron ron, dead En ron ron

It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron
It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron
It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron
It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron

© 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and The Crystals ASCAP



I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA
A parody of "Living The Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin

Yeah, that's right, I'm a big star, I will never go broke...

I lived on top of a mountain
No way that I could fall
But I just saw my accountant
And he says I've spent it all

Ricky, you gotta save a little of your money,
you can't spend it all like this, oy... are you listening to me?


I was a pop sensation
Big hits and my name in lights
But when I kissed a boy in that gas station
I lost the movie rights

Girls would tear their clothes off
And they'd dance for me backstage
But now they pass me on the street
And they offer me some change
'Cause I suffer from the mange

I'm on my way out
I live in a a green Toyota
I can't go further down
I'm sleeping with Abe Vigoda
With cash flow in the red
I didn't save one iota
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hey, you wanna get this piece of crap off my lawn?
You don't talk to me like that!
Don't tell me how to talk, move your damn car!
I am a big big star, and you you you shut up!
Shut up! No you shut up!
No you shut up!


Woke up in New York City
Behind a cheap hotel
Where's my house, where's my money?
I had to strip to pay my agent's bill

I haven't seen clean water
Since last week on Saturday
And once you've had a whiff of me
You'll never be the same
And Menudo is to blame (come on)

I'm on my way out
I can't afford diet soda
I can't go further down
I'm moving to South Dakota
With cash flow in the red
I've been begging with Ray Liotta
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

Hello, Mama? I need some money, please!
I have no place to go and nothing to eat...
Por favor Mama...!


Girls used to rip my clothes off
And go down on me backstage
But now they see me on the street
And stare like I'm in a cage
Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on)

I'm on my way out
I'm beginning to look like Yoda
I can't go further down
I'm a Latin Quasimota
With cash flow in the red
My skin is almond roca
The money has run out
So I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota
Corolla!

I live in a green Toyota

You're my manager, get me a job!
Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do?
I can sing...
No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do?
Can you type?
No, I cannot type, but I could babysit your children...
All right, that's it - get out of my office!
Yes, the little boys are so cute!
No, get out!
Muchachos bonitas!

Whoa, green Toyota
A rusted-out '82 green Toyota
Yeah you heard that right, it's my house

It won't start...
It won't start!
Maybe it's the tranny... hmmm...
I'll change the wipers.


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and R. Rosa/D. Child ASCAP



CONSTIPATED
A parody of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne

[Grunt], sonofabitch, pass the prunes
Uh huh, uh huh, and the raisins too...


Come out, whatcha waiting for
My butt has never been so sore
I wish I hadn't gotten
Extra cheese, at Mickey D's
I am much more popular
When I'm feeling regular
There's four burgers in me
They're two for one, what have I done?

No one can help, I loosen my belt
Poppin' ex-lax, contract and relax
Tryin' to be cool, forcing the stool from me

Tell me...
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
I pee okay but
Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be ex-cra-ted
Just won't push through
When I eat and I eat all that meat
I retreat, take a seat, till my feet fall asleep
Honestly, I didn't mean to
Order all the extra bacon, no no no

And then there's this big ol' splash
I feel the water hit my ass
Thank God, get up from where I sat
I'm free, so proud of me
And now time to strike a match
But there's just one little catch
That bowl isn't draining
Come on, go down, I'm begging, praying

Stuff's coming up, over the top
It's all coming back, Big Mac attack
Standing in a pool, reeks like a mule, oh geez

Tell me...
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
Oh God!
I pee okay but
Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be irrigated
Just won't push through
When I flush and I plunge all that stuff
Just comes up, what the f*** am I turning into
Honestly, can't you see
The porcelain is nearly breakin'... no no no

Honey! Where's the mop? Oh God...

© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Avril Lavigne ASCAP



JEWISH CHRISTMAS
CAROL MEDLEY

A parody of several well-known Christmas carols

I have no gift for you, pa rum pa pum pum
I don't believe in you, pa rum pa pum pum

Don't rest ye merry Jewish men
You have to work today
You took a week for Hanukkah
So now you have to pay

Hark the herald angels sing
You ain't getting anything

O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum
It's just another night for you
O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum
No Santa Claus in sight for you
No stockings and no mistletoe
No cabbage patch, and no Elmo
O Rosenbaum, o chosen-baum
This season has to bite for you

Oy to the world, this season blows
I got, this shirt, that's it
My friends all got cool toys
Those crummy little goys
Got candy and lots of cash
While this shirt gave me a rash
Oh Santa can kiss my ass
My Jewish ass!

© 2002 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BOOBS (I DID 'EM AGAIN)
A parody of "Oops I Did It Again" by Britney Spears

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

I think I'll do them again
I'll augment my chest, for more attention
Oh boobies
They might seem plastic to touch
But I'm a pop queen, and they're not big enough
I could lose my advances
From the mean old record company

Oh boobies boobies

Boobs! Inflate 'em again
I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame
(with boobies boobies)
Boobs! My agent called me at home
He said more silicone
They're not quite big enough!

A no no no no no
A no no no no no


You see, my problem was this
My cup size was A
And 38-Ds were on my Christmas list
I tried shaking my butt
But the hooters looked small, when I dressed like a slut
When I flashed Nickelodeon
It made them so angry at me

Boobies! Oh...

Boobs! Inflate 'em again
I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame
(with boobies boobies)
Boobs! I need them to grow
Are they big enough no no no no
They're still not big enough!

Next please...
Britney, before you go, there's something you need to know...
Oh, they're beautiful, but wait a minute, aren't these...?
Yeah, yes they are.
But I thought you said you couldn't use helium for safety reasons?
Well baby, it'll keep them way up high,
and make your voice all weird!
Oh! Great idea!


Boobs! Inflate 'em again
I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame
(with boobies boobies)
Boobs! I need them to grow
Are they big enough no no no no
They're still not big enough!

Boobs! Inflate 'em again
I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame
(with boobies boobies)
Boobs! My agent called me at home
He said more silicone
They're not quite big enough!

Tit me baby one more time!
Mom... it happened again...


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Jeff Kobal ASCAP



ME AND TIMMY McV
A parody of "Me And Bobby McV" by Kris Kristofferson

Busted back in '95, whacked out in the brain
Worst terrorist the States have ever seen
Timothy knocked a building down, they dragged him off in chains
When he blowed 'em all away to smithereens

He built a homemade bomb out of a dirty, rental truck
And Oklahoma lost when Timothy lit the fuse
Now he's locked up and doing time, he's someone's bitch, and his white behind
Wants to bend over for the TV crews

Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news
Dyin', it's just more publicity
And network sweeps are easy Lord, with death row pay-per-view
Timothy don't want to go quietly
That ain't good enough TV for Timmy McV

From the east end of Long Island, to the California sun
Timothy wants us all to watch him go
In a world of Jerry Springer and Wrestle Mania
Yeah Timothy wants the cover of the Rolling Stone (Rolling Stone)

For that day in Oklahoma, I say let him rot away
Make that tiny cell his home, and make him be quiet
But he'll trade all his tomorrows for the headlines today
But I won't watch his body kick and writhe

Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news
Screw him, no I'll be watching Ally McBeal, yeah
They're making it too damn easy, Lord, I won't watch what they do
When they kill that trailer trash on MTV
They won't drag me down with Timmy McV

Turn it off, turn that jerk off, turn it off, I'm begging you
I don't want to see no Timmy McV
No no no no no no, no no no no no
If I can't get a show, then why should he?

Turn it off, I'd rather be watching Millionaire
I'm turning it off, because I don't care
And that's my final answer for Timmy McV
No no no no no no no no, no no no no no no no no no no no
No, no no, Timmy McV

Hell I'd call him a bastard, I'd call him a loon
I'd call him a hearse, but keep him off of the tube, c'mon
No no Timmy no, no no Timmy McV
No no no no no no no no no no no no no
No, no, no Timmy McV, NO!

© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Kris Kristofferson ASCAP



EXTRA

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I did not get a speaking role
I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours
I'm an extra, cause they say I am
I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut

I slept with the director, I slept with the A.D.
I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady
Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I worked nine twelve-hour days
I got four seconds of screen-time
In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad
I'm the one with my back to the camera
With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear

I am an extra in the movie of my life
And I am not union
I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



BURPO THE SCARY CLOWN

Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown
Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown
Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown

Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo
Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo
Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo
Burpo, the scary clown

Burpo, Burpo the scary, scary, scary, scary clown

Burpo the scary clown

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP

CD #9
Show-Off! 2002

SKINNY WOMAN
A parody of "Oh Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison

Skinny woman, walking down the street
Skinny woman, why don't you freakin' eat
Skinny woman, I don't believe you, you're just see-through
I think you puked up all your food

(Nasty)

Skinny woman, you think you're overweight
Skinny woman, but you should clean your plate
Skinny woman, oh you look hungry, you need a meal
Have you been watching Ally McBeal?

Skinny woman scarf a while
Skinny woman barf a while
Skinny woman give your smile to me
But brush your teeth first
Skinny woman bulimia-a-a
Skinny woman not in my car
Skinny woman say you'll keep it down
Cause I'll feed you, I'll feed you right
Come with me baby, Denny's open all night

Oh, skinny woman

© 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Orbison-Dees ASCAP



QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD
A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who

Is that Harry Potter over there?
Yes, it is!
Right, our new celebrity.
There's the new boy.
Did you see his scar?
I did - it's amazing!
I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom.
Gerroff!
Couldn't be!
Yes, he can!

Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team
in over a hundred years! That's amazing!
You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries!
Oh dry up - he's not so big!


Ever since I've been at Hogwarts
I played the Quidditch ball
Flying on my broomstick
I'd hardly ever fall
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Flying over castle walls
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

I've never seen anyone fly like that!
And he's just a first-year!
Must be that Harry Potter!


He began as a nephew
Of muggles who were mean
Living in a cupboard
Until Hagrid intervened
No he ain't got no parents
They were killed when he was small
But that messed-up left-behind kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there?
It's fantastic!


Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard
He has to find the snitch
Quidditch ball wizard
He's a speedy son of a witch

How does he stand those muggles?
I don't know
I don't think I could

For all of his infractions
He should be expelled
His cloak's the latest fashion
Cause it's invisible
Always gets away with it
Even fools McGonagall
That living-on-borrowed-time kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect
to get through his first year, breaking all those rules?


I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king
But they just handed that
Quidditch cup to him

Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we?
Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night!
You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points!
Oh no we won't!
Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants!


'Round here they call me Draco
And I should be the best
Hermione's a genius
But Ron beats her at chess
Hagrid raises dragons
But Harry tops us all
That magically inclined kid
Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball

Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor!
I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good...


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Pete Townshend ASCAP



BETTY RUBBLE
A parody of "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie

Yabba dabba doo!

You love Natasha, she rules your world
You love Dot Warner and the Powerpuff Girls
Hey Jane, Mrs. Jetson's all right
Hey Jane, daughter Judy's tight
Rogue and Storm, they're all wrong
Only one toon can turn me on

Betty Rubble, you torn your dress
Betty Rubble, yes yes yes yes
Betty Rubble, billion years ago
Hot damn, I love you so

Fred, I gotta tell you... my wife's a piece of ass!
Oh, you're telling me, Barney! Yabba dabba doo!


What's with Barney, come on girl
You can do better, Betty, that's for sure
Hey babe, he's three foot two
Hey babe, he's got a twenty IQ
Leave that clown, he's all wrong
He's not worthy of your loincloth thong

Betty Rubble, you torn your dress
Betty Rubble, your cave is the best
(If you know what I mean)
Barney Rubble billion years ago
Hot damn, I love you so

I've often pounded one out to the thought of your wife, Barney.
Oh yeah, no surprise here!


You torn your dress, I gotta confess
When you do that little giggle I just ogle your chest
You're prehistoric and you're on fire
You got those long legs and a miniskirt
You got no Wilma pearl necklace, and you don't got no shoes
But I love your dress
Oh, Barney doesn't like that...
You jurassic temptress
Smackin' that ass, smackin' that ass...
And how could you know
I'm on it!
That they'd cast Rosie-O (in the movie)
Hey why'd she wanna go, defiling your style
Uh uh uh uh, you're no lesbo
What'd she do to you, she must weigh three hundred two
We are not impressed
Who let the dogs out?
Man her face is a mess
Ooo ooo, no no no no
I've had it up to here with you, Betty!
When I meet the Flintstones
Keep that bitch locked up!
We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time
Betty!!!

© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Burpo, and David Bowie ASCAP



PUFF THE MAGIC RAPPER
A parody of "Puff The Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul, and Mary

Puff the Magic Rapper lived by the sea
And grew up with his homies in the land of Giuliani
Little Jenny Lopez loved that rascal Puff
And brought him guns and ammo clips, and other gangsta stuff

Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper loved NYPD
Since they made him take the stand for bribing an employee
Oh, Puff the Magic Sampler knew he'd go scott free
To rip off songs he didn't write, to gain celebrity

Together they would travel in a cop car to the jail
Puffy kept on looking at J-Lo's gigantic tail
Loyal guards and chauffeurs would lie to the police
Witnesses never noticed it when Puff pulled out his piece

Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper was acquitted naturally
When his lawyer got the charges dropped, he said "thank you, Johnny C."
Oh, Puff the Frequent Inmate lived affluently
And gave 3 mil to the family of Notorious B-I-G

Love should last "Forever", but she wasn't his "Best Friend"
Music-biz relationships often come to a bitter end
One grey night it happened, Jenny Lopez came no mo'
And Puff that Mighty Rapper, he lost his favorite ho

Oh, Puff the Skank-Ho Slapper, abandoned and lonely
Went looking for his true love on a scooter in Miami
Oh, Puff the Reckless Driver went back to the pokey
To visit friends and to pick out drapes for a cell marked P. Diddy


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Lipton-Yarrow ASCAP



BROWN BOOGER
A parody of "Brown Sugar" by The Rolling Stones

Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six...

D'jew eat?
This'll be a quick meal.
I ate his liver with a nice Chianti
Ew!
Oh God!
I got fifty bucks says that kid picks his nose!
Fifty bucks says he eats it.
See if you can guess what I am now...
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-I-G pig!
I'm a zit... get it?


Third grade recess on the playing field
Joe forgot his lunch, he's got no midday meal
He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight
See him find a big one, just about bite-sized

Awwwww!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good?
Gross!
That's disgusting!
D'jew eat?

Brown booger, just like a booger should now

You gonna finish that?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it,
but if you're gonna eat...
Say the word and I'll give you a piece.


Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops
Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop
She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie
But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time

Blech!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Gross!
Ah, son of a bitch!
Nice mouth!

Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah

We're mutants! There's something wrong with us,
something very very wrong with us!
That kid'll eat anything!
Must be hungry.
Something seriously wrong with us!
Here's proof... his nose is cold.


Now, didn't your mama teach you anything?
If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen
I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate
You should have seen the size of what he ate

The size of a Buick.
Wow!

Brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now...

I can't believe you're eating this!
You know what your problem is?
You don't chew your food, that's why you
get so irritable with people. You could get mumps...
Oh...


