SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS Well, the government is best that governs least Until you need seven hundred billion dollars The commander in chief don’t care who gets fleeced When someone needs seven hundred billion dollars War is expensive, much more than peace And to keep bombing the crap out of the middle east And to keep the truth from being released They need about seven hundred billion dollars It’s a big pork pie, they want to eat every piece They’d like seven hundred billion dollars Wall Street’s sucking at the congressional teat Yeah they need seven hundred billion dollars Gotta keep those Halliburton wheels greased It’s expensive being the world’s police We’re still looking for Saddam’s WMD’s Now, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars please This guitar cost seven hundred billion dollars And I will stop playing if you give me seven hundred billion dollars Lipstick sales are on the increase Though the exact figures have not yet been released Those pigs are looking mighty pleased They expect something like, in the neighborhood of, give or take, seven hundred billion dollars See Wall Street says there is no doubt That without a little bitty bailout Everybody’s mortgage will explode At least that’s the story we’ve been to’d This kazoo cost seven hundred billion dollars This harmonica cost 5 dollars… but the holder cost $699,999,999,995… The welfare moms will feel the squeeze Every child left behind, cut off at the knees Can we feed our kids and buy ’em shoes at least? No, someone needs seven hundred billion dollars They need seven hundred billion dollars Not million, seven hundred billion dollars And this is the party that wants smaller government… Screw you guys, I’m going home © 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP (I'M THINKIN' 'BOUT NAILIN') SARAH PALIN The GOP nominee has picked his running mate She’s quite reknowned her one-moose town in her frozen northern state She’s as moral as they get, she’s Johnny’s special pet And as pissed-off as she makes me… let’s get one thing straight: I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, wanna do some humpback whalin’ As clever as she’s not, dang that girl is hot All that rhetoric she’s spillin’, gets me thinkin’ ’bout offshore drillin’ Evil turns me on, and that is one wicked hockey mom I’m thinking ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin Nothin’ gets me hotter, than polar bear slaughter As we wipe out every otter, with tons of oil in the water Put that former beauty queen in a Hummer limousine Add some vaseline, and send in the Marines I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, with her leather leggin’s flailin’ I’ve been screwed by politicians, but never with my permission And though her politics are chillin’, I find her booty thrillin’ I googled her today and I’m e-mailin’ To say I’m thinking ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin Sarah I’m hunting you, like the mighty caribou I bringing up my pipeline, you bring the harp seal stew (oh baby) I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin, I hear she likes inhalin’ And makin’ babies by the score, then sendin’ them off to war That policy reformer makes the planet much much warmer So I’m writing to inform her that I’d like to Desert Storm her And that means nailin’ Sarah Palin I don’t expect a politician to stick with one position But I really didn’t expect the Alaskan Inquisition (“Nobody expects the Alaskan Inquisition!”) She don’t believe in birth control, as she climbs my Gallup Poll… And I’m thinkin’ ’bout nailin’ Sarah Palin © 2008 Steve Goodie FRANK'S GARAGE So you’re in an economic pickle With your great big sports utility vehicle Can’t afford the fuel, can’t sell it Can’t trade it, what the hell you gonna do? I know a guy, he’s been turning wrenches for years You should give him a try, and yes, you can pay him with beer Come on down to Frank’s garage, bring him your big old motor He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you two Toyotas Forget bio-diesel and solar He’ll cut your SUV in half, and make two Corollas Tired of getting thirty gallons to the mile? Need something smaller than your domicile? that means your house Come on down to Frank’s garage, with that Hummer you’re so fond-a He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you two damn Hondas He’s got the tools, and a price you can afford He’ll cut your SUV in half, and make four Accords Gas is twenty bucks a quart But Frank don’t want you in no import See how many Mini Coopers he made Out of one excessive Escalade Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade Escalade, Escalade, Escalade, Escalade Come on down to Frank’s garage, with that big old Dodge Dakota He’ll take your freakin truck apart, and build you eight Toyotas Frank’s not out there hugging tree-es-es He’s cutting Navigators into Prius-es-es Frank once worked at the Hummer plant, but last year he got fi-red Now he turns two-ton Tonka tanks into tiny little hybrids Come on down to Frank’s garage, just east of Escondido He’ll take your SUV apart, and build you a fleet of Geos There’s no need to fret bro With a new Suburban and a case of bourbon, he’ll make you sixteen Metros Yeah come on down to Frank’s garage, it’s worth the wait in line Come on down to Frank’s garage, it’s two for one all the time Yeah come on down to Frank’s garage, are gas prices killin ya? Come on down to Frank’s garage, yeah you can run on one cylinder! © 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP OH THEY BUILT ANOTHER BOMB Oh they built another bomb, they say it’s better than the last It can kill a bunch of people, it can kill ’em really fast Now they need another war, to see if the bomb’s the best So they’re gonna pick a fight, put the new bomb to the test Are they gonna fight al Qaida, or the Iraqis What if they can’t find Osama We’ll go get the Sudanese, we’ll go get the Sudanese Oh they built another bomb, and they say it’s really good So they’re gonna have a war because they really think they should Can you see them marching down the street A foreign army that’s tough to beat Oh suddenly our bomb flies through the air And poisons the army, leaves the buildings standing there Using this bomb in war would be no crime Why we could kill the enemy a thousand times One shot and watch our revenues increase Oh Halliburton’s certain to end all peace Are we gonna invade Afghanistan, send our troops to foreign soil Hey, let’s have a war with Canada, wait, they don’t have no freakin oil, they don’t have no freakin oil Oh they built another bomb, and they say it’s really good So they’re gonna have a war because they really think they should It could be a police action, in some small unknown place Or it could be full-scale war, and destroy the human race © 1983 Gary Gordon NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK Oh, the white folks hate the black folks And the black folks hate the white folks To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week Lena Horne and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek It’s fun to eulogize the people you despise As long as you don’t let ‘em in your school Lena Horne is a singer, actor, and civil rights leader who was blacklisted during the McCarthy era. Sheriff Jim Clark of Selma Alabama beat and whipped activists for black voting rights. Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks And the rich folks hate the poor folks All of my folks hate all of your folks It’s American as apple pie But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans ‘cause it’s very chic Step up and shake the hand of someone you can’t stand You can tolerate him if you try This song is by Tom Lehrer, the great musical satirist who doesn’t satirize anymore. He says, “I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.” Now THAT is what I call tolerance. Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants And the Hindus hate the Moslems And everybody hates the Jews But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week It’s National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week Be nice to people who are inferior to you It’s only for a week, so have no fear Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year © 1965 Tom Lehrer FRIENDS ON MYSPACE Blame it all on Bill Gates, I don’t go on dates But online they adore me I swear I let my hair grow, I let myself go As I sit here in my underwear And I am not known, to wear fancy cologne Haven’t showered in three or four weeks No need for hygiene, as I stare at the screen It don’t matter when chatting with geeks Cause I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s The singles bar for basket cases There's no cover to pay, no, we just type all day Yeah I’m not big on face-to-faces I just sit here at home, and get so wasted Cause I’ve got friends with myspaces Well you start off with Tom, soon you’ll have a throng Of the friends all over the world Everybody’s a genius with a fifteen-inch... personality In this family of misfits and nerds Don’t need no fancy car, you can be quite bizarre Or stinky or nasty or short No teenagers allowed, though they show up somehow It’s a predator’s dang smorgasbord Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s So totally, like, yeah, the whole human race is Pimping out their page, I change mine every day Yeah I have zits and warts and braces That's why all my pics are cut and pasted Yeah I’ve got friends with myspaces Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s A big old fight, for my top-friend places They’re better by far, than friends who actually know who you are Yeah we don’t need to show our faces When the grid goes down, it might just erase us But till then I’ve got friends with myspaces Yeah I’ve got friends on myspace, it’s The singles bar for basket cases There's no dues to pay, we just type all day Yeah I’m not big on face-to-faces I just sit here at home, and get so wasted Cause I’ve got friends with myspaces © 2008 Steve Goodie ASCAP I CONFESS I know this girl who’s kind of whacked Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack And though I’ve never done hard time For her I admit to every capital crime Cause when I concoct some evil doings She leaps into lingerie She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing “Baby, did you kill anyone today?” Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness My lies always please her (lies always please her) Those heads in the freezer (heads in ze freezer) They give her a smile Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event She begs me to squeeze her (please squeeze me, oh yah) I’m a monster I guess I confess, come on let’s, get undressed Yeah, you know what I'm saying... all right... shut your mouth! If I say I robbed the liquor store She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more She’ll do whatever I tell her to When I say my library books are way way overdue And when I describe my five hijackings She dresses like a stewardess Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking And she fondles my hostages (hey!) Yes yes yes I confess I’m unscrupulous I’m no good, I’m trouble (nothing but trouble) I’m no Barney Rubble (who's Barney Rubble?) Now let’s hit the hay-ay-ay Yes I did it myself, not nobody else And the romance just doubles (give us a cuddle) I have sinned and transgressed Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter You yeah, you know what I like Now I may have gotten carried away When I confessed to killing both JFKs She looked suspiciously my way Til I said... “um... wait... not THOSE JFKs... I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins... You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team that you’re always making fun of?” Yes yes yes I confess, I’m so malicious I’m wicked and sneaky (twisted und sneaky) I’m twisted and freaky (tvisted und freaky) I’m your kind of guy Yes yes, when I confess, though it’s ficticious I’m no longer geeky (I'm cool, I'm cool) What a beast I’ve become But at least I’m getting some... I confess! © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP THANK GOD THANKSGIVING (ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR) Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Suddenly my family’s entirely too near And everyone’s remarried since the last time they were here Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Here comes Uncle Junior, with his brand new wife I’m not sure how we’re related, currently I think she’s my second cousin, on my step-mother’s side I better go ask Mama, about the family tree Mama’s making name tags on the front porch Cause our lineage, keeps getting rearranged We keep it all in the family, just as soon as we get divorced Makes it so hard to remember, everybody’s name Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Seems to me our family tree’s more like a family sphere How are we related, we have no idear Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Granny’s new boyfriend, now there’s a piece of work He’s Junior’s stepson by his first wife, it’s gross to watch them flirt My sister’s brand new husband, used to be my cousin Scott Out on bail from the county jail, long enough to tie the knot Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year When it’s time to see the family that I avoid all year It’s like filling up a trailer with three dozen Britney Spears Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Let’s take one more lap ’round the old gene-pool We put all kinds of fun in dysfunctional Somehow Grandpa got taller, and younger and skinnier Cause our hallowed family line, is anything but linear Hey Charles Darwin called He said, what the fuck y’all? Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Now I lay me down to sleep, and I pray “please disappear!” Junior’s in the next room struggling with his ex-wife’s step-mom’s sister-in-law’s brassiere Thank God Thanksgiving only comes once a year Cause mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here No Mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here Well mama don’t allow no evolutin’, she says it’s too dang high-falutin’ Mama don’t allow no evolutin’ ’round here © 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard CALLING DR. PHIL Now you’re gonna want to prepare yourselves for this one. Now… this is an intervention. Now you’re sitting there, with all your attitude, but there is no chicken in that tupperware. Pull your damn pants up. Now you got quite a mouth on you, Junior. Now how many children you gonna have out of wedlock before you realize that the TiVo has got to go? You need advice baby, oh so bad You need a doctor who gets raving mad Now… Don’t need no touchy-feely PhD You need the kind you find on your TV You understand where I’m going with this don’t you? They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) If I can’t cure you no one will (calling Dr. Phil) You are playing with your life, you understand that, don’t you? Do not judge me till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes wearing my wife’s panties. And even though I’m full of sh*t Thanks to Oprah I’m a great big hit Now… I’m on the air, there’s nothin’ you can do Now… It’s tough love until my face turns blue Now… You’re on your knees for my remedies You need an earful of my expertise Yes I know what your problem is The first step of the cure is, showbiz Now how’s that working for you? So call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I’m a bald Prozac pill (calling Dr. Phil) These kids depend on you and you are ugly as sin… if you don’t get that nose fixed no one’s gonna talk to you… I hardly want to talk to you. Ha. Now… They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I got an hour to kill (calling Dr. Phil) Now the Bible… which I have read… and underlined… as the Bible says, “If the cat’s juggling it does not a magic show make.” You think you’re the hottest thing since bologna came out of an aresol can. Now I got news for you. You think that I’m uncool, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I got news for you, I’ve been your age, I know what it’s like, my wife Robin’s got more sense. Now how’s that working for you? I’ve come home with my Easter eggs not in my basket if you catch my drift. Now these kids look up to you, Lord knows why, now you think you’re sitting there you got all the answers, now how’s that working for you? So call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) I got some crap to instill (calling Dr. Phil) What is the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is. The problem is two plus two does not equal Y. They call me (Dr. Phil) They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) Now I got my potatoes in a sling just like any other man. I got mad head-shrinking skills (calling Dr. Phil) Communication is the anti-biotics that will cure the clap of your marriage. You understand that? Now I guarantee you… Yeah, they call me (Dr. Phil) My wife Robin she makes me pee sitting down They call me Dr. Phil (calling Dr. Phil) When you have a relationship there’s got to be give and take Open my mouth and let it spill (calling Dr. Phil) You got to be willing to take a strap-on, you got to be willing to give up your… your…This little girl, she looks up to you, she’s depending on you for guidance. Now me, on the other hand, I’m looking at you for ratings. Now that’s just the way it is. Now, if you’re gonna butter your bread you got to know which side is facing south. They call me Dr. Phil. Now you know my wife, she ain’t putting up with it. I hardly put up with it. I hardly put up with me. Since I married my wife, whom I adore, I hardly put up with me. They call me Dr. Phil. They call me Dr. Phil. Well they do. © 2007 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP THE ROAD TO HELL Twice a year I swear, when I’m sitting in that chair I’ll brush and floss every day and night And every new year’s eve, I give the Lucky Strikes the heave Although I know, I’m gonna lose that fight No matter what I do, everything falls through Those promises are easy to make And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I’m working on a damn interstate Granny’s old and sweet, she needs help to cross the street And I’m really late, but I run her to the other side But when old ladies run they slip, now she needs a brand new hip And she’s suing me for attempted granni-cide No matter what I do, when I paddle my canoe I go round and round, I can’t get that sucker straight And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I’m working on a big damn interstate I’m a longshot, stumbling from the gate Hoping not to fall and break my own leg Cause the next shot I hear could be, in my ear No brand new hip for me, no it’s the glue factory The kindergarten called, said my kid was in a brawl She’s real cute but kinda violent Three classmates she had clocked, my chip off the old block So I doubled up her dose of riddilin, and I sent her right back in No matter what I do, my checks don’t go through Insufficient funds, no one gets paid And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions I’ve got myself a big damn interstate And it’s 200 degrees in the shade Yeah I’ve got myself a big damn interstate © 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard TELL MICHELLE Melvin McCrelmy, he called to tell me My old flame’s back in town Seems she’s been climbing the walls, been trying to call me Wondered if I was around Yeah Michelle O’Shay’s, the one that got away Oh I’d pined for her so long She asked Mel for my number, and my buddy he wondered Should he pass it on, and I said… Hell yeah Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle my cell (number) After all these years, she’s finally here, and I’m still under her spell Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell What’s the worst that could happen, if we start yappin’, I think it’ll go real well See my heart got broke, ten years ago When she left me for that dumbass John But then it seems that he, ran off to Waikiki With a whole ’nother bottle blonde Well she got some cash, from her ex-dumb-ass And now she’s moved back home to stay She’s looking to see, if she can still have me And I say a-okay Hell yeah Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle my cell (number) After all these years, I can buy her a beer, and give her my landline as well Hell yeah Mel, you may as well tell, Michelle my belle my cell What’s the worst that could happen, if we start yappin’, and wind up at the corner motel Then I said say Mel, brother can you tell, me How she’s looking after all these years He said it looks like she’s, put on a few lb’s Size twenty-three is how it appears From the look of it, she quit shaving her pits But her buzz cut looks just swell And I know you’ll get used, to those big old tattoos Even though they’re all misspelled Well hell, I yelled, Mel, why’d you go and tell, that jezebel my cell (number) I oughta bust your nose, bro’s before ho’s, hello? dontcha know how the saying goes Oh Mel, I yelled, how the hell could you tell, Rosie O’Donnell my cell So I got a new phone, to make her leave me alone But she Googled me too, sent me weird you-tube And it’s not gonna end, cause now we’re myspace friends She’s won’t let me be, she keeps I.M.’ing me So next time Mel, it’d sure be swell, if you’d tell Michelle “go to hell” And hook me up with your ex, I hear she’s back from Texas And I always had a thing for Danielle © 2008 Steve Goodie OUTSIDE THE BOX You know the way guys are, one thing on our mind And you’re kind enough to point it out all time So after a series of very long talks I’m trying to think, outside the box It’s the way we’re wired, we gotta work within our limits What you think of once a week, hits us every few minutes Doctors, lawyers, those guys on the docks We’re all trying to think outside the box Outside the box, that’s how I need to think Don’t let that ding-a-ling run everything To save a relationship that’s on the rocks I’m trying to think, outside the box You tell me grow up, this crap has got to stop It seems you’ve read every book, on the topic You said I have two brains, now it’s time to change And stop using the one that’s microscopic Outside the box, that’s how I’m s’posed to think I’m a lonely Zamboni, goin’ round the rink Man that ice is thin, and our love’s on the rocks So I’m trying to think outside the box You’re working so hard to get a rise out of me Baby, isn’t that a little contradictory I say hey that’s the way I’ve always been I’m still on the outside, looking in Outside the box, that’s how I need to think But my shrinky dink’s after your ba-dink-a-dink You claim we’re all the same, just a bunch of dumb shlocks So I’m trying to seem like I’m trying to look like I’m trying to think outside the box Baby, life don’t stink, hell I’m in the pink Still I’m trying to think, outside the box Yeah she wants me to think outside the box © 2008 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard LOWER THE BAR Earl stumbles into his favorite watering hole He's ready to celebrate his early parole He’s already pretty drunk, as he trips on the single step up Says, “hey that step wasn’t there last time I got plastered in this dump Did they raise this whole place Just to knock me on my face” You gotta lower this bar (lower the bar) Lower this bar (lower the bar) I’ll sue y’all if this leaves some kind of scar And I’ll make sure every last one of you gets fired You gotta lower this bar, lower the bar The girl sitting at the bar tries not to laugh He sees her and he thinks he’s got a chance He blindly finds his feet and he wanders toward her seat Gives a drunken wink, says “can I buy you a drink?” She giggles as she leaves Earl says, “what, you too good for me?” You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar) Lower the bar (lower the bar) I’m a fancy feast in a world of caviar And high expectations never got no one very far You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar If you repeat Earl’s morning mantra, you just can’t go wrong Today I will settle for whoever comes along You gotta lower the bar (lower the bar) Lower the bar (lower the bar) There’s always karaoke if you wanna be a country star I hear they need a tenor in the NASCAR Tabernacle choir You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar And have a little dip of Skoal when they’re out of Cuban cigars You gotta lower the bar, lower the bar © 2008 Steve Goodie and Shantel Adams HARRY SINGS HIS TRAGEDY This just in... the Darm Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who... Oh, well I’m frozen Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore And I cannot do a thing And I can’t believe my ears, oh how could it be worse What a horrible ending What’s Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor Just like his buddy Snape Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh… I’m frozen, thinking “How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you’ve frozen me Dumbledore No, Snape’s no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he’s Slytherin Haven’t you people ever heard he’s, working for Voldemort? No, he’s much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses? Oh, looking back Dumbledore’s been looking for horcruxes And recklessly depending on Snape Now it’s all so, bloody awful Got himself in a bad scrape Oh, watch your back If Draco can’t liquidate you I mean technically it’s gotta be Snape, right? Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein Now his job’s down the drain Harry! What happened? I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore. And he did? I can't believe it! I’m frozen, thinking Everybody’s always been sure that, Snape’s working for Dumbledore No, he’s no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry He’s Slytherin Haven’t you people ever heard there’s, Death-Eaters at the door? No, Malfoy’s destroying everything, where’s your defenses? Tom’s got seven personalities, oh yeah I’m frozen, thinking “How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape’s after you Dumbledore No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he’s really in the Order It’s confusing Maybe he’s evil maybe he’s not, is he working for Voldemort? Dunno, don’t know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve… Tom wants immortality, oh yeah © 2007 Steve Goodie A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HARRY This just in... Midnight mayhem at Hogwarts! Four known Death Eaters infiltrated the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, surrounded Dumbledore, and escaped after the crime... I read the news today, oh boy ’Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed Just can’t believe Snape’s quite that bad Thought he was on the righteous path Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff He blew his boss up with a wand He’d made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange That's pronounced, "La-strawnge" Vowed to cover Draco’s derriere So he whacked old Dumbledore Though nobody is really sure we’ll never see his face no more They’ve made four films to date, oh boy Though the books are great, I find the films okay If I were smart I’d turn away But I just have to look Having read the books I can’t believe… he’s… gone… This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was... ...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in. Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we? Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off? Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really! Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say? So this is my fault is it? Woke up, got out of bed Felt the scar across my head Found my way downstairs where the floating cups Had been conjured up and hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha) Found my wand and grabbed my broom Felt my wizard life resume But the whole thing just went up in smoke I’m under my cloak and I just want to scream Ah… Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working. So, I'm not professional, is that it? That's not what I said... Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness... Veronica... that makes me a non-professional? No no no... I see what's going on here! Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all. I most certainly will. Yes, I expect you will. What is that supposed to mean? Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on... It made the news today, oh boy Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here And though I was there to see him fall Now Hagrid won’t let me look I won’t really know what happened till I get to read the final book I can’t believe… he’s… gone… Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot... Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot." No Martin, I looked it up. Are you sure? Oh quite. Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who. It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful? I can't believe you! Voldemort... I -- you are despicable! Wizengamot. I've never worked with such a lunatic! Voldemort. Voldemort. Stop it! Stop it! I hate you! Voldemort. I can't work like this! Voldemort. © 2007 Steve Goodie |
THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn’t meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. © 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT ME There’s one extra-special person who’s always there for me My rock, my inspiration, oh it’s true The one who stands beside me, lifts me when I fall I owe it all to someone, and that someone is… me Where would I be without me I’m the only one who’s never let me down you see From the moment when I wake up, till I lay me down to sleep I’d like to say thank you… thank you to me You know life can be so busy, we never find the time To tell the ones we love the way we feel Now I can’t let that happen, I won’t wait till it’s too late To take the opportunity to say… Where would I be without me I’m the only one who’s always there, indubitably I get spurned and burned each time I’ve turned to cold humanity I’d like to say thank you to me There’s just one set of footprints Behind me in the sand I used to wonder what that meant But now I understand Where would I be without me No need to inherit the earth, I never want to be that meek If God helps those who help themselves, hey holy crap that’s me! I just want to say thank you, I’d like to tell me thank you Just want to say thank you… thank you to me This is a big shout out to yours truly… I love you man! And I will always love me I light up my life I am so beautiful to me © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is… I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me… She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Now I know I’m no virtuoso Yeah I know there’s those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I’m gonna let her Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw! My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’ And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin © 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF When I called collect to say I’d wrecked her new Beemer, my baby was cool And she didn’t get ticked when I went and picked the wrong kid up from school And she didn’t get bent when I gave her best friend’s rear end a little goose But one time I left the seat up, man did I get beat up, I mean all hell broke loose You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it night and day The big things may perturb her, but it’s the little bitty ones that’ll blow you away Set the house on fire, blow out all her tires No need to perspire when you do But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna muddle through When I ran over, the cat with the mower she said “one down and eight to go” And she let me slide watching Girls Gone Wild, hell she helped me figure out the TiVo When I said “you look as good, as an old lady could,” well she handled that just fine But find a crumb on the sofa and it’s Girls Gone Postal, yeah she just about lost her mind You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it all day long The devil’s in the details, and that’s where you’ll go wrong Space her birthday out, flirt with a girl scout Don’tcha worry about that goat But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna stay afloat She stood before the TV, blocking out my bigscreen Saying, “Do I look fat in this dress?” Just then we scored a touchdown and I nearly knocked my beer down When I jumped up and screamed “yes!!!” You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, that’s what it’s all about The devil’s in the details, and he likes to watch you sweat it out Bring home an STD, hey, BFD Don’tcha see that’s forgiveable son But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna get along Fill her porcelain tub with your homemade drugs And she’ll clean up the meth (oh yeth) But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, it’s a point that really can’t be overstressed Unless you want your Hummer repossessed She could lop off what you got when you’re undressed So don’tcha look at any other lady’s chest © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP I NEED A PARKING SPOT I got a job in LA, and I don’t want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet (it’s called a Geo) But then an hour I waste, cause there’s no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, L.A. Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away (at owner’s expense) So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar (Nope, it’s handicapped) I can’t disregard the blue wheelchair It’s asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won’t even let me idle This town is one big parking lot So why can’t I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I’d love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, my God it’s a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot © 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP I OPENED UP MY HEART (AND MY BRAIN FELL OUT) The first time that I saw her, I fell down on my knees I wished I’d tied my laces, I wished my wine and cheese Had somehow stayed upon my platter, like the other party guests’ Instead of splattering her pretty dress She helped me to my two left feet, through my apologies She smiled as though merlot is just what every Prada needs I said, “You just can’t make tea anywhere, I mean take me anywhere No what I mean to say, is have we ever met tefore bidet?” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I used to be so smart, so what’s this all about I’m suddenly a simpleton in a flood of fear and doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I babbled on and on and on, and on until she said “You’re just too cute,” she touched my cheek, and I felt my face turn red She said to me, “Do you believe in true love at first sight?” I said, “I think I well I guess yes sure I think I might” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I could not find the part that controls my motor mouth If she thought me a simpleton, I removed all doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out We decided to take a walk, and leave the noisy crowd I tried to keep my witless words from coming out, out loud But the more I said, the more she grinned, and it occurred to me Could this be the way love’s supposed to be? She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out Now I’ve gotten smart, for ten years just about I’m still that love-struck simpleton, that she can’t live without She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out © 2006 Steve Goodie & Don Henry ASCAP YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH ME He can give you a big fine house to live in He can give you fancy clothes and jewelry He can give you a brand new car, each day of the week And that’s why you’re better off with me He can take you to all of those exclusive parties He can give you stocks and bonds and security He can give you everything, your mama says you need And that’s why you’re better off with me He can dress you up like a fairy princess He can show you how to act and how to speak (and how to think) He can make you the pretty picture perfect, trophy of his dreams And that’s why you’re better off with me He’s safe and he’s solid I’m loud and I’m squalid He’s the perfect gentleman But can he let you win at Scrabble without letting you know he let you win? Can he give you real love and real passion Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? That’s why you’re better off with me Can he give you real love and real passion (I don't think so) Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks (That guy? Uh, no.) Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? (Ha!) Well that's why you're better off (Ha ha!) Well that's why you're better off with That’s why you’re better off with me Yeah, sorry about that... © 2007 Steve Goodie & Tim Panyard ASCAP WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG (TO RECORD A 3-MINUTE SONG) I’ve written the world’s greatest song, I put my whole heart in it It rhymes so good, and like it should be it’s precisely three minutes So why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Just turn the microphone on, I want to record my damn song I’d like to walk on in, say hi, hello, and then cut the chatter, get the show on the road Would it be an imposition, would it be so tough, to have the headphones working and the mics set up? Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I’ve been playing three chords all day long, I just want to record my damn song Now the band knows the song, and they’re playing along Can we please punch in if I get a note wrong? Or maybe I’ll keep it simple, just guitar and voice This song’ll go platinum, but I gotta record it foyst So why does it take so long, who’s running the board, Cheech and Chong? When we’re done you can fire up that bong, but first I’d like to record my damn song Now everyone’s got a studio in their basement But do they know a thing about microphone placement? And computers are great, I love integrated circuits But I don’t want to wait, while you learn how to work it I got a question: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Um… One! Oh… Why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I’ll have grandchildren before long, I just want to record my damn song I’m so proud of my song, and I want the world to hear it But waiting for pro-tools to boot up, I kinda lose the spirit It’ll get lots of airplay all around the nation Once you figure out the plug-ins in your new workstation Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Another hour of my life gone, I want to record my damn song © 2005 Steve Goodie ASCAP TAKE IT BACK Uncle Junior’s getting married, it’s a big surprise to us (Jack) We’re invited to the wedding, and we need new clothes ’n stuff We ain’t got no money, since Daddy got hisself fired (Jack) But you can bet your ass we got a tank of gas and a brand new credit card, and we’re go ing to WalMart, they got all the crap we need They got weddin’ clothes and panty-hose and everything’s going for free, see We’ll whip out that new Visa, with the thousand dollar limit Then we’ll bring this crap right on back in half a hillbilly minute They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid They’ll credit our credit card, nine hundred ninety-nine That we spent on the big event, until we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We went and spent like the government, until we changed our mind Okay, we need six green tuxedos, a croquet set, sixty pounds of potato salad, a bigscreen TV, two outboard motors, twenty gallons of barbeque sauce, a case of Metamucil, a jet-ski, twelve sets of thermal underwear, the Hank Williams Jr. box set, four pogo sticks, a set of lawn darts, a six-foot cheese log, and thirty-five pounds of paprika… See Wally drove Mom and Pop, right out of business Let’s hit him where it hurts, hey can I get a witness There’s nothing wrong, with making the field level If you’re gonna screw someone, hey why not screw the devil, and go to WalMart, hang onto that receipt Take back the dress with the gravy mess, yes that’s their policy On Monday morning, everything’s gotta go back Is it so wrong to return the thong, that’s been up Junior’s crack (Jack) (Uh, maybe… oh well) They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they’ll roll back what we paid They’ll credit our credit card, before we’re late this time We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We spent it all, had a big ol’ ball, and then we changed our mind See, this is Uncle Junior’s fifth or sixth or seventh wedding… he tends to change his mind too… so this time we’re giving him a Chia pet, a set of plungers, and a big ol’ box of laundry detergent. Mazel tov, Junior… tag her once for me! Cause just like Wally’s customers, Junior tends to change his mind © 2007 Steve Goodie and Tim Panyard ASCAP LOVING HER (IS LIKE PLAYING AT THE BLUEBIRD CAFE) Well I finally met, the girl of my dreams She’s so lovely, but around her I’m a moron it seems My mind freezes up, when she’s looking my way And “b-duh, b-duh, b-duh, b-duh” is all I can say See I get nervous, and I get anxious, I get the jitters, and what’s more This feeling is a feeling, I’ve felt once before There’s just one place where I go to pieces this way And that’s on the stage, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage With everyone starin’, I’m a bear in a cage I forget all those clever things I meant to say Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café I panic, I get manic, I stutter, and I shake I forget my own name, and I hear my voice break I palpitate, I perspirate, and I lose my toupee Just like open mic, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage My tongue gets all tied up, it will not disengage The lights are so bright, my brain’s a soufflé Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I hope for a smile, and her kind endorsement But after three minutes, she calls law enforcement There’s millions just like me, all waiting their turn Why should she choose me, when she’s got Dan Bern? She’s got Schuyler, she’s got Knobloch, for a buck she gets Schlitz And golly, there’s Dolly, with her great big… hits When she is nearby, I’m suddenly onstage I bravely step up, she says thanks, now go away I forget every rhyme, and each brilliant cliché Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I forgot the three chords that I practiced all day Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café © 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP STAND BY YOUR VAN A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette Sometimes it’s hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing’s gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We’ll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We’ll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van Four-wheel drive’s so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You’re one fat-assed American So stand by your van © 2004 Steve Goodie & Sylvia Mulholland ASCAP THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR A parody of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star © 1990 Steve Goodie & Sukey Smith ASCAP |
THE NASCAR SONG Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that’s the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we’re gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn’t meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that’s the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It’s just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain’t English Lit, you don’t gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you’re going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc. © 2007 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP SHITTY LI'L LOVE SONG Well I don’t believe in Santa Claus, I’m doubtful about God Although I pray I’m wrong And I don’t believe in perfect happiness a lot But I believe perfect misery comes along And I don’t believe in the tooth fairy I don’t believe in goblins and spooks But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Well I don’t believe politicians tell the truth Even when they swear they do But I believe they’re a little bit like me and you So their representation is true And I don’t believe all I read in the paper I often scoff at what I peruse But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you, yes I do I don’t believe decorum is always the best thing do to But I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you Yeah I believe in love and all that shit And I love the shit out of you I love the shit out of you © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP THINKING OF YOU Well she caught him red-handed with a Waffle House waitress Sneaking out the of Holiday Inn She sat on his car, pulled a .38 pistol Said look who’s been cheating again He said it may look like cheating in a manner of speaking But in once sense I’ve still remained true Cause I’m not really sure it counts as cheating If I was thinking of you Thinking of you, thinking of you My lips might have wandered But my heart has always been true, always been true I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you He said, I was thinking about your sweet loving ways How you always say live and let live I was thinking about your love of the good book How it says we should forgive Well just like old Adam learned a lot from one apple I’ve learned my lesson this time Cause I couldn’t resist her, but each time I kissed her It was you I was with in my mind I was thinking of you, thinking of you Seems to me that ought to be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you How can it be cheating if I was thinking of you Well she thought for a moment, and she pointed the gun At his new custom chrome GTO She put five rounds through the hood of his car And said honey, would it help you to know I was thinking of you, thinking of you If I heard you right, that should be Comforting news, comforting news I was thinking of you, thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you Yeah when I pulled the trigger, sweetheart I was thinking of you © 2004 JR Russell ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie HER SIDE, HIS SIDE This is the story of a relationship as looked at from two different perspectives… her side and his side. I’ll be playing both parts tonight, thank you very much… with a little help from the Heimerz. Anyway, this is her side… We both were searching for someone new Someone to count on and lean on too And we bumped into each other And angels sang, and it was beautiful And this is his side… We met in a bar, man I was loaded She had a car, and a major credit card And she said… I swear it was an epiphany of sorts And fireworks really went off And Romeo and Juliet were unromantic sorts Compared to us And then he said… We met in a bar, man I was loaded I bought her a beer, she bought me a hundred Well loneliness is desperate and desperation messes with your mind And the path of least resistance will lead you to the least every time They met in a bar, the dice were loaded Cause drunken hearts don’t know what they’re doing They met in a bar © 1993 Ty Hager ASCAP THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES DADDIES NEED TO DRINK Well the one that looks like me is banging on the pots and pans And the one that looks like her is swinging from the ceiling fan And the one that looks like trouble just dumped his ant-farm on his bed My youngest son just ran outside with his diaper on his head And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Cause little boys amuse themselves in ways you’d never think And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink My daughter has a boyfriend who’s living on our couch My wife lets him right back in each time I throw him out She says he reminds her of the way I used to be But I don’t remember bragging ’bout a string of felonies And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Girls go from dolls to derelicts quicker than a wink And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink I bet meditation or a beach vacation could mend my shattered nerves Maybe I’ll have time for those someday But I need something for those moments like earlier today When my wife said we’ve got another blessing on the way And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink That’s why sometimes daddies need to drink It’s just our way of celebrating when that little stick turns pink And that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink Yeah that’s why sometimes daddies need to drink © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP GRANDPA'S DEAD Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I got some news I thought you ought to know Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed Maybe you should play croquet instead Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you And no one else really likes you that much And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy... Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa! I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up! He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Like I said, Grandpa's dead © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP SEAL PUP She took my Encyclopedia Britannica She took my hair gel, she took my golf clubs She took my self-respect, my dignity, my will to love She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my favorite pornography Sure miss that DVD, since she left me She took our wedding pictures and she tore ’em up She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup Well she took the very life from me while we were skating on thin ice Cause love can be a hockey stick, hits you smack between the eyes And leaves you there to die She took my stereo and my TV Left me with her high infidelity She took my car keys, Grandpa’s cremation cup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out, beat it like a seal pup She took my heart out and beat it like a seal pup © 2007 Ty Hager & Jim Blodgett ASCAP NEVER NOT Well without you wonder with you I’m sure But I’m never not thinking ’bout you Wherever I wander whatever I do I’m never not thinking ’bout you I stumble around like I got something to prove But I’m never not thinking ’bout you I mumble aloud, I got nothing to lose And I’m never not thinking ’bout you Sometimes insecurity makes me believe That you’re not never not thinking ’bout me I’m just your toy, your little plaything You’re not never not thinking ’bout me What do I do I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you Am I a fool I’m never not never not thinking ’bout you, yeah yeah How could this be You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me I’m going crazy You’re never not not never not thinking ’bout me Never not not never not thinking ’bout me Never not not never not thinking ’bout me And I’m never… not… not… never, never, not… thinking ’bout… you Yeah I’m never not thinking ’bout you © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP HE KISSED HER LIPS I didn’t think I would see her again, after he stole her away But I recognized her the moment she bent over that Shoney’s buffet She turned to me with a tear in her eyes And she told how he kissed her sweet love goodbye He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I pulled her close without saying a word, though I felt like the butt of a joke She dropped my heart in a bottomless pit, she was my handful of hope Still I’m not too proud to sneak through love’s back door If I get to hold what I’ve been longing for He kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I swallowed my pride and my anger While she went back for rump roast and beans I took some comfort as she walked away Cause that end justified every means Oh he kissed her lips and left her behind for me I don’t know what he was thinking when he set her free He’s gonna miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me Yeah no one could miss the side of her I get to see Since he kissed her lips and left her behind for me © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP HANDLIN' MY MANDOLIN I’ve played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It’s a sad sad circumstance, you’ll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it’s sad… until tonight, that is… I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She’s watchin’ me watch her dance in those pants she’s in… she wants me… She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Even when a girl’s a good ’un, she might do some things she shouldn’t She’s like a tiger in a zoo who’s busted through her cage… meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She’ll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin She’s on the Trace Adkins diet, I’m a-gonna have to try it She’s a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Now I know I’m no virtuoso Yeah I know there’s those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I’m gonna let her Cause she’s scramblin’ to be handlin’ my mandolin… yee haw! My pickin’s finger-lickin’, and she done come ’round sniffin’ And I’m betting you would love the shoes I’m standin’ in Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin And later when we’re alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I’m handlin’ my mandolin © 2007 Steve Goodie ASCAP FUGLY She’s quite a bit heavy but don’t care about looks She dies her hair blonde but don’t care about roots She don’t give a damn about you or about me She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She don’t shower much, she don’t care about stinkin’ She’s driven many a man to quit drinkin’ After waking by her after a drunken spree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she’ll give you a smile ’bout three inches deep She goes for weeks without brushing her teeth But she’ll only smile at your misery She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly Well she’s midle-aged lonely, and she’ll stay that way Until she gets older and uglies away If she’d look at life different she could be happy Instead of F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’ll make you think real hard ’bout celibacy It ain’t just her looks, even blind men agree She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly She’s F-U-G-L-Y, fuggin ugly © 1999 Ty Hager ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP PAIN The slamming door broke his nose As his tears fell her laughter rose But she's not completely heartless She slid some tissue through the mail slot She said, "If you ever come round here again I'll have you hurt, I have some friends Who will happily break every limb that you got" Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore She yelled out the window, as he got to the street "Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly" And she tossed it to him But eleven floors can rearrange And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain Which he took on the chin Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain Lost love hurts, but blood stains He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders how long the swelling will remain He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again The papers arrived today She's charging him with pain and suffering He's starting to think she don't love him anymore © 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP COWTIPPING Smokin’ embers at the bottom of the bug lantern Got me thinking how it used to be When I could spark that old flame in your eyes Well tonight you’re gonna see a new romantic side of me I know a quiet place out in the country Perfect for a moonlit rendezvous Hand in hand we’ll go running through the pasture While I whisper softly to you Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on cabbage blossom, this ain’t no time for playing possum Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me It’s easy as 1-2-3 push Aw, doesn’t that sound romantic honey Just you and me and another box of wine… Well sugar dumplin’ you’re being awful quiet But your eyes could burn this trailer down I guess you’re fired up for a big night in the barnyard I’m only sorry that I waited till now to say Hey honey baby, I was hoping that maybe You’d come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me Come on sweet potater, we can fuss and fight later Come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me I think all we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me They say there’s romance in gazing at the heavens They say there’s romance in whispering in the dark I say there’s romance in you and me together Running for our lives after hittin’ the leather All we need is one good shove And we’ll fall right back into love Come come cow-tipping in the moonlight with me © 2005 JR Russell ASCAP SEVEN SHALLOW GRAVES She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA In my former best friend’s arms, now in seven shallow graves The parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree And I forget just where I set what remains She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves Well the parts close to my heart are by my window in the backyard The part that wears my ring’s buried by lovers’ lane The part that dreams sweet dreams of me is ’neath our special tree And her cheatin’ heart’s at my late ex-best friend’s place She was in my heart, she was in my soul, she was in my every day She was in my best friend’s arms, now she’s in seven shallow graves She was in my brain, she was in my blood, she was in my DNA Now some guys are diggin’ me a pretty shallow grave Yeah, they seem real pissed at me ‘’bout those seven shallow graves, yeah © 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP PEDLEY We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me And you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee Know that you look like a chimpanzee My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance And I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Ned Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down Well I wonder how desperate he was Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood But I would never let them tie me to a tree Screaming and holding up my BVDs Just waiting for Burt to come and rescue me Screaming "Hey Burt!" (Hey Burt) "Hey-ay-ay!" Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part © 1995 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP OUR BOY AND BUBBA Well we had us a little baby boy Our bundle of love, our pride and joy You know we’re just as happy as can be Now he’s crawling ’round the house And I don’t mind not goin’ out There’s just one little thing that troubles me He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact You and me are white, our boy and Bubba’s black Well our friends ain’t too much said a thing And your folks said well I’ll be And my folks ain’t ever been around Well now your folks say that’s the key It’s one of those skips a generation things Well I ain’t found their reasoning too sound He looks like Bubba, your friend you said was gay He looks like Bubba, well I guess the world’s a stage He’s got his eyes, he’s got his smile, and you can’t deny the fact Once you’ve been with Bubba, you ain’t ever goin’ back Yeah he looks like Bubba, more and more everyday He looks like Bubba, well I guess I’m on my way Now it ain’t like I ain’t got a plan, now the truth has set me free I’m gonna move in with your sister You know her little girl looks a lot like me © 2002 Ty Hager ASCAP |
ARE WE THERE YET? We’re going off to Grandma’s, it’s a seven-hour drive It feels more like ten million, don’t think I can survive We’re barely out of town, I’m already bored to tears ’Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes I’m strapped in my seat, don’t wanna stay in it I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago Man, the time is going slow Are we there yet? My sister Peggy’s teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me “We’ve got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely” We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states That’s a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy’s hair, a sneak attack Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes Why can’t Grandma come to our house to visit I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago My rear-end’s just about killing me, so Are we there yet? Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy’s reading it to me While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows Then Dad says, “Hey, what do you know, I do believe we’re here!” Now we’re here – yes! Dad stepped on the gas No more miles, no more minutes There’s a swimming pool! I’m gonna jump in it I hope the time’ll go real slow Now we’re here I don’t want to go I’m gonna play and play and play all day We’ll stay here till I’m old and gray Let’s buy up land, Dad whaddaya say We’re here, we’re here, we’re here! Finally! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM Mom says my room’s a horrible mess Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room I love my mom but I don’t dig her When she yells, “Pick up all of those action figures!” Much easier said than done Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with ’em Power Rangers, swords and zords Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor Legos and gameboys, right over there I see my favorite old missing teddy bear Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom “Listen here, young man,” Mom calls up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “Don’t forget to pick up all your underwear!” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Now mom is cool but she needs to chill Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill For parachuting down or hiding all day Why would I ever want to put it all away? Power Rangers, swords and zords Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what’s that My one-eyed toad with the sailor’s hat Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom There’s a giant inflatable dinosaur A great big Simba with a great big roar All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer A life-sized poster of Dumbledore I got puzzles and models and games galore It’s like someone blew up a great big toy store With all this cool stuff out on the floor Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes… I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “What in the world’s going on up there?” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “If that room’s not clean by the count of three I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key” “That sounds great mom!” I say thankfully “We’re real good friends, my mess, and me” Power Rangers, swords and zords Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, white cats on the prowl Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute? I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want your fruit I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit I don’t want your fruit I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HE’S A BULLY I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules When he gives me those noogies, I don’t stand a chance He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance He’s got me so nervous, I can’t relax And I’d rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, and there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep A big old bully, just a big old bully Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect And all the other kids laugh so they won’t be next He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, yeah there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep Big old bully, just a big old bully Well I got so sick of being afraid I told my mom and my dad and the teacher’s aide I should have done it sooner but I just didn’t know That there’s people who can help when a problem grows So we went to his house, my Dad and me We met the whole bully family The bully was quiet, so was his mom His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me That this big bully gets bullied at home And I wished his dad would leave him alone I started feeling sorry for the bully And I stopped being scared of the bully And I said, “Hey! Mr. Lewis! It’s okay… You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends… What do you think, Bill?” And Bill looked at me… and he actually smiled a little… And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis… And then…Mr. Lewis smiled, too… and it was kind of… cool Now I can walk to school and I got no fear I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we’re Not so different, not really different at all We can both get scared, and I don’t need to call Him a bully Now he’s one of my peeps He doesn’t call me names, he doesn’t give me the creeps I call him Billy And when we walk down the street We’re buddies, good good buddies Yeah we’re buddies, good good buddies Everybody, meet my new friend Billy... © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP NOT ME There’s someone causing trouble, whoever can it be When Mama wonders who’s to blame I always say “Not Me” “Are you sure it wasn’t daddy who left Elmo by the tree? Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me” “Who left the front door open? There’s a stray cat in here” “It could have been the wind though I admit it’s awful weird” “And who left all these lights on, that’s a waste of energy” Let’s start investigating, Ma, ’cause I know it was Not Me There’s two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV “Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?” It’s another big old myst’ry, ’cause I know it was not me “Who left the bathtub running? I’ve got soap suds to my knees Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me? Who’s been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine” It’s sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me There’s two words I’m repeatin’, Not Me Not Me Not Me These two words can’t be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me There must be an imposter, he’s got shirts that look like mine A familiar face runs ’round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly “Are you the one responsible?” I swear it was Not Me No he’s the one who done it, he’s the one to blame He’s the offending party, and you can ask for him by name He’s the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me He’s the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably Most assuredly… Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I’LL BE GOOD I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter’s coming in Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin’ Hey don’t you want to take me, the life of the party who’s tons of fun What do you mean I don’t know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin’? I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I swear I won’t be a problem, won’t do nothing wrong Won’t be loud and crazy, please take me along And I promise I’ll eat the stuff on my plate I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say Dad says, “Remember that day at the diner, When they were out of what you wanted to eat You screamed, ‘what, no strawberry ice cream?’ And banged your fists and stomped your feet” “Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad Thanks for that memory” “Well, we did not find it amusing Everyone staring at your mother and me” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t spill soda, won’t have no conniption Don’t need no babysitter, don’t need no prescription I swear! For the rest of the day I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say “Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t throw my salad, won’t throw no tantrum Won’t be obnoxious, oh please don’t abandon me I know how to behave I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say For the rest of the day C’mon make my day © 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP LITTLE SISTER (OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU) Every day I do, lots of different things I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings I like whatever new stuff, every day brings But my little sister’s in a rut Jessie gets one thought into her head And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again Can’t she say anything else instead She’s gonna drive me nuts, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears I think I’m gonna just go nuts It’s a snowy cold day, we’re stuck inside She’s repeating those words and there’s nowhere to hide If I only knew what the heck she means then I Might not be coming unglued I give her all my playdough to distract her And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers What am I going to do Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears Ooly gooly baka hu, it’s all I hear I think I’m gonna move to Zimbabwe Mom says “It’s just a stage, she’s gotta go through Let’s try to teach her something else, something new” I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo Any animal will do Dad says “she’s just like a broken record,” and then I say "Uh, what’s a record? And how do they break?" Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says “Lima broka mekker too” Lima broka mekker, it’s different, but then she says Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears She’ll say the same old thing for three whole years Lima broka mekker Aaaahhhhh!!! I think I’m gonna go nuts You’re driving me crazy! Would you stop doing that, please?! Mom!! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP REFRIGERATOR ART We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint And we’re slapping it on with very little restraint Teacher says we’re great artists, yeah we’re the very best But when I take it home to Mom, that’s the real test Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top And when we open it up, another piece drops So we’re up to our ears in my genius Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge I got a tin can and a piece of string And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting And with all this junk I create my masterpiece We’re gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Where my collection is complete and unabridged I filled up the door, above, below, and in between Inside and out, we can’t open the thing Seems someone’s more interested in art than food storage So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets Refrigerator art, Mom can’t get enough Of all my beautiful stuff Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen She’s showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds She’s got tears in her eyes, she’s so dang proud The other mothers smile at what they’ve been shown Cause they’ve got the same stuff on fridges of their own If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, it’s so fully saturated With all the masterworks that her little boy created So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP QUITCHER WHINING! I’m bored… I’m really really bored I’m so bored, it’s not even funny I say, “Mom… I’m bored!” And she says, “I’d love to help you honey” But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s suppertime, and Mom’s serving up the food And Jessie’s plate isn’t quite as full as mine She says, “Mom! I want more!” And Mom says, “I’ve told you a thousand times” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s Saturday, and Peggy’s friends have come to play And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide She says, “Mom! Where’s my purple bathing suit?” Mom says, “That’s it, everyone inside!” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath I say, “Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?” And Mom says, “Why certainly!” When you’re polite with me, it makes me want to do Just exactly what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Ask politely! And quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! And be polite! Before I get mad… and maybe throw something… And that would be bad… so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining! © 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP I JUST WANT TO HELP Well it’s time for me to start helping out around the house I can polish silverware cause I’m a big boy now So I’m standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains Mom says, “Don’t push that button!” “Oops, spoon down the drain” “No… is there something you can help your father do? I’ll be clearing this disposal all afternoon” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can lean on me Why don’t you sit down and rest for a spell I just want to help I just want to help Dad’s in the driveway, fixing the car Hey, I’ll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h’yar And I’m pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing It splatters ol’ Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding That’s a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming And I, I just wanted to help Dad, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can count on me I can help you do that job so well I just want to help Yeah I just want to help Vacuum cleaner’s in the corner, Mom’s on the phone She’ll be so surprised I did this big job all alone Wow! What was that? “Oh my, oh lord” Our vacuum just ate our computer cord “Steven, be a dear, and go out and play If you help me any more, I’ll be here all day” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m not living in no hotel I just want to help Yeah, I just want to help And I appreciate, and your attitude is great But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself What?? But I, I just wanted to help You shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m reliable, can’t you tell I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED It’s 9 o’clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away “Brush your teeth, wash your face,” that’s what they always say “Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz” But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you All the cool stuff happens at night I’m in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch I’d rather be wearing daddy’s shirt, hanging out on the couch “All my friends stay up late!” I’m pleading my case But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you Bedtime is for boys with no life Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin I say “let’s stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon! Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk” That should keep us busy till two or three o’clock I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’m not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y’all And I’m really not sleepy tonight I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’ve been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway Why don’t we play Monopoly all night? “Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?” With my flashlight and a comic book, I’ll read under the covers I can’t believe I fell asleep, they’re shaking me awake Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break! I don’t wanna leave the bed, I don’t wanna leave the bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s nothing to do, I don’t wanna go to school I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed my whole life © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP |
STEVE THE PIRATE When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to Steve But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship he could find no relief for his back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage I shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortunes did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve/me He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave me some filing to do Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck! By the end of the week all his mateys could tell My career as a pirate wasn’t going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss me too much if I drowned Thanks, fellas... Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and yet more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though my plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort He washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s Arrr! Arrr! Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’ When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’ Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and even more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... © 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie GO FORTH MY SON Go forth my son, there's work to be done It's up to you to lead us in the new millenium So learn well the lessons that history has to teach And follow the examples of our forefathers Go forth my son, like George Washington Put powder in your wig and wear wooden teeth And sire illegitimate children, and stand up in boats And get your picture on a quarter Go forth my son, like Abraham Lincoln Drive yourself to work in a luxury towncar And every year on your birthday, put consumer electronics on sale And live in a cabin made of tiny logs America is a great big country With many fine stores open late It's got pizza and cell phones And fraudulent elections I'd have to say America is great It's an excellent place to be an American So let's all give a rousing cheer Of God Bless America, it's the land I call... here So go forth my son, with stalwart conviction An accident of birth has made you an American So always fight for what you believe in, every now and then And good luck tomorrow on your history exam © 2001 Andy Corwin SOMEBODY ELSE GOT TO BE JIMMY BUFFETT I'm just a middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-roader Trying to do the best I can do I got a fiberglass boat with an Evenrude motor I named her Margaritaville II I got a closet full of shirts that are covered in parrots My belly hangs over my belt Sometimes I get to thinking that it just isn't fair It's a rotten hand of cards I've been dealt When I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett I'm just a white-bread parrot-head wannabe poet Hoping for a night on the town I drink way too much tequila, but you would never know it Until I throw up and fall down Oh my head starts to swimmin' when I try and meet women I become a slave to my fears I guess you could say I'm horizontally challenged I haven't been laid in two years I have this recurring dream I'm on a tropical beach Out beyond the continental shelf But as the palm trees sway all the women ever say Is why don't you get drunk and screw yourself? Oh and when I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife She just told me to stuff it Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett Somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett © 2001 Andy Corwin HOW COME YOU AIN'T DEAD YET There was magic, there was music, there was quiet tenderness You said you couldn't live without me, and you sealed it with a kiss You spelled it out in poetry, how much I meant to you And if you had to live without me, whatever would you do? Whatever would you do? Well, if what I hear is true You're doing Billy, Bobby, Barry, Larry, Fred, and Bubba too You said you couldn't live without me, like Romeo and Juliet Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet Life has not been fair to you, I know the struggles that you've been through And the responsibility you've lived up to, so little time, so many guys to do But just think, if you were dead, how great my life would be My lawyer tells me I'm your sole beneficiary You said you couldn't live without me, and it's touching to see such a devoted bimbette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet You broke your glass slipper, but don't worry Cinderella You got thirty days to die or it's me, that's gonna kill ya I wouldn't be missing much, especially in the bed From what I can recall it might be better, if you were dead You said you couldn't live without me, I hope you wreck your new Corvette Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet © 1992 Steve Goodie THE DOLLAR BILL SONG She took a dollar bill from her wallet, she picked up a fountain pen She wrote down the words 'I love you' next to the picture of George Washington She took the dollar bill to the grocery store, and bought herself a chocolate cake She gave the dollar bill to the grocery man, and she went back home to wait The grocery man gave the dollar bill to a fat guy from Baton Rouge He spent the bill at the hardware store on a box of flat-top screws The hardware store gave the dollar bill to a customer named Clive Who, by the way, is the son of one of the original Dave Clark Five He spent the bill at the laundramat, they gave it to a lady named Fran Fran's youngest son stole the bill from her purse and went to see Star Wars again The movie theatre guy spent the dollar bill on a subway ride uptown Three minutes later the bill was in the pocket of a gamblin' man named Brown Brown blew the bill in a poker game, he was fishin' for an inside straight The dollar went home with a man named Jones who was sitting on a pair of eights Jones took the bill to a savings bank, the teller's name was Dan Dan gave the bill to a customer named Rabbi Finkelman Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there Anyway the Rabbi spent the bill on a ham and cheese to go They gave the bill to a guy named Phil who gave it to his best friend Joe Joe had planned to spend it on some flowers for his bride But he was mugged by a junkie named Doug in the parking lot outside Doug's old lady spent the bill on a couple o' cans o' beer She eventually becomes a very famous poet but that don't matter here The liquor store guy put the dollar bill in his register but then Doug the junkie said "Stick 'em up" and the dollar was his again Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there He gave the bill to a girl named Jill who gave it to a girl named Flo She gave the bill to a real short guy whose name I do not know He gave the bill to another short guy who gave it to a guy named Jake Jake took the bill to a bar 'n' grill and bought himself a sirloin steak Well later that day I happened to say "Think I'll stop by the bar 'n' grill" The cashier counted out my change and handed me the dollar bill Well I ran to a phone and I dialed in her number as fast as my fingers could do I said "Baby, I just got your message" I said "Baby,I love you too" I said, I am with you all the time I can hear you loud and clear Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there I said, baby, you don't need no dime, you don't need no subway fare Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there Yes you know I will be there, baby I'm with you everywhere © 1990 Andy Breckman IF I WAS YOU If I was you I wouldn't stay with me, I'd have left me back in 1983 I'd have headed straight for Nashville Tennessee, if I was you, I wouldn't stay with me If I was you I wouldn't stick around, I'd hop aboard the next bus out of town Change my name to a different proper noun, if I was you I wouldn't stick around No I would not stick around for more abuse I'd throw my hands up and say what's the use I call up all the airlines for a schedule of their flights And get myself a stylish set of matching Samsonites If I was you I'd leave me right away, I wouldn't stick around for one more day Instead of turning prematurely gray, if I was you I'd leave me right away Oh I'd leave me right away oh yes I would I would take this opportunity to stick it to me good I would hastily embark upon a long-overdue journey Leave the nasty details in the hands of your attorney If I was you I'd kick it into gear Cause you ain't gonna find what you want here But before you go would you get me another beer? Thanks darlin! If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't If I was you I wouldn't stay with me © 2001 Andy Corwin MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND She's a real type-A, and she's over-insured Her favorite castaway, is Thurston Howell the Third She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise I can be her lover long as I downsize My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Friday we go liberal-bashing She's got the supreme court, tattooed on her rump Beside an autographed por-trait of Donald Trump And from the day I checked her out from front to back I knew her private sector could take up the slack My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every Sunday we go Medicare-slashing Oh baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast You're having the spotted-owl omelette, whites only Come on baby, bust my union, raise my interest rate, light my library fire She only deals in quality narcotics and guns She's got a Mexican wallet made from real Mexicans My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion My conservative girlfriend, every summer we go wilderness-slashing © 1995 Roy Zimmerman PASSING TRAINS A man is riding on a train, he's heading south, it starts to rain He hums a soft and sad refrain, he thinks he'll never love again On the other track a train, is heading north, through the rain A woman looks out her window pane, her life has been a lonely game Well, the two trains pass, they're moving fast Faces flicker past, for half a beat Their two eyes meet, and instantly they both can see That they were meant to be Yes it happened just like that, it hit them like a thunder crack Both of them had seen the answer to their dreams, passing on the other track So at the next stop he gets off, a love like that should not be lost He takes the next train heading north, he does not know she's done the same So they pass again, for half a beat Their two eyes meet But something's changed, it's not the same Now they can see they were not meant to be Well she knew someday it would have to end She wonders can they still be friends All the plans he made, all begin to fade As she disappears around the bend He will never, he will never be the same Deep in his heart she will remain As he hums a soft and sad refrain He thinks he'll never love again What do you think? I think he's gonna love again And again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again and again and again © 1990 Andy Breckman THERE YOU HAVE IT, THERE YOU ARE I been slipping on banana peels since I got out of bed Running round in circles till my face turns red Falling out of windows, landing on my head It's a miracle of science that I ain't dead Ain't no use, hey can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's kind of hard to believe that I made it this far There you have it, there you are I been stretched like a rubber band, strung like wire Pumped up and punctured like a bicycle tire Last time I checked, my hair was on fire My car got broken into by the tabernacle choir Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me You'd have to admit that it's kind of bizarre There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are Now I don't like to make a fuss I say let the chips fall where they will But I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus Rolling a great big rock uphill I been stapled to a chicken and thrown outdoors Chased by ravenous dinosaurs Hit by several meteors I just ran out of metaphors Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me It's downright irregular There you have it, there you are There you have it, there you are © 2001 Andy Corwin IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House In Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't" Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike Or you'll end up In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie |
A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp Harry! Did you hear? They’re going to have the Tri-Wizard contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your name in the hat? Oh, Ron, you know Harry’s much too young to enter that. Hermione, this contest’ll be the greatest thing ever! What do you say, Harry? I’m sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and the Goblet Of Fire… Hermione! You’re positively… ...and Harry has more important things to think about, like whether Voldemort is actually back… He made the team, and boy it was a good one When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer But with the fourth year came a new competition When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in He didn’t want to play, but he’s playin’ anyway Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one And then he had to swim, that’s what the second task required But that maze was bad, it went on forever And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he’s in Portkey in the maze, took him so far away To Voldemort’s soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire Ah, Harry… I expected you’d find your way back to me in time… My Lord, there are two boys! And now there is one… for the moment… I have risen again… Yes my lord… welcome back, my lord… Silence, faithless cowards! And now… Harry Potter… you will finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago! Expelliarmus! Avada Kedavara! You’re doing just fine Harry… Hold on, Harry… He fought the good fight, though no one believes him There’s no celebration, no they call him a liar ’Cause a champion’s dead, though Harry retrieved him Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who’s among the graves Goblet Of Fire, still workin’ his evil ways Who’s to say the way the monster got away He keeps on gettin’ bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, Moody’s been in his trunk Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter’s some kind of ladybug Nobody’s who they say they are on their resumé It’s all on Harry’s shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire Dumbledore, surely you don’t believe that this boy actually saw He Who Must Not Be Named? Not only do I believe him… I know that Voldemort has returned! You are just stirring up trouble! I’ll have your job for this. I’m not finished with you yet, Harry Potter… © 2005 Steve Goodie DUDLEY'S CRYIN' A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt… I never liked the look of you. Why don’t you straighten your hair? You’re a freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that wand away! That’s no fair! He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary It made him feel so mad… Stop it! Stop! No! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley’s pretty large, all right He’s all beef and cheddar Eats everything in sight Holy cow, he’s a heifer He thinks he’s real clever, yeah yeah He’ll pick on any little kid whatsoever He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds Till his clothes explode altogether Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don’t understand I’m not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You’re not allowed to use that wand outside of school… Hey – hey! You’re not supposed to – Please… not the wand… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Don’t hurt me! I’ll let you eat your own dinner, I swear… and you can play with my Game Boy… and read my comic books… He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah And he’s got no manners whatsoever He says mummy, isn’t it Christmas-time Cause he knows she’ll buy him whatever Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Ouch! That hurts! You’re mean! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’... Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I don’t want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please Harry! I’ll give you back all your books, and I won’t snoop in your room anymore, and I’ll tell Father to let you eat at the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I’ve grown another tail! That’s two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C’mon, we can talk about this, can’t we? There must be something you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah? Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my dinner? She can’t have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it! Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW! All right, she can have the dessert too… Can eat one carrot? I can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble and grateful for my carrot. © 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins ROWLING MUST DELIVER A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I’ve read every Harry Potter book at least five times! I’ve seen every movie ten times! Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman? Duh! And it’s pronounced “Rolling…” It is not! It is too! Why do they only release these books at midnight? Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books when it's our turn! I’ve read every book in the series ’Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron But Rowling don’t write ’em, nearly fast enough I need a lot more c’mon c’mon c’mon Young readers keep returning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver You take way too long to complete ’em I’ve read all the old ones a hundred times And I’ve seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see On the 16th of July I’ll be the first one in line New stories keep on churning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book! Virginia, I never said that… I said… Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione! I got me a wand and a broomstick And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head Now Rowling don’t you worry, you don’t gotta hurry But you’re forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead Big pages keep on turning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver © 2005 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, “I quit this household” And I laced up both my shoes But he said “you’re not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care If you rot away in your room” But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised ’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I’m gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can’t believe it’s coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff… He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort © 2005 Steve Goodie THIS DUDE RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I met him on the train that takes the kids to school This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he was just sitting there Yeah, he had this bright red hair And he didn’t care where I come from This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He told me that he’d heard of me since he was three This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron But he didn’t mind that I was a celebrity This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he treated me good Yeah, just like a best friend should And we’re both here in Gryffindor This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron I swear, I can’t decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron, or if you’re the bad influence on Harry! Maybe it’s you, Hermione… did you ever think how much happier we’d both be if you quit nagging us to study? C’mon Harry, let’s go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again! One day when we were talking on the castle lawn This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Draco started making fun of Ron’s poor mom This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he tried to pick a fight And I was right there by Ron’s side, until Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron... Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there? Oh Ron… he’s just a boy… Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance. That’s what it says in all the papers… now we have several celebrities amongst us… © 2005 Steve Goodie MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em think that they run everything Just because of their old wizard blood Most wizards are easy to love, but some of ’em ain’t Most of ’em are tons of fun, but some’s a big pain Great big old egos and cold evil eyes You can’t trust a thing that they say If his name is Draco and he’s walkin’ by You turn and you just walk away Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let ’em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts Let ’em be Weasleys and Grangers and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born They think they’re superior, but they’re woefully misinformed They’re cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side They’re rotten old jerks to the core For more on the subject, might I suggest You check with their pal, Voldemort Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be creepy belligerent thugs Let ’em drop dead, is that asking too much? Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys That old Hogwarts school never saw such a... © 2005 Steve Goodie HERMIONE / FLY A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, but she’s got an awful lot to say Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, and she’ll be a witch someday I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yeah And someday I’ll write a punchline Harry Potter, feels a little strange As he’s been growing older He’s a wizard, which his family hates He knows he’s so out of place Then Hagrid came a-calling Took Harry off to school Now he’s got a wand and And best of all, he can Fly Soaring up above the school so fast and far away He can fly Forget about his suffering and his muggle life That boy can fly Cause it’s his time Time to fly Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else You’ve got Ron and me, Hermione, now And when you study, you study magic spells So much better than history now The Quidditch Cup is calling Can you win for Gryffindor? You’re younger and smaller But you can take it all Fly You know you’ve got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play You can fly Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly And far and wide your name is known It’s the price you have to pay For beating Voldemort years ago You fought him better than anyone else Harry Potter, how your life has changed Don’t you feel ten years older Take a minute, try to acclimate Let go of yesterday Fly… Soaring up above the school so fast and far away You can fly… Forget about your suffering and your muggle life That boy can fly Fly… Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly Harry Potter, feels a little strange © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad? Eight thousand and twelve. Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a ton of money! You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Come on Charlie… let your father rest… Charlie came from nowhere, you might say Couldn’t afford no chocolate bars, no way Every day, just cabbage soup While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes He says, “Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side” He says, “Hey Dad, that Wonka’s a wild guy” Happy birthday, Charlie! Thanks, everybody! Here’s your present, Charlie. Is it chocolate? You know it is! Go ahead, open it! Okay… wow! Candy came to Charlie just once a year With nuts! Though every day he walked past the chocolatier “I gotta get a break,” he said “Gotta get my grandpa out of bed” He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside” And the little folks go, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp… Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa? Charlie, I haven’t been out of bed in twenty years… So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay I don’t even have any clothes! Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee There was chocolate here and chocolate there And there’s Grandpa Joe in his underwear He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side” Welcome everyone! Look Grandpa! It’s just amazing, Charlie, isn’t it?! I want a grandpa, Daddy! Augustus is just floating away Oy… And Violet has become a blueberr-ay Mike is on a little TV And Veruca’s a real bad nut indeed They said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey honey, that Wonka’s a wild guy” And the little folks say, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp… Grandpa, I don’t think Augustus should be drinking right out of the chocolate river like that… No, Charlie… I think he’s going to wind up swimming. And right after eating! That can’t be good. And what about that little girl who’s the size of a house? I think she bit off more than she could chew. She sure did! Do you think Mike will be all right? He’s so small now. Sure, a little TV exposure never hurt anyone. Look at Gary Coleman. © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WONKA GOLD A parody of "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day Chocolates! Cream filled, caramel covered marshmallow fudge delights! Toffee, peanut brittle, lollipops, bubblegum, everything you want, right here! What’s the matter young man? Don’t you like chocolate? I’m just a lonely bloke, my parents got no cash, we’re always broke Got my Grandpa Joe, but he just lays in bed, and we’re skin and bones I can’t afford no sweets, there’s little chance that I will overeat Until one lucky day, a ticket comes my way, and it’s Wonka gold It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka gold It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me Marshmallow tarts’re among the things I’m eating Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry Till I found Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, Wonka On the assembly line, Oompa Loompas work the overtime They’re only two-foot-nine, and they all work for me cause I’m Wonka gold The other kids declined to follow rules and read the warning signs They went one at a time, and oh I’m still alive, and I’m Wonka gold I’m Wonka gold, I’m Wonka gold I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me My fellow kids are gone and barely breathing Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry But now I’m Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka Where have all the children gone? They all disappeared, Mr. Wonka. All of them? Every last one? All except Charlie – he’s still here. Why yes, indeed he is! Four bad little children, and one very good boy. And you know what that means, don’t you? What, Mr. Wonka? What does it mean? You really don’t know? Why, of course… how could you know? It means you win! Veruca was a creep Like Violet Beauregard and Mike TV Augustus fell in deep And I’m the one that’s left, thanks Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me We followed most of the rules and now we’ve beaten All kinds of rotten kids who need reminding That I’m on Wonka’s throne Grandpa Joe, did you hear? I’m going to run the factory! That’s right Charlie! It’s a miracle! Look, Charlie… it’s all yours… everything you see… the Chocolate Room, the Chocolate River, the whole factory belongs to you. All the oompa loompas will be working for you. Everyone in the world will know your name, and your chocolate. You see, I couldn’t trust an adult to take it over… adults ruin things. I needed one very good boy, a boy I could trust to do things my way… and that boy is you! © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo VERUCA A parody of "Luka" by Suzanne Vega Famed chocolate-maker Willy Wonka has announced that he has placed five “Golden Tickets” in candy bars sold around the world. The lucky finders of these Golden Tickets will win a tour of his mysterious chocolate factory, and a lifetime’s supply of chocolate. Daddy! Daddy! I want a Golden Ticket! Get me a Golden Ticket! A golden what? A Golden Ticket!! A Golden Ticket!! Stop being so stupid and get me a Golden Ticket!! NOW!!! My name's Veruca I am your superior I live uptown from you You’ve seen me in my Halston before If I want something night or day I ring a bell and I get my way It doesn’t matter what I want Daddy buys it, nice and prompt Yes Daddy gives me what I want I think I’m quite almighty I don't have to fight the crowd Daddy tells me I'm his princess I get stuff when I get loud I throw a fit and scream and cry Eventually he will comply He just don’t argue anymore I want the whole stinkin’ candy store So he just buys me more and more Daddy! I want an oompa loompa! Yes darling. No! I want five oompa loompas! Yes darling. And I want a chocolate waterfall, and a pet squirrel, and I want gum that tastes like a five-course meal but doesn’t turn me into a blueberry, and I want a whole garden made out of candy where everything is edible… Yes darling. I heard Wonka say Five kids would see his factory So Daddy told his every employee To find a golden ticket just for me You see I plan to reign supreme So “Daddy Daddy Daddy!!” I shriek and scream Just don’t sit there, dawdling Daddy call the limousine Just go buy me everything My name's Veruca And you are far inferior I have declared that you Will do my will and bow to the floor If you have something I don’t got You hand it right over on the spot Just don’t ask me what it’s for It’s not your business anymore Just keep on walking, there’s the door I throw a fit and whine and pout And scream, “Oh Daddy I want it NOW!” You just don’t argue anymore I want the whole stinkin’ candy store You just don’t argue anymore I want it more Give it to me, give it to me, baby I want it now, now now NOW! Give it to me! I want it, I want it! I want a squirrel Daddy! Buy me an oompa loompa! NOW! © 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins THIS FUDGE A parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5 Hey, who’s that kid? Dunno… I’ve never met him… He doesn’t have any sweets. That’s his bad luck, isn’t it? Shh… here he comes… Hi guys. Hey… I heard all your grandparents sleep in one bed. Is that true? Yeah. Really? See? You owe me five quid. I was so poor I never could afford The treats down at the candy store The chocolate I was longing for Then Mr. Wonka made the world aware Five lucky, lucky kids out there Would get a huge reward This fudge obsesses me totally I’ve been denied too many times before And there’s one golden ticket that’s haunting me But I can’t find it, cause I don’t have no cash at the store Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh For my birthday I got chocolate For weeks I barely nibbled it To conserve what I adore Oh, but this year I went ahead and wolfed it down Then I found a dollar on the ground I turned around and got two more… and… This fudge has a ticket of gold for me It says that I will get the Wonka tour And my eyes are popping right out of me And I will rejoice, I’m not a passerby anymore Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh Don’t really understand How I got to Wonka-land There’s Oompa Loompas all around (All around, all around) I’ll go full-speed ahead Get Grandpa out of bed Today’s the day, they say Willy Wonka’s giving everything away This fudge maker’s giving control to me He says he’s tired, he wants to hand it over And my head is spinning with disbelief Could I be the boy, who’s gonna run the factory, yeah This fudge is gonna belong to me He says it’s mine, it’s too much to absorb And my heart is jumping all over me I said, "okay, I guess I'll take this candy store" This fudge obsesses me totally I’d been denied too many times before But this golden ticket stunt just paid off for me I’ll be the boss, and I won’t have to cry anymore © 2005 Steve Goodie STEVE THE PIRATE An original song about a hypochondriac pirate Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve. Steve wanted to play pirates with his friends, but he was sick all the time, and he couldn’t play. So he vowed that when he grew up, and he wasn’t sick anymore, that he would become a REAL pirate. But as fate would have it … When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship I could find no relief for my back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage he shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me. Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortune did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess. If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave him some filing to do. Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swap the poopdeck! By the end of the week all me mateys could tell Me career as a pirate wasn’t going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss him too much if he drowned Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out you’re allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though me plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort Steve washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all me pirating to MP3s Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’ When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’ Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... © 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie SACHIO A parody of "Domino" by Van Morrison All right... here's a little R & B, a little soul, for this cool kid I know, named Sachio... You might just be the world’s best kid And your age is about to change You been two for a whole darn year now And now you’re in pre-school range But there’s no need to go hiding out You’re so much smarter than the rest And man you never need to worry About being first or being best Oh oh Sachio You’re just turnin’ three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio I hope this song is appropos I don’t know I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio Yeah, pretty cool riff, huh? Yeah, that's my favorite part of the song so far. But wait! Here comes another verse! You got so many friends You got James and Nick and Abigail and that’s not all And if you haven’t heard from me in a while You just give old Uncle Steve a call (Check with Dad first) I’ll be over in two minutes We’ll watch Scoob and Shaggy and the whole gang And if we get all loud and crazy, hey, man That ain’t no big thang (Check with Mom) Oh oh Sachio I can’t believe you’re three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio Seems just last week you were an embryo I don’t know, where's the time go I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio I just wanna, I just wanna, I said I just wanna come over and play with you Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Ah ah all right Ah ah all right All right, yeah, yeah, Sachio, could you show me how to work this new video game? I cannot figure this out at all. I must be -- I don't -- oh man, you win again! You always win, so smart! I can't play with you no more. Well, maybe later, after the trumpets play this thing here. Now! One more game, real quick, before the song ends. Okay, go. Ready. Oh wait, wait, hold on, ,oh, you win again! So smart... I don't know where you get that... © 2005 Steve Goodie BIRTHDAY MUNKY An original song about my pet munky! Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, I’m three and he is too He likes to eat his birthday cake and fling his birthday poo Scooby Doo’s his favorite, he likes to chase the ghosts He likes to dance in underpants and dig around his nose Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling your poo! Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana My munky knows karate, I go to movies free And if somebody won’t shut up he kicks some munky butt Oh I’ve got a birthday munky, won’t take him to the zoo He’d rather spend my birthday kicking butt and flinging poo Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick his butt! Birthday munky fling it! birthday munky fling it! Fling your favorite birthday poo Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, he’s got a microphone He goes to karaoke and does "Like A Rolling Stone" He buys a round of pizza, some pretzels and root beer And when he's done his diaper's on somebody else's rear Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Fling your poo © 2005 Burpo & Steve Goodie |
QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? Yes, it is! Right, our new celebrity. There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I did - it's amazing! I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Gerroff! Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team in over a hundred years! That's amazing! You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries! Oh dry up - he's not so big! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor! I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good... © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo IT SAW HER STANDING THERE A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far, Mr. Potter? A-one-two-three-FOUR! Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts... it is much too dangerous! Well there's a snake, slithering Below the girls' latrine And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh Cause it saw her standing there You see apparently, my friend Hermione Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair So I took a chance, way down under, oh Cause it saw her standing there Serves her right! Shut up, Draco! Well my heart went boom, when I found that room And I held my hand over my eyes Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle. AND I'm Lord Voldemort!! Oh I stabbed two snakes that night Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh Till I saw him standing there You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes. Ready with the firework, then, Harry? I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out. Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders! Oh really? Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast, you might not like spiders very well, either. I suppose not. Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom But then that red bird landed just in time Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?! Oh the whole thing worked out great And now Hermione's wide awake And before too long I'll be a full wizard I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh Cause I saw it standing there Dobby is free! Oh since I saw it standing there You lost me my servant, boy! Yeah well since I saw it standing there Thank you Harry Potter sir! Dobby thanks you and thanks you! Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter... Oh yes! © 2001 Steve Goodie HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic! Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life! Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor! Malfoy, you're such a piece of - Ron! And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic! Draco, you son of a - Ow! Yeah, Hermione... nice one! Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand © 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA Shrek 2 Version A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin, and I will never go broke, a ha ha! I was a pop sensation I sang this song back in '99 But then Shrek 2 swept the nation And I got left behind Girls used to scream my name out Ricky please autograph my page But now a donkey's got my gig And a cat's got me upstaged Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous! I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down All because of that stinky ogre With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City With my back against a wall Where's my house, where's my money That green ogre got it all Way back in the nineties I was at the height of fame But someone ruined my career And now I'm naming names Bandaras is to blame Come on! I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red As that ogre gets in-vogue-er The money has run out I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to beg to date me And they'd hang around backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I 'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimoda With cash flow in the red I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit... All right, that's it - get out of my office! I would look so good with little furry ears! No, get out! Here kitty kitty kitty... Corolla Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house © 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE My girl has a moose on her bike He’s a little brown puppet that she really likes And they ride along, together everywhere Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy And I never ever thought I’d be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but.... I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it’s true I want to be that moose I want to be that moose If I could be anything I choose, I’d be that moose That little moose has it real sweet Cruising right down each and every street Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that’s right And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh… I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Gotta find out how they were introduced I want to be that moose I want to be that moose I hope I don’t sound obtuse, I want to be that moose Well one afternoon I saw him crying Down by the moose lodge Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike No he’s never ever gotten beyond the garage So I think I’d rather be me than him Rather be me, rather be me Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she’ll ask me in, no no no… Don’t want to be that moose Don’t want to be that moose Cause living on a bike, well, what’s the use Don’t want to be that moose Don’t want to be that moose I’d rather be a platypus, than be that moose Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose © 2002-2004 Steve Goodie BEDWETTER A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley! Oh great! I hope she's having a good time. Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom... this place is full of rats, and there was a tornado last night... please come get me! I'll clean my room every day, and walk the dog... They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home Get on the bus, bus comes to camp Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!! Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do the dishes and vacuum the entire house and practice the piano... Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat © 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP SARA I know this girl who’s real real cool She’s the star of the neighborhood and soon the pre-school She’s friendly and cheerful all the day through Everyone likes her, and you would too That’s Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you’re my friend too She won’t yell in the house, she won’t throw her stuff She gets real real quiet when Mom says, “That’s enough!” And everybody wants to be her friend I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again That’s Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you’re my friend too Sara’s the best, with the best little dogs One named Toby and the other named Roz She’s cuter than a potato knish She takes care of Sachio and a fish named Fish She loves SpongeBob, and Aladdin makes her giggle Loves Lilo and Stitch, ha ha, and The Wiggles With Trinity and Annabel and Tommy and Max And Lila and Denise and Christina and Daniel Hey that didn’t rhyme, I bet you noticed that I guess you better bop me with a wiffleball bat No no, wait, don’t do that! Don’t make Daddy mad Bopping people with a wiffleball bat is very bad And Sara knows that, cause her mudda and her fadda Would rather she smile and say, Hakuna Matada Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you’re my friend Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you’re my friend too © 2002 Steve Goodie BUY MY COOKIES Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads… Start your engines! It’s that time of year… You see us coming out of the minivans Wearing our cute little uniforms And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes You know the boxes You know what I’m talking about! 308, 308, 308 is so darn great! I want to go to summer camp, I would like to earn a bike The pretty pink one! There are plenty of prizes in the catalog I know I'd really like I want that, I want that, I want that! You see me a-boppin' down your street You pretend that you're not home Pretend that you're on the telephone Hey I'll kick your screen door down Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Guitar! I'm bringing my little brother Got my mom driving the van You have no flippin' out idea How serious I am If those brats living on the hill Beat me this time I swear I'll T.P. your entire house And I'll pull out my own hair Ow! Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Now I know you've got your excuses Oh, I'm sorry, You've caught me without my checkbook Oops! I just started Jenny Craig Look here Lola... I see what you've got in that shopping bag. And it's not cottage cheese! Remember that I’m nine years old I’ll outlive all you all I’ll hunt you down every street I’ll chase you through the mall I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby I know what I need While you waddle into your SUV This Girl Scout’s built for speed Buy my cookies, buy my cookies I’m begging you, buy my cookies You better buy ‘em Please buy my cookies Just one box, just one box Just, just, just one box, one box What? One of each? Uh huh… Wow! Uh huh… uh huh! We see what you’re made of Folding like a house of cards C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me I guess I could bring ‘em by… P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh P is for pushy © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP POOP ON THAT My stupid little brother's in my stuff again He's wearing my brand new hat I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well Poop on that My stupid older sister got a baseball glove And a brand new aluminum bat I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?" But my little sister wanted a cat Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox Poop on that My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework Cause I put some gum where he sat It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that Poop solo! Tommy likes Suzie better than me I heard him say that I'm too fat And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well Poop on that Grandma came by for a little visit She was bossing me in no time flat Now she says she's staying all summer, well... All summer... for the love of pete... July... how will I endure? Come kiss Grandma!! Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poopy doop Cha cha cha © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND No one really understands How bedtime rescues me The only math I ever do Is when I’m counting sheep The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Hot chocolate swims around me I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy I’m a floating marshmallow In my jammies with the feet The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind Wishing makes it mine I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Grownups wait in line I’m flying purple roller blades I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Solitary mind, solitary mind Hari krishna, krishna krishna Hari hari Oo oh gee I'm sorry Would you like to play Atari Not even in Tucumcari For Halloween I'm Mata Hari Like my dad's brand new Ferrari I voted for Marion Bar-ry Who drives a '94 Volare He's a cracker jack There's no such thing as a '94 Volare They stopped making 'm in '79 Creative license Mine has been revoked! I'm not just a rock star, I'm an artist! I'm not just Mayor McCheese, I'm a cultural i-con-vict I'm not an actor, But I play one on TV I'm not a headphone, But I am stuck in your ear Don't hate me because I'm pitiful There goes a guitar down the street My name is Luca Choo choo! Like almond rooca Hey, bull... © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP TALK IN ESPANOL Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our Spanish-speaking merit badge! That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session! We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol Can you say hola? Hola! Como esta? Como esta! Taco? Taco! Chalupa? Chalupa! That’s very very very good… Talk in Espanol! That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol Pop quiz #1 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #2 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol (even the dog) We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #3 Ba la la la, La Bamba Ba la la la, La Bamba Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Chalupa… © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD - live A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP |
YOU STINK GEORGE W! A parody of "I Think I Love You" by The Partridge Family Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba We’re voting And right in the middle of the counting The whole damn thing gets screwed up In Florida they cannot quite explain How Double-Yew got named He’s a redneck knucklehead But somehow he got selected Thanks to help from brother Jeb You stink George W! You stink George W! Osama I've got this nasty feeling Your family made a deal with This guy who has decided to believe He's our Commander in Chief And he would not talk about it When he got your family out Because he’s just a trained baboon I think he loves ya! You stink George W! You stink George W You’re what I'm so afraid of I'm afraid you’re a dictator of A coup that there’s no cure for You stink George W And you got your family paid off And it worries me to say It's always been this way We cannot tolerate evil-doers in the world. Evil-doers… they gotta go. All of 'em. Smoke 'em out! Anyone who would circumvent the democratic processes that we hold dear must be put up on a pedastal and… no wait… hang on a second… not put up ON a pedastal… they’ve got to be elected, THEN put up on a pedestal. He’s not really the president Big cash is what it’s all about We gotta kick that mother out Hey! You stink George Dubya! You’re what I'm so afraid of I’m afraid you’re just a gov’na Who’s into prisoner torture You stink George Dubya! It’s time that you were laid off And it worries me to hear You might get four more years Osama The Bushes and the Cheneys They only want to make you happy That’s why they say, “come to our Texas ranch” It’s the Taliban's western branch They want to stick around and love you So they’ll hide you at their farm With Al Quaeda’s new right arm I think they love ya! I think they love ya! You're linked to Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! I think they love ya! You're linked to Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! I think they love ya! You stink George Dubya! © 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP MARTHA MY DEAR A parody of "Martha My Dear" by The Beatles This just in: Beloved billionaire household guru Martha Stewart was convicted today for her role in the sale of her stock in late 2001. Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, obstuction of justice, and two counts of making false statements. Once in prison, Stewart will wear standard khaki garb, take communal showers, work for forty cents per hour, and make many new friends... Martha my dear Now they call this place incarceration, please Call me Louise Martha my love, don't ignore me, Martha my dear Whoa, you messed up, you greedy girl What have you done? Did you get some tips from someone? When you find yourself doing felonies You may find yourself with prison walls all around you Greedy girl Take a good look around you Take a good look, society Says you and me Were meant to sleep next to each other Roommate girl Martha my dear You're in charge of penal decorations please Get on your knees The floor needs a scrub Then you can decoupage me Martha my dear You heard me Make my bed up, you frilly girl Yeah, that's how it's done Let's you and me have some fun When you find yourself doing five to ten Surprise surprise you got lesbians all around you Frilly girl Martha my dear Though you spent your days on television, please You're stuck with me Martha my love Don't ignore me Park it right here Yeah, that's right, right here... All right ladies, lights out! © 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP BREAKFAST IN A BOTTLE A parody of "Message In A Bottle" by The Police Just a Pabst away, from heaving on my feet, oh Another hangover, and just two hours of sleep, oh Moe's not open yet, I need my morning beer So I'm driving to the store, though I can hardly steer, oh I'll be an SOB to the world Anyplace is the place I pee in the world I hope that someone buys me Somebody should supply me Come on won't someone slide me Breakfast in a bottle, yeah Breakfast in a bottle One beer has passed down my choking throat I should have stocked up at Quickie Mart Beer and Scope go so well together One can make me {burp} and the other makes me {fart} Excuse me! I'll be an SOB to the world Everyone can stare at me while I hurl I hope that someone buys me Someone should Jaegermeis-me Dammit someone super-size me Breakfast in a bottle Hey, Chilly Willy! Breakfast in a bottle, yeah Good morning, Los Angeles! It's 72 degrees at the airport, 101 in the valley, with a 99 percent chance of early binge drinking! Woke up this morning, I don't believe what I saw A hundred million bottles, stacked up on the floor Seems I called some old friends on the phone Round three a.m. yesterday, now they're passed out on my lawn! Hey everybody! I'm be an SOB to the world AA gave up on me, hey girls! I knew that someone'd buy me A couple dozen Heine's How sweet that they'd surprise me With breakfast in a bottle Breakfast in a bottle Hi, I'm Barney, and I'm an alcoholic Hi Barney As you know, I've been working on the first step for eight years now, and today I can finally admit I've got a problem! I'll drink to that! It's a bender now, three days I guess A bender, wow, I'm in a dress Got a keg of beer that's bottomless Finding everything hilarious Taking bets who's gassiest Who stinks the worst, who drinks the best Waiting for my lunch to coalesce A bender now, I must confess It's a bender now, yes yes yes yes A bender now with all my guests A bender now, I'll drink to this A bender means such sweet excess Tomorrow I'll deny all this But it's a bender now, how Kafka-esque Working out pathetic-ness I think I might run for congress A bender, wow, so effortless A bender, wow, such recklessness A bender, wow, unconsciousness © 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Dave Smith ASCAP HEY THERE, GEORGY BOY A parody of "Hey There, Georgy Girl" by The Seekers Hey there, Georgy Boy Swingin' every state so easily You've got a magic card that You can use now for anything Just ask your dad Hey there, Georgy Boy Why do all the voters buy your lies You don't even have to try Thank God for the media You said you'd get the terrorists There's no place they can hide Except Saudi Arabia You said you'd get Osama, but I Think he's still alive Hey there, Georgy Boy You're the second Georgy to preside Cause Daddy wasn't satisfied With only one term, you see Nepotistically, you're in Georgy Boy Hello? Hello son. Oh, hey, Daddy! Did you see me on TV? I was on the TV! Yes, son, I know you were on TV. Yeah, seriously, Daddy, they put me on TV... Yes... I taped it at home with the VCR! Uh huh... Yeah, the twins showed me how to use it! Yes, W, I know all about the TV... And the VCR! Yes, and the VCR. Yeah Daddy, I'm all over the TV, I'm the king! I know... I'm on every channel! Look, there I am, there I am... Hey there, Georgy Boy I wish I had a dad who made me king You screw up every single thing But he makes it go away You've never been to brainy So you keep Cheney well hid Don't worry no one cares what you did During Viet Nam Hey there, Georgy Boy Nobody believed you'd get this far You've got your daddy's credit card And suddenly you're grown up With the world blown up Thank you Georgy Boy! Hey there, Georgy Boy Nice work, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Wake up, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Bite me, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Good job, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Way to go, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy You stink, Georgy Boy Hey there, Georgy Boy Oh yeah, Georgy Boy © 2004 Steve Goodie and James Ward Byrkit ASCAP DON'T HEAR THE BEEPER A parody of "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult Mobile phones have come Now everyone's got one People going to the theater Can't seem to find their phones when they ring Don't you be like they are Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper It's that thing in your hand Don't you hear the beeper I'll poke you right in the eye Don't you hear the beeper You don't give a damn Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah The apocalypse will come If you miss a call from anyone Text message and internet And a camera and a little earpiece Text message and internet Forty thousand f---ing times a day Text message and internet I hear Beethoven start to play Text message and internet No one wants to hear what you have to say Gotta find my handgun Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper You've got the anytime plan Don't you hear the beeper Roaming nationwide Don't you hear the beeper Better call an ambulance Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Hello...? Oh, hi honey... Lady... look, lady, I don't want to have to hurt you... But I will... sorry. Lady, I need less talking, and more cowbell... Do you see this watch? My grandfather carried it around in his ass for eight years, and you are going to have to put that phone in yours for eight hundred if you don't turn it off now. Put it away, now. We can do this the easy way or hard, makes no difference to me. I'll tear your head off your body right now, and watch the movie with my granddaughter, and have popcorn and JuJuBees, and not give you a second thought. Turn off that phone, you rude bitch. You, with your beeping, can't happen... now... no... won't let it. Let me do a tap-dance on your caps... Cingular, Sprint, and Verizon They can really help you piss off everyone It looks like someone called the manager Excuse me, ma'am And he's here, and he's taking your phone We've received several complaints He yanked that thing right outcher ear I'll have to take this He took your phone and then disappeared You'll get it back at the end of the movie And the people stood and began to cheer Don't be a baby Come on lady We don't want to hear Your stupid conversation And she started to cry She ran for the exit She had to talk to her mommy And now it's quiet again She had to call the babysitter Come on lady Don't you hear the beeper Lady, these people have put their money down to see Walken talkin', and you... you... no... To beep, or not to beep, that is the question. The answer's a resounding no, no beeping, you bitch. Stella. Stella. Turn off your damn beeper now, Stella... © 2004 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP SOAP GETS IN YOUR EYES A parody of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by The Platters I like baby shampoo So what was I to do, oh My bottle had run dry My stylist said that I Should give Sassoon a try Shampoo, shampoo, shampoo, ah It said, "Lather, rinse, repeat" But were those words complete, oh no I didn't realize I'd be paralyzed When soap got in my eyes So I rubbed them and was heard to shout This garbage will not come out I knelt and prayed Please save my retinae And that's when I blacked out I blacked out Next thing that I recall I was curled up in a ball, oh The paramedics arrived I was hospitalized When soap got in my eyes Soap gets in your eyes Soap gets in your eyes Soap got in my eyes © 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP BIG S.U.V. A parody of "Mercedes Benz" by Janis Joplin All right, uh, coming up next on the big open mic, we've got a newcomer, uh, everybody welcome, George W! All right, here's one I wrote just yesterday, thought I'd try it out on you, see what you think... All right... Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV My friends drive Toyotas, but that won't do for me For a great big old truck, I'll give up MPGs So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV Oh Lord, please provide me some cheap gasoline This thing drinks more fuel than my dang limousine Hey let's start a war, send in the Marines Oh Lord, won't you give me some free gasoline Oh Lord, won't you give me a place to attack The guys who send gas bills won't get off my back I can't find bin Laden, he's not on my map So Lord, I've decided to take out Iraq Oh Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this They'll do what they're told if they fear terrorists Hey, I'll tell them dissenters are all communists So Lord, won't you help me sell the voters on this C'mon, everybody! Oh Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV An armored one, if possible, is just what I need Cause the people throw rocks when I drive down the street So Lord, won't you buy me a big SUV That's it! Don't forget to vote! © 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP CHANNEL E A parody of "Act Naturally" by The Beatles They're gonna put me on the TV They're gonna make a series out of me A big big show, about a big nose wearing headphones Only trouble is it's on Channel E Well I'll get me a whole bunch of porn stars I might win an Emmy, you can never tell I'll be the talent, and the produc-ar Cause I can fake a fart so well Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV Then I know that you will almost see The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time Unless I get cancelled by the FCC We'll make some jokes about a murderer named OJ We'll mention that I'm now a divorcee Bring Bababouie, but we won't let him talk much Only trouble is it's on Channel E Well Jackie, he wanted a discharge And I'm told that his career has gone to hell My movie should have made me a big star Cause I can play myself so well Well, I hope you'll come and see me on the TV And watch my other show spoofing Pamela Lee The biggest boobs they'll ever put on prime time Only trouble is it's on WB © 2004 Steve Goodie ASCAP SOMEBODY FARTED A parody of "Get This Party Started" by Pink Hey! Do you smell something? Oh man, what is that? Who let go? Hey fellas, that wasn't me. I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Whoa I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Somebody just farted on a Saturday night Everybody's praying for the stench to subside Ewww Sending out the methane to me and my friends Someone's getting gassy from his nasty rear end It was Saddam! He got lots of ammo from the bear and the beans No -- Al Quaeda! He can blow for miles if you know what I mean I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted I'm throwing up, I'm heaving I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It was John Kerry! Pumping trouser trumpet, breaking wind to the beat Oozing out his backside and he's right next to me Swift boat! BVDs are leaking as he's squeezing his blast Uh, flip-flop! I think there's buring rubber shooting out of his ass When you hear the thunder and you catch that smell License plate says "yo quiero Taco Bell" I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It was the democrats! It was the democrats! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Yeah somebody farted Hey, it wasn't me, I swear! Making flatulation and he's clearing the room Why would I lie? Everybody's choking as he blames it on you It was the evil-doers! Pumping up the volume gastronomically Everybody's running from GWB Hey, where you going? He's your odor-maker, he could blow anytime Cause blowing lots of gas is the party line I don't get it! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted It's coming up, it's coming! I'm throwing up, oh I'm telling you somebody farted Yeah somebody farted Somebody farted Yeah, smoke 'em out! Yeah somebody farted Hey. weapons of mass destruction over here! Oh, you STINK George W!! I love you Howard! I love you Howard! Ohhhh! © 2004 Steve Goodie and Jeff Kobal ASCAP THE BALLAD OF WANDA AND DINO An assignment from the Blue Microphone company (see below) Wanda and Dino, shacked up in Reno Blew all their cash on a bottle of vino Their Pinto'd got repo'd, that sucker's long gone This here's the story of Dino and Wanda Fresno, that is... swimmin' holes and double-wides Wanda grabbed a spatula and greased up a pan Started flippin' flapjacks for her good-for-nothing man He was layin' in bed till way past noon, though his chores needed doin' So he didn't even notice all the crazy crap she threw in "What crap did she throw in?" I hear you say Well, some pizza crust from last Thursday An artichoke, so succulent And a big blue toadstool, in it all went A beatnik's bagpipe, chopped and grated Chewy, polyunsaturated A rancid porkchop, three hairs, blonde A blob of mustard and her favorite thong A muffler from a monster truck A 45 of Disco Duck Bunkbed, doorknob, catcher's mitt Hell, whatever was there, she was cookin' it She was cookin' up a storm, that girl To be sure her man would hurl Dino dug in, and though his teeth were gold-plated He took two weeks to masticate it Wanda had Dino hospitalized in Reno And it's soon to be a film by Quentin Tarantino © 2004 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP An explanation: In 2003, the Blue Microphone company offered a contest. Anyone who cared to was challenged to write a 3-minte (or less) song containing the following 25 words. The winner got a fabulous new microphone. This song did not win. Which proves, once again, that there is no God.
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HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic! Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life! Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor! Malfoy, you're such a piece of - Ron! And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic! Draco, you son of a - Ow! Yeah, Hermione... nice one! Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand © 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP SHUT UP A parody of "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul Tryin' not to scream, I don't know why I watch this show (Uh let me say) If you are going to sing (on American Idol) Then baby I'll mute you with my remote (remote control) I've heard you sing before, I'd rather get my head caught in a slammin' door How about you listen to Simon, please Shut up, now tell me, do you really have to go on forever (no no no) I think I'm gonna go load my gun Shut up, believe me you should go and pick a new, kind of endeavor (oh oh oh) Oh are you tone-deaf and dumb? Time's standing still Waiting for you (waiting for you) to be through (a-let me tell you now) You are so shrill That even my earmuffs (big fuzzy earmuffs) can't stop you I've heard you sing before They used you on Iraqi prisoners of war How about you stick to Karaokeeeee Shut up, now listen You have got no voice whatsoever (no no no) You're a ten on a scale of three million Shut up, I know your friends tell you you're good Well, whatever (oh oh oh) I don't think you're gonna go platinum You sing so awfully, I can hardly see Your score's too low to mention (a-negative, negative) If somehow they let you win I'll overdose on aspirin (no, heroin) A-b-b-bye bye b-b-b-b-bye bye Why do you do that, on national television Lady, c'mon now You're singing so flat, everybody knows that But you, I gotta tell you baby I've heard you sing before I'd rather get my face caught in a slammin' door Are you trying to torture me Or am I in some kind of purgatory This is not American Bandstand Your lack of talent is out of hand How about some vocal lessons, please! (please please please please) Shut up, now tell me Is this really how you, wanna be remembered (no no no) Even Shatner's sitting there stunned (phasers on stun) Shut up, now go and lock yourself down there In the cellar (no no no) And won't you please have that William Hung Come on (string him up now!) Shut up, now tell me Why you wanna go and howl, like Ol' Yeller? Stick a fork in you you're done (all done) Shut up, yeah I know I don't really sing, any better (no better than you) I'm so glad this song is done © 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Paula Abdul ASCAP SHATNER A parody of "Shattered" by The Rolling Stones Remind me to explain to you the concept of the human ego. Kirk here. Shatner Do you have any idea the ribbing I've had to endure? Shatner Andy, Opie, and Martin Sheen are still surviving on the screen and look at me I'm in tatters, but I'm Shatner That's right, Bill Shatner My acting is alarming, my agent took up farming My life is just a flock of Trekkies on the street Conventions, people dressed in Klingon drag Ga-roupies, Shatner Collecting autographs, I wanna slash 'em, I'm Shatner Ga-roupies, Shatner Phasers and transporter beams, and me and me and me and me Look at me, I'm Shatner! Hey! Shatner I'm just getting fatter, bitter, sadder, critics flatter That Patrick Patrick Patrick Stewart and I can't give it away on Pay-per-view Big loser, Shatner I'm going down the ladder, uh huhh, but I'm Shatner Big loser, Shatner Kirk needs work and love and sex He needs a girl with big green breasts green breasts green breasts green breasts Don't it matter, hey, that I'm Shatner? Don't it matter Intruder alert! James Kirk. I like that name. Good. I like yours too. I like you. I wouldn't lie to you. Ah, Mr. Scott, you old space dog. I'd still like a Vulcan. Nurse me. Jim, what the hell kind of strategy is this? Dammit Bones, I need you badly! Thrusters ahead. Engineer, we need warp speed now. Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young. Only use it for medicinal purposes. You must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing. Do it! Kahn!!! Ahhh, look at me, I'm Shatner, I'm a... Shatner Priceline bought me some success, bite me Nimoy I'm the best I'm their boy, the end, the means, still surviving on, repeats Shatner And look at me! I'm Shatner! Yeah... Shatner Feed me batter, what does it matter Shatner Combo platter Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner Don't you know my hairline's going up up up up up Sh-moozing, Shatner I work in this town though I'm a shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck shmuck Sh-moozing, Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner, Shatner I got a flat on the westside, a condo uptown Sh-moozing, Shatner What a mensch, a Tribble-trapper, I'm Shatner Sh-moozing, Shatner Almost won an Oscar, for bad toupee and bad actin' Sh-moozing, Shatner Big loser, Shatner Canadian... Jew... Big loser, Shatner Eh? Oy... Eh? Oy... Big loser, Shatner Kirk out... Kirk out... (No, no...) Kirk out... Sorry Gene... Kirk out... © 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, Dave Smith, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richard ASCAP STAND BY YOUR VAN A parody of "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette Sometimes it's hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing's gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We'll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We'll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van 4-wheel drive's so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You're one fat-assed American So stand by your van © 2004 Steve Goodie, Sylvia Mulholland, and Tammy Wynette ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA Shrek 2 Version A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin, and I will never go broke, a ha ha! I was a pop sensation I sang this song back in '99 But then Shrek 2 swept the nation And I got left behind Girls used to scream my name out Ricky please autograph my page But now a donkey's got my gig And a cat's got me upstaged Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous! I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down All because of that stinky ogre With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City With my back against a wall Where's my house, where's my money That green ogre got it all Way back in the nineties I was at the height of fame But someone ruined my career And now I'm naming names Bandaras is to blame Come on! I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red As that ogre gets in-vogue-er The money has run out I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to beg to date me And they'd hang around backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I 'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimoda With cash flow in the red I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit... All right, that's it - get out of my office! I would look so good with little furry ears! No, get out! Here kitty kitty kitty... Corolla Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house © 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child BUTT CRACK A parody of "Love Shack" by The B-52s If you have a clogged sink, or a backed up commode Then you need to call a plumber, with butt crack! Butt crack yeah yeah Yeah, butt crack. I'm flushin' down a gigantic Subway (Southwest cheese steak!) But it's lookin' like it won't go away It's coming back up, no go away (no go away, please go away, no go away) I got me a tool box, and a big plastic pail And when I bend over you get butt crack I got me a plunger and I'll fix you up, honey So call me up, and pay me union money That butt crack is a vertical face that You can't forget, no never Butt crack baby, yeah, butt crack bay-bee Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, that`s where it`s at Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, that`s my two-pack Plungin' and a-splishin', splashin' and a-plungin' Wearin' big old jeans that are coverin' nothin' His whole back shimmies! Yeah, that old crack shimmies! Yeah, his whole back shimmies and his big old booty's moving around and around and around and around Everyone is swoonin', hey that plumber's moonin' baby Folks passing out cause he's got his pants down My neighbor's prosecutin', for gluteous pollutin' baby Funky little crack, that's my trouser trench Yeah, let's see, that's a snake out to the street, city sewage insurance, snake feeding fee, new sink trap, bondo, ace bandage... that's gonna come to $876.22... is that gonna be cash or...? Check out his cleavage, check out his tail Like a hairy old whale I'll hop in my van, and clean out your plumbing You stare at my twins, Cheeky and Sponge-y That butt crack is a vertical face That you can't forget, no never Butt crack baby, a-butt crack bay-bee Butt crack, baby butt crack Yeah butt, that`s where it`s at Butt crack, baby butt crack Hey, do these pants make me look fat? Listen lady... just for your future reference... you're not supposed to flush these, um, feminine products, see? Now I gotta crawl down under here, and dig out all these... oh, man... what a mess... oh yeah... Dang dang dang, where's your belt baby... Look a little harder baby. Dang dang dang, where's your suspenders baby... I can't hear you. Dang dang dang, where's your pride baby... Hey, I can't help you, okay! Dang dang dang, no, no more, baby (Look a little harder!) Dang dang dang, don't show no more baby Dang dang! Hey, do I make you horny? Dang dang! He'll show you more! Dang dang! Continental divide, baby! Dang dang! That's my butt. Oh God! I'm gonna be sick... excuse me... Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, like a big hairy yak Butt crack, baby butt crack Butt baby, this plumber got back Butt crack, baby butt crack Plumbing is so bitching when you get to show your nasty little butt crack You know, tipping is encouraged, okay? © 2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Sukey Smith, Sylvia Mulholland, and The B-52s ASCAP DUCT TAPE Hello there, ladies... and welcome aisle 13 of your friendly local hardware store You'll find we have everything a modern woman needs to ease her troubled mind So your man has come unglued And you don't know what to do You thought you'd be with him forever You thought love alone could keep you together Duct tape, he'll never leave your side Duct tape, if properly applied Duct tape, gonna keep you satisfied Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky, yeah (He'll have) No more late nights with the boys (No more) Chasing skirts and other hobbies he enjoys If he's not particularly sub-meesive Perhaps you need to try a new adhesive Duct tape, makes a happy bride Duct tape, true love won't be denied Duct tape, put the counseling aside Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky yeah It can be black, it can be blue It can be red... oooh... Perhaps we've oversimplified Relationships are more complex than we've implied It takes understanding and compassion But nothing spices up a good tongue lashin' like Duct tape, when you don't see eye to eye Duct tape, he'll become a nicer guy (much nicer) Duct tape, when you take it off he'll cry (sfx, scream) Sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky sticky ow! For all your adhesive and marital needs, nothing solves everything like world-famous Duct Tape! Use it for marriage counseling, celibacy, planned parenthood, tacking limbs back on... It's the clumsy moyel's best friend, it's the poor man's chastity belt! Duct tape... ask for it by name! © 2003 Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP LIVE PARODY MEDLEY A live medley of parodies of "Tempted" by Squeeze, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers, and "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies And they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty (Beatty) Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth, you can be a big star I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste Wiped a tear from my face Cause my boss told me yesterday That I have been replaced So I said to my old landlord "I can't pay for this place" Said goodbye to the neighbors Tore up all the bills Walked down to the station The bus rolls on until I'm back again, back with my parents Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled So I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other First the market fell, now I'm back in hell There's no other Renting out a room from his mother And hoping all my friends don't discover Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball © 2003 Steve Goodie, Ty Hager, Squeeze, Tom Petty, and Pete Townshend ASCAP BEDWETTER A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley! Oh great! I hope she's having a good time. Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom... this place is full of rats, and there was a tornado last night... please come get me! I'll clean my room every day, and walk the dog... They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home Get on the bus, bus comes to camp Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!! Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do the dishes and vacuum the entire house and practice the piano... Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat © 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP NURSERY RHYME MOYEL A parody of "Nursery Rhyme Lawyer" by Throwing Toasters Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall And all the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't get him a bris, but I could Jack and Jill (Jill Rosenberg that is) went up the hill To fetch themselves a pail of water When they came down Jill's father was upset Didn't like no gentile hanging round with his daughter If you are a nursery rhyme And you'd like to try being a Jew one time Maybe change your name to Chaim I can give you peace of mind Cause my service is one of a kind I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet Reading Talmud all Saturday 'Long came a spider and interrupted her studies But my scalpel scared that black widower away Blackbirds baked in your pie They're gonna be gefilte-fied Your cow jumping into the sky When she's kosher she won't fly Give my services a try Never say "what a good goy am I" Hey, I admit it, I celebrated Christmas for a long time... you know, 'cause I like Knick Knacks and Paddy Wacks... and it used to really upset me when every Hanukkah season I had to endure the taunts from my Jewish friends... You know, "Ha ha, some fat guy's gonna come down your chimney and eat all your cookies!" So I called the Nursery Rhyme Moyel, and in no time at all I was lighting candles and spinning the dreidel. Thanks, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! When your cupboard is bare I'll put some chicken soup there Dish ran away with your spoon You'll get matza balls soon If you've lost your sheep I won't cut too deep Someone's stealing your tarts I'll stab 'em right where it smarts If your bridge is falling down I'll make you smooth and round When the bough breaks I won't have the shakes You know who I am I'm the Nursery Rhyme Moyel I was really really concerned that the sky was falling, and my priest couldn't help me at all. He just laughed at me, if you can believe that! So I called the Nursery Rhyme Moyel, and within two hours I was confident that even if the sky did fall, I'm chosen, and I have nothing to worry about. Thanks for the chutzpah, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! I fell off a wall, and the Nursery Rhyme Moyel sent me to Hebrew summer camp and got me planting trees, and reading Torah with ease. I'm in the jewelry business now, and I don't fall off nothing. Thanks, Nursery Rhyme Moyel! © 2003 Steve Goodie and Grant Baccioco ASCAP J-LO AND BEN Who has J-Lo dated With whom has J-Lo made it Most of Hollywood to be sure So naturally this begs the question Who is the dupe du jour And now, coming down ze red carpet, we see ze fabulous Jennifer Lopez wearing a luscious Vera Wang... mmm mm mmm... That's right Pierre... and she's with her new boyfriend... now which one is this? I always get them mixed up, there are so many ... Now who could it be? Diddy did her, Damon didn't Some dancer married her for almost a minute One by one each prince turned to a toad And Cupid barely had time to reload Now it's J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end They just stop now and then and start over again He's a star, he's a hunk She's got junk in the trunk She's one ambivalent Puerto Rican, oh Beside every groom, there's always room for J-Lo J-j-j-j-j-J-Lo He has a Porsche (what a car), he has an Oscar (he's a star) He had Gwyneth but gosh, somehow he lost her Then along came Jenny, playing eeny meeny miney She ain't got no teeny weeny hiney No, J-Lo and Ben, fairy tales never end They blow up in the press and start over again Not since Tootie has there been an diva so rare Or such booty on air, so much talent to spare How do I buy a share, of that swell derriere... Sometimes she can carry a tune He looks good in his fruit of the looms (I'll say!) So when the heartbeat goes boom, Benny makes room for J-Lo (Better make room... better make lotsa room... Yeah, better add onto the house... that's what I'M talkin about) J-Lo, sweet idiot, on Oscar's big academy show J-Lo, illiterate, overrated Hollywood ho © 2003 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
BALLERINA BY NIGHT Some folks might describe me as a quintessential man Branding cattle, mending fences, drinking coffee from a can But you know they're only half right, there's more to me than that. And when that spotlight hits the stage, I wear a different hat. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night Graceful as a dying swan Dressed in leather and chiffon I ride the range all day Then at night I leap and I twirl A man's got to feel like a man except When a man's got to feel like a girl. I learned a painful lesson, I now know what occurs When I put my feet in third position while I'm wearing spurs Other cowboys mock me, I guess they find it hard To ride the trail beside when I wear my leotard. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night You'll find me at the rodeos Wearing my Capezios Some folks think I'm schizophrenic and they may be right Cowboy by day, ballerina by night. Sometimes I feel like John Wayne Sometimes I feel more like Margot Fontayn When I'm not at the saloon, I'm stretching at the barre Hell, I am the most limber cowpoke that you've ever seen... by far. But I've got a problem, 'cause someday I'll have to choose Whether to die with my boots on or in my silk toe shoes. I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night When the working day is through I commence to pas de deaux I ride the range all day Then at night I leap and I twirl A man's got to feel like a man except When a man's got to feel like a girl. © 2000 Andy Corwin BMI LIE LIE LIE - political version I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend I thought that being honest was a noble policy Since then I've found a much more electable strategy.... Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice Lie til you're red in the face Don't ask why, you don't have any choice There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet You say that you'll cut taxes boy, they say, "we'll vote for you!" You say you won't cut spending and they say, "have a term or two!" You tell them family values cannot be overstated And hope they never find your special friend who is inflated Lie lie lie, when you've become the president Lie regarding where the weapons of mass destruction went Lie to the troops when you won't bring them home And when you lie look them straight in the eye And say, "hey, I swear you won't die" Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie No you couldn't find bin Laden, So you said you wanted Saddam, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your foreign policy is stunning, And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, the war on terror's winnable, The truth is always spinnable, lie lie Lie lie lie, you can get by on your talents, Fox news is fair and balanced, lie lie Lie lie lie, your rhetoric's believable, And my virginity's retrievable, lie lie Lie lie lie to your family and friends Lie lie lie to your constituents Lie to get by, like a good republican There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet No one's discovered them yet © 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Andy Corwin ASCAP ACTUAL SIZE I never claimed to be well endowed There's nothing that makes me stand out from the crowd It ain't my intention to tell you some lies Or to misrepresent my actual size Actual size, Actual size I try to be honest when I advertise Because I don't want it to be a surprise If'n you feast your eyes on my actual size There was this girl that I dated last fall She told me that size didn't matter at all But when I applauded her for what she said She added, "except, of course, when you're in bed" Actual size, Actual size Hey, lets hear it for average guys I didn't come here to proselytize Just to speak out in favor of actual size Well, yeah, I'll admit the temptation is there To exaggerate what's in your underwear But if you think you need to conceal all your flaws Then you're just like them women that wear padded bras Actual size, Actual size There ain't no reason to wear a disguise Be proud of your (you know) and don't stigmatize Yourself for being actual size Actual size, Actual size Beauty resides in the beholder's eyes Let all of them other dumb jocks fantasize Stand erect and be proud of your actual size © 2000 Andy Corwin BMI EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF When your heart is heavy When the night has been too long When every road you choose Muddies up your shoes And leads you wrong When you're cold and lonely When your rope is at its end When darkness clouds the skies And tears fill your eyes When you just need a friend Don't look at me Wipe your own damn nose And if I've kept you down or made you cry Or trampled all your hopes and dreams Well, that's the way it goes In heaven there's no hate or war In heaven no one's hungry or poor In heaven they hold hands evermore But we're on earth And here on earth It's everyman for himself When you're a Black, Chicano, Native-American, Jewish lesbian folk singer And this morning when you woke up you hit your head on the steering wheel You're shoulder deep in s--- And you just wanna quit I know how you can get a handgun without the usual background check Get off my lawn Pay your rent on time And if I hire illegals to build a wall around my property It's just 'cause I'm Tough on crime In heaven there's no fear or need In heaven no one's rabid with greed In heaven you get laid guaranteed But we're on earth And here on earth It's everyman for himself © 1995 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI AN AGNOSTIC GOSPEL SONG There is a train, train, train © 2000 Andy Corwin BMI © 2000 Andy Corwin BMI He's been travelin' hard © 2000 Andy Corwin BMI This is a song about nothing © 2001 Andy Corwin BMI |
A parody of "Surrender" by Cheap Trick Mother told me, yes she'd scold me Boy you're such a pest You're in my way, go sit and stay In front of that TV set And there I found my hero, yeah This old guy mouthing off An annoying talk-show host Dressed like a clown Larry's all right, yeah he's all right He just looks a little weird Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away On CNN yeah, late at night He's speaking with the queen And Larry's wearing the same blue shirt And those tacky old Toughskins jeans Now I had heard Armani suits The old man can afford But Larry won't wear one of those He only shops at Sears Larry's all right, yeah he's all right Like an Amish without the beard Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away Whatever happens it's mating season A new wife every year Larry drives them all to drinking Then they disappear He's no Tom Brokaw Larry's had a dozen wives by now Older, younger, Larry's going for the Guinness record, wow! Larry's all right, he can do it all night And that's how you build a career Suspenders, suspenders But don't give your belt away © 2003 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Cheap Trick ASCAP I WANT OSAMA A parody of "I'm Sorry Mama" by Eminem Let's go... it's time for your tour of Baghdad, Mr. President Where's the chair? Dammit W, what chair? The electric chair! You telling me they got no electric chair in Iraq? (sigh) Oh, there it is... yeah! No! Yo! Have you ever felt cheated, defeated, and competed against, I have I almost didn't get elected, but now I'm president, yeah First they love ya then they snub ya, then they all call you Dubya, From Austin to Lubbuck, did you know I was a gov'na? Yeah, then I come to Washington, and started loading the guns Made this drama, said Osama bin Laden couldn't run, uh uh But time flies by, and we can't fnd that guy, what the hell? Guess I'll bombard the backyard of somebody else I want Osama (yo yo yo) I really want to hurt him (yeah hurt him!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target ( yeah, word) I got some skeletons in my closet, and everybody knows it Like my stupid drunken daughter, that b**** is gonna blow it, for me I'd love to shove her and her mother back to '79, yo Maybe I was wrong, baby, maybe abortion is fine, whoa! Now my Daddy had Saddam on the run back in '91 Used the big guns, had some fun, but didn't get the job done, son Look at me now, you're gonna go POW, Hussein, oh yeah I couldn't get bin Laden, so you're taking the blame I want Osama (yeah, word!) I really want to hurt him (word to your evildoer!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target (yo yo yo yo!) Listen I tried to send fighters to get Al Qaida, but those Hiders saw outsiders and ran so man, I'm cannin' this plan to Slam the Taliban in Afghanistan, Saddam, tracking back To Iraq, takin' no slack, makin' you crack, or WHACK! Yo! The UN can inspect and detect your weapons all day But whatever they say, I'm gonna blow you away HEY! I've locked up and shocked up lots of f****** like you And I'll blast your dumb a**, if it's the last thing I do, yo! I'll attack the Iraqi rich, I'll attack the Iraqi poor Matter of fact, I'll attack Iraqi Radio Shack, you evil-doers! Your spies just don't realize how you guys'll get trampled If I don't need your oil, I'll blow you right off your camel! I want Osama (Dammit, W!) I really want to hurt him (yo yo yo yo yo!) I really want to make him cry But for now, Saddam'll be my target (Yeah, one more time!) I want Osama (Dammit, you crazy f*****!) I really want to hurt him (Yeah, just crazy enough to be president!) I really want to make him cry (You heard me! I don't even need any votes!) But for now, Saddam'll be my target (I GOT FLORIDA!!) Hey, stupid redneck neighbor... you not president... you stupid redneck neighbor. Oh yeah? Word to your immigration officer! Yeah! President Dale! Yeah! I'm king of Capital Hill! (sigh) © 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Eminem ASCAP DUH EN RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I went to work on Monday and my heart stood still It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron How'm I gonna pay my freakin' Visa bill? It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, my heart stood still Yeah, they took a spill And then I lost my home It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron They told us that our shares were gonna go sky-high It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Now they're shredding evidence, my oh my It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, I guess it went awry Yeah, here comes the FBI, and I Can't afford an ice cream cone It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Good evening. Today Californians were urged to conserve electricity as the state faces an enormous energy crisis. Criminal energy mismanagement is causing widespread blackouts, and naturally the citizens are being blamed. This report brought to you by Disney's Electrical Parade. Way back in '97 when the scam begun It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron They never thought they'd go to jail with Arthur Anderson It's the end ron ron ron, of En ron ron Yeah, they padded the books Yeah, those dirty crooks And now they're shooting themselves at home Dead end ron ron ron, dead En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron It's the end ron ron ron of En ron ron © 2003 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and The Crystals ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA A parody of "Living The Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm a big star, I will never go broke... I lived on top of a mountain No way that I could fall But I just saw my accountant And he says I've spent it all Ricky, you gotta save a little of your money, you can't spend it all like this, oy... are you listening to me? I was a pop sensation Big hits and my name in lights But when I kissed a boy in that gas station I lost the movie rights Girls would tear their clothes off And they'd dance for me backstage But now they pass me on the street And they offer me some change 'Cause I suffer from the mange I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down I'm sleeping with Abe Vigoda With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of crap off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your damn car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City Behind a cheap hotel Where's my house, where's my money? I had to strip to pay my agent's bill I haven't seen clean water Since last week on Saturday And once you've had a whiff of me You'll never be the same And Menudo is to blame (come on) I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red I've been begging with Ray Liotta The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to rip my clothes off And go down on me backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimota With cash flow in the red My skin is almond roca The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No, I cannot type, but I could babysit your children... All right, that's it - get out of my office! Yes, the little boys are so cute! No, get out! Muchachos bonitas! Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house It won't start... It won't start! Maybe it's the tranny... hmmm... I'll change the wipers. © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and R. Rosa/D. Child ASCAP CONSTIPATED A parody of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne [Grunt], sonofabitch, pass the prunes Uh huh, uh huh, and the raisins too... Come out, whatcha waiting for My butt has never been so sore I wish I hadn't gotten Extra cheese, at Mickey D's I am much more popular When I'm feeling regular There's four burgers in me They're two for one, what have I done? No one can help, I loosen my belt Poppin' ex-lax, contract and relax Tryin' to be cool, forcing the stool from me Tell me... Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? I pee okay but Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be ex-cra-ted Just won't push through When I eat and I eat all that meat I retreat, take a seat, till my feet fall asleep Honestly, I didn't mean to Order all the extra bacon, no no no And then there's this big ol' splash I feel the water hit my ass Thank God, get up from where I sat I'm free, so proud of me And now time to strike a match But there's just one little catch That bowl isn't draining Come on, go down, I'm begging, praying Stuff's coming up, over the top It's all coming back, Big Mac attack Standing in a pool, reeks like a mule, oh geez Tell me... Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? Oh God! I pee okay but Happy Meals put me through hell, won't be irrigated Just won't push through When I flush and I plunge all that stuff Just comes up, what the f*** am I turning into Honestly, can't you see The porcelain is nearly breakin'... no no no Honey! Where's the mop? Oh God... © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Avril Lavigne ASCAP JEWISH CHRISTMAS CAROL MEDLEY A parody of several well-known Christmas carols I have no gift for you, pa rum pa pum pum I don't believe in you, pa rum pa pum pum Don't rest ye merry Jewish men You have to work today You took a week for Hanukkah So now you have to pay Hark the herald angels sing You ain't getting anything O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum It's just another night for you O Rosenbaum, o Rosenbaum No Santa Claus in sight for you No stockings and no mistletoe No cabbage patch, and no Elmo O Rosenbaum, o chosen-baum This season has to bite for you Oy to the world, this season blows I got, this shirt, that's it My friends all got cool toys Those crummy little goys Got candy and lots of cash While this shirt gave me a rash Oh Santa can kiss my ass My Jewish ass! © 2002 Steve Goodie ASCAP BOOBS (I DID 'EM AGAIN) A parody of "Oops I Did It Again" by Britney Spears Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah... I think I'll do them again I'll augment my chest, for more attention Oh boobies They might seem plastic to touch But I'm a pop queen, and they're not big enough I could lose my advances From the mean old record company Oh boobies boobies Boobs! Inflate 'em again I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! My agent called me at home He said more silicone They're not quite big enough! A no no no no no A no no no no no You see, my problem was this My cup size was A And 38-Ds were on my Christmas list I tried shaking my butt But the hooters looked small, when I dressed like a slut When I flashed Nickelodeon It made them so angry at me Boobies! Oh... Boobs! Inflate 'em again I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! I need them to grow Are they big enough no no no no They're still not big enough! Next please... Britney, before you go, there's something you need to know... Oh, they're beautiful, but wait a minute, aren't these...? Yeah, yes they are. But I thought you said you couldn't use helium for safety reasons? Well baby, it'll keep them way up high, and make your voice all weird! Oh! Great idea! Boobs! Inflate 'em again I'm so talent-free, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! I need them to grow Are they big enough no no no no They're still not big enough! Boobs! Inflate 'em again I can't sing a note, so I pumped up my fame (with boobies boobies) Boobs! My agent called me at home He said more silicone They're not quite big enough! Tit me baby one more time! Mom... it happened again... © 2001 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and Jeff Kobal ASCAP ME AND TIMMY McV A parody of "Me And Bobby McV" by Kris Kristofferson Busted back in '95, whacked out in the brain Worst terrorist the States have ever seen Timothy knocked a building down, they dragged him off in chains When he blowed 'em all away to smithereens He built a homemade bomb out of a dirty, rental truck And Oklahoma lost when Timothy lit the fuse Now he's locked up and doing time, he's someone's bitch, and his white behind Wants to bend over for the TV crews Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news Dyin', it's just more publicity And network sweeps are easy Lord, with death row pay-per-view Timothy don't want to go quietly That ain't good enough TV for Timmy McV From the east end of Long Island, to the California sun Timothy wants us all to watch him go In a world of Jerry Springer and Wrestle Mania Yeah Timothy wants the cover of the Rolling Stone (Rolling Stone) For that day in Oklahoma, I say let him rot away Make that tiny cell his home, and make him be quiet But he'll trade all his tomorrows for the headlines today But I won't watch his body kick and writhe Freedom's just another word for dyin' on the news Screw him, no I'll be watching Ally McBeal, yeah They're making it too damn easy, Lord, I won't watch what they do When they kill that trailer trash on MTV They won't drag me down with Timmy McV Turn it off, turn that jerk off, turn it off, I'm begging you I don't want to see no Timmy McV No no no no no no, no no no no no If I can't get a show, then why should he? Turn it off, I'd rather be watching Millionaire I'm turning it off, because I don't care And that's my final answer for Timmy McV No no no no no no no no, no no no no no no no no no no no No, no no, Timmy McV Hell I'd call him a bastard, I'd call him a loon I'd call him a hearse, but keep him off of the tube, c'mon No no Timmy no, no no Timmy McV No no no no no no no no no no no no no No, no, no Timmy McV, NO! © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Kris Kristofferson ASCAP EXTRA I am an extra in the movie of my life I did not get a speaking role I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours I'm an extra, cause they say I am I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut I slept with the director, I slept with the A.D. I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me I am an extra in the movie of my life I worked nine twelve-hour days I got four seconds of screen-time In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad I'm the one with my back to the camera With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear I am an extra in the movie of my life And I am not union I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP BURPO THE SCARY CLOWN Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo the scary clown Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, Burpo, Burpo, Burpo Burpo, the scary clown Burpo, Burpo the scary, scary, scary, scary clown Burpo the scary clown © 2001 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
A parody of "Oh Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison Skinny woman, walking down the street Skinny woman, why don't you freakin' eat Skinny woman, I don't believe you, you're just see-through I think you puked up all your food (Nasty) Skinny woman, you think you're overweight Skinny woman, but you should clean your plate Skinny woman, oh you look hungry, you need a meal Have you been watching Ally McBeal? Skinny woman scarf a while Skinny woman barf a while Skinny woman give your smile to me But brush your teeth first Skinny woman bulimia-a-a Skinny woman not in my car Skinny woman say you'll keep it down Cause I'll feed you, I'll feed you right Come with me baby, Denny's open all night Oh, skinny woman © 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Orbison-Dees ASCAP QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? Yes, it is! Right, our new celebrity. There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I did - it's amazing! I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Gerroff! Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team in over a hundred years! That's amazing! You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries! Oh dry up - he's not so big! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor! I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good... © 2001 Steve Goodie, Burpo, and Pete Townshend ASCAP BETTY RUBBLE A parody of "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie Yabba dabba doo! You love Natasha, she rules your world You love Dot Warner and the Powerpuff Girls Hey Jane, Mrs. Jetson's all right Hey Jane, daughter Judy's tight Rogue and Storm, they're all wrong Only one toon can turn me on Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, yes yes yes yes Betty Rubble, billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so Fred, I gotta tell you... my wife's a piece of ass! Oh, you're telling me, Barney! Yabba dabba doo! What's with Barney, come on girl You can do better, Betty, that's for sure Hey babe, he's three foot two Hey babe, he's got a twenty IQ Leave that clown, he's all wrong He's not worthy of your loincloth thong Betty Rubble, you torn your dress Betty Rubble, your cave is the best (If you know what I mean) Barney Rubble billion years ago Hot damn, I love you so I've often pounded one out to the thought of your wife, Barney. Oh yeah, no surprise here! You torn your dress, I gotta confess When you do that little giggle I just ogle your chest You're prehistoric and you're on fire You got those long legs and a miniskirt You got no Wilma pearl necklace, and you don't got no shoes But I love your dress Oh, Barney doesn't like that... You jurassic temptress Smackin' that ass, smackin' that ass... And how could you know I'm on it! That they'd cast Rosie-O (in the movie) Hey why'd she wanna go, defiling your style Uh uh uh uh, you're no lesbo What'd she do to you, she must weigh three hundred two We are not impressed Who let the dogs out? Man her face is a mess Ooo ooo, no no no no I've had it up to here with you, Betty! When I meet the Flintstones Keep that bitch locked up! We'll have a gay old time We'll have a gay old time Betty!!! © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, Burpo, and David Bowie ASCAP PUFF THE MAGIC RAPPER A parody of "Puff The Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul, and Mary Puff the Magic Rapper lived by the sea And grew up with his homies in the land of Giuliani Little Jenny Lopez loved that rascal Puff And brought him guns and ammo clips, and other gangsta stuff Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper loved NYPD Since they made him take the stand for bribing an employee Oh, Puff the Magic Sampler knew he'd go scott free To rip off songs he didn't write, to gain celebrity Together they would travel in a cop car to the jail Puffy kept on looking at J-Lo's gigantic tail Loyal guards and chauffeurs would lie to the police Witnesses never noticed it when Puff pulled out his piece Oh, Puff the Magic Rapper was acquitted naturally When his lawyer got the charges dropped, he said "thank you, Johnny C." Oh, Puff the Frequent Inmate lived affluently And gave 3 mil to the family of Notorious B-I-G Love should last "Forever", but she wasn't his "Best Friend" Music-biz relationships often come to a bitter end One grey night it happened, Jenny Lopez came no mo' And Puff that Mighty Rapper, he lost his favorite ho Oh, Puff the Skank-Ho Slapper, abandoned and lonely Went looking for his true love on a scooter in Miami Oh, Puff the Reckless Driver went back to the pokey To visit friends and to pick out drapes for a cell marked P. Diddy © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Lipton-Yarrow ASCAP BROWN BOOGER A parody of "Brown Sugar" by The Rolling Stones Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six... D'jew eat? This'll be a quick meal. I ate his liver with a nice Chianti Ew! Oh God! I got fifty bucks says that kid picks his nose! Fifty bucks says he eats it. See if you can guess what I am now... This is absolutely gross! That boy is a P-I-G pig! I'm a zit... get it? Third grade recess on the playing field Joe forgot his lunch, he's got no midday meal He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight See him find a big one, just about bite-sized Awwwww! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good? Gross! That's disgusting! D'jew eat? Brown booger, just like a booger should now You gonna finish that? Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it, but if you're gonna eat... Say the word and I'll give you a piece. Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time Blech! He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Gross! Ah, son of a bitch! Nice mouth! Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah We're mutants! There's something wrong with us, something very very wrong with us! That kid'll eat anything! Must be hungry. Something seriously wrong with us! Here's proof... his nose is cold. Now, didn't your mama teach you anything? If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate You should have seen the size of what he ate The size of a Buick. Wow! Brown booger, how come you taste so good now? Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now... I can't believe you're eating this! You know what your problem is? You don't chew your food, that's why you get so irritable with people. You could get mumps... Oh... I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Mmmmm! That one tasted like Cracker Jack! How come you... how come you taste so good? I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww! You can taste mine if I can taste yours. Ooooo... okay! Just like a, just like a booger should Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww! Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers and then toss it at you This one tastes like pepperoni! Pepperoni! Yeah! From the nose-meister! I think I touched my brain! If I find a gooey one, I wait for later, and then I get a crunchy one, and then I mix 'em. Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear. Ooo, that's a good idea. Have you ever mixed it with your earwax? Have I? I invented that! Oh! Extra points! Blood! Mmm... slimy. Mmm... salty. Have you ever microwaved them? No! Mmmm! © 2001 Steve Goodie, Chris Smith, Mick Jagger, and Keith Richard ASCAP CHAT ROOM A parody of "White Room" by Cream In a chat room, with two school girls, and one pervert If they ask me, what my name is, I say Amber Sideways smiling, naked chatting, one hand typing Download jpeg, with bad virus, goodbye Windows I'll wait in this place, till the kids come online Chat with no face, where the geezers play with themselves Hi everyone.... In the chat room, she said she was, head cheerleader I'm all alone tonight... Got her address, waited outside, pedophilia Is anyone else all alone? Mother caught me, handcuffs no fun, police station Have you ever... done... it? Made confession, two Hail Marys, absolution What was it like? Was it all gross? I'll pray in the pew, make my sins okay-fine They forgive what I do, no, the Cardinals ain't gonna tell Does anyone want to meet somewhere for a milkshake? If my dad catches me on the computer again, he's gonna beat my butt with a belt till it turns red. Oooh, that hurts Are there any policemen in this room? Do you ever worry about internet predators? I've heard they can be real weird... © 2001 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal, and Bruce-Brown ASCAP IT SAW HER STANDING THERE A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far, Mr. Potter? A-one-two-three-FOUR! Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts... it is much too dangerous! Well there's a snake, slithering Below the girls' latrine And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh Cause it saw her standing there You see apparently, my friend Hermione Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair So I took a chance, way down under, oh Cause it saw her standing there Serves her right! Shut up, Draco! Well my heart went boom, when I found that room And I held my hand over my eyes Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle. AND I'm Lord Voldemort!! Oh I stabbed two snakes that night Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh Till I saw him standing there You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes. Ready with the firework, then, Harry? I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out. Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders! Oh really? Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast, you might not like spiders very well, either. I suppose not. Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom But then that red bird landed just in time Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?! Oh the whole thing worked out great And now Hermione's wide awake And before too long I'll be a full wizard I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh Cause I saw it standing there Dobby is free! Oh since I saw it standing there You lost me my servant, boy! Yeah well since I saw it standing there Thank you Harry Potter sir! Dobby thanks you and thanks you! Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter... Oh yes! © 2001 Steve Goodie and Paul McCartney ASCAP (PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME EAT) SUSHI My friends give me grief Cause I don't eat raw fish from the coral reef On this sushi they're hooked But I like my food cooked I want to know where's the beef I'm not down with this hip scene I'll be at the diner having bacon and beans Please don't make me eat sushi I don't need your bacter-ee-eye I got KFC for ecoli Please don't make me eat sushi I get a hankerin for chocolate pie I get a craving for, french fries I get a yen sometimes for a pasta dish But I never get a yearning for, raw fish Still squirmin from the sea Give me a salad or a waffle man If I want fish I'll open a can Please don't make me eat sushi Ain't nothin' wrong with a bowl of chili I don't want to eat Free Willy Please don't make me eat sushi (faster) I like the Teriyaki I like the hot saki I like the rice I don't mind the spice But I might commit hari kari If I don't get something culinary Or something marinari Like a barbecued canary Stir-fry the tooth fairy I'm going back to dairy Please don't make me eat sushi I'll yell for help if I have to eat kelp And where's my fortune cookie I'd rather blow a fish than eat blowfish Please don't make me eat sushi © 2001 Steve Goodie and Maria Menozzi ASCAP GRANDPA'S DEAD Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I got some news I thought you ought to know Your grandpa's dead, so you can drop that fishing pole He's not going nowhere, he's staying in bed Maybe you should play croquet instead Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, and like I said Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead, Grandpa's dead I'm sorry boy, it's sure sad but true Grandpa's dead, and he seemed quite fond of you And no one else really likes you that much And poor Grandpa's pretty cold to the touch Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead... take it boy... Oh no, Grandpa! Grandpa! I want my Grandpa back! Oh Grandpa, wake up! He's not asleep, he's not turning and tossing If you shake him real good, you can hear the formaldehyde sloshing Grandpa's dead, he's six feet underneath Grandpa's dead, but you can keep on wearing his teeth Don't be a sissy, boy, you gotta learn One day you're hear, the next you're full of worms Cause like I said, Grandpa's dead Like I said, Grandpa's dead © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THAT MOTEL SMELL I'm on the road about forty-five weeks a year, and that's a lot of time to be on the road, and I stay in a lot of little places, sometimes not so nice, thought I'd tell you about it... In every town there's a familiar sight Affordable places to stay for the night Big plastic signs lit up so bright They leave out the frills, and they leave on the light Hope you know what I'm talking about... If you don't, maybe you better ask your sister Lucille... At the bulletproof window I fill out a form I get my key, and I open my door The walls are all brick, the carpet is torn And it hits me in the nose like a thousand times before It's that motel smell, that I know so well It's like a locker room inside a Taco Bell "Get us out of here!" I hear my nostrils yell Because of that motel smell The cigarette burns are deep and bold The phone doesn't work, and the shower is cold And bolted to the desk is a remote control For a black and white TV with no verticle hold Not to mention that motel smell, that I know so well Fix it up just a bit, you got a prison cell Reminds me of the aftermath of a can of Hormel's That motel smell Here's what twenty bucks will buy me Dark and scary and hairy and slimy, oh yeah The holes in the blanket are baseball-size I'm chasing rats and I'm swatting flies And through the wall I can hear the cries Of the couple in the next room winning the prize Yeah, it's got that motel smell, that I know so well From the stains on the mattress to the towels from hell Like the olfactory equivalent of Howard Cosell That motel smell Yeah I need some housekeeping! It's a little too late... Play that guitar, boy... © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP MY GIRL GOES Improvised live in the studio by Steve Goodie and Burpo Hey fellas! Yes? You wanna hear something good? (hiccup) Oh yeah! Tell us! Tell us now! Yeah right! Ho ho ho! 'Kay man! I got a girl that looks so nice That she looks at me once or twice Then my girl is so sweet That sometimes she shares her meat You know what else she does? (cough) What? She does something good! Oh boy! My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... My girl goes... What else she do? And she goes... And she goes... Untie the rope! And she goes... Let me out of the car! Boy she goes... I really gotta go to the bathroom! Yeah she goes... And she goes... And she goes... And...I don't wanna play anymore! And...Ten cent chorizo! Then she goes... Then she goes... Then she goes... That's wrong! She goes... Then she goes... And... Hey, man, where's my spaghetti? And... But sometimes she comes to my house at night And she wears these pants, and her pants are tight Well I go no, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no No, no... Drum solo! Hootenany, hootenany I said drum solo! Boy he's good! Beat that baby! My baby goes... What a jerk! (A bunch of incoherent stuff, ending with...) Little skinny bitch... I can't play no more. © 2000 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP |
Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some Before I met you boy, I was lonesome But when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light And this old world seemed new to me B'mir bist du schon, please let me explain B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand What you say? B'mir bist du schon, again I'll explain It means you're the fairest in the land I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon So kiss me and say you'll understand Drum solo! B'mir bist du schon, you've heard it all before But let me try to explain B'mir bist du schon means that you're grand B'mir bist du schon, it's such an old refrain And yet I should explain It means I am begging for your hand I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are I'll try to explain, b'mir bist du schon So kiss me and say you'll understand So kiss me and say that you will understand © Secunda/Jacobs/Cahn/Chaplin ASCAP MOSES, DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING? Moses, you're the greatest You freed us years ago But the promised land is still a promise Moses, didn't you know where you were going? Thirty-nine years back, you split the sea in two But did you think to pack an atlas, ask directions, no not you How 'bout a measley trail of breadcrumbs, hell a compass ought to do Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? We thought you had a strategy, a plan for every crunch Aside from wandering and praying for a miracle for lunch The Buddha never pulled this kind of stunt on just a hunch Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? Manna (man oh manna) I'm getting sick and tired of Manna (for breakfast, for dinner) I'd like a steak or a banana (some veal parmegiana) Even some tofu would be grand Hey Moses, how far to Milk And Honey Land? Pharoah (Pharoah? Where?) Maybe he ain't so bad that Pharoah (We do like Mia Farrow) I kind of miss my old wheelbarrow We were crazy kids, building pyramids Hey! Israelites! It's Moses! Don't forget... Egypt was the pits Made this place look like the Ritz You got no pay, no benefits Hey! Dig these funky tab-e-lets The Ten Commandments, that was good And the Torah, moi! the best! And that crazy circumcision A little harsh but nonetheless The Big G was on when He created north and south and east and west! Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? Didn't you know, didn't you know where you were going? © 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP I WANT TO BE IRISH When I was just a little lad my mother asked of me "What do you want my darling boy, what do you want to be? A doctor? A lawyer? Some kind of PhD?" But I said, "Sorry mama, mine is a fakakta destiny I want to be Irish, Irish, Irish Oy I want to get lucky in a pub by the sea What have I done? I'll be an O'Brien, O'Grady, O'Veyesmir I want to be Irish Irish Irish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee" And then we danced the hora the whole night through, and watched leprechauns... So I sailed away to Ireland and broke me mother's heart There I shed me former self and made a brand new start Me friends all call me Seamus, sweet Molly calls me dear And as we walked on down the aisle I heard her whisper in me ear "I want to be Jewish, Jewish, Jewish What? I want to read Talmud on Christmas Eve No no no no... I want to eat lotsa, matza, and whitefish Oy... I want to be Jewish Jewish Jewish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee" This is terrible How could it be worse? What'll I tell me mother? So we flew back to America where Mama welcomed us She hugged my darling Molly, saying, "You'll convert I trust" Molly said, "Yes Mama, I already did" Mama said, "My dear, that's wonderful, but what about the kids?" Ummmm... They're gonna be Jewish, and Irish, and Jewish Oh my God! Manischewitz and Guinness equally You're drunk! With names like Abraham O'Flannahan McGeeberg They're gonna be Jewish Irish Jewish Irish Irish Catholic Protestant Jewish Just as Jewish Irish as can be A diddly-doh, a diddly-dee © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MY LITTLE BABUSHKA Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy My little Babushka, how can it be Although there's one of me, she cooks for three She makes gefilte fish, and matza brie There's something coming from the oven constantly I see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans Baking cake, with aching hands Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold Oh how I'd love to be there now Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy My little babushka, she's far away She's up in Canada, and I'm in L.A. I know she misses me, I miss her too And so it goes, sometimes that's all that we can do I hear the phone ring thousands of miles away A sparkling voice, little wooden cane Tapping on the sidewalk, bus stop's not too far But how I need to be there now Babushka, ty moya na vsegda ty babushka Kak-by soodba nye staralas da nye raskeedala nas There's a place in my heart where we're always together Where the dishes are full, oy yoy yoy Where the laughter is full, oy yoy yoy Where her grandson's an arm's reach away Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy The years get heavier, as they go by I know she carries them, how hard she tries She may not walk as fast, she may need time to rest But in her smiling eyes I'll always see her strong as ever I'll see her dancing, balancing the pots and pans Baking cake, with an expert's hands Soup is on the table, sit down it's getting cold Oh how I'd love to be there now Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Oy, yoy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy Ni ni ni ni, oy yoy, yoy yoy © 1999 Jacob Kantor ASCAP MY BUBBIE'S A KILLER Well she talks like Robert DeNiro (Robert DeNiro) But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro (Mrs. Shapiro) I've heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes She'll make you an offer you're a schmuck to refuse She may not look like the godfather type In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla (Oh no no no) But my Bubbie's a killer (Killer!) Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel (Poor Jimmy The Jimmy The Pretzel) Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel (Vroom vroom!) She didn't stop she just dropped him right there on his lawn Doing three miles an hour with her turn-signal on She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya (Yum yum yum yum) My bubbie's a killer (Killer!) Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza She woulda got caught, but they forgot About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me She's just a grandma, from a crime family She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree In the first degree in the first degree She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla But to me she's just Grandma Guerrilla ( Grandma Guerrilla?) The Sephardic Godzilla Hey, my bubbie's a killer (Killer!) © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HI MOM, IT'S ME (Dialing sounds) You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak (Beep!) Hi Mom it's me, your son, number three Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh I wish you were in, cause by now it has been Three weeks since you did my wash It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry Not mention all the dishes in the sink If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink And also, I just wanted to ask if... (Beep!) Hello? You've been cut off. Hello? I was cut off? I wasn't done. It's one of those thirty-second things. I'm so sick of thios answering machine... I'll just call again... This is ridiculous... (Dialing sounds) You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek (Same message since 1974...) Please leave your name and number at the beep (Drones on and on...) You have 30 seconds in which to speak (Beep!) Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again This time I'll try to speak more rapidly If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter Better bring your socket wrenches when you come And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum And also, I was just going to ask... (Beep!) Would you please let me finish?! I'm going to try one more time, but that's it! I'm getting sick of this. (Dialing sounds) Unbelievable! Hello Joshua...? Ma? Is that you? I just left a couple messages... Yes, this is your mother, you should be more like your brother He takes care of things himself no help from me I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you You're 30 and still sitting on my knee! I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death And Oprah says I have to draw the line Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine! I don't know what to do... ahhh, you're driving me crazy! Come on, Mom... I'll just ask Grandma! But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin' I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine © 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Sharon Port ASCAP MENDEL THE REINDEER So you think you've heard them all Every Christmas song Every yuletide carol that has ever come along That's not quite true We present one more to you Mendel the Reindeer reported for work On the 24th night of December Mendel had come all the way from New York Clutching an overnight letter Saying Dasher was sick and a desperate St. Nick Needed somebody healthy instead But Santa didn't hire Mendel He took a reindeer named Fred Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel, Mendel What do you know about Christmas anyway? What do you know? Oy vey! Mendel asked Santa Claus, "Why'd you reject me? So blatantly, anti-Semitically?" But Santa said, "Mendel, that's simply not true Just look around here, we're all Jewish too" You know Herschel and Harry and Larry and Tevya Lenny and Izzy and Yankel and Edna Jewish reindeer one and all, each one of them is They just changed their Hebrew names for showbiz ("Even Rudolph?" "Well, he's Hindu...") Mendel-le, Mendel-le, won't you please believe Who else would want to work for me every Christmas Eve? Mendel Mendel, would you be mollified If I said you're overqualified Maybe you'd be better suited for a desk job What do you say? Okay! Mendel the reindeer reported for work On the 26th day of December Sorting complaints from the bad boys and girls Who got socks instead of Nintender And Dasher got well, and Fred went back to Jersey To his job at the agnostic petting zoo So what do we know about Christmas anyway? It's Jews pulling the sleigh Except for Rudolph, he's from Bombay And oh, by the way The Easter bunny's gay © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP TWIST OF THE DREIDEL I had it good, I had it made A kitchenette, a Chevrolet Money, laundry, big screen TV I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel Of the dreidel It started out a friendly game Once in a while, but it became All night after work, little Bobby Schwartzberg Took it all with a sharp cruel twist of the dreidel Of the dreidel I'd be the first to say I should have stood and walked away But now it's all too late I played to win, I raised the stakes, I let it spin And left it up to fate Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Gimmel! Nun! Nuts!! And now I'm living in a box beside the road No kitchenette, no commode No friends, no shoes, nothing left to lose I lost it all with a sharp, cruel twist of the dreidel But I still hear it call I've seen the dreidel and the damage done But I wanna have some fun Ein svi drei latka! I'm getting lucky tonight Lucky! I'm getting lucky tonight Dreidel dreidel, made of clay-del Dreidel made a fool out of me © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP NUDNIQUE A commercial announcement Boy, someone smells good! Thanks! What is that, is that Obsession? No... Temptation? No... No Jacob... that's Nudnique! Nudnique? That's right, Nudnique. For people who are tired of their old frangrance wearing off after just three or four weeks. Nudnique... the scent that just won't go away. © 1999 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, Julia Kantor, and Maria Menozzi ASCAP KATUSHA This one is entirely in Russian, and I can't make head or tail of it! © Isakov THOSE WERE THE DAYS The first verse and chorus are in Russian, and once again, I have no idea what we're saying... but then... Once upon a time there was a tavern Where we used to raise a glass or two Remember how we'd laugh away the hours And dream of all the great things we would do Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end We'd sing and dance forever and a day We'd live the lives we choose, we'd fight and never lose For we were young and sure to have our way Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye, nye... Traditional / Raskin LET'S GO PLANT A TREE Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Put it in the ground That doesn't sound so hard to me Rain will cost us bubkus Sunlight's always free Pardon my abruptness, but let's go Let's plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree Give a bird a thrill Someplace to chill with a chickadee Soon we'll see a forest Where Macy's used to be Squirrels will adore us for this Let's go plant a tree Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat, Tu Bishvat Happy Tu Bishvat Give it all you got Say what? Why not? All year long You'll be far away Far from here Thinking about your tree My tree Which is making the air you breathe My tree! Break it up! Let's go plant a tree Let's go plant a tree They're running out of toothpicks At the toothpick factory And the Sunday morning paper Comes halfway up my knee Yes we must recycle I suggest we plant a tree Come on let's recycle Michael row the boat-a Tell Mary and Rhoda Luke and Yoda, North and South Dakota Everybody let's go plant a tree Chop chop chop! © 2000 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
Hey we’re Girlband! Rockin’ Brownie troop 308! Put on your PJs and your bunny slippers, Cause everyone’s invited to a slumber party! Hey hey howdy, be my friend Come on over and let's pretend We're superheroes who've got a band that rocks Hey hey howdy, let's wiggle till Our tongues fall out and our bladders spill Let's have ourselves a killer pillow fight And we'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed until we barf It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party My brother's away at military school! It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party I made the onion dip! It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone Go to sleep, don't go to sleep Hey hey howdy, potato chips Braid you hair with glitter clips Smother up your bubble lips with gloss Hey hey howdy, we'll make some noise No cooties from no stinky boys If you see one then feed him poison rocks And we'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed We'll all jump on the bed until we barf It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party Don't eat that, that's not peanut butter! It's fun it's fun to have a slumber party C'mon, somebody paint my toenails! It's fun it's fun we won't let anyone Go to sleep, don't go to sleep Hey hey howdy Oh hey hey howdy I said hey hey howdy © 2001 Burpo ASCAP BUY MY COOKIES Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads… Start your engines! It’s that time of year… You see us coming out of the minivans Wearing our cute little uniforms And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes You know the boxes You know what I’m talking about! 308, 308, 308 is so darn great! I want to go to summer camp, I would like to earn a bike The pretty pink one! There are plenty of prizes in the catalog I know I'd really like I want that, I want that, I want that! You see me a-boppin' down your street You pretend that you're not home Pretend that you're on the telephone Hey I'll kick your screen door down Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Guitar! I'm bringing my little brother Got my mom driving the van You have no flippin' out idea How serious I am If those brats living on the hill Beat me this time I swear I'll T.P. your entire house And I'll pull out my own hair Ow! Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Now I know you've got your excuses Oh, I'm sorry, You've caught me without my checkbook Oops! I just started Jenny Craig Look here Lola... I see what you've got in that shopping bag. And it's not cottage cheese! Remember that I’m nine years old I’ll outlive all you all I’ll hunt you down every street I’ll chase you through the mall I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby I know what I need While you waddle into your SUV This Girl Scout’s built for speed Buy my cookies, buy my cookies I’m begging you, buy my cookies You better buy ‘em Please buy my cookies Just one box, just one box Just, just, just one box, one box What? One of each? Uh huh… Wow! Uh huh… uh huh! We see what you’re made of Folding like a house of cards C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me I guess I could bring ‘em by… P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh P is for pushy © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP POOP ON THAT My stupid little brother's in my stuff again He's wearing my brand new hat I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well Poop on that My stupid older sister got a baseball glove And a brand new aluminum bat I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?" But my little sister wanted a cat Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox Poop on that My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework Cause I put some gum where he sat It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that Poop solo! Tommy likes Suzie better than me I heard him say that I'm too fat And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well Poop on that Grandma came by for a little visit She was bossing me in no time flat Now she says she's staying all summer, well... All summer... for the love of pete... July... how will I endure? Come kiss Grandma!! Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poopy doop Cha cha cha © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND No one really understands How bedtime rescues me The only math I ever do Is when I’m counting sheep The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Hot chocolate swims around me I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy I’m a floating marshmallow In my jammies with the feet The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind Wishing makes it mine I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Grownups wait in line I’m flying purple roller blades I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Solitary mind, solitary mind Hari krishna, krishna krishna Hari hari Oo oh gee I'm sorry Would you like to play Atari Not even in Tucumcari For Halloween I'm Mata Hari Like my dad's brand new Ferrari I voted for Marion Bar-ry Who drives a '94 Volare He's a cracker jack There's no such thing as a '94 Volare They stopped making 'm in '79 Creative license Mine has been revoked! I'm not just a rock star, I'm an artist! I'm not just Mayor McCheese, I'm a cultural i-con-vict I'm not an actor, But I play one on TV I'm not a headphone, But I am stuck in your ear Don't hate me because I'm pitiful There goes a guitar down the street My name is Luca Choo choo! Like almond rooca Hey, bull... © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP MY BROTHER’S COMING BACK Things had been terrible They’d just been terrible But things are looking up Yah they’re looking up He’d gotten a scholarship He’d gotten a scholarship Cause he can swish and dunk Can he swish and dunk He’d been away too long But now he’s coming home My brother’s coming back to town, to town To town, to town When bullies pulled my ponytail Bullies pulled my ponytail My brother beat ’em up Yeah he beat ’em up He tried to teach our dog to dance Tried to teach our dog to dance But then he gave that up Yeah he gave that up He’d been away too long But now he’s coming home My brother’s coming back to town, to town To town, to town He’s got a moustache now He’s got a moustache now It’s not too thick in spots Not too thick in spots He still drinks all the milk He still drinks all the milk He drinks straight from the box Yeah straight from the box He’d been away too long But now he’s coming home My brother’s coming back, I said My brother’s coming back, I said My brother’s coming back to town, to town To teach that dog to dance Town, to town He still drinks all the milk Town, to town It’s not too thick in spots Spots © 2001 Burpo ASCAP PINKY SWEAR Summertime comes to a close Time to pack away our summer camp stuff And go with our mommies home We've made friends And now it's time to say with a tear In our little old eye... "Bye bye, my friend, good bye bye." I wanted you to be the very last to sign my shirt Though you’re wet from water bombs I’d still give you a hug There’s still punch and popsicles but I’m not hungry now Everyone should know that nothing ever has to change You live over by the hills so You’ll go to a different Junior High Over there Pinky swear you’ll still come over almost every day Pinky swear that we’re the best of friends If you moved to Cucamonga I would write to you I pinky swear it’s true © 2001 Burpo ASCAP MS. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team My favorite book’s the one you always read to me The Harry Potter one, that’s got the chimpanzee I wish all of my free time, was just you and me time Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team But then on summer break you go away Do you live in the cabinet, do you live in your jeep Do you have to listen when your mom says go to sleep I watch TV till I can hardly see But I’d rather hang around your desk And watch you grade our sheets Pick me, Ms. G I want to be the one to ride around in your black Jeep Pick me, Ms. G I’d give up half my Pokemon if you’ll play on our team Who is the teacher that is really cool Who makes you want to do well in school (not me) Who teaches readin’ and writin’ and stuff (I know) Who says “Good morning, Flufferpuff” Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G All right, here I’m waving my hand, Ms. G, Ms. G! I know, I know, I know the answer! Pick me! Pick me Ms. G!! Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G, Ms. G © 2001 Burpo ASCAP TALK IN ESPANOL Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our Spanish-speaking merit badge! That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session! We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol Can you say hola? Hola! Como esta? Como esta! Taco? Taco! Chalupa? Chalupa! That’s very very very good… Talk in Espanol! That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol Pop quiz #1 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #2 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol (even the dog) We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #3 Ba la la la, La Bamba Ba la la la, La Bamba Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Chalupa… © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP TRAINING BRA Oh Mom, why can’t I have one I’ll take good care of it, I swear Oh Mom, why can’t I be like everyone All my friends are set up there Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra… Oh Mom, how come I’m so slow I’m almost nine and a half Oh Mom, how come I don’t grow In the brownie troop everyone laughs Training bra, you need a training bra Go get a training bra, a little a training bra Training bra, you need a training bra Sears makes training bra, a little training bra… You’re much too young But I want one, oh… Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Get me a training bra, I need a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra I need a training bra, get me a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra A lacy training bra, get me a training bra Training bra, I want a training bra Just like my ma Get me a training bra, I need a training bra With lace on top Training bra, I want a training bra Just like my ma Get me a training bra I need a training, I’m tired of explaining Training bra Please! © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP REAL GOOD CRY It’s supper time, but none for me I tripped this boy, he chipped his teeth They don’t understand me, nobody does Well I don’t care now, and that’s because I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye They cancel all the best cartoons Moms just say no to pet raccoons One day I’ll show them, I’ll show them all And they can’t ground me, when I’m so tall I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye I’ll hop aboard a boxcar, I’ll see the world I’ll join the army and the circus I’ll do just what I want to, I’ll sing all day I’ll live on Frosted Flakes and Yoohoo They say in school, just be yourself But when you do, they give you grief My classmates bore me, they’re all so slow They raise their hands up, when they don’t know I’m gonna treat myself to a real good cry Gonna mean it when I say goodbye Treat myself, real good cry Mean it when, I say goodbye Say goodbye © 2001 Burpo ASCAP BOYS ARE STINKY Who makes you puke every time you see ’em? Who’s the most creepy kind of human bein’? Who’s so gross and who’s so mean and Who’s so very very stinky? Boys are stinky They’re stinky stinky boys Boys are stinky Like a dirty diaper Boys are stinky Who makes you barf every time you see ’em? Who doesn’t wash when they’re done peein’? Who’s so dumb and who’s so rude and Who’s so very very very very very very stinky? I’ll tell ya… Boys are stinky Like a green burrito Boys are stinky I think I’m gonna pass out Boys are stinky, oh yeah I wouldn’t be a boy for all the money there is I’d much rather stick things in my eye If you’re a boy I feel sorry for you And your smell just makes me cry I’ll tell you why… Boys are stinky Like a big old green tornado Boys are stinky Like a bug in a potato Boys are stinky, oh yeah Stinky stinky stinky Stinky stinky stinky Stinky stinky stinky Stinky © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP (I CAN’T KISS YOU ‘CAUSE) I HAVE BRACES Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It’s field trip day, I’ve waited all week Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat We’re on the bus and we’re riding along But something’s wrong I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I’m such a dork, I feel so dumb This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb And you’re so tall, and your hair’s so wild But I’m afraid to smile I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places No I can’t kiss you cause I have braces Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah It’s always something and it’s so unfair I just know I’ve got a bunch of spinach stuck in there I sit by the phone and wait for your call But you won’t And it’s all the orthodontist’s fault All his fault All his fault All his fault I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth Metal metal metal metal in my mouth I got metal metal metal metal Metal metal metal metal, ahhh I can’t kiss you cause I have braces It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is I have metal in all the wrong places I can’t kiss you cause… I can’t kiss you cause I have braces [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] It doesn’t matter how sweet your face is [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I have metal in all the wrong places [blah blah blah blah] [metal metal metal metal in my mouth] I can’t kiss you cause I have braces © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP SLUMBER PARTY (reprise) One two three four! Yeah buddy, that sure was fun! And on behalf of myself, and Muffin, and Thea, and Cricket, we just want to invite everybody back to do this again, all the time, 'cause everybody knows... It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party The record’s over, play it again! It’s fun it’s fun to have a slumber party I got the music in my teeth! It’s fun it’s fun there won’t be anyone Who goes to sleep, don’t go to sleep Hey hey howdy Hey hey howdy Oh hey hey howdy Goodbye! Yeah, goodbye everybody! Remember to be nice, or you'll get in trouble! © 2001 Burpo ASCAP |