I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Mmmmm!
That one tasted like Cracker Jack!

How come you... how come you taste so good?
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww!
You can taste mine if I can taste yours.
Ooooo... okay!

Just like a, just like a booger should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers
and then toss it at you
This one tastes like pepperoni!
Pepperoni!
Yeah! From the nose-meister!
I think I touched my brain!
If I find a gooey one, I wait for later,
and then I get a crunchy one, and then
I mix 'em.
Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear.
Ooo, that's a good idea.
Have you ever mixed it with your earwax?
Have I? I invented that!
Oh! Extra points! Blood!
Mmm... slimy.
Mmm... salty.
Have you ever microwaved them?
No!
Mmmm!


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Chris Smith, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richard ASCAP



CHAT ROOM
A parody of "White Room" by Cream

In a chat room, with two school girls, and one pervert
If they ask me, what my name is, I say Amber
Sideways smiling, naked chatting, one hand typing
Download jpeg, with bad virus, goodbye Windows

I'll wait in this place, till the kids come online
Chat with no face, where the geezers play with themselves
Hi everyone....

In the chat room, she said she was, head cheerleader
I'm all alone tonight...
Got her address, waited outside, pedophilia
Is anyone else all alone?
Mother caught me, handcuffs no fun, police station
Have you ever... done... it?
Made confession, two Hail Marys, absolution
What was it like? Was it all gross?

I'll pray in the pew, make my sins okay-fine
They forgive what I do, no, the Cardinals ain't gonna tell

Does anyone want to meet somewhere for a milkshake?
If my dad catches me on the computer again,
he's gonna beat my butt with a belt till it turns red.
Oooh, that hurts
Are there any policemen in this room?
Do you ever worry about internet predators?
I've heard they can be real weird...


© 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Bruce-Brown ASCAP



IT SAW HER STANDING THERE
A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles

And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far,
Mr. Potter?
A-one-two-three-FOUR!
Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts...
it is much too dangerous!


Well there's a snake, slithering
Below the girls' latrine
And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare
But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

You see apparently, my friend Hermione
Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair
So I took a chance, way down under, oh
Cause it saw her standing there

Serves her right!
Shut up, Draco!

Well my heart went boom, when I found that room
And I held my hand over my eyes
Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle.
AND I'm Lord Voldemort!!


Oh I stabbed two snakes that night
Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright
He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure
Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh
Till I saw him standing there

You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes.
Ready with the firework, then, Harry?
I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out.
Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders!
Oh really?
Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it
suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast,
you might not like spiders very well, either.
I suppose not.

Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom
But then that red bird landed just in time

Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?!

Oh the whole thing worked out great
And now Hermione's wide awake
And before too long I'll be a full wizard
I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh
Cause I saw it standing there
Dobby is free!
Oh since I saw it standing there
You lost me my servant, boy!
Yeah well since I saw it standing there
Thank you Harry Potter sir!
Dobby thanks you and thanks you!

Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter...
Oh yes!


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Paul McCartney ASCAP



(PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME EAT)
SUSHI


My friends give me grief
Cause I don't eat raw fish from the coral reef
On this sushi they're hooked
But I like my food cooked
I want to know where's the beef
I'm not down with this hip scene
I'll be at the diner having bacon and beans

Please don't make me eat sushi
I don't need your bacter-ee-eye
I got KFC for ecoli
Please don't make me eat sushi

I get a hankerin for chocolate pie
I get a craving for, french fries
I get a yen sometimes for a pasta dish
But I never get a yearning for, raw fish
Still squirmin from the sea
Give me a salad or a waffle man
If I want fish I'll open a can

Please don't make me eat sushi
Ain't nothin' wrong with a bowl of chili
I don't want to eat Free Willy
Please don't make me eat sushi (faster)

I like the Teriyaki
I like the hot saki
I like the rice
I don't mind the spice
But I might commit hari kari
If I don't get something culinary
Or something marinari
Like a barbecued canary
Stir-fry the tooth fairy
I'm going back to dairy

Please don't make me eat sushi
I'll yell for help if I have to eat kelp
And where's my fortune cookie

I'd rather blow a fish than eat blowfish
Please don't make me eat sushi

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Maria Menozzi ASCAP



GRANDPA'S DEAD

Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead

I got some news I thought you ought to know
Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole
He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed
Maybe you should play croquet instead
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead

Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said
Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead

I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true
Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you
And no one else really likes you that much
And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy...

Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa!
I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up!


He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing
If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing

Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath
Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth
Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn
One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms
Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead
Like I said, Grandpa's dead

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THAT MOTEL SMELL

I'm on the road about forty-five weeks a year,
and that's a lot of time to be on the road,
and I stay in a lot of little places,
sometimes not so nice, thought I'd tell you
about it...


In every town there's a familiar sight
Affordable places to stay for the night
Big plastic signs lit up so bright
They leave out the frills, and they leave on the light

Hope you know what I'm talking about...
If you don't, maybe you better ask your sister Lucille...


At the bulletproof window I fill out a form
I get my key, and I open my door
The walls are all brick, the carpet is torn
And it hits me in the nose like a thousand times before

It's that motel smell, that I know so well
It's like a locker room inside a Taco Bell
"Get us out of here!" I hear my nostrils yell
Because of that motel smell

The cigarette burns are deep and bold
The phone doesn't work, and the shower is cold
And bolted to the desk is a remote control
For a black and white TV with no verticle hold

Not to mention that motel smell, that I know so well
Fix it up just a bit, you got a prison cell
Reminds me of the aftermath of a can of Hormel's
That motel smell

Here's what twenty bucks will buy me
Dark and scary and hairy and slimy, oh yeah
The holes in the blanket are baseball-size
I'm chasing rats and I'm swatting flies
And through the wall I can hear the cries
Of the couple in the next room winning the prize

Yeah, it's got that motel smell, that I know so well
From the stains on the mattress to the towels from hell
Like the olfactory equivalent of Howard Cosell
That motel smell

Yeah I need some housekeeping! It's a little too late...
Play that guitar, boy...


© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MY GIRL GOES
Improvised live in the studio by Steve Goodie and Burpo

Hey fellas!
Yes?
You wanna hear something good?
(hiccup) Oh yeah! Tell us! Tell us now!
Yeah right! Ho ho ho!
'Kay man!


I got a girl that looks so nice
That she looks at me once or twice
Then my girl is so sweet
That sometimes she shares her meat

You know what else she does?
(cough) What?
She does something good!
Oh boy!


My girl goes...
My girl goes...
My girl goes...
My girl goes...

My girl goes...
My girl goes...
My girl goes...
What else she do?

And she goes...
And she goes... Untie the rope!
And she goes... Let me out of the car!
Boy she goes... I really gotta go to the bathroom!

Yeah she goes...
And she goes...
And she goes...
And...I don't wanna play anymore!
And...Ten cent chorizo!

Then she goes...
Then she goes...
Then she goes...
That's wrong!

She goes...
Then she goes...
And... Hey, man, where's my spaghetti?
And...

But sometimes she comes to my house at night
And she wears these pants, and her pants are tight

Well I go no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no
No, no...
Drum solo!
Hootenany, hootenany
I said drum solo!

Boy he's good!
Beat that baby!

My baby goes...
What a jerk!
(A bunch of incoherent stuff, ending with...)
Little skinny bitch...
I can't play no more.


© 2000 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP

CD #8
The Nudniks, 2002

B'MIR BIST DU SCHON

Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some
Before I met you boy, I was lonesome
But when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light
And this old world seemed new to me

B'mir bist du schon, please let me explain
B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand
What you say?
B'mir bist du schon, again I'll explain
It means you're the fairest in the land

I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon
So kiss me and say you'll understand
Drum solo!

B'mir bist du schon, you've heard it all before
But let me try to explain
B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand
B'mir bist du schon, it's such an old refrain
And yet I should explain
It means I am begging for your hand

I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon
So kiss me and say you'll understand
So kiss me and say that you will understand

© Secunda/Jacobs/Cahn/Chaplin ASCAP



MOSES, DIDN'T YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU WERE GOING?


Moses, you're the greatest
You freed us years ago
But the promised land is still a promise
Moses, didn't you know where you were going?

Thirty-nine years back, you split the sea in two
But did you think to pack an atlas, ask directions, no not you
How 'bout a measley trail of breadcrumbs, hell a compass ought to do
Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going?

We thought you had a strategy, a plan for every crunch
Aside from wandering and praying for a miracle for lunch
The Buddha never pulled this kind of stunt on just a hunch
Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going?

Manna (man oh manna)
I'm getting sick and tired of Manna (for breakfast, for dinner)
I'd like a steak or a banana (some veal parmegiana)
Even some tofu would be grand
Hey Moses, how far to Milk And Honey Land?

Pharoah (Pharoah? Where?)
Maybe he ain't so bad that Pharoah (We do like Mia Farrow)
I kind of miss my old wheelbarrow
We were crazy kids, building pyramids

Hey! Israelites!
It's Moses!


Don't forget... Egypt was the pits
Made this place look like the Ritz
You got no pay, no benefits
Hey! Dig these funky tab-e-lets

The Ten Commandments, that was good
And the Torah, moi! the best!
And that crazy circumcision
A little harsh but nonetheless
The Big G was on when He created north and
south and east and west!
Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going?
Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going?

© 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



I WANT TO BE IRISH

When I was just a little lad my mother asked of me
"What do you want my darling boy, what do you want to be?
A doctor? A lawyer? Some kind of PhD?"
But I said, "Sorry mama, mine is a fakakta destiny

I want to be Irish, Irish, Irish Oy
I want to get lucky in a pub by the sea What have I done?
I'll be an O'Brien, O'Grady, O'Veyesmir
I want to be Irish Irish Irish as can be
A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee"

And then we danced the hora the whole night through, and watched leprechauns...

So I sailed away to Ireland and broke me mother's heart
There I shed me former self and made a brand new start
Me friends all call me Seamus, sweet Molly calls me dear
And as we walked on down the aisle I heard her whisper in me ear

"I want to be Jewish, Jewish, Jewish What?
I want to read Talmud on Christmas Eve No no no no...
I want to eat lotsa, matza, and whitefish Oy...
I want to be Jewish Jewish Jewish as can be
A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee"

This is terrible
How could it be worse?
What'll I tell me mother?


So we flew back to America where Mama welcomed us
She hugged my darling Molly, saying, "You'll convert I trust"
Molly said, "Yes Mama, I already did"
Mama said, "My dear, that's wonderful, but what about the kids?"

Ummmm...

They're gonna be Jewish, and Irish, and Jewish Oh my God!
Manischewitz and Guinness equally You're drunk!
With names like Abraham O'Flannahan McGeeberg
They're gonna be Jewish Irish Jewish Irish
Irish Catholic Protestant Jewish
Just as Jewish Irish as can be
A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



MY LITTLE BABUSHKA

Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy
Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy

My little Babushka, how can it be
Although there's one of me, she cooks for three
She makes gefilte fish, and matza brie
There's something coming from the oven constantly

I see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans
Baking cake, with aching hands
Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold
Oh how I'd love to be there now

Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy
Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy

My little babushka, she's far away
She's up in Canada, and I'm in L.A.
I know she misses me, I miss her too
And so it goes, sometimes that's all that we can do

I hear the phone ring thousands of miles away
A sparkling voice, little wooden cane
Tapping on the sidewalk, bus stop's not too far
But how I need to be there now

Babushka, ty moya na vsegda ty babushka
Kak-by soodba nye staralas da nye raskeedala nas
There's a place in my heart where we're always together
Where the dishes are full, oy yoy yoy
Where the laughter is full, oy yoy yoy
Where her grandson's an arm's reach away
Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy

The years get heavier, as they go by
I know she carries them, how hard she tries
She may not walk as fast, she may need time to rest
But in her smiling eyes I'll always see her strong as ever

I'll see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans
Baking cake, with an expert's hands
Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold
Oh how I'd love to be there now

Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy
Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy
Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy

© 1999 Jacob Kantor ASCAP



MY BUBBIE'S A KILLER

Well she talks like Robert DeNiro
(Robert DeNiro)
But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro
(Mrs. Shapiro)
I've heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think
There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink

She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes
She'll make you an offer you're a schmuck to refuse
She may not look like the godfather type
In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla
(Oh no no no)
But my Bubbie's a killer (Killer!)

Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel (Poor Jimmy The Jimmy The Pretzel)
Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel (Vroom vroom!)
She didn't stop she just dropped him right there on his lawn
Doing three miles an hour with her turn-signal on

She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown
And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town
She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair
Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya
(Yum yum yum yum)
My bubbie's a killer (Killer!)

Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza
She woulda got caught, but they forgot
About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah

I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me
She's just a grandma, from a crime family
She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree
In the first degree in the first degree

She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued
A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude
In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla
But to me she's just Grandma Guerrilla ( Grandma Guerrilla?)
The Sephardic Godzilla
Hey, my bubbie's a killer (Killer!)

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



HI MOM, IT'S ME

(Dialing sounds)

You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek
Please leave your name and number at the beep
You have 30 seconds in which to speak

(Beep!)

Hi Mom it's me, your son, number three
Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh
I wish you were in, cause by now it has been
Three weeks since you did my wash

It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry
Not mention all the dishes in the sink
If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double
Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink

And also, I just wanted to ask if...

(Beep!)

Hello?
You've been cut off.
Hello?
I was cut off? I wasn't done.
It's one of those thirty-second things.
I'm so sick of thios answering machine... I'll just call again...
This is ridiculous...

(Dialing sounds)


You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek
(Same message since 1974...)
Please leave your name and number at the beep
(Drones on and on...)
You have 30 seconds in which to speak

(Beep!)

Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again
This time I'll try to speak more rapidly
If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today
And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV

The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter
Better bring your socket wrenches when you come
And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver
It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum

And also, I was just going to ask...

(Beep!)

Would you please let me finish?!
I'm going to try one more time, but that's it!
I'm getting sick of this.

(Dialing sounds)

Unbelievable!

Hello Joshua...?
Ma? Is that you? I just left a couple messages...


Yes, this is your mother, you should be more like your brother
He takes care of things himself no help from me
I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you
You're 30 and still sitting on my knee!

I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death
And Oprah says I have to draw the line
Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast
You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine!

I don't know what to do... ahhh, you're driving me crazy!
Come on, Mom... I'll just ask Grandma!


But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin'
I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine

© 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Sharon Port ASCAP



MENDEL THE REINDEER

So you think you've heard them all
Every Christmas song
Every yuletide carol that has ever come along
That's not quite true
We present one more to you

Mendel the Reindeer reported for work
On the 24th night of December
Mendel had come all the way from New York
Clutching an overnight letter
Saying Dasher was sick and a desperate St. Nick
Needed somebody healthy instead
But Santa didn't hire Mendel
He took a reindeer named Fred

Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel
Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel
What do you know about Christmas anyway?
What do you know? Oy vey!

Mendel asked Santa Claus, "Why'd you reject me?
So blatantly, anti-Semitically?"
But Santa said, "Mendel, that's simply not true
Just look around here, we're all Jewish too"

You know Herschel and Harry and Larry and Tevya
Lenny and Izzy and Yankel and Edna
Jewish reindeer one and all, each one of them is
They just changed their Hebrew names for showbiz
("Even Rudolph?" "Well, he's Hindu...")

Mendel-le, Mendel-le, won't you please believe
Who else would want to work for me every Christmas Eve?

Mendel Mendel, would you be mollified
If I said you're overqualified
Maybe you'd be better suited for a desk job
What do you say? Okay!

Mendel the reindeer reported for work
On the 26th day of December
Sorting complaints from the bad boys and girls
Who got socks instead of Nintender
And Dasher got well, and Fred went back to Jersey
To his job at the agnostic petting zoo
So what do we know about Christmas anyway?
It's Jews pulling the sleigh
Except for Rudolph, he's from Bombay
And oh, by the way
The Easter bunny's gay

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



TWIST OF THE DREIDEL

I had it good, I had it made
A kitchenette, a Chevrolet
Money, laundry, big screen TV
I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel
Of the dreidel

It started out a friendly game
Once in a while, but it became
All night after work, little Bobby Schwartzberg
Took it all with a sharp cruel twist of the dreidel
Of the dreidel

I'd be the first to say I should have stood and walked away
But now it's all too late
I played to win, I raised the stakes, I let it spin
And left it up to fate
Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel!
Nun! Nuts!!

And now I'm living in a box beside the road
No kitchenette, no commode
No friends, no shoes, nothing left to lose
I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel
But I still hear it call

I've seen the dreidel and the damage done
But I wanna have some fun
Ein svi drei latka!

I'm getting lucky tonight
Lucky!
I'm getting lucky tonight
Dreidel dreidel, made of clay-del
Dreidel made a fool out of me

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



NUDNIQUE
A commercial announcement

Boy, someone smells good!
Thanks!
What is that, is that Obsession?
No...
Temptation?
No...
No Jacob... that's Nudnique!
Nudnique?
That's right, Nudnique. For people who are
tired of their old frangrance wearing off after just three
or four weeks.
Nudnique... the scent that just won't go away.

© 1999 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor,
Julia Kantor, and Maria Menozzi ASCAP



KATUSHA

This one is entirely in Russian,
and I can't make head or tail of it!


© Isakov



THOSE WERE THE DAYS

The first verse and chorus are in Russian, and once again,
I have no idea what we're saying... but then...


Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we'd laugh away the hours
And dream of all the great things we would do

Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the lives we choose, we'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way

Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye, nye...

Traditional / Raskin



LET'S GO PLANT A TREE

Let's go plant a tree
Let's go plant a tree
Put it in the ground
That doesn't sound so hard to me
Rain will cost us bubkus
Sunlight's always free
Pardon my abruptness, but let's go
Let's plant a tree

Let's go plant a tree
Let's go plant a tree
Give a bird a thrill
Someplace to chill with a chickadee
Soon we'll see a forest
Where Macy's used to be
Squirrels will adore us for this
Let's go plant a tree

Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat
Happy Tu Bishvat
Give it all you got
Say what? Why not?

All year long
You'll be far away
Far from here
Thinking about your tree My tree
Which is making the air you breathe
My tree! Break it up!

Let's go plant a tree
Let's go plant a tree
They're running out of toothpicks
At the toothpick factory
And the Sunday morning paper
Comes halfway up my knee
Yes we must recycle I suggest we plant a tree
Come on let's recycle
Michael row the boat-a
Tell Mary and Rhoda
Luke and Yoda, North and South Dakota
Everybody let's go plant a tree
Chop chop chop!

© 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP

CD #7
Hey Hey Howdy, It's Girlband! 2001

SLUMBER PARTY

Hey we’re Girlband!
Rockin’ Brownie troop 308!
Put on your PJs and your bunny slippers,
Cause everyone’s invited to a slumber party!


Hey hey howdy, be my friend
Come on over and let's pretend
We're superheroes who've got a band that rocks

Hey hey howdy, let's wiggle till
Our tongues fall out and our bladders spill
Let's have ourselves a killer pillow fight

And we'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed until we barf

It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
My brother's away at military school!
It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
I made the onion dip!
It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone
Go to sleep, don't go to sleep

Hey hey howdy, potato chips
Braid you hair with glitter clips
Smother up your bubble lips with gloss

Hey hey howdy, we'll make some noise
No cooties from no stinky boys
If you see one then feed him poison rocks

And we'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed
We'll all jump on the bed until we barf

It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
Don't eat that, that's not peanut butter!
It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party
C'mon, somebody paint my toenails!
It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone
Go to sleep, don't go to sleep

Hey hey howdy
Oh hey hey howdy
I said hey hey howdy

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



BUY MY COOKIES

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads…
Start your engines!

It’s that time of year…
You see us coming out of the minivans
Wearing our cute little uniforms
And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes
You know the boxes
You know what I’m talking about!
308, 308, 308 is so darn great!


I want to go to summer camp,
I would like to earn a bike
The pretty pink one!
There are plenty of prizes in the catalog
I know I'd really like
I want that, I want that, I want that!
You see me a-boppin' down your street
You pretend that you're not home
Pretend that you're on the telephone
Hey I'll kick your screen door down
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
Guitar!

I'm bringing my little brother
Got my mom driving the van
You have no flippin' out idea
How serious I am
If those brats living on the hill
Beat me this time I swear
I'll T.P. your entire house
And I'll pull out my own hair
Ow!
Buy my cookies, buy my cookies

Now I know you've got your excuses
Oh, I'm sorry,
You've caught me without my checkbook
Oops!
I just started Jenny Craig
Look here Lola...
I see what you've got in that shopping bag.
And it's not cottage cheese!


Remember that I’m nine years old
I’ll outlive all you all
I’ll hunt you down every street
I’ll chase you through the mall
I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby
I know what I need
While you waddle into your SUV
This Girl Scout’s built for speed

Buy my cookies, buy my cookies
I’m begging you, buy my cookies
You better buy ‘em
Please buy my cookies
Just one box, just one box
Just, just, just one box, one box
What? One of each?
Uh huh…
Wow!
Uh huh… uh huh!
We see what you’re made of
Folding like a house of cards
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
I guess I could bring ‘em by…
P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me
Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh
P is for pushy


© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



POOP ON THAT

My stupid little brother's in my stuff again
He's wearing my brand new hat
I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well
Poop on that

My stupid older sister got a baseball glove
And a brand new aluminum bat
I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?"
But my little sister wanted a cat
Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox
Poop on that

My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework
Cause I put some gum where he sat
It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well
Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop on that

Poop solo!

Tommy likes Suzie better than me
I heard him say that I'm too fat
And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well
Poop on that

Grandma came by for a little visit
She was bossing me in no time flat
Now she says she's staying all summer, well...
All summer... for the love of pete...
July... how will I endure?
Come kiss Grandma!!

Poop on that

Poop on that, poop on that, well
Poop poop poop on that
I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so
Poop poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poop on that
Poop poopy doop
Cha cha cha

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND

No one really understands
How bedtime rescues me
The only math I ever do
Is when I’m counting sheep

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Hot chocolate swims around me
I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy
I’m a floating marshmallow
In my jammies with the feet

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
Wishing makes it mine
I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles
I’m frittering my time

The pajamas of my mind
Grownups wait in line
I’m flying purple roller blades
I’m frittering my time
The pajamas of my mind
Ahhhh

The pajamas of my mind
They are doing fine
The pajamas of my mind
Oh, they are doing fine
Ahhhh

Solitary mind, solitary mind
Hari krishna, krishna krishna
Hari hari

Oo oh gee I'm sorry
Would you like to play Atari
Not even in Tucumcari
For Halloween I'm Mata Hari
Like my dad's brand new Ferrari
I voted for Marion Bar-ry
Who drives a '94 Volare
He's a cracker jack
There's no such thing as a '94 Volare
They stopped making 'm in '79
Creative license
Mine has been revoked!
I'm not just a rock star,
I'm an artist!
I'm not just Mayor McCheese,
I'm a cultural i-con-vict
I'm not an actor,
But I play one on TV
I'm not a headphone,
But I am stuck in your ear
Don't hate me because I'm pitiful
There goes a guitar down the street
My name is Luca
Choo choo!
Like almond rooca
Hey, bull...


© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



MY BROTHER’S COMING BACK

Things had been terrible
They’d just been terrible
But things are looking up
Yah they’re looking up

He’d gotten a scholarship
He’d gotten a scholarship
Cause he can swish and dunk
Can he swish and dunk

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To town, to town

When bullies pulled my ponytail
Bullies pulled my ponytail
My brother beat ’em up
Yeah he beat ’em up

He tried to teach our dog to dance
Tried to teach our dog to dance
But then he gave that up
Yeah he gave that up

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To town, to town

He’s got a moustache now
He’s got a moustache now
It’s not too thick in spots
Not too thick in spots

He still drinks all the milk
He still drinks all the milk
He drinks straight from the box
Yeah straight from the box

He’d been away too long
But now he’s coming home
My brother’s coming back, I said
My brother’s coming back, I said
My brother’s coming back to town, to town
To teach that dog to dance
Town, to town
He still drinks all the milk
Town, to town
It’s not too thick in spots
Spots

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



PINKY SWEAR

Summertime comes to a close
Time to pack away our summer camp stuff
And go with our mommies home
We've made friends
And now it's time to say with a tear
In our little old eye...
"Bye bye, my friend, good bye bye."


I wanted you to be the very last to sign my shirt
Though you’re wet from water bombs I’d still give you a hug
There’s still punch and popsicles but I’m not hungry now
Everyone should know that nothing ever has to change

You live over by the hills so
You’ll go to a different Junior High
Over there

Pinky swear you’ll still come over almost every day
Pinky swear that we’re the best of friends
If you moved to Cucamonga I would write to you
I pinky swear it’s true

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



MS. G

Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

My favorite book’s the one you always read to me
The Harry Potter one, that’s got the chimpanzee
I wish all of my free time, was just you and me time

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

But then on summer break you go away
Do you live in the cabinet, do you live in your jeep
Do you have to listen when your mom says go to sleep
I watch TV till I can hardly see
But I’d rather hang around your desk
And watch you grade our sheets

Pick me, Ms. G
I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep
Pick me, Ms. G
I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team

Who is the teacher that is really cool
Who makes you want to do well in school (not me)
Who teaches readin’ and writin’ and stuff (I know)
Who says “Good morning, Flufferpuff”


Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
All right, here I’m waving my hand, Ms. G, Ms. G!
I know, I know, I know the answer! Pick me! Pick me Ms. G!!

Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G
Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



TALK IN ESPANOL

Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our
Spanish-speaking merit badge!
That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session!


We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol
We’re gonna talk in Espanol

Can you say hola?
Hola!
Como esta?
Como esta!
Taco?
Taco!
Chalupa?
Chalupa!
That’s very very very good…
Talk in Espanol!


That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #1

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #2

That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
That’s how we talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol (even the dog)
We talk in Espanol
We talk in Espanol
Pop quiz #3

Ba la la la, La Bamba
Ba la la la, La Bamba
Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Ba la La Bamba
Chalupa…

© 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP



TRAINING BRA

Oh Mom, why can’t I have one
I’ll take good care of it, I swear
Oh Mom, why can’t I be like everyone
All my friends are set up there

Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra…

Oh Mom, how come I’m so slow
I’m almost nine and a half
Oh Mom, how come I don’t grow
In the brownie troop everyone laughs

Training bra, you need a training bra
Go get a training bra, a little a training bra
Training bra, you need a training bra
Sears makes training bra, a little training bra…

You’re much too young
But I want one, oh…

Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra

Training bra, I want a training bra
I need a training bra, get me a training bra
Training bra, I want a training bra
A lacy training bra, get me a training bra

Training bra, I want a training bra
Just like my ma
Get me a training bra, I need a training bra
With lace on top
Training bra, I want a training bra
Just like my ma
Get me a training bra
I need a training, I’m tired of explaining
Training bra
Please!

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



REAL GOOD CRY

It’s supper time, but none for me
I tripped this boy, he chipped his teeth
They don’t understand me, nobody does
Well I don’t care now, and that’s because

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

They cancel all the best cartoons
Moms just say no to pet raccoons
One day I’ll show them, I’ll show them all
And they can’t ground me, when I’m so tall

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

I’ll hop aboard a boxcar, I’ll see the world
I’ll join the army and the circus
I’ll do just what I want to, I’ll sing all day
I’ll live on Frosted Flakes and Yoohoo

They say in school, just be yourself
But when you do, they give you grief
My classmates bore me, they’re all so slow
They raise their hands up, when they don’t know

I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry
Gonna mean it when I say goodbye

Treat myself, real good cry
Mean it when, I say goodbye
Say goodbye

© 2001 Burpo ASCAP



BOYS ARE STINKY

Who makes you puke every time you see ’em?
Who’s the most creepy kind of human bein’?
Who’s so gross and who’s so mean and
Who’s so very very stinky?

Boys are stinky
They’re stinky stinky boys
Boys are stinky
Like a dirty diaper
Boys are stinky

Who makes you barf every time you see ’em?
Who doesn’t wash when they’re done peein’?
Who’s so dumb and who’s so rude and
Who’s so very very very very very very stinky?
I’ll tell ya…

Boys are stinky
Like a green burrito
Boys are stinky
I think I’m gonna pass out
Boys are stinky, oh yeah

I wouldn’t be a boy for all the money there is
I’d much rather stick things in my eye
If you’re a boy I feel sorry for you
And your smell just makes me cry
I’ll tell you why…

Boys are stinky
Like a big old green tornado
Boys are stinky
Like a bug in a potato
Boys are stinky, oh yeah

Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky stinky stinky
Stinky

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



(I CAN’T KISS YOU ‘CAUSE I HAVE)
BRACES


Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week
Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat
We’re on the bus and we’re riding along
But something’s wrong

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb
This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb
And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild
But I’m afraid to smile

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It’s always something and it’s so unfair
I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there
I sit by the phone and wait for your call
But you won’t
And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault
All his fault
All his fault
All his fault

I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
Metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal
Metal metal metal metal, ahhh

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
I can’t kiss you cause…

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I have metal in all the wrong places
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]

I can’t kiss you cause I have braces

© 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP



SLUMBER PARTY (reprise)

One two three four!
Yeah buddy, that sure was fun!
And on behalf of myself, and Muffin,
and Thea, and Cricket,
we just want to invite everybody back
to do this again, all the time,
'cause everybody knows...


It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party
The record’s over, play it again!
It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party
I got the music in my teeth!
It’s fun it’s fun there won’t be anyone
Who goes to sleep, don’t go to sleep

Hey hey howdy
Hey hey howdy
Oh hey hey howdy

Goodbye!
Yeah, goodbye everybody!
Remember to be nice, or you'll get in trouble!