A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield There's something happening here It's been going on a couple of years There's grunting and moaning sounds Coming from the oval room in the White House She better stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down What a field day for the press They found a stain on Monica's dress They proved the case with DNA Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ It won't stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep Ee’s been working for tobacco creeps Spent 40 million dollars so far Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound President Willy's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Everyone but Hillary's going down © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP CHIMPANZEE A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield We come from monkeys we all know it we don't talk too much about it Ain't no real big secret we came down from the trees and now we're grounded Tommy, you have got some really big teeth Buddy, I believe you’ve got thumbs on your feet Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Somewhere somehow somebody must have swung you around some Who knows maybe a safari came into the jungle, kidnapped you, sold you to an organ-grinder who cleaned you up and made you dance around some Tommy, you dress up real weird on TV Buddy, you are just a goofy redneck to me Cause you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah buddy you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Tommy you ain’t the worst A lot of rockers have evolved in reverse Right now a banana's a meal to you But it's one of those things you got to peel to be food Somewhere somehow somebody must have thought you were handsome Some record exec must have heard your lyrics, and somehow he could understand ’em Tommy, please don't take it personally Buddy, you don’t sing too articulately And you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee Yeah Tom, you know that you look like a chimpanzee You know that you look like a chimpanzee © 2000 Steve Goodie and Mike Sterner ASCAP RENTING A parody of "Tempted" by Squeeze I packed a toothbrush, some toothpaste, wiped a tear from my face Cause my boss told me yesterday that I have been replaced So I said to my old landlord, "I can't pay for this place" Said goodbye to the neighbors, tore up all the bills Walked down to the station, the bus rolls on until I'm back again, back with my parents Cause I'm broke and I'm, quite unskilled So I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other Welcome back to hell, point me to my cell Slightly smothered, I'm renting out a room from my mother And hoping all my friends don't discover I'm in my bedroom, eating Froot Loops, watching Gilligan Mom says "It's been three months, hon, when you gonna try again?" I say, "Most guys like Ginger, but I like Mary Ann." Dad comes home, says "Hey loser, go get me a beer" But now I'm watching Jeopardy, so I don't even hear And it's Monday, so it's meatloaf I wish, I had a job But I'm renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other You're our only son, where did we go wrong There's no other, renting out a room from his mother Just a couple steps from the gutter I wash the car now, do the laundry, cook the meals too I buy the Metamucil, and I buy the denture glue And I mix up the prescriptions just to see what they'll do Renting out a room from my mother My parents shake their heads at each other What's been going on, did we raise a bum Makes me shudder, my self-esteem may never recover She makes me eat that smooth peanut butter, ecch Yeah I'm renting out a room from my mother I'm hoping all my friends don't discover That I'm renting out a room from my mother Here's hoping all my friends don't discover I'm renting out a room from my mother And hoping all my friends don't discover2 © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP TECHNICAL WRITER A parody of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles Technical writer, technical writer... Dear PC owner try and read my book About your new computer, better take a look It's based on schematics from an engineer But it's still unclear Cause I'm an apathetic technical writer Technical writer It's confusing, yeah, that's my revenge you see Cause I majored in art history And after sending out resumes far and wide I find I'm qualified To be an entry-level technical writer Technical writer Technical writer, technical writer... Welcome... File done... You've got mail... Goodbye It's a thousand pages give or take a few And not a word will mean a thing to you It's supposed to help you with your new machine Which I've never seen That doesn't matter to a technical writer Technical writer If you're really flustered you can call me up Dial 1-900-I-don't-give-a-f--- Five bucks a minute for consulting me That's the standard fee Cause I don't want to be a technical writer Technical writer Technical writer, technical writer... Abort, retry, ignore... Abort, retry, ignore... Segmentation fault. Core dumped. Technical writer, technical writer... Technical writer, technical writer... Technical writer, technical writer... I am not a geek! Technical writer, technical writer... © 1996 Steve Goodie, Timothy Weber, and Mike Long ASCAP UNCLE ALBERT A parody of "Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey" by Paul McCartney We're so sorry, Uncle Albert We're so sorry that you're going down the drain We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But we caught you in your panties and you should have pled insane And today in sports, the man known for bloopers has really saved the best for last... Pleading guilty to charges of biting, Marv Albert avoided live inprisonment for the much more serious offense of forced sodomy. He also pled no contest to charges of sporting an unbearable hairpiece. Christian Slater and Pee Wee Herman could not be reached for comment... But Mike Tyson is now calling Marv, Uncle Albert We're so sorry that we put you on display, all day We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But she says you went and bit her wearing only your toupee We have just received this tape of his wife's reaction: Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch! And his mother's reaction: Jesus C---- you stupid f------ son of a bitch! Despite the setback, a spokesman for Mr. Albert says that Marv is planning to open a chain of lingerie stores, to be called Marvin's Secret. And the Fox Network has been in touch... Saying that Marv would be perfect for their new forced sodomy division. We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But NBC has dropped your ass today We're so sorry, Uncle Albert But football's what we want, not your sleazy lingerie Welcome back, sports fans. It should be a good one this afternoon as the young Marv Albert, voice of the Nicks and the Rangers, takes on two women. If you'll recall, Frank, early in the game it appeared that Albert had the upper hand... and the upper pallette. That's right, Kathy, this young star could do no wrong! Certainly not in his own mind. He shoots, he scores, YES! Now the tables have turned... we can see him sweating... Oh, this can't be good for Albert I think his opponent has really got him by the -- Oh, now he's screaming at the referee! This can't help his already tarnished image. And, YES! The referee throws Marv out of the park! And out of the league. This seems to be the end of the line For the young hopeful. Marv Albert is out of the game, suspended indefinitely for unnecessary roughness. The man's dressed like his daughter Daughter Hands across her thigh Dropped his pants, and showed his garters Garters Damn the cost is high YES! He scores, he shoots! Got a hotel room, made it nice and dark Found that his bite was bigger than his bark Tried to force her head down but the little narc Wouldn't touch his cark Huh? what's a cark? Those bicuspids make a big mark The man's dead in the water Water Banned from TV Guide Take the stand, because she got ya Got ya Canned for sodom-y Little Marvin really used to get around Get around Biting girls all over town, til it all came crashing down Stick a fork in this guy, he is finished! Little Marvin said he never bit the slut Bit the slut Til another lady nailed his butt, even Dennis Rodman thinks he's nuts Dennis Rodman is lending Marv one of his prom dresses Isn't it poetic, Frank, that a man busted for cheating on his wife... And being, oh, just a smidge insensitive... Will soon be in Mike Tyson's old jail cell. In the words of Jim Bakker, life's a bitch... And so am I! Man you're in hot water Water Hands across your thigh Hey Marv, don't drop the soap! A lamb led to the slaughter Slaughter Man you'll be a bride I think he'll make a lovely bride! I agree, Kathy. And though he has some nerve wearing white, that boustier certainly flatters his figure. I understand that they'll be honeymooning in Cell Block W. That's right, Kathy. And they are planning a one-hour pre-game show, involving quite a bit of leather and dental foreplay. Oh, I can't wait for that! This is really shaping up into one of the most memorable seasons on record, isn't it? Yes it is, and today's lesson might be... Yakkety yak... Don't bite back... © 1997 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP HERE COMES MY SON A parody of "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, oy Little pisher It’s been a hot, sticky, humid summer Little pisher It seems like years since you mowed the lawn Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, you’re stupid Little pisher Wipe that smile off your face Little pisher It seems like years since you combed your hair What do you think you are, one of them crazy hippies from England rock stars? Here comes my son, here comes my son And I say, oy, my back hurts Son, son, son, here he comes Son, son, son, what a bum Son, son, son, have him hung Son, son, son, better run Son, son, son, where’s my gun Phasers on stun, make that kill! Oy my back… Little pisher It’s so hot I’m sweating bullets Little pisher Get me a beer, you shmuck Here comes my son, here comes my son, and I say, oy Here comes my son, here comes my son, oy © 1987 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE A parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean A long, long time ago I can still remember how the mirror used to make me smile And those nights we went out to dance, I'd put on my Travolta pants And even up my toenails with a file But there'd be less space in the room, with every cupcake I'd consume Bad news on the dance floor, I couldn't take one step more I can't remember if I cried when the woman that I fell on died But she sure tasted good deep-fried, with chips and slaw on the side, so... So bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet Did you read that diet book, it scared me so I couldn't look I kind of liked the pictures though Now do you believe in Rocky Road, do you like your cheesecake a la mode And hey baby would you like to share a root beer float Well I watched the workout on TV with my case of HoHos next to me The last time I saw my shoes, was 1972 I would love to have a roasted duck Some chicken or wine, hey, even pot luck But I knew I was just a shmuck the day my scale got stuck I started singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet Now for ten years I've been overblown And fat grows moss hanging from my bones But that's not how it used to be No, once I was up every morning at 5:15 In some shoes I borrowed from Mean Joe Green And a sweatshirt that came from L.L. Bean Well I'd run five miles in nothing flat, then another ten in less than that No candy, no big macs, not one between-meals snack Oh, but my strength grew low, my will got weak I'd buy a hotdog on the street And I knew I was really beat when I heard myself say "I'm stuffed, let's eat," and now I'm singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet And there it was, all on my plate, the carcass of that cow I ate But in an hour I'll eat again So come on, Jack eat this, Jack eat that, Jack Spratt, he got mighty fat Cause a fryer is a chicken's only friend Well my blood pressure's jumped a little bit, like the 1982 deficit Nobody's got the blues, til they wear size 72 Oh my weight climbed higher every night To Nabisco stockholders great delight I need an empty plane when I book a flight And boy are those bathrooms tight, I'm in there singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet I met a girl who sang the blues, and I'd hate to be in her shoes She told me this tale the other day She said, "I went down to the smorgasbord Where I got kicked out years before And the man there cried when I wouldn't go away But now she sits there in that seat, a small green salad is all she'll eat And not a threat is spoken, when she leaves no chairs are broken But the three things she's obsessed with most Simmons, Fonda, and Melba Toast They're why she looks like a ghost And is she happy, no not even close Wish she were singing... Bye bye American diet I'm heavy but I'm healthy, everybody should try it I can eat what I want, long as I don't deep-fry it And it'll be some years til I die It'll be some years til I die But she's still singing... Bye bye chocolate cream pie I'm as heavy as my Chevy and I'm four times as wide Can't get down a hall without greasing my sides I hate weight-watching but I'll try it This'll be the day that I diet © 1988 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP HEAVING ON A JET PLANE A parody of "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by John Denver Well my bags are checked, and I’m ready to go I’m nervous, and my blood-pressure’s low Already I’ve been to the bathroom seven times Now we’ve taken off, and I’m in my seat The stewardess brought me something to eat My stomach’s turning backflips as we climb And I’m heaving on a jet plane This never happens on a train Oh God, I must be damned I’m heaving on a jet plane Here comes my dinner and lunch again Oh God, when will we land © 1989 Steve Goodie ASCAP I’LL HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU… A parody of "I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song" by Jim Croce Well I know you’re kind of late I hope that you’re not pregnant Cause you’re kind of under-aged And your dad’s a police lieutenant Every kind of contraceptive But still we got it wrong So I’ll have to say I love you… then I’m gone Every kind of contraceptive But my boys were swimming strong So I’ll have to say I love you… from Guam Since you missed your period You’re gonna miss your junior prom So I’ll have to say I love you… single mom © 1995 Chris Smith, Ty Hager, and Steve Goodie ASCAP MORONIC A parody of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Hey! What? Is that a new nurse over there? That's a candy striper, they call 'em. I thought they were candy strippers. That'd be nice. Yeah it would. I'm an old man, 'bout 98 I'm here in this nursing home, with my best friend, Bill Say hi Bill, Bill, wake up! "What'd ya say?" Hey, Bill, you got a big old fly in your, what are you drinking there, lemonade? A fly?! Is it moving? No. Hell, I'll drink it anyway Oh, Bill, you're moronic! Yeah, well you stink! I'll take your catheter, and hook it up the wrong way Tell your kids you're dead next visiting day Yeah that'll work real well, like my kids show up anyway Hey, Bob! What? Your goiter there... What about my goiter? I think it's getting bigger! What's the matter with you, you old fart? I got that arthritis kicking up, I can't unzip my fly Go get that nurse over there! That one? No not that one, that's a guy! Can I 6help you, Mr. Schwartz? You can sure as hell try! I want my consarned zipper down, if I could just remember why Good God, you're moronic! Yeah, well you STILL stink! I'll take the batteries from your hearing aid When you're in the room I'll run the microwave Switch your Polygrip with a tube of Ben-Gay And you know Bob, I still think your goiter's getting bigger All right, Bill, that's enough with the goiter jokes... The Goodyear goiter, ladies and gentlemen! It's not funny, it's in bad taste, and you don't hear me making jokes about that big ugly thing on your ass. Your mother's the big ugly thing on my ass! Hey, my mother's been dead for 87 years! Well, it's about time to get her off my ass then, isn't it? You're a sick man, Bill. I'd like to get that Alladin Morrison on my ass! Who, her? Yeah. Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it, Bill? Decades... She got a platinum record, barely out of her teens It was a great big hit, she got a great big limousine But she has no idea what her lyrics really mean Rain at a wedding, oh yeah, that's deep irony Ironing, yeah, my shorts are wrinkled I bet they are, everything attached to you is wrinkled I thought you didn't want to talk about your mother anymore I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about that shiksa on stage Hey! Alladin! It's like your brain is hooked up the wrong way Don't you realize you have nothing to say Here's some good advice, get a Webster's right away And do it before your head gets bigger You know, Bill, I've been in this nursing home for two years. Yeah? When does the nursing start? That's what I want to know. Is this song gonna be on MTV, Bob? I think so; we're part of the hip generation! Yeah, well, I just broke one. What, you broke your generation? No -- my hip! Well, that's ironic. Good thing something in this song is. It's not funny though. I think I'm gonna die now. Okay. © 1996 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP VIRILE MAN He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land We call him Mr. President, Virile Man He’s got those wacky nutty politician’s glands And lots of motel keys, Virile Man He says Paula, take some dictation And how ’bout some oral copulation Now Gennifer and Monica and Paula have Seen the first weenie, Virile Man, hey! He says my friends, I promise I’m no Clarence Thomas He's practically a Kennedy, he’s got happy hands We call him Mr. President, Virile Man He may not be a Nixon Nixon But he’s still tricky dickin’ He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land We call him Mr. President, Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man © 1997 Ty Hager and Steve Goodie ASCAP |
Well she talks like Robert DeNiro But she goes by the name of Mrs. Shapiro I'd heard of Jews in the mob, but I just didn't think There's a gangster in that little old lady by the sink She's got a real short fuse and orthopedic shoes She'll make you an offer you're a shmuck to refuse She may not look like the godfather type In her pearls and a full-length chinchilla My bubbie's a killer Did you hear about Jimmy The Pretzel? Rubbed out last night by someone in a '52 Edsel She didn't stop, she just dropped him right there on his lawn Doing three miles an hour with her turn signal on She's got 200 rounds in her flannel nightgown And if you beat her at bingo better get out of town She'll pinch your cheek, she'll straighten your hair Then with lead matza balls she will fill ya My bubbie's a killer Well they nearly shut her down working Lollapalooza She woulda got caught, but they forgot About the spare bullet she keeps in her mezzuzah I'm just a grandma, nobody loves me She's just a grandma, from a crime family She's knitting while committing murder in the first degree She likes her food pre-chewed, cause her teeth come unglued A smooth talker with a walker and a bad attitude In Rome she is known as the kosher Attilla But to me she's just Granny Guerrilla My bubbie's a killer © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PLANET SYNDICADIO They found a planet where everybody's got their own TV show We got excited just hearing about it, so we decided we've gotta go We've gotta go, to planet Syndicadio And when we got there, they told us that we were just perfect We got a slot from 9:30 to 10 Every Thursday night, we're on the satellite, cause... Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom Sit down, don't worry, stay calm It takes a little, it takes a little while But it's inevitable You can be dumb, short, ugly You can even be a fascist dictator It doesn't matter As long as you've got a, you've got a little style And a big rocket ship Yes it's true, it can happen to you Now we're the hit of Syndicadio, on TV and radio We're signing autographs and getting awards wherever we go Wherever we go But it's no fun being world-famous when your name is just as big as ours Everybody's a star From the guy at the alley who sprays the bowling shoes To the idiot anchor on the evening news From the head of the Teamsters to a couple singing Jews From the janitor at Starbuck's to you and you and you Sooner or later everybody's gonna get their own sitcom Shut up, lights, camera, you're on You need some makeup, you have spinach in your teeth But it's inevitable You can be a weird, annoying, egomaniac Or the ex-mayor, of Cincinatti As long as you've got a perceptible heartbeat And an agent you can trust Yes it's true, it can happen to you Yes it's true, it will happen to you © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MANIAC ON THE INTERSTATE I'm a meek gentle soul I would never hurt anyone I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for fun But when I get behind the wheel It's a different story indeed I'm a maniac on the interstate I'm powered by hostility I'm a psychopath in the carpool lane I'd cut off my own family I'm looking at a cardiac, doing 85 Get me to the DMV And take this freakin' license from me Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am I like knitting and canasta I'm an expert at shuffleboard Who needs 31 flavors, I run a vanilla store But when I turn that key There's a whole bunch of NASCAR in me I'm a maniac on the interstate Like everybody in LA I'm a psychopath with two cell phones Get the hell out of my way I'm blowing out my Cadillac, on the 405 (I've) got no liability Doing 'bout a hundred and three Busted by the CHP They took my phony license from me Cause it's not, cause it's not who I am Hi everybody, this is Al DiBraccio, your traffic professional in the channel 8 news copter... traffic is REAL ugly this afternoon... we've had an unprecedented EIGHTEEN personal injury accidents on the 405 between Rosecrantz and Mulholland, including 2 major gas spills and 7 fires, with at least 120 known fatalities, and all lanes are standing still from Oceanside up to Sacramento. Seems like one nutjob in a Cadillac has pretty much taken everyone out of the race today. This traffic report brought to you by the Betty Ford Idiot Driver Rehabilitation Clinic. Traffic making you nuts? Check into the idiot ward! © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP THREE BUCKS AN HOUR Well I saw an ad in the paper, and it seemed like just my type This advertisement read, "help wanted, male, dependable day or night Hours vary but forty a week is guaranteed Time and a half for over time and all the towels you need" Well I quickly dialed the number and I was greeted by a sigh And I said, "I'm calling about that job." He said, "You know how to cry?" "Sir I've sobbed in Cincinnati, lord I wept in Birmingham I leaked all over Louisville, I strained the Hoover Dam I watered beer in Milwaukee, salted peanuts down in Plains And they ring me up from Phoenix when they need some extra rain" I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do So they got up a pool, hired a professional fool I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you Yes I do He said, "You ever been in love, son?" and I began to wail He said, "You just listen here," and he told me all your tales Of all the guys you've left, and before he got halfway through We both broke down a-sobbin' and he said, "I guess you'll do." So I got myself a bucket, and I built myself a chair And seven days out of the week now honey you can find me just a-sittin' there Waiting for a call from Bill or John or Bob or Kirk Keep on breaking hearts now honey I really need the work I work, forty hours a week now baby, crying over you All the men you left behind tell me they got better things to do So they got up a pool, hired themselves a professional fool I get, three bucks an hour now for crying over you And time and a half for overtime, fringe benefits too © 1985 Michael Beeson ASCAP NO GROUPIES Nobody's waiting backstage, to take off our trousers No one gets minimum wage to worship and arouse us No groupies Nobody to grope and idolize us No groupies Hiding in the hatchback to surprise us Who's gonna follow us home and jump up and down in a thong Who's gonna pick up the phone and tell her naked friends to come along No groupies No constant unsolicited attention No groupies No need to purchase pregnancy prevention The Rolling Stones have girls up the wazoo Even though their prostates are turning blue Doesn't anyone fancy a Jew, or two No groupies No underwear propelled in our direction No groupies Just lots of practice dealing with rejection I think we've got it mastered to perfection I wanna make a teenage love connection And start my screaming nympho fan collection But I guess it won't be happening... tonight © 1998 Jacob Kantor and Steve Goodie ASCAP I CONFESS I know this girl who's kind of wacked Nice guys just cannot turn her on, she likes psychos in the sack And though I've never done hard time For her I admit to every capital crime Cause when I concoct some evil doings She leaps into lingerie She lowers the lights, and she starts cooing "Baby, did you kill anyone today?" Oh you bet, I confess, with great speediness My lies always please her Those heads in the freezer (wink wink) They give her a smile Yes yes when I invent, a vicious event She begs me to squeeze her I'm a monster I guess I confess, come on let's, get undressed If I say I robbed the liquor store She squeals and writhes and hollers more more more more more more more She'll do whatever I tell her to When I say my library books are way way overdue And when I describe my five hijackings She dresses like a stewardess Now my seat is upright and locked for, snacking And she fondles my hostages Yes yes yes I confess I'm unscrupulous I'm no good, I'm trouble I'm no Barney Rubble Now let's hit the hay-ay-ay Yes I did it myself, not nobody else And the romance just doubles I have sinned and transgressed Yes yes yes, I confess -- get the peanut butter Now I may have gotten carried away When I confessed to killing both JFKs She looked suspiciously my way Til I said... "um... wait... not THOSE JFKs... I mean the John F. Konigsberg twins... You know, that stinky Hungarian acrobat team that you're always making fun of?" Yes yes yes I confess, I'm so malicious I'm wicked and sneaky I'm twisted and freaky I'm your kind of guy Yes yes, when I confess, though it's ficticious I'm no longer geeky What a beast I've become But at least I'm getting some... I CONFESS! © 1999 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HIT BY A TRAIN Frank worked at the lumber store Guess he'd been there forever His life was wood, and he was bored And his heart was heavy Frank had loved many times before A little pleasure, lots of pain But when Sarah walked through that door, well Love hit him like a train, and he said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it I hate the way it makes you act like a fool I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've learned to live without it But tie me to the tracks and see what you can do Sarah worked as a receptionist She didn't really like her job But she had to feed two little kids Their daddy hadn't helped since he took off Oh how she had loved that man And now she thought that love was insane But when her eyes met Frank's, well Love hit her like a train, and she said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it Life already has enough stress I don't want to get hit by a train no more The kids won't understand it But tie me to the tracks and we'll work out the rest Sometimes you don't see those red flashing lights But Frank and Sarah were at their crossroads And their train was on time, and they said... I don't want to get hit by a train no more I've tried it I don't like it When it derails it'll mess up your mind I don't want to get hit by a train no more But with you I could ride it We're on the right track, let's see what we can find We're on the right track, let's get on down the line © 1994 Ty Hager ASCAP PARKING SPOT I go to work in LA, and I don't want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet It's called a Geo But then an hour I waste, cause there's no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, LA Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away At owner's expense So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar No, it's handicapped I can't disregard the blue wheelchair It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won't even let me idle The world is one big parking lot So why can't I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I'd love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, oh God it's a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot © 1998 Steve Goodie ASCAP CRISIS CENTER HOTLINE VOLUNTEER God bless you, Crisis Center Hotline volunteer You welcome whining and complaining in your ear We never could have stood this But you're so damn full of goodness You come back each day so well-prepared to hear: I have no job, I have no home The voices won't leave me alone I can't go out I can't stay in I'm way too fat I'm much too thin My mother's all strung out on coke I'm sick and tired and weak and broke I have no pulse, I have no doubt That I have rickets and the gout I need a car I need a house I need a non-abusive spouse And I need children I need space And I need surgery on my face I need my friend Dom Perignon I need a ride to Al-Anon And I need money, I need love And I need all of the above And I need lots of Demerol I need to call and call and call and call and call... But enough about me... Sometimes the world won't give us any slack Aside from you, nobody gives a crap We don't know how you do it But we'll just leave you to it And hope and pray that you don't freakin' snap © 1997 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PRE-ARRANGED WEDDING We've been seeing each other for almost a day, hey It's time to get married Nice to meet you, I'm Larry You sure do look swell There's been great preparation in anticipation Of a pre-arranged wedding So to hell with the romance Let's go dance, and get smashed as well I love you, yes I do, sure I do And I can tell, I can tell you love me too, oh yeah I can tell by the way that your mother tells my mother that it's true I look forward to getting to know you We just might have something in common But for now first things first As rehearsed, say for better or worse I'll be fine, yes I will, sure I will Never mind that I look a little ill I just hope that the drugstore has lots and lots of tranquilizer pills We'll have so much to say when the guests go away And these wedding day jitters My heart patters and pitters And stops now and then Soon we'll need baby sitters To stay out past ten And although I just asked you I'll ask you again We're married, I love you Now, what was your name? © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HIT IN OUTER SPACE A couple aliens dropped by my house On their way back to the saucer Their mission to acquire a sample of the sounds Earth music had to offer They randomly grabbed five albums From a pile of assorted CDs The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me And I’m proud to say my album is a hit in outer space I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me Though way ahead of us they loved to twist and roll To those prehistoric earth rock tunes Speculate and discuss all the Beatles stole From the Two Jew Revue With just five albums to define Earth’s musical history The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me And I’m proud to say my album is a hit in outer space I knew there had to be an audience for it someplace With just five albums to listen to on a billion-mile journey The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Elvis, Madonna, and me © 1998 Harve Mann ASCAP PAIN The slamming door broke his nose As his tears fell her laughter rose But she's not completely heartless She slid some tissue through the mail slot She said, "If you ever come round here again I'll have you hurt, I have some friends Who will happily break every limb that you got" Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore She yelled out the window, as he got to the street "Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly" And she tossed it to him But eleven floors can rearrange And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain Which he took on the chin Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain Lost love hurts, but blood stains He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders how long the swelling will remain He wonders if his life will ever be the same He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again The papers arrived today She's charging him with pain and suffering He's starting to think she don't love him anymore © © 1990 Ty Hager ASCAP STUDENT OF BEING F---ED OVER Tear my heart out Treat me cruel cruel cruel Put me on the bus Send me back to school I'm not gonna learn to read, I won't NEED the ABCs Cause my major is being f---ed over Sleep with the neighbor Take my last cent Total my Toyota And let me pay the rent I study through the night, so I don't have time to cry I'll get my bachelor's in being f---ed over Harvard and Yale, their curiculums fail I absorb, so much more, as your intern Baby I'll never learn, how to discern Burning love from just being burned Princeton and Purdue, they got nothing on you You're no community college, that would be a grievous misnomer On my wall you will see, my bachelor's degree It says MBFO on my diplomer That's Master's of Being F---ed Over So stab me in the back And laugh in my face face face Smear my good name all over the place I'm the Socrates of saps I'm the Schweitzer of schlemeils I'm a doctor of being f---ed over I'm a 4.0 student of being f---ed over © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP MONICA A parody of "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield There's something happening here It's been going on a couple of years There's grunting and moaning sounds Coming from the oval room in the White House She better stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down What a field day for the press They found a stain on Monica's dress They proved the case with DNA Tell me why's that work on Clinton, but not on OJ It won't stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Big bad Ken the lawyer strikes deep Ee’s been working for tobacco creeps Spent 40 million dollars so far Bend over taxpayers, won't you have a cigar It's gotta stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Monica Lewinsky's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound President Willy's going down Stop, hey, what's that sound Everyone but Hillary's going down © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jaz Kaner ASCAP |