© 2001 Burpo ASCAP

CD #6
Tail To The Chief, 2000

MONICA
A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield

There's something happening here
It's been going on a couple of years
There's grunting and moaning sounds
Coming from the oval room in the White House

She better stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down

What a field day for the press
They found a stain on Monica's dress
They proved the case with DNA
Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ

It won't stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down

Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep
Ee’s been working for tobacco creeps
Spent 40 million dollars so far
Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar

It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
President Willy's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everyone but Hillary's going down

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP



CHIMPANZEE
A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield

We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it
Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded
Tommy, you have got some really big teeth
Buddy, I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet

Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee

Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some
Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some
Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV
Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me

Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee
Yeah buddy you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee

Tommy you ain’t the worst
A lot of rockers have evolved in reverse
Right now a banana's a meal to you
But it's one of those things you got to peel to be food

Somewhere somehow somebody must have thought you were handsome
Some record exec must have heard your lyrics, and somehow he could understand ’em
Tommy, please don't take it personally
Buddy, you don’t sing too articulately

And you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee
Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee
Yeah Tom, you know that you look like a chimpanzee
You know that you look like a chimpanzee

© 2000 Steve Goodie and Mike Sterner ASCAP



RENTING
A parody of "Tempted" by Squeeze

I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste, wiped a tear from my face
Cause my boss told me yesterday that I have been replaced
So I said to my old landlord, "I can't pay for this place"
Said goodbye to the neighbors, tore up all the bills
Walked down to the station, the bus rolls on until
I'm back again, back with my parents
Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled

So I'm renting out a room from my mother
My parents shake their heads at each other
Welcome back to hell, point me to my cell
Slightly smothered, I'm renting out a room from my mother
And hoping all my friends don't discover

I'm in my bedroom, eating Froot Loops, watching Gilligan
Mom says "It's been three months, hon, when you gonna try again?"
I say, "Most guys like Ginger, but I like Mary Ann."
Dad comes home, says "Hey loser, go get me a beer"
But now I'm watching Jeopardy, so I don't even hear
And it's Monday, so it's meatloaf
I wish, I had a job

But I'm renting out a room from my mother
My parents shake their heads at each other
You're our only son, where did we go wrong
There's no other, renting out a room from his mother
Just a couple steps from the gutter

I wash the car now, do the laundry, cook the meals too
I buy the Metamucil, and I buy the denture glue
And I mix up the prescriptions just to see what they'll do

Renting out a room from my mother
My parents shake their heads at each other
What's been going on, did we raise a bum
Makes me shudder, my self-esteem may never recover
She makes me eat that smooth peanut butter, ecch

Yeah I'm renting out a room from my mother
I'm hoping all my friends don't discover
That I'm renting out a room from my mother
Here's hoping all my friends don't discover
I'm renting out a room from my mother
And hoping all my friends don't discover2

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



TECHNICAL WRITER
A parody of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles

Technical writer, technical writer...

Dear PC owner try and read my book
About your new computer, better take a look
It's based on schematics from an engineer
But it's still unclear
Cause I'm an apathetic technical writer
Technical writer

It's confusing, yeah, that's my revenge you see
Cause I majored in art history
And after sending out resumes far and wide
I find I'm qualified
To be an entry-level technical writer
Technical writer

Technical writer, technical writer...

Welcome... File done... You've got mail... Goodbye

It's a thousand pages give or take a few
And not a word will mean a thing to you
It's supposed to help you with your new machine
Which I've never seen
That doesn't matter to a technical writer
Technical writer

If you're really flustered you can call me up
Dial 1-900-I-don't-give-a-f---
Five bucks a minute for consulting me
That's the standard fee
Cause I don't want to be a technical writer
Technical writer

Technical writer, technical writer...

Abort, retry, ignore... Abort, retry, ignore...
Segmentation fault. Core dumped.


Technical writer, technical writer...
Technical writer, technical writer...
Technical writer, technical writer...

I am not a geek!
Technical writer, technical writer...

© 1996 Steve Goodie, Timothy Weber, and Mike Long ASCAP



UNCLE ALBERT
A parody of "Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey" by Paul McCartney

We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
We're so sorry that you're going down the drain
We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
But we caught you in your panties and you should have pled insane
And today in sports, the man known for bloopers has really
saved the best for last...
Pleading guilty to charges of biting, Marv Albert avoided
live inprisonment for the much more serious offense of
forced sodomy. He also pled no contest to charges of
sporting an unbearable hairpiece.
Christian Slater and Pee Wee Herman could not be reached
for comment...
But Mike Tyson is now calling Marv,


Uncle Albert
We're so sorry that we put you on display, all day
We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
But she says you went and bit her wearing only your toupee

We have just received this tape of his wife's reaction:
Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch!
And his mother's reaction:
Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch!
Despite the setback, a spokesman for Mr. Albert says that
Marv is planning to open a chain of lingerie stores, to
be called Marvin's Secret.
And the Fox Network has been in touch...
Saying that Marv would be perfect for their new forced
sodomy division.


We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
But NBC has dropped your ass today
We're so sorry, Uncle Albert
But football's what we want, not your sleazy lingerie

Welcome back, sports fans. It should be a good one this
afternoon as the young Marv Albert, voice of the Nicks and
the Rangers, takes on two women.
If you'll recall, Frank, early in the game it appeared that
Albert had the upper hand... and the upper pallette.
That's right, Kathy, this young star could do no wrong!
Certainly not in his own mind.
He shoots, he scores, YES!
Now the tables have turned... we can see him sweating...
Oh, this can't be good for Albert
I think his opponent has really got him by the --
Oh, now he's screaming at the referee! This can't help his
already tarnished image.
And, YES! The referee throws Marv out of the park!
And out of the league. This seems to be the end of the line
For the young hopeful.
Marv Albert is out of the game, suspended indefinitely for
unnecessary roughness.


The man's dressed like his daughter
Daughter
Hands across her thigh
Dropped his pants, and showed his garters
Garters
Damn the cost is high

YES! He scores, he shoots!

Got a hotel room, made it nice and dark
Found that his bite was bigger than his bark
Tried to force her head down but the little narc
Wouldn't touch his cark
Huh? what's a cark?
Those bicuspids make a big mark


The man's dead in the water
Water
Banned from TV Guide
Take the stand, because she got ya
Got ya
Canned for sodom-y

Little Marvin really used to get around
Get around
Biting girls all over town, til it all came crashing down

Stick a fork in this guy, he is finished!

Little Marvin said he never bit the slut
Bit the slut
Til another lady nailed his butt, even Dennis Rodman thinks he's nuts

Dennis Rodman is lending Marv one of his prom dresses
Isn't it poetic, Frank, that a man busted for cheating on his wife...
And being, oh, just a smidge insensitive...
Will soon be in Mike Tyson's old jail cell.
In the words of Jim Bakker, life's a bitch...
And so am I!


Man you're in hot water
Water
Hands across your thigh

Hey Marv, don't drop the soap!

A lamb led to the slaughter
Slaughter
Man you'll be a bride

I think he'll make a lovely bride!
I agree, Kathy. And though he has some nerve wearing white, that
boustier certainly flatters his figure.
I understand that they'll be honeymooning in Cell Block W.
That's right, Kathy. And they are planning a one-hour pre-game
show, involving quite a bit of leather and dental foreplay.
Oh, I can't wait for that! This is really shaping up into one of
the most memorable seasons on record, isn't it?
Yes it is, and today's lesson might be...
Yakkety yak...
Don't bite back...


© 1997 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP



HERE COMES MY SON
A parody of "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles

Here comes my son, here comes my son
And I say, oy

Little pisher
It’s been a hot, sticky, humid summer
Little pisher
It seems like years since you mowed the lawn
Here comes my son, here comes my son
And I say, you’re stupid

Little pisher
Wipe that smile off your face
Little pisher
It seems like years since you combed your hair
What do you think you are, one of them crazy hippies
from England rock stars?
Here comes my son, here comes my son
And I say, oy, my back hurts

Son, son, son, here he comes
Son, son, son, what a bum
Son, son, son, have him hung
Son, son, son, better run
Son, son, son, where’s my gun
Phasers on stun, make that kill!
Oy my back…

Little pisher
It’s so hot I’m sweating bullets
Little pisher
Get me a beer, you shmuck
Here comes my son, here comes my son, and I say, oy
Here comes my son, here comes my son, oy

© 1987 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP



CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE
A parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how the mirror used to make me smile
And those nights we went out to dance, I'd put on my Travolta pants
And even up my toenails with a file
But there'd be less space in the room, with every cupcake I'd consume
Bad news on the dance floor, I couldn't take one step more
I can't remember if I cried when the woman that I fell on died
But she sure tasted good deep-fried, with chips and slaw on the side, so...

So bye bye chocolate cream pie
I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide
Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides
I hate weight-watching but I'll try it
This'll be the day that I diet

Did you read that diet book, it scared me so I couldn't look
I kind of liked the pictures though
Now do you believe in Rocky Road, do you like your cheesecake a la mode
And hey baby would you like to share a root beer float
Well I watched the workout on TV with my case of HoHos next to me
The last time I saw my shoes, was 1972
I would love to have a roasted duck
Some chicken or wine, hey, even pot luck
But I knew I was just a shmuck the day my scale got stuck
I started singing...

Bye bye chocolate cream pie
I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide
Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides
I hate weight-watching but I'll try it
This'll be the day that I diet

Now for ten years I've been overblown
And fat grows moss hanging from my bones
But that's not how it used to be
No, once I was up every morning at 5:15
In some shoes I borrowed from Mean Joe Green
And a sweatshirt that came from L.L. Bean
Well I'd run five miles in nothing flat, then another ten in less than that
No candy, no big macs, not one between-meals snack
Oh, but my strength grew low, my will got weak
I'd buy a hotdog on the street
And I knew I was really beat when I heard myself say
"I'm stuffed, let's eat," and now I'm singing...

Bye bye chocolate cream pie
I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide
Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides
I hate weight-watching but I'll try it
This'll be the day that I diet

And there it was, all on my plate, the carcass of that cow I ate
But in an hour I'll eat again
So come on, Jack eat this, Jack eat that, Jack Spratt, he got mighty fat
Cause a fryer is a chicken's only friend
Well my blood pressure's jumped a little bit, like the 1982 deficit
Nobody's got the blues, til they wear size 72
Oh my weight climbed higher every night
To Nabisco stockholders great delight
I need an empty plane when I book a flight
And boy are those bathrooms tight, I'm in there singing...

Bye bye chocolate cream pie
I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide
Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides
I hate weight-watching but I'll try it
This'll be the day that I diet

I met a girl who sang the blues, and I'd hate to be in her shoes
She told me this tale the other day
She said, "I went down to the smorgasbord
Where I got kicked out years before
And the man there cried when I wouldn't go away
But now she sits there in that seat, a small green salad is all she'll eat
And not a threat is spoken, when she leaves no chairs are broken
But the three things she's obsessed with most
Simmons, Fonda, and Melba Toast
They're why she looks like a ghost
And is she happy, no not even close
Wish she were singing...

Bye bye American diet
I'm heavy but I'm healthy, everybody should try it
I can eat what I want, long as I don't deep-fry it
And it'll be some years til I die
It'll be some years til I die
But she's still singing...

Bye bye chocolate cream pie
I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide
Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides
I hate weight-watching but I'll try it
This'll be the day that I diet

© 1988 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP



HEAVING ON A JET PLANE
A parody of "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by John Denver

Well my bags are checked, and I’m ready to go
I’m nervous, and my blood-pressure’s low
Already I’ve been to the bathroom seven times

Now we’ve taken off, and I’m in my seat
The stewardess brought me something to eat
My stomach’s turning backflips as we climb

And I’m heaving on a jet plane
This never happens on a train
Oh God, I must be damned
I’m heaving on a jet plane
Here comes my dinner and lunch again
Oh God, when will we land

© 1989 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I’LL HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU…
A parody of "I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song" by Jim Croce

Well I know you’re kind of late
I hope that you’re not pregnant
Cause you’re kind of under-aged
And your dad’s a police lieutenant

Every kind of contraceptive
But still we got it wrong
So I’ll have to say I love you… then I’m gone

Every kind of contraceptive
But my boys were swimming strong
So I’ll have to say I love you… from Guam

Since you missed your period
You’re gonna miss your junior prom
So I’ll have to say I love you… single mom

© 1995 Chris Smith, Ty Hager, and Steve Goodie ASCAP



MORONIC
A parody of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette

Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Hey! What? Is that a new nurse over there? That's a candy striper, they call 'em. I thought they were candy strippers. That'd be nice. Yeah it would.

I'm an old man, 'bout 98
I'm here in this nursing home, with my best friend, Bill
Say hi Bill, Bill, wake up! "What'd ya say?"
Hey, Bill, you got a big old fly in your, what are you drinking there, lemonade?
A fly?! Is it moving? No. Hell, I'll drink it anyway
Oh, Bill, you're moronic! Yeah, well you stink!

I'll take your catheter, and hook it up the wrong way
Tell your kids you're dead next visiting day
Yeah that'll work real well, like my kids show up anyway
Hey, Bob! What? Your goiter there...
What about my goiter?
I think it's getting bigger!
What's the matter with you, you old fart?

I got that arthritis kicking up, I can't unzip my fly
Go get that nurse over there! That one? No not that one, that's a guy!
Can I 6help you, Mr. Schwartz? You can sure as hell try!
I want my consarned zipper down, if I could just remember why
Good God, you're moronic! Yeah, well you STILL stink!

I'll take the batteries from your hearing aid
When you're in the room I'll run the microwave
Switch your Polygrip with a tube of Ben-Gay
And you know Bob, I still think your goiter's getting bigger

All right, Bill, that's enough with the goiter jokes...
The Goodyear goiter, ladies and gentlemen!
It's not funny, it's in bad taste,
and you don't hear me making jokes about that big ugly thing on your ass.
Your mother's the big ugly thing on my ass!
Hey, my mother's been dead for 87 years!
Well, it's about time to get her off my ass then, isn't it?
You're a sick man, Bill.
I'd like to get that Alladin Morrison on my ass!
Who, her?
Yeah.
Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it, Bill? Decades...


She got a platinum record, barely out of her teens
It was a great big hit, she got a great big limousine
But she has no idea what her lyrics really mean
Rain at a wedding, oh yeah, that's deep irony
Ironing, yeah, my shorts are wrinkled
I bet they are, everything attached to you is wrinkled
I thought you didn't want to talk about your mother anymore
I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about that shiksa on stage
Hey! Alladin!

It's like your brain is hooked up the wrong way
Don't you realize you have nothing to say
Here's some good advice, get a Webster's right away
And do it before your head gets bigger

You know, Bill, I've been in this nursing home for two years.
Yeah? When does the nursing start?
That's what I want to know.
Is this song gonna be on MTV, Bob?
I think so; we're part of the hip generation!
Yeah, well, I just broke one.
What, you broke your generation?
No -- my hip!
Well, that's ironic.
Good thing something in this song is.
It's not funny though.
I think I'm gonna die now. Okay.


© 1996 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP



VIRILE MAN

He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
We call him Mr. President, Virile Man
He’s got those wacky nutty politician’s glands
And lots of motel keys, Virile Man

He says Paula, take some dictation
And how ’bout some oral copulation

Now Gennifer and Monica and Paula have
Seen the first weenie, Virile Man, hey!

He says my friends, I promise
I’m no Clarence Thomas

He's practically a Kennedy, he’s got happy hands
We call him Mr. President, Virile Man

He may not be a Nixon
Nixon
But he’s still tricky dickin’

He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
We call him Mr. President, Virile Man

Virile Man
Virile Man
Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man

© 1997 Ty Hager and Steve Goodie ASCAP

CD #5
We Just Want You To Be Happy, 1999

MY BUBBIE’S A KILLER

Well she talks like Robert DeNiro
But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro
I'd heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think
There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink

She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes
She'll make you an offer you're a shmuck to refuse
She may not look like the godfather type
In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla
My bubbie's a killer

Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel?
Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel
She didn't stop, she just dropped him right there on his lawn
Doing three miles an hour with her turn signal on

She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown
And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town
She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair
Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya
My bubbie's a killer

Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza
She woulda got caught, but they forgot
About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah

I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me
She's just a grandma, from a crime family
She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree

She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued
A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude
In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla
But to me she's just Granny Guerrilla
My bubbie's a killer

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



PLANET SYNDICADIO

They found a planet where everybody's got their own TV show
We got excited just hearing about it, so we decided we've gotta go
We've gotta go, to planet Syndicadio

And when we got there, they told us that we were just perfect
We got a slot from 9:30 to 10
Every Thursday night, we're on the satellite, cause...

Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom
Sit down, don't worry, stay calm
It takes a little, it takes a little while
But it's inevitable
You can be dumb, short, ugly
You can even be a fascist dictator
It doesn't matter
As long as you've got a, you've got a little style
And a big rocket ship
Yes it's true, it can happen to you

Now we're the hit of Syndicadio, on TV and radio
We're signing autographs and getting awards wherever we go
Wherever we go

But it's no fun being world-famous when your name is just as big as ours
Everybody's a star
From the guy at the alley who sprays the bowling shoes
To the idiot anchor on the evening news
From the head of the Teamsters to a couple singing Jews
From the janitor at Starbuck's to you and you and you

Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom
Shut up, lights, camera, you're on
You need some makeup, you have spinach in your teeth
But it's inevitable
You can be a weird, annoying, egomaniac
Or the ex-mayor, of Cincinatti
As long as you've got a perceptible heartbeat
And an agent you can trust
Yes it's true, it can happen to you
Yes it's true, it will happen to you

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



MANIAC ON THE INTERSTATE

I'm a meek gentle soul
I would never hurt anyone
I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for fun

But when I get behind the wheel
It's a different story indeed

I'm a maniac on the interstate
I'm powered by hostility
I'm a psychopath in the carpool lane
I'd cut off my own family
I'm looking at a cardiac, doing 85
Get me to the DMV
And take this freakin' license from me
Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am

I like knitting and canasta
I'm an expert at shuffleboard
Who needs 31 flavors, I run a vanilla store

But when I turn that key
There's a whole bunch of NASCAR in me

I'm a maniac on the interstate
Like everybody in LA
I'm a psychopath with two cell phones
Get the hell out of my way
I'm blowing out my Cadillac, on the 405
(I've) got no liability
Doing 'bout a hundred and three
Busted by the CHP
They took my phony license from me
Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am

Hi everybody, this is Al DiBraccio, your traffic
professional in the channel 8 news copter...
traffic is REAL ugly this afternoon... we've had
an unprecedented EIGHTEEN personal injury accidents
on the 405 between Rosecrantz and Mulholland,
including 2 major gas spills and 7 fires, with
at least 120 known fatalities, and all lanes are
standing still from Oceanside up to Sacramento.
Seems like one nutjob in a Cadillac has pretty much
taken everyone out of the race today. This
traffic report brought to you by the Betty Ford
Idiot Driver Rehabilitation Clinic. Traffic making
you nuts? Check into the idiot ward!


© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



THREE BUCKS AN HOUR

Well I saw an ad in the paper, and it seemed like just my type
This advertisement read, "help wanted, male, dependable day or night
Hours vary but forty a week is guaranteed
Time and a half for over time and all the towels you need"

Well I quickly dialed the number and I was greeted by a sigh
And I said, "I'm calling about that job."
He said, "You know how to cry?"
"Sir I've sobbed in Cincinnati, lord I wept in Birmingham
I leaked all over Louisville, I strained the Hoover Dam
I watered beer in Milwaukee, salted peanuts down in Plains
And they ring me up from Phoenix when they need some extra rain"

I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you
All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do
So they got up a pool, hired a professional fool
I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you
Yes I do

He said, "You ever been in love, son?" and I began to wail
He said, "You just listen here," and he told me all your tales
Of all the guys you've left, and before he got halfway through
We both broke down a-sobbin' and he said, "I guess you'll do."

So I got myself a bucket, and I built myself a chair
And seven days out of the week now honey you can find me just a-sittin' there
Waiting for a call from Bill or John or Bob or Kirk
Keep on breaking hearts now honey I really need the work

I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you
All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do
So they got up a pool, hired themselves a professional fool
I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you
And time and a half for overtime, fringe benefits too

© 1985 Michael Beeson ASCAP



NO GROUPIES

Nobody's waiting backstage, to take off our trousers
No one gets minimum wage to worship and arouse us

No groupies
Nobody to grope and idolize us
No groupies
Hiding in the hatchback to surprise us

Who's gonna follow us home and jump up and down in a thong
Who's gonna pick up the phone and tell her naked friends to come along

No groupies
No constant unsolicited attention
No groupies
No need to purchase pregnancy prevention

The Rolling Stones have girls up the wazoo
Even though their prostates are turning blue
Doesn't anyone fancy a Jew, or two

No groupies
No underwear propelled in our direction
No groupies
Just lots of practice dealing with rejection
I think we've got it mastered to perfection
I wanna make a teenage love connection
And start my screaming nympho fan collection
But I guess it won't be happening... tonight

© 1998 Jacob Kantor and Steve Goodie ASCAP



I CONFESS

I know this girl who's kind of wacked
Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack
And though I've never done hard time
For her I admit to every capital crime

Cause when I concoct some evil doings
She leaps into lingerie
She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing
"Baby, did you kill anyone today?"

Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness
My lies always please her
Those heads in the freezer (wink wink)
They give her a smile

Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event
She begs me to squeeze her
I'm a monster I guess
I confess, come on let's, get undressed

If I say I robbed the liquor store
She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more
She'll do whatever I tell her to
When I say my library books are way way overdue

And when I describe my five hijackings
She dresses like a stewardess
Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking
And she fondles my hostages

Yes yes yes I confess I'm unscrupulous
I'm no good, I'm trouble
I'm no Barney Rubble
Now let's hit the hay-ay-ay

Yes I did it myself, not nobody else
And the romance just doubles
I have sinned and transgressed
Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter

Now I may have gotten carried away
When I confessed to killing both JFKs
She looked suspiciously my way
Til I said... "um... wait... not THOSE JFKs...
I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins...
You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team that you're always making fun of?"

Yes yes yes I confess, I'm so malicious
I'm wicked and sneaky
I'm twisted and freaky
I'm your kind of guy

Yes yes, when I confess, though it's ficticious
I'm no longer geeky
What a beast I've become
But at least I'm getting some... I CONFESS!

© 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



HIT BY A TRAIN

Frank worked at the lumber store
Guess he'd been there forever
His life was wood, and he was bored
And his heart was heavy
Frank had loved many times before
A little pleasure, lots of pain
But when Sarah walked through that door, well
Love hit him like a train, and he said...

I don't want to get hit by a train no more
I've tried it I don't like it
I hate the way it makes you act like a fool
I don't want to get hit by a train no more
I've learned to live without it
But tie me to the tracks and see what you can do

Sarah worked as a receptionist
She didn't really like her job
But she had to feed two little kids
Their daddy hadn't helped since he took off
Oh how she had loved that man
And now she thought that love was insane
But when her eyes met Frank's, well
Love hit her like a train, and she said...

I don't want to get hit by a train no more
I've tried it I don't like it
Life already has enough stress
I don't want to get hit by a train no more
The kids won't understand it
But tie me to the tracks and we'll work out the rest

Sometimes you don't see those red flashing lights
But Frank and Sarah were at their crossroads
And their train was on time, and they said...

I don't want to get hit by a train no more
I've tried it I don't like it
When it derails it'll mess up your mind
I don't want to get hit by a train no more
But with you I could ride it
We're on the right track, let's see what we can find
We're on the right track, let's get on down the line

© 1994 Ty Hager ASCAP



PARKING SPOT

I go to work in LA, and I don't want to be late
Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my
Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet
It's called a Geo

But then an hour I waste, cause there's no parking space
Within a mile of the place, where I am going
Is there some way, today, LA

Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park
So I can get to work before dark
It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot

And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay
If I want it to stay where I put it cause
They say they may tow it away
At owner's expense

So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands
Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it
Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact
If I ever get it back

Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar
No, it's handicapped
I can't disregard the blue wheelchair
It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot

I paid for tags and title, they won't even let me idle
The world is one big parking lot
So why can't I find one little parking spot

Lovely Rita, oh I'd love to meet her
Just so I could beat her
With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter

Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar
Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar
They clean it a lot, oh God it's a plot, to take my parking spot
I need a parking spot

© 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP



CRISIS CENTER HOTLINE VOLUNTEER

God bless you, Crisis Center Hotline volunteer
You welcome whining and complaining in your ear
We never could have stood this
But you're so damn full of goodness
You come back each day so well-prepared to hear:

I have no job, I have no home
The voices won't leave me alone
I can't go out I can't stay in
I'm way too fat I'm much too thin
My mother's all strung out on coke
I'm sick and tired and weak and broke
I have no pulse, I have no doubt
That I have rickets and the gout

I need a car I need a house
I need a non-abusive spouse
And I need children I need space
And I need surgery on my face
I need my friend Dom Perignon
I need a ride to Al-Anon
And I need money, I need love
And I need all of the above
And I need lots of Demerol
I need to call and call and call and call and call...

But enough about me...

Sometimes the world won't give us any slack
Aside from you, nobody gives a crap
We don't know how you do it
But we'll just leave you to it
And hope and pray that you don't freakin' snap

© 1997 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



PRE-ARRANGED WEDDING

We've been seeing each other for almost a day, hey
It's time to get married
Nice to meet you, I'm Larry
You sure do look swell

There's been great preparation in anticipation
Of a pre-arranged wedding
So to hell with the romance
Let's go dance, and get smashed as well

I love you, yes I do, sure I do
And I can tell, I can tell you love me too, oh yeah
I can tell by the way that your mother tells my mother that it's true

I look forward to getting to know you
We just might have something in common
But for now first things first
As rehearsed, say for better or worse

I'll be fine, yes I will, sure I will
Never mind that I look a little ill
I just hope that the drugstore has lots and lots of tranquilizer pills

We'll have so much to say when the guests go away
And these wedding day jitters
My heart patters and pitters
And stops now and then
Soon we'll need baby sitters
To stay out past ten
And although I just asked you
I'll ask you again
We're married, I love you
Now, what was your name?

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



HIT IN OUTER SPACE

A couple aliens dropped by my house
On their way back to the saucer
Their mission to acquire a sample of the sounds
Earth music had to offer
They randomly grabbed five albums
From a pile of assorted CDs
The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me

And I’m proud to say my album is a hit in outer space
I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace
With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey
The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me

Though way ahead of us they loved to twist and roll
To those prehistoric earth rock tunes
Speculate and discuss all the Beatles stole
From the Two Jew Revue
With just five albums to define
Earth’s musical history
The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me

And I’m proud to say my album is a hit in outer space
I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace
With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey
The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me

© 1998 Harve Mann ASCAP



PAIN

The slamming door broke his nose
As his tears fell her laughter rose
But she's not completely heartless
She slid some tissue through the mail slot
She said, "If you ever come round here again
I'll have you hurt, I have some friends
Who will happily break every limb that you got"
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

She yelled out the window, as he got to the street
"Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly"
And she tossed it to him
But eleven floors can rearrange
And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain
Which he took on the chin
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain
Lost love hurts, but blood stains
He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders how long the swelling will remain

He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again

The papers arrived today
She's charging him with pain and suffering
He's starting to think she don't love him anymore

© © 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP



STUDENT OF BEING F---ED OVER

Tear my heart out
Treat me cruel cruel cruel
Put me on the bus
Send me back to school
I'm not gonna learn to read, I won't NEED the ABCs
Cause my major is being f---ed over

Sleep with the neighbor
Take my last cent
Total my Toyota
And let me pay the rent
I study through the night, so I don't have time to cry
I'll get my bachelor's in being f---ed over

Harvard and Yale, their curiculums fail
I absorb, so much more, as your intern
Baby I'll never learn, how to discern
Burning love from just being burned

Princeton and Purdue, they got nothing on you
You're no community college, that would be a grievous misnomer
On my wall you will see, my bachelor's degree
It says MBFO on my diplomer
That's Master's of Being F---ed Over

So stab me in the back
And laugh in my face face face
Smear my good name all over the place
I'm the Socrates of saps
I'm the Schweitzer of schlemeils
I'm a doctor of being f---ed over

I'm a 4.0 student of being f---ed over

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



MONICA
A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield

There's something happening here
It's been going on a couple of years
There's grunting and moaning sounds
Coming from the oval room in the White House

She better stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down

What a field day for the press
They found a stain on Monica's dress
They proved the case with DNA
Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ

It won't stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down

Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep
Ee’s been working for tobacco creeps
Spent 40 million dollars so far
Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar

It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Monica Lewinsky's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
President Willy's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everyone but Hillary's going down

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP

CD #4
The Two Jew Revue 1998

LIE LIE LIE

I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend
I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend
I thought that being honest was a noble policy
Since then I've found a much more beneficial strategy

Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice
Lie til you're red in the face
Don't ask why, you don't have any choice
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet

She tells you that she loves you, boy, you say "I love you too"
She says do I look fat, you say "are you size one or two?"
You tell her that your love for her cannot be overstated
And hope she never finds your special friend who is inflated

Lie lie lie, when you've become the president
Lie regarding where your weenie went
Lie lie lie, til the cows come home
And when they do look them straight in the eye
And say, "hey, you smell sweet as pie!"

Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

Oh the food was just delicious,
Of course I'll do the dishes, lie lie lie
Lie lie lie, your new outfit is quite stunning,
And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie
Lie lie lie, your new baby is adorable,
And your virginity's restorable, lie lie
Lie lie lie, I swear it's true your honor,
I didn't know she was your daughter... oops!

Lie lie lie cause you live in LA
Lie lie lie on your acting resume
Lie to get by, and lie to get laid
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet

No one's discovered them yet

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



WHISKERS AND ME

I have a cat I love to pieces
What's wrong with that?
So we come from different species
What's wrong with that?

And I know I've been lonely too long
But I know what we feel can't be wrong

'Cause Whiskers and me
We're in love, can't you see
We're just innocent victims of society
And it's not what you think
It's so much more beautiful than that
Oh God I love that pussy cat

A little pinch and a little paddle
What's wrong with that
A little whip and a teeny saddle
What's wrong with that

And what goes on when we're under the covers
It's just like any other furry four-legged lovers

'Cause Whiskers and me
Check each other for fleas
We're growing so close, we're almost Siamese
When she's using her tongue for a bath
What could be more beautiful than that
Once you've gone cat, you never go back

Now you might not like, ten sharp claws on your wife
But I'm fine with 'em
And I know that you might, think that I have no life
But I got nine of 'em
Though all through the land
Our love has been banned
Still we play in the sand
Hand in paw, paw in hand
And I'm falling for her, and she's falling for me
And though I'll land in jail, she will land on her feet

'Cause Whiskers and me
Running naked and free
In the alley at midnight, man, she's always in heat
When the moon hits her eye like a fish in a frying pan
What could be more beautiful than that
Oh God I love that pussy cat

I know we're in all sorts of trouble
But man we only want to cuddle
We make beautiful music together
If the SPCA don't come get her
She loves me but they don't want to let her
Stick around, I'll tell you about my Irish Setter

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



SHE’S JEWISH

Mama said, "Get it through your head
You're a Jewish boy, and you'll marry a Jewish girl"
I said, "Those Jewish girls won't give me the time of day
Though they're pretty and they're sweet, they won't be seen with me"
Mama said, "You'll see, a Jew will come your way"
And one did, one day
Though she's not what I expected

She drinks she smokes, she scares old folks
She only laughs at her own jokes
She's terribly uncouth, she looks just like Babe Ruth

She lies she spits, won't shave her pits
She's got spackle in her make-up kit
But I can't let her go, cause Mama says so

Son, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And the wedding day's approachin'
She's Jewish, she's Jewish
And you'll love her cause she's chosen
Oh my fate is sealed
Mama says it's a done deal
So you can keep your Ally McBeals
I'll take the schnauser in high heels
Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish

She's really mean, she's rarely clean
She beats me like a tambourine
Oy, the grief I'm takin', to keep Mama's heart from breakin'

She loves corned beef, look, it's in her teeth
She's plenty ample underneath
And though she treats me badly, I'll take a lifetime of her, gladly

Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And that's what Mama wanted
Yeah, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
She don't got it, but she'll flaunt it
Mama says she's a steal
She likes kishka in her oatmeal
She's got kosher appeal
She's pure matza meal
She's built like Shaqille
And I'm her shlemeil
When she sings Hava Nagila
I could sure use some tequila

Nagila!

Now she's mishpuchah
Pain in the tuchas
I'm black and blueish, because she's shrewish
Not to mention moo-ish, now don't you boo-ish
We're almost through-ish
Oh she's Jewish
She's Jewish

Mazel tov!

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



PENELOPE, ARTHUR, AND STANLEY

Arthur's so strong
The strongest in the land
Stanley's so tall
Tall as any man
How do I decide
You don't
It's no contest
Pick me, me, me, me, me

Arthur bought me a ring
It's 14-carat granite (shut up)
Stanley bought me a car
And a moped just outran it (hey)
How do I decide
Come on
He's a moron
Pick me, me, me, me, me

Love, love, love
Pure and fragile as a dove
You're pathetic, you don't have a clue
Yes I do, no you don't
It's me she loves, not you
Not you, not you, no not you, no no no

Arthur speaks French
Oui oui oui oui oui wow
Stanley speaks Spanish
Si si si si si hmm
How do I decide
Oh please
He drives a Pinto
Pick me, me, me, me, me

Love, love, love
Precious gift from up above
You're a dufus, you smell like a zoo
no I don't, yes you do
It's me she loves, not you
Not you, not you, no not you, no no no

And now this is serious
I think it's time for a home and twelve children of my own Huh?
I must choose who would be the better father Father?
Would it be Stanley or would it be Arthur

Arthur's so strong
I'm really fairly average
Stanley's so tall
Well, I'm clumsy and I spit a lot
How do I decide
Hello?
I'm a loser
Pick him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



WHIPPED

You're more woman than I deserve
I'm so grateful that you came along
Cause now I live to serve
Since you taught me that I'm always wrong

I love everything you do
Love the moustache that you grew
My genitalia belong to you
See them roasting on the barbecue

Do you think I'm whipped
Cause I buy your tampons all year round
Now I'm differently equipped
And you got me peeing sitting down
Hey I think I'll bleach my lip
I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped

I love the constant way you talk
I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed
I kiss the ground on which you walk
And I got new friends just like Redbook said

No I don't think you're fat
I'd take a bullet for your cat
A thousand dollars for a hat
No I don't see nothing wrong with that

They say I'm whipped
But my bachelor party was lots of fun
Though nobody stripped
Diet Coke was fine with everyone
No I'm never gonna slip
Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped

You get ten, I get one
That's our perfect bedroom ratio
You got me speaking in tongues
But who has time for that pesky fellatio

They say I'm whipped
Cause you keep the car keys out of reach
My manhood's been snipped
And I feel so fresh walking down the beach

Now I'm happy in your grip
I jump through hoops and I do flips
Bring your butt to my lips
I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BACON

Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon
One thing I'm not fakin' is this love of mine
If you said I don't love bacon, you would be mistaken
It's bacon for me, it's so easy to see

Bacon for lunch, bacon snacks, bacon barbecue
Bacon on an ice cream cone
Bacon on the run and for fun, when I'm done
I'm coming home and making bacon stew
All for me, none for you

Sure I love my children but not as much as bacon
It's pretty darn close, but bacon gets the prize
If I had to choose between saving them from drowning
And saving bacon, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save...

Bacon with cheese, if you please, love to feel the grease
Oozing out between my toes
The sweetest of meats, for Halloween you can't beat
A warm and juicy, bacon-y treat
Let's find a pig and let's eat

Bacon
Mmmm
This little piggy went to the movies
This little piggy went to the show
This little piggy ain't going nowhere
He's comin' home with me
You see, I got a hankerin' for some fresh bacon
And the stores are closed and I got a serious achin'
I just, I just, I just feel so boss dang bacon-y all over tonight!

snort

Bacon so hot, bacon cold, bacon popsicles
Jello shots are bacon-y good
Fry it or steam it, greasy wet-dream it
Bacon t-shirts for everyone
Isn't bacon so much fun

Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon

Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



HI MOM, IT’S ME

You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek
Please leave your name and number at the beep
You have 30 seconds in which to speak

beep

Hi Mom it's me, your son, number 3
Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh
I wish you were in, cause by now it has been
Three weeks since I did my wash

It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry
Not mention all the dishes in the sink
If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double
Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink

Oh jeez, it cut me off...
You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek
Please leave your name and number at the beep
You have 30 seconds in which to speak

beep

Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again
This time I'll try to speak more rapidly
If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today
And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV

The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter
Better bring your socket wrenches when you come
And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver
It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum

It cut me off AGAIN!
Hello Joshua...
Mom? You're there?


Yes this is your mother, you should be more like your brother
He takes care of things himself no help from me
I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you
You're 30 and still sitting on my knee

I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death
And Oprah says I have to draw the line
Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast
You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine

Where did I go wrong...?
"Okay mom, I understand, never mind...


But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin'
I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine

© 1998 Sharon Port, Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



WHAT’S HE GOT
THAT I DON’T GOT?


He’s got a house
He’s got a fancy car
He’s got a pool
Looks like a movie star
His mind is sharp and quick
He’s got a real big… entertainment center
And he’s got cable television

Then I said
Just one second now
Hold that train of thought if you please
I said, I could get, I could get
Cable too

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



WEDDING BELLS

Cindy Sue, you know and me and you’ve got some words to say
I’ve been standing here at the altar since last Saturday
The preacher’s gone, everbody’s gone
There’s no one left here to carry on
Except me and the organ player
She’s waiting for me to pay her

The best man stayed till a quarter to eight, then departed
The maid of honor she had to go home broken-hearted
My poor mama cried till the cold morning light
I can’t understand, it was feeling so right
We never even quarreled
I’ve discovered a brand-new moral

Don’t count your wedding bells too soon
Least not before your honeymoon
I’m picking my heart up off the floor
And I’m not counting wedding bells no more

Cindy Sue, well I guess maybe you found another
I wish you well, but I hope that it’s hell with each other
Four days gone and I’m losing this fight
I’ve got to return the tuxedo tonight
And maybe this sounds crazy
But I’ve been eying that organ lady

But I won’t count my wedding bells too soon
Least not before my honeymoon
I’m picking my heart up off the floor
And I’m not counting wedding bells no more

I’m picking my heart up off the floor
And I’m not counting wedding bells no more

I’m not counting wedding bells no more
No more
I’m not counting wedding bells no more

© 1996 Jacob Kantor ASCAP



SEX WITH THE EX

It's over, we know it's over
And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on
But the nights get so long, so long
We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
The story is over, more or less
We made a clean break, now we're making a mess
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

Now we're here on the fence, making no sense
The sexual tension, ought to be past tense
We're over and done, but we're still overcome
We're supposed to be through, so what do we do

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect
We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

I want out
Let me out!
I want in
Oh come on
Let's go back
No no out!
Where we been
Till something better comes along
Go away, come back
One more time in the sack
No no, never, but it's better than ever

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
We closed the account but we're still writing checks
My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects
He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



EXTRA

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I did not get a speaking role
I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours
I'm an extra, cause they say I am
I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut

I slept with the director, I slept with the AD
I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady
Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I worked nine twelve-hour days
I got four seconds of screen-time
In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad
I'm the one with my back to the camera
With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear

I am an extra in the movie of my life
And I am not union
I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP

CD #3
Falling Standards, 1997

SEX WITH THE EX

It's over, we know it's over
And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on
But the nights get so long, so long
We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
The story is over, more or less
We made a clean break, now we're making a mess
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

Now we're here on the fence, making no sense
The sexual tension, ought to be past tense
We're over and done, but we're still overcome
We're supposed to be through, so what do we do

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect
We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

I want out
Let me out!
I want in
Oh come on
Let's go back
No no out!
Where we been
Till something better comes along
Go away, come back
One more time in the sack
No no, never, but it's better than ever

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
We closed the account but we're still writing checks
My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects
He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex
Sex with the ex, sex with the ex

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



WHIPPED

You're more woman than I deserve
I'm so grateful that you came along
Cause now I live to serve
Since you taught me that I'm always wrong

I love everything you do
Love the moustache that you grew
My genitalia belong to you
See them roasting on the barbecue

Do you think I'm whipped
Cause I buy your tampons all year round
Now I'm differently equipped
And you got me peeing sitting down
Hey I think I'll bleach my lip
I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped

I love the constant way you talk
I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed
I kiss the ground on which you walk
And I got new friends just like Redbook said

No I don't think you're fat
I'd take a bullet for your cat
A thousand dollars for a hat
No I don't see nothing wrong with that

They say I'm whipped
But my bachelor party was lots of fun
Though nobody stripped
Diet Coke was fine with everyone
No I'm never gonna slip
Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped

You get ten, I get one
That's our perfect bedroom ratio
You got me speaking in tongues
But who has time for that pesky fellatio

They say I'm whipped
Cause you keep the car keys out of reach
My manhood's been snipped
And I feel so fresh walking down the beach

Now I'm happy in your grip
I jump through hoops and I do flips
Bring your butt to my lips
I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THE VOMIT SONG

Martha's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen
Long brown eyes, hair so green
I want to write her poetry
I need to tell her I love her
Fancy restaurant, candle-lit meal
Young and tender, innocent veal
I try to tell her just how I feel
When that feeling gives way to another... and I...

Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks
Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch
Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew
Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke

Martha's getting married, before the Lord they stand
She's marrying Bobby, and I'm his best man
He asks for the ring, and he holds out his hand
Bet he wishes he'd worn gloves of rubber... when I...

Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks
Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch
Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew
Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke

Pray to the porcelain goddess, send the Tidy Bowl Man running
Cough up a furball, do some commode hugging

Grandma's dead, the family's gathered 'round
She looks just like she's sleeping, but this is how she sounds
(knock)
It's time to put the poor old lady in the ground
I lean over to tell her I love her... but then I...

Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks
Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch
Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew
Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke

See, songwriting isn't all that complicated.
I just sat and thought about all the places
that throwing up might be inappropriate: on a
date, at a wedding, at a funeral, on Jeopardy,
in a library, at a job interview, on your
first day as a waiter, on your second day as
a waiter, pretty much any day as a waiter,
at a bar mitzvah, during sex, at the opera,
when meeting her parents, when talking
someone off a ledge, during brain surgery,
in a manger with a virgin, any place with a
No Vomiting sign.


© 1994 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP



NEIGHBORHOOD TITTY BAR

It could be a little dive way back in the woods
Or a gentlemen's club in a nice neighborhood
A big scary guy takes your cash at the door
And once you're inside you're gonna spend a ton more

There's lots of pickup trucks
And the ambience sucks
Neighborhood titty bar

The neon sign says The Bungalow
And the ladies put on a predictable show
They can't really dance and they really can't sing
But for a dollar you can look at every damn thing

Every night you'll find us there
Getting hit with underwear
All us losers sit and stare
At the hooters everywhere

Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood
Neighborhood titty bar

Can't pay my bills, can't pay my rent
Using up the money that my mommy sent
I tuck dollar bills into their shorts
Instead of paying my child support

All right, gentlemen, that was the beautiful Amber on stage
number one, and ravishing Heidi on stage number two. Come on,
fellas, put your hands together and let them know how much you
appreciate their talents.


Every night you'll find us there
We're the socially impaired
Hey I brought some coke to share
But you gotta kiss me right there

Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood
Neighborhood titty bar

Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood
Neighborhood titty bar

Okay, coming up we have the gorgeous Denim on stage number one,
and the ever-stimulating Cocoa on stage two. And remember, lap
dances and couch dances are available, at very reasonable prices!

Hey there, honey... are you having a good time?

You bet, baby! I bet it could be better, though...

Hey, hands off, asshole! Butch!

Okay, pal, that's it. You're outta here.

Hey, man, she was asking for it! I want my money back! That bitch
took a hundred of my cash and she gets all pissy cause I want a
little something back?! Jesus f---ing Christ, what kind of place
you running here?

Did you see that?

Yeah. What a jerk. God, they're all morons, aren't they? Hiya,
baby. Wanna lap dance?


© 1995 Steve Goodie



PREGNANT

I found out I was pregnant last week
And it was kind of a shock, I could hardly speak
Cause you never really think it'll happen to you
But I peed in a cup, so I know it's true
My wife says yes sir, I don't mean maybe
My little mister's gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I'm not eating right, though I know I oughter
I'm cranky, I can't stand up, and I'm retaining water
People say I'm starting to glow
My bowling league buddies don't call me no more
My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe
My little mister's gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah


And my sister's mad, she's in a jealous rage
Cause she thought surely she'd be the first one to reach this stage
Well I didn't mean to make her no irater
I'm just a testosterone incubator
My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe
My little mister's gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah


So I called my doc up, said what about abortion
Cause I'm knocked up despite this foreskin
And the doc said she's never heard of this
It just can't be without a uterus
Uterus!
My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe
My little mister's gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah


And the doc just said keep it clean, avoid infection
And I said doc, how do you feel about Caesarian Section
Cause if my doctor won't do it, I'm gonna deck her
No son of mine's coming out of my -- pecker
My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe
My little mister's gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Gonna have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
You can have my baby
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

© 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME
(FOR A DORK LIKE THAT)


He's got no job, and he's got no credit
When he runs out of beer, you run and get it
He dips and he smokes but he never ever flosses
With goofy long hair that he never ever washes
I can't blame you for leaving me flat
But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?
How could you leave me

He's got an '89 Yugo with leather inside
Loves his big-screen and his big double-wide
Ask him the time, he can't tell it
He's got a GED, but he can't spell it
I can't blame you for leaving me flat
But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?
How could you leave me

Now you tell me I'm wrong, say I'm way out of line
I'm so jealous and bitter, I've lost my damn mind
But it ain't me, babe, news flash
I got kicked out of bed so you could sleep with the trash
If he's your type, I hope you never come back
But I still can't believe that you left me for a dork like that
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?
How could you leave me
For a dork like that?

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HORNY DESPERATE GUY

I come in alone, and I hope I look cute
My shoes are shiny, as shiny as my suit
I've got some folding cash, and I'm here to mingle
I'm mostly flash, and it's mostly singles
And I sit at the bar and I check out the crowd
And I can't hear a thing 'cause my suit is so loud

And I say, "Hey baby," about twenty times
They roll their eyes, as they roll on by
And I say, "Baby, you're looking fine
You're looking good, girl, hey what's your sign?"
And they all see right through the bleak look in my eye
They can see I'm a horny, desperate guy

And I'm out on the town, I could not get a date
I got a crummy little life, that you can validate
And I look at your chest while you look in my eye
I'm just a horny, desperate guy

So I've learned how, to drink alone
I carry major plastic, I carry a phone
I rented a Ferrari, with tinted windows
Cause someone repossessed my '81 Pinto
And the grease in my hairpiece runs into my eye
I'm just a horny desperate guy

So I sit at the bar for hours at a time
As one by one they reject my pickup line
Now they're closing it down, and I go home alone
I get into bed, and I pick up the phone
And I dial 1-900 get naked with me
And I kiss my wife and I drop off to sleep

I was out on the town, I could not get a date
So I wound up at home, and I paid to masturbate
But tomorrow and every damn day til I die
I'll be a horny, desperate guy
Desperate guy

© 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP



(I WROTE YOU A SONG AND)
I WANT IT BACK


I gave you my heart, I didn't make you win it
I gave you a dress, but I never saw you in it
Now you say it's over, just as soon as we begin it
Here's a flower, baby, stick your nose in it

When I wrote you this song, I thought you were mine
Then you sprouted some horns, so I grew me a spine
But my lawyer says no you can't give her a smack
Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back

I wanted you bad, you wanted to wait
You put up this wall I couldn't penetrate
You said you were waiting for the perfect time
Turns out I was waiting in a really long line

When I wrote you this song, I'd have given you the sky
Turns out you seduced Van Buren Junior High
And in the library, too, in the non-fiction stacks
Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back

Do you love me
Or anyone you know (are you into backup singers)
Do you want this song
Do you know how it goes
No I don't think you know

When I wrote you this song, it was lightness and fluff
I couldn't do no better, I couldn't get enough
Now I'm serious like a f---ing heart attack
You can keep my stuff, but I want this song back
I wrote you a song and now I want it back
I wrote you a song and now I want it back
I wrote you a song and now I want it back

I wrote you a song and now I want it back
I wrote you a song and now I want it back
I wrote you a song and now I want it back
You can keep my stuff but I want this song back

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



RULES

This big world is so mean and cold
I always do just what I'm told
So even though I am not too bright
The rules are always right

As a boy I was good in school
Obeyed teacher, and every rule
My nose was always somewhere between
Brown and squeaky clean

Now my life is just as meaningful as can be
Cause I only look in front of me
I hear the drum, and I march in place
With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face
I will be all that I can be
Rule me, and the rules will take good care of me

Now I get up at 6 each day
Have a donut and shower and shave
Carpool to work where I
Follows rules until 5

Now my life is just stretching in front of me
Happy happy is all I see
I hear the drum, and I march in place
With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face
Cause I know what they want from me
Little mindless me, the rules want to suck out my identity

But as hard as I might try
I lie awake crying why why why
Do I have to be so inadequate
I wanna be good but I'm so damn bad at it

You won't hear a complaint from me
I'm happy knowing they're watching me
I hear the drum, and I march in place
With a mindless gaze, stapled to my face
Just a lemming boy that's me
That's the real me, and the rules will always take care of me
And the rules are always fair to me
I'm lucky, man, to be American
From sea to f---ing sea
Little mindless me, don't don't don't don't take the rules from me

© 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP



CRINGING BASTARD

She said:

"Hi, I'm a goddamned atheist"
Shaking my hand aggressively
"Like a male gynecologist
I do enjoy that irony"

Man she scared me
Yes she scared me
Is that really irony?
She scared the living crap out of me

You cringing bastard
Stand up to her
Are you a man or a...

She said:

"I want to have your baby
Touch me with seductive hands
Be my little donor won't you?
I need your reproductive glands"

Man she scared me
Yes she scared me
I filled the cup, all the way up, yup yup yup
She scared the swimming boys out of me

You cringing bastard
Why did you do her
Are you a man or a...

She said:

"Come and get your baby"
Shaking a gun with both her hands
"You know you are the daddy, don't you?
It's parenthood, just like we planned"

Man she scared me
Yes she scared me
Do you think he looks like me?
She made a scary me out of me

You cringing bastard
You look familiar
Are you a boy or a...

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



NO BUTT

Our brand new baby is happy and smart
Our little baby is healthy and cute
Our brand new baby has all his parts
And precious little dimples to boot

But when we gently turned him over
To lovingly inspect him
We found to our horror that our bundle of joy
Was born without a rectum

Now everything else about him is fine
Ten little fingers and toes so tiny
So it's only natural that we're inclined
To wonder what happened to his little hiney

Cause everything stays inside of him
There's no way out, just a way in
He looks so perfect, but guess what
No ifs, no ands... and no butt

We took him to the doctor
Me and my poor bride
We were hoping for a transplant
Something in a new backside

The doc looked our baby over
He sighed and shook his head
He charged us a couple hundred bucks
And he sat us down and said:

"He has a cheek-deficit on the order of two
He's buttock-shy my friends
You can swap out hearts and livers and lungs
But no one replaces rear ends"

So everything has to stay in his gut
From strained bananas to Pizza Hut
He looks so perfect, but the point is moot
No ifs, no ands... and no poop-chute

He'll have to stand up everywhere
Cause you can't sit down without a derriere
And he'll never go dancing, that'd be a mistake
Cause the little guy has no booty to shake
Can't do no waltz can't do no bump
It takes two to tango and you need your own rump

Now I wonder what happens to his food
Talk about intestinal fortitude
I shouldn't be rude, shouldn't be crass
But this poor little dude doesn't have no ass

Cause everything stays inside of him
There's no way out, just a way in
He looks so perfect, but guess what
No ifs, no ands... and no butt

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HEY LOOK MY WAY

Hey look my way one time
Hey look my way one time
Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime

Hey, just halfway, one time
Hey, just halfway, one time
Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committing no crime

Hey, don't throw it away, this time
Hey, don't throw it away, this time
Don't mean you no harm, and I ain't gonna settle this time

Hey look my way one time
Hey look my way one time
Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime

© 1997 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP



MY BROTHERS

And now that the goodbyes have been said
And my deepest fear fully allayed
Parenthesis -- of not being missed -- close parenthesis
A greater grief appears, and it goes something like this:

I never knew how much I love my brothers
Til I left those idiots behind
While we shared the one town, I rarely came around
And now I've left, and they won't leave my mind
So who's the idiot, with something left to find?

I can't sing the truth the way my brothers do
I try to find that nugget, and I laugh it off
Semi-colon -- that's just grand -- dot dot dot, or ampersand
The song had just begun, the day I left the band

I never knew how much I love my brothers
Self-destructive artistically inclined
With so much common ground, you'd think I'd stick around
Yeah fate is cruel, but I usually don't mind
So who's the idiot, with something left to find?

And I knew I'd miss the girl, who blew apart my world
I braced myself and turned the heart to stone
But I was so unprepared, for this whole other despair
Four mothers made five brothers, and number five is all alone

I never knew how much I love my brothers
Til I left those idiots behind
They'll soon be on their way, and they might head west they say
The water's clear, but it's got me running blind
So who's the idiot, with something left to find?

© 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP



IF I WERE YOU
(I’D BE SO SICK OF US)


If you had six billion children who laugh in your face
Busting up the furniture, and wrecking the place

Would you love them, I wonder

And when something goes wrong, when someone gets hurt
They whine and they cry, please oh please help us sir

Would you love them, I wonder
Could you love them, I wonder

Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us
I'd wash my hands of this sad populace
Walk away in dismay and disgust
If I were you I'd be so sick of us

And if the children bitch that you don't answer prayers
Saying, "How can you just sit and watch from over there
While we kill one another, you're so goddamned unfair
You let us suffer, oh my God you just don't care"

Would you love them, I wonder
Could you love them, I wonder

Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us
I'd wash my hands of this cold populace
Walk away in dismay and disgust
If I were you I'd be so sick of us

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God... While your children are dying
Oh my God... God you're not even trying

I couldn't blame you for leaving us
If I were you I wouldn't speak to us
But sometimes in the sky
I see a tear in your eye

Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us
I'd wash my hands of this damn populace
Walk away in dismay and disgust
If I were you I'd be so sick of us

© 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP



HEY SCOUT

Hey Scout, I can't come out
You're under my tree with your worry and doubt
There's nothing I can do but let you go
You know the ground gets cold under that tree
You're barefoot and overalls, wondering about me, and I
I just want to let you know

I'm never that far away
I'm watching you and your brother play
I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours
And I want to scream and shout
I've been in here for so many years
Hey Scout, I can't come out

Hey Scout, you better watch out
There's a house on fire and a big old drought
I got a blanket for you, and a face I can't show
I know the kids are cruel, and their parents are mad
But it's gonna get good when it's done being bad, and I
I just want to let you know

I'm never that far away
I'm sending you love in the tree every day
I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours
And I'm doing all right without
If you come around here in a couple of years
Hey Scout, I might come out

Baby it's not time to worry yet
Let's see how strong you can get
I know you feel so small
You're just scared, that's all
It's your time, it's your life
And if it's deathly dark
And there's a man with a knife

Remember I'm never that far away
I'll carry Jem home to you any day
I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours
And I want to scream and shout
When you come around here in a couple of years
Hey Scout
Hey Scout, I might come out

© 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP



PRETTY DAY

Driving through a storm
I learn to watch the signs
Learn to take it slow
Trying just to stay alive

A man gets used to lousy weather
A man forgets it can get better
Which is why I don't know what to do
With a pretty day, a pretty day like you

So when the rain stops falling
I don't see the sun
Keep my eyes on the road
And I leave the wipers on

A man gets used to lousy weather
A man forgets it can get better
Which is why I don't know what to do
With a pretty day, a pretty day like you

Love storms in, and love storms out
Clouds go on forever, and they wash me in doubt
The weatherman, never can, protect me from the rain
As I stumble from my shelter, tempting pain, once again
Tempting pain once again
Again

A man gets used to lousy weather
A man forgets it can get better
And now I'll have to see what I can do
With a pretty day, a pretty day like you
Oh I'll try to let myself enjoy the view
Of a pretty day, a pretty day come true
You're a pretty day, a pretty day, it's true

© 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP

CD #2
Mouthful, 1995

YER IN-BRED
A parody of "Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

My sister's new husband was also her cousin
They found out when she gave birth
Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers
It's natural selection in reverse

So what, caused, these flaws
Was it a lack, of, in-laws

Oh yer in-bred
One eyebrow across your head
When kin-folk wed
Yer in-bred

My sister's new husband, well pretty soon he wasn't
He split soon as he heard the news
So she found her another, married our brother
This family is so damn confused

Cause some-thing's, wrong when
You can count, to, eleven

Oh yer in-bred
One eyebrow across your head
When kin-folk wed
Yer in-bred

Oh yer in-bred
One eyebrow across your head
When kin-folk wed
Yer in-bred

© 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP



SO HAPPY TOGETHER
A parody of "Happy Together" by The Turtles

Imagine me and you, I often do
I think about it day and night, this isn't right
There's something that I meant to say, to say last night
When we were together

Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you)
No matter how you toss the dice, the number's three
I'm guilty of a crime that they, call bigamy
Rebecca meet Heather

I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife
I'm not single but baby I really dig you, just like my wife

Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you)
I think it could be twice as nice, just wait and see
The only ones for me are you (and her) and her for me (and you)
So happy with either

I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife
She's open-minded, I think she'll really like you, put down that knife

Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you)
I think you're over-reacting dear, just let it be
You know how nice a couple is, imagine three
So happy together

Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you)
I think you'll both get used to it, eventually
Just think of it as stereo, fidelity
So happy together
So happy together
Are you into leather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
So happy together
So happy together
So happy together
So happy together

© 1989 Steve Goodie, Scott Mosenson, and Andy Hirsch ASCAP



CHROMOSOME
A parody of "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon

When I think back on all the hair I had in high school
I have to wonder how I lost it all
So I looked it up, and it's maternally genetic
Which means my mother's genes have made me bald

Her chromosomes
Made my head nice and shiny
Made all my follicles so tiny
Make me wear a baseball cap every damn day, oh yeah
I got a nylon hairpiece
Like no one would notice that
Mama won't you take my chromosomes away

So now I'm sitting watching Geraldo at 2 in the morning
I know it's dumb but I just have to watch
And then he brings out this doctor who says
He has the cure for the follicly-challenged
Turns out he transplants hair from the crotch

It's better than a chromosome
Now I feel good and I feel worldly
Cause he re-attached all my little curlies
Now I can throw this nasty baseball cap away, oh yeah
This doctor is some kind of medical giant
He's not just the president, he's a client
Doctor came and took my chromosome away

Doctor came and took my chromosome away
Doctor came and took my chromosome away
Doctor came and took my chromosome away

Doctor came and took my chromosome
Doctor came and took my chromosome
Doctor came and took my chromosome away

Doctor came and took my chromosome
He moved my pubes to my chrome dome
Doctor came and took my chromosome away

Doctor came and took my chromosome
Doctor came and took my chromosome away
Okay...

© 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP



NED BEATTY
A parody of "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now
Go and get something I ain't never seen
And on the discount rack I see Deliverance
I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene
Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean
Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees
It's Ned Beatty
Beatty
Beatty

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars
I guess he didn't read, the script too far
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down
Oh I wonder how desperate he was
Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood
But I wouldn't ever let them tie me to a tree
Screaming and holding up my BVDs
And waiting for Burt to come and rescue me
Saying "Hey Burt!"
Hey Burt
"Hey-ay-ay!"

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star
I bet the next day, his agent got fired
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

Well, don't let him get you Ned
Don't let him next to you
Don't let him get you Ned
You know what he's wants to do?
Think of your mama, Ned
Put you through drama school
Is this what she had in mind?
You think she's proud of you?

Ned Beatty had the hardest part
He's taking method acting just a bit too far
Cause this ain't exactly, Shakespeare in the park
Ned Beatty had the hardest part

© 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP



60s MEDLEY
A parody of a variety of classic songs from the 60s

(Louie Louie)

Pretty much just mumble the words...

(Like A Rolling Stone)


Once upon a time I learned to rhyme
I can't sing a line, but you don't mind
Do you

(Aquarius)

When the moon, is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
That's when my dog, pees in every room in the house
Eats the trash, chews my shoes and chases cars
I drowned my poodle in the neighbor's aquarium
Neighbor's aquarium
Aquarium, aquarium

© 1990 Steve Goodie & Andy Hirsch ASCAP



LITTLE GERBIL
An abbreviated parody of “Oh Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison

Little gerbil, crawl on up my butt
Little gerbil, I hope you don't get stuck
Little gerbil
I'm just as horny as I can be
I shove little animals in me
(Forceps)

© 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP



LIKE A DOG

Could have sworn it was a pretty good relationship
But looking back I can see I was full of it
She may have been a real nice trip, but she treated me like a dog

From the time she took me off the street
And fed me and gave me a place to sleep she owned me
And it was pretty neat, but she treated me like a dog

She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head
But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead
She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down
Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around

So who was the dog, and was the master
I guess it depends on who you ask
But I’m here to broadcast that she treated me like a dog

Cause like a dog I loved to play
And like a man I made mistakes
And like the dog I was I strayed, but she treated me like a dog

She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head
But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead
She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down
Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around

She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head
But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead
She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down
Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around
Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around

© 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP



TEXACO
A parody of "Mexico" by James Taylor

Pull in here, or I won't make it too far
I'm on fumes, I need to get some gas at the Star
Pump is slow, takes an hour to fill up my car

Oh, Texaco
You're always self-serve, so I'm on my own
Now I smell like gas so everyone knows
I've been to Texaco

Teenage employee give me the restroom key
It's on a big block of wood and it weighs more than me
The men's room is nice, it was cleaned back in '83

Oh, Texaco
You won't check my oil, I don't know if it's low
But you'll sell me some Camels, you'll sell me some Skoal
Check the tires? I don't think so

Baby's hungry so I got us some chips
A couple beef jerkys and some onion dip
It comes to 30 bucks, put it on the credit card, times are hard

Oh Texaco
It's 3 in the morning and business is slow
The moon's so bright, and there's no cops in sight
Makes a holdup seem all right

Oh Texaco
I've never been to jail, but I think I may go
Oh I didn't know
You got me on video

Talking 'bout Texaco...
Next time I'll try Amoco...
Or Mapco, I don't know

© 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP



REDNECK
A parody of "Blackbird" by The Beatles

Redneck singin’ in the dead of night
Beltin’ out old Hank with all his might
All his life
He’s been chewin’ dippin’ spittin’ and suckin’ down Miller Lite

Redneck spittin’ in a paper cup
If he does it one more time I may throw up
He says, “Boy, say what?
I may be spittin’ someplace else, if’n you don’t shut up”

Redneck fight
Redneck’s white
“Say, let’s all get drunk and go harrass women tonight!”

Redneck pissin’ on the side of the road
And if he had the time, he’d drop a load
“But the damn ditch overflowed
Boy, back where I come from, all the world’s a commode.”

Redneck fight
Redneck’s white
“Let’s all get drunk and bash queers tonight!”

Redneck ridin’ in a pickup truck
Tryin’ to pick up women, but havin’ no luck
He says, “Hey darlin’, come here, let’s uh, you know…”
And if that don’t work out, he’ll try and get his sister for a buck
“But wouldn’t you know it darlin, my goddam zipper’s stuck.”

© 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP



IN A WAFFLE HOUSE
IN ALABAMA


I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama

It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?"
And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House

In a Waffle House in Alabama
I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her
And now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica
In the Waffle House in Alabama

I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't

In a Waffle House in Alabama
Wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

Soon after she'd taken it all and split
It seems that biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam
To truckers and bikers in Birmingham
"You want grits with that?"

I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
"Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike
or you'll end up..."

In a Waffle House in Alabama
You got what you deserve goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand new lover took all her junk
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

© 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP



THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR
A parody of "Thank God I’m A Country Boy" by John Denver

Well the life of a star is kind of laid back
You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks
Buy a big bus with a bar in the back
Thank God I'm a country star

It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun
Signing autographs and lying in the sun
Polishing all the gold records I've won
Thank God I'm a country star

Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles
And I'm putting on weight right around the middle
Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little
Thank God I'm a country star

When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low
I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more
And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow
Thank God I'm a country star

Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well
All my darn money had gone straight to hell
Brother thank God for Taco Bell
And Thank God I'm a country star

Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles
And I'm putting on weight right around the middle
Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little
Thank God I'm a country star

© 1990 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP



A DAY IN THE LIFE
A parody of "A Day In The Life" by The Beatles

I read the news today oh boy
About a running back who had it made
And though the news is rather old
I watch it night and day
Hang on every word they say

He stabbed her brains out with a knife
He didn't notice that his clothes were stained
He sort of tried to run away
He didn't get too far
Nobody was really sure if he was even in the car

I saw a chase today oh boy
This white Ford Bronco slowly led the way
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen him run before
Running through the airport
I'd love to turn you off...

Woke up, got out of bed
Put a knife inside her head
Found my way outside and caught a plane
And looking back, I think that was a mistake

Got a room, and had a drink
Washed the glove out in the sink
Found my way back home and got a gun
And Al came by and we cruised at 35...

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand lawyers squeezing O.J. now
And though their salaries ain't small
He'll have to pay them all
When there's a knife inside your wife, Bob Shapiro is the man to call

I'd love to turn you off...

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP



YESTERDAY (for Kato)
A parody of "Yesterday" by The Beatles

Yesterday
O.J.'s couch was just a place to stay
Now I'm the hottest thing to hit L.A.
Although I can't spell D.N.A.

Suddenly
I've become a big celebrity
I'm the idiot on Court TV
And there's movies being made for me

Why she had to go I don't know, and I can't say
But I'll get a starring role since Nicole has gone away

Yesterday
I was sleeping on a fold-away
I had very little rent to pay
Now people call me Special K

Why they love me so I don't know, it was effortless
Now I've got cash to spend cause my friends were knifed to death

Yesterday
I had nothing very bright to say
And that's pretty much the case today
And I'll ride this bulls--- all the way
Mmm mmm mm mmm mm mm mm

© 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP

CD #1
Self-Portrait Of The Artist
As An Angry Young Man, 1993

THEY ONLY FIGHT OCCASIONALLY

Bill and Joanne have been married a year
And they've made arguing a second career
He says they're okay, she says they're just fine
They just happen to spend some loud quality time

I can't believe you told everybody this outfit makes my butt look big!
Like they wouldn't notice!

They go to a wedding and just for fun
They show the newlyweds just how it's done
On Valentine's Day she points out his toupee
Bill says there's nothing like PMS every day

A funeral or Christmas party suits them all right
They wait for occasions to have a big fight
They don't do this at home, it's just publicity
Special occasion, special occasion
Well you know they only fight occasionally

Stop looking at the waitress.
I'm trying to order dinner, okay?
Oh, you always say that!

Joanne took the stereo out of Bill's car
So Bill reprogrammed Joanne's VCR
Joanne numbered Bill's faults, she made a whole list
We heard all about it at their son's bris

And my mother is moving in.
Not into my house.
Where do you think, the garage?
Where are you going to sleep?

Will they make up, I don't think they can
Not the way that jerk has been treating Joanne
Can they ever get along, I don't think they will
Not if that bitch keeps on nagging at Bill

Over in Spain when they have the bulls run
Or watching the total eclipse of the sun
They're a very very vocal minority
Special occasion, special occasion
Cause you know they only fight occasionally

We're getting rid of your cat!
And your bowling ball!
And your damn dog!
I don't have a dog - that's my mother!

It's so embarrassing, and they do this every time
I take it you bought stock in mastercard!
He always yells, she always whines
Take me to Miami!
Oh, that's original.


And we're learning so much more than we really want to know
She has a tattoo on her butt, his sperm count is low
is low
Joanne says all he likes to do is get drunk and hunt
alcoholic
Bill takes another drink and he calls her a... name

They go to a party and they have it out
From across the room we can all hear them shout
They air it out in public for everyone to see
Special occasion, special occasion
You know they only fight occasionally

You know I never would have married you if I'd known
you were going to blow up like a house!
Well it's the only house you'll ever have!
Hey, at least I've got a job!
You don't have a job - you work at a convenience store!
Well it's more than you do all day long! At least I make
enough money to buy you a mink coat!
My mother bought me a mink coat!
Well I would have bought the coat but your brother lost all
my money on that investment deal!
That is it! I'm moving back in with mother!


You know they only fight occasionally
On Groundhog's Day she lets us know he's a jerk
You know they only fight occasionally
On the 4th of July they drown out the fireworks
You know they only fight occasionally

© 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP



CLOSET HETEROSEXUAL

I met a girl, she played the saxophone
I told her I loved her, she told me to leave her alone
She played in one of those bars where men didn't come
I came anyway, I was just looking for fun

She said that she didn't like men
She said she was a lesbian
Now her friends said it was cool, some said it was mod
Some even called it avant garde

But I didn't care, I kept hanging out
She got one of the bouncers to come kick me out
Now the bouncer was mean, a three-day beard on the face
Six foot three, her name was Grace
But I didn't care, I couldn't take the hint
Because I was completely convinced

She was a closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked me
Closet heterosexual, heterophobic as can be
Closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked men
Closet heterosexual, cause being a lesbian was in

Well I came back unrecognized
Cause I was wearing a disguise
The saxophone player she had that look in her eyes
She bought me a drink and then she listened to my lies
She came home with me, but she wasn't what she seemed
Cause oh what a mess, under that dress my princess was a queen

Out of the closet heterosexual, he thought that I really liked men
Back in the closet heterosexual, too many roosters, not enough hens
Closet heterosexual, he ran out the door, and that was okay with me
Closet heterosexual, he threatened my masculinity

© 1988 Chris Chandler, Sukey Smith, and Steve Goodie ASCAP



IN A WAFFLE HOUSE
IN ALABAMA


I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama

It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?"
And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House

In a Waffle House in Alabama
I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her
And now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica
In the Waffle House in Alabama

I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't

In a Waffle House in Alabama
Wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

Soon after she'd taken it all and split
It seems that biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam
To truckers and bikers in Birmingham
"You want grits with that?"

I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
"Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike
or you'll end up..."

In a Waffle House in Alabama
You got what you deserve goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand new lover took all her junk
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

© 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP



BONEHEADS ON MY TV

There's boneheads on my TV
Ah-ooh
Boneheads talking to me
Ah-ooh
Their numbers have grown so fast
Who gave them license to broadcast
There's boneheads on my TV
Ah-ooh

There's Rush Limbaugh
Biggest pig I ever saw
With a hundred copies of his book on the shelf
Into my living room every night
Comes the fascist religious right
No one loves him more than himself

Rush thinks he's so darn important
An American Hitler, fattened and shortened
So seemingly omniscient
He isn't
He thinks being famous makes him significant
And smart and apropos
Oh no
But Pee Wee had a show too, you know

On my TV I would sooner
See old Morton Downey Jr.

There's boneheads on my TV
bop-sh-bop
Boneheads talking to me
Rrrrrr
I see them every single day
A lot of words, not a thing to say
There's boneheads on my TV
Ooh-la-la

And there's Geraldo
Thinks he's Phil Donaho
Interviewing hearing impaired lepers with Alzheimer's
Oy senor
He likes subjects with missing limbs
Never mind that folks throw chairs at him
They break his nose, and give him a nice shiner
La la la la

And there he is with the Ku Klux Klan
Proving he is such a macho little man
We're impressed
He picked a fight with Wizard Buford
What a weenie
And I didn't know just who to root for
Geraldo's face all bloody and gory
And suddenly Geraldo IS the story

That's the way to be objective
Keep your professional perspective

There's boneheads on my TV
Do-be-do-wah, do-be-do-wah
Yeah, boneheads talking to me
Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk
They're broadcasting stupidity
And making so much more than me
There's boneheads on my TV
What's on the TV, looks like a penguin

The local news is no better
Watch a dork in a cardigan sweater
Tell me about some murdered nuns
With witty jokes and pithy puns
And that pithes me off
There's ads for 1-900 women
A new diet from chubby Richard Simmons
A vacuum cleaner that cuts hair
A workout device that's just two stairs
Stay up late for A Current Affair
And Miracle Replacement Hair
Bob Vila is building a hot tub
And there's the Home Shopping Club
A medicine for heart attacks
Oh my God Rush is back

Boneheads on my TV
Bone bone bone bone bone bone head
Boneheads talking to me
Eh?
And here's what keeps them all afloat
There's no IQ button on my remote
There's boneheads on my TV
I'm so glad I got cable
There's boneheads watching TV
Shoo-be-do-watch, shoo-be-do-watch

© 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP



I PUT HER TOOTHBRUSH
IN THE MAIL


She just walked out, so I guess we're through
She moved in with another guy, that's my second clue
I'm not asking for a chance, I'm not begging or pleading
I don't want her back if she could do this to me

I don't need her, I can pull through
I don't miss her, I've got better things to do
I'm not calling, I'm not writing, I got nothing to say
She's gone and she's forgotten and she'll stay that way

I sold everything that she left, but some things wouldn't sell
So I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell

Dental hygiene is important, I'm not judging her morally
She never was too meticulous orally
Fire and brimstone are hard on your gums
And I know she's in hell, cause that's where she's from

But my postman, he didn't understand
He couldn't find a zip-code for the underland
I tried UPS, and Federal Express
They both did their best, with limited success

I threw away all of her makeup, and her worn out bathroom scale
And I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell

Now I don't mean to offend
But you never knew her well
And four out of five dentists recommend
That she go to hell

Go directly to hell, do not pass Go
Do not collect $200 a week out of my pocket


I heard from her last week, she says she's doing well
She's the first person ever to receive, a care package in hell

© 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP



VIRILE MAN

He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man
He looks just like a movie star and he's his biggest fan
The women come from near and far for Virile Man

He's a girl toy, and boy can he love
But sometimes he just can't get it up

He keeps his women in their place, in the palm of his hand
Or sometimes on his smiling face he's Virile Man

He can make love up to a minute
Minute
And sometimes that's even after he's in it
Are you in?

He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man

Oh, Virile Man

He can make love up to a minute
Minute
And sometimes that's even after he's in it
Was that a minute?

He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man

Virile Man
Virile Man
Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man

© 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP

Home