I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend I thought that being honest was a noble policy Since then I've found a much more beneficial strategy Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice Lie til you're red in the face Don't ask why, you don't have any choice There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet She tells you that she loves you, boy, you say "I love you too" She says do I look fat, you say "are you size one or two?" You tell her that your love for her cannot be overstated And hope she never finds your special friend who is inflated Lie lie lie, when you've become the president Lie regarding where your weenie went Lie lie lie, til the cows come home And when they do look them straight in the eye And say, "hey, you smell sweet as pie!" Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie Oh the food was just delicious, Of course I'll do the dishes, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your new outfit is quite stunning, And all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie Lie lie lie, your new baby is adorable, And your virginity's restorable, lie lie Lie lie lie, I swear it's true your honor, I didn't know she was your daughter... oops! Lie lie lie cause you live in LA Lie lie lie on your acting resume Lie to get by, and lie to get laid There are times when the truth must be said But no one's discovered them yet No one's discovered them yet © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHISKERS AND ME I have a cat I love to pieces What's wrong with that? So we come from different species What's wrong with that? And I know I've been lonely too long But I know what we feel can't be wrong 'Cause Whiskers and me We're in love, can't you see We're just innocent victims of society And it's not what you think It's so much more beautiful than that Oh God I love that pussy cat A little pinch and a little paddle What's wrong with that A little whip and a teeny saddle What's wrong with that And what goes on when we're under the covers It's just like any other furry four-legged lovers 'Cause Whiskers and me Check each other for fleas We're growing so close, we're almost Siamese When she's using her tongue for a bath What could be more beautiful than that Once you've gone cat, you never go back Now you might not like, ten sharp claws on your wife But I'm fine with 'em And I know that you might, think that I have no life But I got nine of 'em Though all through the land Our love has been banned Still we play in the sand Hand in paw, paw in hand And I'm falling for her, and she's falling for me And though I'll land in jail, she will land on her feet 'Cause Whiskers and me Running naked and free In the alley at midnight, man, she's always in heat When the moon hits her eye like a fish in a frying pan What could be more beautiful than that Oh God I love that pussy cat I know we're in all sorts of trouble But man we only want to cuddle We make beautiful music together If the SPCA don't come get her She loves me but they don't want to let her Stick around, I'll tell you about my Irish Setter © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP SHE’S JEWISH Mama said, "Get it through your head You're a Jewish boy, and you'll marry a Jewish girl" I said, "Those Jewish girls won't give me the time of day Though they're pretty and they're sweet, they won't be seen with me" Mama said, "You'll see, a Jew will come your way" And one did, one day Though she's not what I expected She drinks she smokes, she scares old folks She only laughs at her own jokes She's terribly uncouth, she looks just like Babe Ruth She lies she spits, won't shave her pits She's got spackle in her make-up kit But I can't let her go, cause Mama says so Son, she's Jewish, she's Jewish And the wedding day's approachin' She's Jewish, she's Jewish And you'll love her cause she's chosen Oh my fate is sealed Mama says it's a done deal So you can keep your Ally McBeals I'll take the schnauser in high heels Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish She's really mean, she's rarely clean She beats me like a tambourine Oy, the grief I'm takin', to keep Mama's heart from breakin' She loves corned beef, look, it's in her teeth She's plenty ample underneath And though she treats me badly, I'll take a lifetime of her, gladly Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish And that's what Mama wanted Yeah, she's Jewish, she's Jewish She don't got it, but she'll flaunt it Mama says she's a steal She likes kishka in her oatmeal She's got kosher appeal She's pure matza meal She's built like Shaqille And I'm her shlemeil When she sings Hava Nagila I could sure use some tequila Nagila! Now she's mishpuchah Pain in the tuchas I'm black and blueish, because she's shrewish Not to mention moo-ish, now don't you boo-ish We're almost through-ish Oh she's Jewish She's Jewish Mazel tov! © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP PENELOPE, ARTHUR, AND STANLEY Arthur's so strong The strongest in the land Stanley's so tall Tall as any man How do I decide You don't It's no contest Pick me, me, me, me, me Arthur bought me a ring It's 14-carat granite (shut up) Stanley bought me a car And a moped just outran it (hey) How do I decide Come on He's a moron Pick me, me, me, me, me Love, love, love Pure and fragile as a dove You're pathetic, you don't have a clue Yes I do, no you don't It's me she loves, not you Not you, not you, no not you, no no no Arthur speaks French Oui oui oui oui oui wow Stanley speaks Spanish Si si si si si hmm How do I decide Oh please He drives a Pinto Pick me, me, me, me, me Love, love, love Precious gift from up above You're a dufus, you smell like a zoo no I don't, yes you do It's me she loves, not you Not you, not you, no not you, no no no And now this is serious I think it's time for a home and twelve children of my own Huh? I must choose who would be the better father Father? Would it be Stanley or would it be Arthur Arthur's so strong I'm really fairly average Stanley's so tall Well, I'm clumsy and I spit a lot How do I decide Hello? I'm a loser Pick him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP BACON Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon One thing I'm not fakin' is this love of mine If you said I don't love bacon, you would be mistaken It's bacon for me, it's so easy to see Bacon for lunch, bacon snacks, bacon barbecue Bacon on an ice cream cone Bacon on the run and for fun, when I'm done I'm coming home and making bacon stew All for me, none for you Sure I love my children but not as much as bacon It's pretty darn close, but bacon gets the prize If I had to choose between saving them from drowning And saving bacon, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save, I'd save... Bacon with cheese, if you please, love to feel the grease Oozing out between my toes The sweetest of meats, for Halloween you can't beat A warm and juicy, bacon-y treat Let's find a pig and let's eat Bacon Mmmm This little piggy went to the movies This little piggy went to the show This little piggy ain't going nowhere He's comin' home with me You see, I got a hankerin' for some fresh bacon And the stores are closed and I got a serious achin' I just, I just, I just feel so boss dang bacon-y all over tonight! snort Bacon so hot, bacon cold, bacon popsicles Jello shots are bacon-y good Fry it or steam it, greasy wet-dream it Bacon t-shirts for everyone Isn't bacon so much fun Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon Boy I love bacon, I do, I love bacon © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP HI MOM, IT’S ME You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak beep Hi Mom it's me, your son, number 3 Pick up pick up pick up it's me it's Josh I wish you were in, cause by now it has been Three weeks since I did my wash It's such an awful quandary, I have tons of dirty laundry Not mention all the dishes in the sink If it isn't too much trouble come on over on the double Cause I fear I'm getting dizzy from the stink Oh jeez, it cut me off... You've reached the home of Phil and Barbara Meek Please leave your name and number at the beep You have 30 seconds in which to speak beep Hi mom, it's Josh again, your gizmo cut me off again This time I'll try to speak more rapidly If the airport's on your way, the wife is flying in today And I'd go get her but there's bowling on TV The furnace needs a filter, hell the whole thing's out of kilter Better bring your socket wrenches when you come And if it wouldn't kill ya, get some polish for the silver It'll help you when you're scrubbing off the scum It cut me off AGAIN! Hello Joshua... Mom? You're there? Yes this is your mother, you should be more like your brother He takes care of things himself no help from me I do and do and do for you, but nothing's getting through to you You're 30 and still sitting on my knee I'm wasting no more breath, because I've babied you to death And Oprah says I have to draw the line Since I failed her Mother Test, I'm gonna yank you from my breast You rotten, no good, spoiled brat of mine Where did I go wrong...? "Okay mom, I understand, never mind... But Joshua have you eaten? I've got soup with kreplach heatin' I'll come feed you, precious darling son of mine © 1998 Sharon Port, Steve Goodie, and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WHAT’S HE GOT THAT I DON’T GOT? He’s got a house He’s got a fancy car He’s got a pool Looks like a movie star His mind is sharp and quick He’s got a real big… entertainment center And he’s got cable television Then I said Just one second now Hold that train of thought if you please I said, I could get, I could get Cable too © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP WEDDING BELLS Cindy Sue, you know and me and you’ve got some words to say I’ve been standing here at the altar since last Saturday The preacher’s gone, everbody’s gone There’s no one left here to carry on Except me and the organ player She’s waiting for me to pay her The best man stayed till a quarter to eight, then departed The maid of honor she had to go home broken-hearted My poor mama cried till the cold morning light I can’t understand, it was feeling so right We never even quarreled I’ve discovered a brand-new moral Don’t count your wedding bells too soon Least not before your honeymoon I’m picking my heart up off the floor And I’m not counting wedding bells no more Cindy Sue, well I guess maybe you found another I wish you well, but I hope that it’s hell with each other Four days gone and I’m losing this fight I’ve got to return the tuxedo tonight And maybe this sounds crazy But I’ve been eying that organ lady But I won’t count my wedding bells too soon Least not before my honeymoon I’m picking my heart up off the floor And I’m not counting wedding bells no more I’m picking my heart up off the floor And I’m not counting wedding bells no more I’m not counting wedding bells no more No more I’m not counting wedding bells no more © 1996 Jacob Kantor ASCAP SEX WITH THE EX It's over, we know it's over And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on But the nights get so long, so long We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time Sex with the ex, sex with the ex The story is over, more or less We made a clean break, now we're making a mess Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Now we're here on the fence, making no sense The sexual tension, ought to be past tense We're over and done, but we're still overcome We're supposed to be through, so what do we do Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect Sex with the ex, sex with the ex I want out Let me out! I want in Oh come on Let's go back No no out! Where we been Till something better comes along Go away, come back One more time in the sack No no, never, but it's better than ever Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We closed the account but we're still writing checks My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP EXTRA I am an extra in the movie of my life I did not get a speaking role I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours I'm an extra, cause they say I am I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut I slept with the director, I slept with the AD I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me I am an extra in the movie of my life I worked nine twelve-hour days I got four seconds of screen-time In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad I'm the one with my back to the camera With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear I am an extra in the movie of my life And I am not union I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight © 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP |
It's over, we know it's over And like adults who are calm, we wisely move on But the nights get so long, so long We have the same thing in mind, how 'bout one more time Sex with the ex, sex with the ex The story is over, more or less We made a clean break, now we're making a mess Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Now we're here on the fence, making no sense The sexual tension, ought to be past tense We're over and done, but we're still overcome We're supposed to be through, so what do we do Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We hung up the phone but didn't, disconnect We can't pay the bill, so we're calling collect Sex with the ex, sex with the ex I want out Let me out! I want in Oh come on Let's go back No no out! Where we been Till something better comes along Go away, come back One more time in the sack No no, never, but it's better than ever Sex with the ex, sex with the ex We closed the account but we're still writing checks My friends disapprove, and my lawyer objects Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Like a Woody Allen movie with special effects He'd be so impressed, he'd let us direct Sex with the ex, sex with the ex Sex with the ex, sex with the ex © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP WHIPPED You're more woman than I deserve I'm so grateful that you came along Cause now I live to serve Since you taught me that I'm always wrong I love everything you do Love the moustache that you grew My genitalia belong to you See them roasting on the barbecue Do you think I'm whipped Cause I buy your tampons all year round Now I'm differently equipped And you got me peeing sitting down Hey I think I'll bleach my lip I read Woman's Day and I'm proud to say that I'm whipped I love the constant way you talk I'm thrilled with one fifth of the bed I kiss the ground on which you walk And I got new friends just like Redbook said No I don't think you're fat I'd take a bullet for your cat A thousand dollars for a hat No I don't see nothing wrong with that They say I'm whipped But my bachelor party was lots of fun Though nobody stripped Diet Coke was fine with everyone No I'm never gonna slip Oprah every day helps me stay this way, and I'm whipped You get ten, I get one That's our perfect bedroom ratio You got me speaking in tongues But who has time for that pesky fellatio They say I'm whipped Cause you keep the car keys out of reach My manhood's been snipped And I feel so fresh walking down the beach Now I'm happy in your grip I jump through hoops and I do flips Bring your butt to my lips I'm a eunuch, okay, but I'm proud to say that I'm whipped © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE VOMIT SONG Martha's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen Long brown eyes, hair so green I want to write her poetry I need to tell her I love her Fancy restaurant, candle-lit meal Young and tender, innocent veal I try to tell her just how I feel When that feeling gives way to another... and I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke Martha's getting married, before the Lord they stand She's marrying Bobby, and I'm his best man He asks for the ring, and he holds out his hand Bet he wishes he'd worn gloves of rubber... when I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke Pray to the porcelain goddess, send the Tidy Bowl Man running Cough up a furball, do some commode hugging Grandma's dead, the family's gathered 'round She looks just like she's sleeping, but this is how she sounds (knock) It's time to put the poor old lady in the ground I lean over to tell her I love her... but then I... Barf, heave, gag, spill, wretch, blow chunks Do the technicolor yawn, toss my cookies, lose my lunch Do reverse shooters, regurgitate, spew Upchuck, throw up, vomit, hurl, and puke See, songwriting isn't all that complicated. I just sat and thought about all the places that throwing up might be inappropriate: on a date, at a wedding, at a funeral, on Jeopardy, in a library, at a job interview, on your first day as a waiter, on your second day as a waiter, pretty much any day as a waiter, at a bar mitzvah, during sex, at the opera, when meeting her parents, when talking someone off a ledge, during brain surgery, in a manger with a virgin, any place with a No Vomiting sign. © 1994 Steve Goodie and Ty Hager ASCAP NEIGHBORHOOD TITTY BAR It could be a little dive way back in the woods Or a gentlemen's club in a nice neighborhood A big scary guy takes your cash at the door And once you're inside you're gonna spend a ton more There's lots of pickup trucks And the ambience sucks Neighborhood titty bar The neon sign says The Bungalow And the ladies put on a predictable show They can't really dance and they really can't sing But for a dollar you can look at every damn thing Every night you'll find us there Getting hit with underwear All us losers sit and stare At the hooters everywhere Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Can't pay my bills, can't pay my rent Using up the money that my mommy sent I tuck dollar bills into their shorts Instead of paying my child support All right, gentlemen, that was the beautiful Amber on stage number one, and ravishing Heidi on stage number two. Come on, fellas, put your hands together and let them know how much you appreciate their talents. Every night you'll find us there We're the socially impaired Hey I brought some coke to share But you gotta kiss me right there Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood, neighborhood Neighborhood titty bar Okay, coming up we have the gorgeous Denim on stage number one, and the ever-stimulating Cocoa on stage two. And remember, lap dances and couch dances are available, at very reasonable prices! Hey there, honey... are you having a good time? You bet, baby! I bet it could be better, though... Hey, hands off, asshole! Butch! Okay, pal, that's it. You're outta here. Hey, man, she was asking for it! I want my money back! That bitch took a hundred of my cash and she gets all pissy cause I want a little something back?! Jesus f---ing Christ, what kind of place you running here? Did you see that? Yeah. What a jerk. God, they're all morons, aren't they? Hiya, baby. Wanna lap dance? © 1995 Steve Goodie PREGNANT I found out I was pregnant last week And it was kind of a shock, I could hardly speak Cause you never really think it'll happen to you But I peed in a cup, so I know it's true My wife says yes sir, I don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm not eating right, though I know I oughter I'm cranky, I can't stand up, and I'm retaining water People say I'm starting to glow My bowling league buddies don't call me no more My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And my sister's mad, she's in a jealous rage Cause she thought surely she'd be the first one to reach this stage Well I didn't mean to make her no irater I'm just a testosterone incubator My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah So I called my doc up, said what about abortion Cause I'm knocked up despite this foreskin And the doc said she's never heard of this It just can't be without a uterus Uterus! My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah And the doc just said keep it clean, avoid infection And I said doc, how do you feel about Caesarian Section Cause if my doctor won't do it, I'm gonna deck her No son of mine's coming out of my -- pecker My wife says yes sir, don't mean maybe My little mister's gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Gonna have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah You can have my baby Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah © 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME (FOR A DORK LIKE THAT) He's got no job, and he's got no credit When he runs out of beer, you run and get it He dips and he smokes but he never ever flosses With goofy long hair that he never ever washes I can't blame you for leaving me flat But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me He's got an '89 Yugo with leather inside Loves his big-screen and his big double-wide Ask him the time, he can't tell it He's got a GED, but he can't spell it I can't blame you for leaving me flat But I can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me Now you tell me I'm wrong, say I'm way out of line I'm so jealous and bitter, I've lost my damn mind But it ain't me, babe, news flash I got kicked out of bed so you could sleep with the trash If he's your type, I hope you never come back But I still can't believe that you left me for a dork like that How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? How could you leave me For a dork like that? © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HORNY DESPERATE GUY I come in alone, and I hope I look cute My shoes are shiny, as shiny as my suit I've got some folding cash, and I'm here to mingle I'm mostly flash, and it's mostly singles And I sit at the bar and I check out the crowd And I can't hear a thing 'cause my suit is so loud And I say, "Hey baby," about twenty times They roll their eyes, as they roll on by And I say, "Baby, you're looking fine You're looking good, girl, hey what's your sign?" And they all see right through the bleak look in my eye They can see I'm a horny, desperate guy And I'm out on the town, I could not get a date I got a crummy little life, that you can validate And I look at your chest while you look in my eye I'm just a horny, desperate guy So I've learned how, to drink alone I carry major plastic, I carry a phone I rented a Ferrari, with tinted windows Cause someone repossessed my '81 Pinto And the grease in my hairpiece runs into my eye I'm just a horny desperate guy So I sit at the bar for hours at a time As one by one they reject my pickup line Now they're closing it down, and I go home alone I get into bed, and I pick up the phone And I dial 1-900 get naked with me And I kiss my wife and I drop off to sleep I was out on the town, I could not get a date So I wound up at home, and I paid to masturbate But tomorrow and every damn day til I die I'll be a horny, desperate guy Desperate guy © 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP (I WROTE YOU A SONG AND) I WANT IT BACK I gave you my heart, I didn't make you win it I gave you a dress, but I never saw you in it Now you say it's over, just as soon as we begin it Here's a flower, baby, stick your nose in it When I wrote you this song, I thought you were mine Then you sprouted some horns, so I grew me a spine But my lawyer says no you can't give her a smack Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back I wanted you bad, you wanted to wait You put up this wall I couldn't penetrate You said you were waiting for the perfect time Turns out I was waiting in a really long line When I wrote you this song, I'd have given you the sky Turns out you seduced Van Buren Junior High And in the library, too, in the non-fiction stacks Well I wrote you this song, now I want it back Do you love me Or anyone you know (are you into backup singers) Do you want this song Do you know how it goes No I don't think you know When I wrote you this song, it was lightness and fluff I couldn't do no better, I couldn't get enough Now I'm serious like a f---ing heart attack You can keep my stuff, but I want this song back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back I wrote you a song and now I want it back You can keep my stuff but I want this song back © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP RULES This big world is so mean and cold I always do just what I'm told So even though I am not too bright The rules are always right As a boy I was good in school Obeyed teacher, and every rule My nose was always somewhere between Brown and squeaky clean Now my life is just as meaningful as can be Cause I only look in front of me I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face I will be all that I can be Rule me, and the rules will take good care of me Now I get up at 6 each day Have a donut and shower and shave Carpool to work where I Follows rules until 5 Now my life is just stretching in front of me Happy happy is all I see I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, plastered on my face Cause I know what they want from me Little mindless me, the rules want to suck out my identity But as hard as I might try I lie awake crying why why why Do I have to be so inadequate I wanna be good but I'm so damn bad at it You won't hear a complaint from me I'm happy knowing they're watching me I hear the drum, and I march in place With a mindless gaze, stapled to my face Just a lemming boy that's me That's the real me, and the rules will always take care of me And the rules are always fair to me I'm lucky, man, to be American From sea to f---ing sea Little mindless me, don't don't don't don't take the rules from me © 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP CRINGING BASTARD She said: "Hi, I'm a goddamned atheist" Shaking my hand aggressively "Like a male gynecologist I do enjoy that irony" Man she scared me Yes she scared me Is that really irony? She scared the living crap out of me You cringing bastard Stand up to her Are you a man or a... She said: "I want to have your baby Touch me with seductive hands Be my little donor won't you? I need your reproductive glands" Man she scared me Yes she scared me I filled the cup, all the way up, yup yup yup She scared the swimming boys out of me You cringing bastard Why did you do her Are you a man or a... She said: "Come and get your baby" Shaking a gun with both her hands "You know you are the daddy, don't you? It's parenthood, just like we planned" Man she scared me Yes she scared me Do you think he looks like me? She made a scary me out of me You cringing bastard You look familiar Are you a boy or a... © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP NO BUTT Our brand new baby is happy and smart Our little baby is healthy and cute Our brand new baby has all his parts And precious little dimples to boot But when we gently turned him over To lovingly inspect him We found to our horror that our bundle of joy Was born without a rectum Now everything else about him is fine Ten little fingers and toes so tiny So it's only natural that we're inclined To wonder what happened to his little hiney Cause everything stays inside of him There's no way out, just a way in He looks so perfect, but guess what No ifs, no ands... and no butt We took him to the doctor Me and my poor bride We were hoping for a transplant Something in a new backside The doc looked our baby over He sighed and shook his head He charged us a couple hundred bucks And he sat us down and said: "He has a cheek-deficit on the order of two He's buttock-shy my friends You can swap out hearts and livers and lungs But no one replaces rear ends" So everything has to stay in his gut From strained bananas to Pizza Hut He looks so perfect, but the point is moot No ifs, no ands... and no poop-chute He'll have to stand up everywhere Cause you can't sit down without a derriere And he'll never go dancing, that'd be a mistake Cause the little guy has no booty to shake Can't do no waltz can't do no bump It takes two to tango and you need your own rump Now I wonder what happens to his food Talk about intestinal fortitude I shouldn't be rude, shouldn't be crass But this poor little dude doesn't have no ass Cause everything stays inside of him There's no way out, just a way in He looks so perfect, but guess what No ifs, no ands... and no butt © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HEY LOOK MY WAY Hey look my way one time Hey look my way one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime Hey, just halfway, one time Hey, just halfway, one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committing no crime Hey, don't throw it away, this time Hey, don't throw it away, this time Don't mean you no harm, and I ain't gonna settle this time Hey look my way one time Hey look my way one time Don't mean you no harm and I ain't committed no crime © 1997 Steve Goodie and Andy Hirsch ASCAP MY BROTHERS And now that the goodbyes have been said And my deepest fear fully allayed Parenthesis -- of not being missed -- close parenthesis A greater grief appears, and it goes something like this: I never knew how much I love my brothers Til I left those idiots behind While we shared the one town, I rarely came around And now I've left, and they won't leave my mind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? I can't sing the truth the way my brothers do I try to find that nugget, and I laugh it off Semi-colon -- that's just grand -- dot dot dot, or ampersand The song had just begun, the day I left the band I never knew how much I love my brothers Self-destructive artistically inclined With so much common ground, you'd think I'd stick around Yeah fate is cruel, but I usually don't mind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? And I knew I'd miss the girl, who blew apart my world I braced myself and turned the heart to stone But I was so unprepared, for this whole other despair Four mothers made five brothers, and number five is all alone I never knew how much I love my brothers Til I left those idiots behind They'll soon be on their way, and they might head west they say The water's clear, but it's got me running blind So who's the idiot, with something left to find? © 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP IF I WERE YOU (I’D BE SO SICK OF US) If you had six billion children who laugh in your face Busting up the furniture, and wrecking the place Would you love them, I wonder And when something goes wrong, when someone gets hurt They whine and they cry, please oh please help us sir Would you love them, I wonder Could you love them, I wonder Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this sad populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us And if the children bitch that you don't answer prayers Saying, "How can you just sit and watch from over there While we kill one another, you're so goddamned unfair You let us suffer, oh my God you just don't care" Would you love them, I wonder Could you love them, I wonder Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this cold populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God... While your children are dying Oh my God... God you're not even trying I couldn't blame you for leaving us If I were you I wouldn't speak to us But sometimes in the sky I see a tear in your eye Oh God if I were you I'd be so sick of us I'd wash my hands of this damn populace Walk away in dismay and disgust If I were you I'd be so sick of us © 1996 Steve Goodie ASCAP HEY SCOUT Hey Scout, I can't come out You're under my tree with your worry and doubt There's nothing I can do but let you go You know the ground gets cold under that tree You're barefoot and overalls, wondering about me, and I I just want to let you know I'm never that far away I'm watching you and your brother play I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I want to scream and shout I've been in here for so many years Hey Scout, I can't come out Hey Scout, you better watch out There's a house on fire and a big old drought I got a blanket for you, and a face I can't show I know the kids are cruel, and their parents are mad But it's gonna get good when it's done being bad, and I I just want to let you know I'm never that far away I'm sending you love in the tree every day I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I'm doing all right without If you come around here in a couple of years Hey Scout, I might come out Baby it's not time to worry yet Let's see how strong you can get I know you feel so small You're just scared, that's all It's your time, it's your life And if it's deathly dark And there's a man with a knife Remember I'm never that far away I'll carry Jem home to you any day I'm locked in my tower trying to kill the hours And I want to scream and shout When you come around here in a couple of years Hey Scout Hey Scout, I might come out © 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP PRETTY DAY Driving through a storm I learn to watch the signs Learn to take it slow Trying just to stay alive A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better Which is why I don't know what to do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you So when the rain stops falling I don't see the sun Keep my eyes on the road And I leave the wipers on A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better Which is why I don't know what to do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you Love storms in, and love storms out Clouds go on forever, and they wash me in doubt The weatherman, never can, protect me from the rain As I stumble from my shelter, tempting pain, once again Tempting pain once again Again A man gets used to lousy weather A man forgets it can get better And now I'll have to see what I can do With a pretty day, a pretty day like you Oh I'll try to let myself enjoy the view Of a pretty day, a pretty day come true You're a pretty day, a pretty day, it's true © 1997 Steve Goodie ASCAP |
A parody of "Yer So Bad" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers My sister's new husband was also her cousin They found out when she gave birth Cause when chromosomes linger you get extra fingers It's natural selection in reverse So what, caused, these flaws Was it a lack, of, in-laws Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred My sister's new husband, well pretty soon he wasn't He split soon as he heard the news So she found her another, married our brother This family is so damn confused Cause some-thing's, wrong when You can count, to, eleven Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred Oh yer in-bred One eyebrow across your head When kin-folk wed Yer in-bred © 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP SO HAPPY TOGETHER A parody of "Happy Together" by The Turtles Imagine me and you, I often do I think about it day and night, this isn't right There's something that I meant to say, to say last night When we were together Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) No matter how you toss the dice, the number's three I'm guilty of a crime that they, call bigamy Rebecca meet Heather I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife I'm not single but baby I really dig you, just like my wife Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think it could be twice as nice, just wait and see The only ones for me are you (and her) and her for me (and you) So happy with either I can't see me loving nobody but you, except my wife She's open-minded, I think she'll really like you, put down that knife Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think you're over-reacting dear, just let it be You know how nice a couple is, imagine three So happy together Me and you (and her) and her and me (and you) I think you'll both get used to it, eventually Just think of it as stereo, fidelity So happy together So happy together Are you into leather So happy together We're happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together So happy together © 1989 Steve Goodie, Scott Mosenson, and Andy Hirsch ASCAP CHROMOSOME A parody of "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon When I think back on all the hair I had in high school I have to wonder how I lost it all So I looked it up, and it's maternally genetic Which means my mother's genes have made me bald Her chromosomes Made my head nice and shiny Made all my follicles so tiny Make me wear a baseball cap every damn day, oh yeah I got a nylon hairpiece Like no one would notice that Mama won't you take my chromosomes away So now I'm sitting watching Geraldo at 2 in the morning I know it's dumb but I just have to watch And then he brings out this doctor who says He has the cure for the follicly-challenged Turns out he transplants hair from the crotch It's better than a chromosome Now I feel good and I feel worldly Cause he re-attached all my little curlies Now I can throw this nasty baseball cap away, oh yeah This doctor is some kind of medical giant He's not just the president, he's a client Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome He moved my pubes to my chrome dome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Doctor came and took my chromosome Doctor came and took my chromosome away Okay... © 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP NED BEATTY A parody of "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Well I think I'll go and rent me a movie right now Go and get something I ain't never seen And on the discount rack I see Deliverance I'm watching it now, and they've got to that scene Where they meet the hillbillies, and they're big and they're mean Now who's that crawling 'round on his knees It's Ned Beatty Beatty Beatty Ned Beatty had the hardest part Cause redneck love leaves emotional scars I guess he didn't read, the script too far Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well I wonder what kind of parts Ned turned down Oh I wonder how desperate he was Cause I've heard it's pretty tough in Hollywood But I wouldn't ever let them tie me to a tree Screaming and holding up my BVDs And waiting for Burt to come and rescue me Saying "Hey Burt!" Hey Burt "Hey-ay-ay!" Ned Beatty had the hardest part If you got a purty mouth you can be a big star I bet the next day, his agent got fired Ned Beatty had the hardest part Well, don't let him get you Ned Don't let him next to you Don't let him get you Ned You know what he's wants to do? Think of your mama, Ned Put you through drama school Is this what she had in mind? You think she's proud of you? Ned Beatty had the hardest part He's taking method acting just a bit too far Cause this ain't exactly, Shakespeare in the park Ned Beatty had the hardest part © 1994 Steve Goodie & Ty Hager ASCAP 60s MEDLEY A parody of a variety of classic songs from the 60s (Louie Louie) Pretty much just mumble the words... (Like A Rolling Stone) Once upon a time I learned to rhyme I can't sing a line, but you don't mind Do you (Aquarius) When the moon, is in the seventh house And Jupiter aligns with Mars That's when my dog, pees in every room in the house Eats the trash, chews my shoes and chases cars I drowned my poodle in the neighbor's aquarium Neighbor's aquarium Aquarium, aquarium © 1990 Steve Goodie & Andy Hirsch ASCAP LITTLE GERBIL An abbreviated parody of “Oh Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison Little gerbil, crawl on up my butt Little gerbil, I hope you don't get stuck Little gerbil I'm just as horny as I can be I shove little animals in me (Forceps) © 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP LIKE A DOG Could have sworn it was a pretty good relationship But looking back I can see I was full of it She may have been a real nice trip, but she treated me like a dog From the time she took me off the street And fed me and gave me a place to sleep she owned me And it was pretty neat, but she treated me like a dog She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around So who was the dog, and was the master I guess it depends on who you ask But I’m here to broadcast that she treated me like a dog Cause like a dog I loved to play And like a man I made mistakes And like the dog I was I strayed, but she treated me like a dog She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around She'd say, roll over, and then she'd pat my head But it's funny, cause I gave her the bone and she played dead She'd say, heel Rover, down boy down Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around Now I'm still begging, she's still wagging that tail around © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP TEXACO A parody of "Mexico" by James Taylor Pull in here, or I won't make it too far I'm on fumes, I need to get some gas at the Star Pump is slow, takes an hour to fill up my car Oh, Texaco You're always self-serve, so I'm on my own Now I smell like gas so everyone knows I've been to Texaco Teenage employee give me the restroom key It's on a big block of wood and it weighs more than me The men's room is nice, it was cleaned back in '83 Oh, Texaco You won't check my oil, I don't know if it's low But you'll sell me some Camels, you'll sell me some Skoal Check the tires? I don't think so Baby's hungry so I got us some chips A couple beef jerkys and some onion dip It comes to 30 bucks, put it on the credit card, times are hard Oh Texaco It's 3 in the morning and business is slow The moon's so bright, and there's no cops in sight Makes a holdup seem all right Oh Texaco I've never been to jail, but I think I may go Oh I didn't know You got me on video Talking 'bout Texaco... Next time I'll try Amoco... Or Mapco, I don't know © 1994 Steve Goodie ASCAP REDNECK A parody of "Blackbird" by The Beatles Redneck singin’ in the dead of night Beltin’ out old Hank with all his might All his life He’s been chewin’ dippin’ spittin’ and suckin’ down Miller Lite Redneck spittin’ in a paper cup If he does it one more time I may throw up He says, “Boy, say what? I may be spittin’ someplace else, if’n you don’t shut up” Redneck fight Redneck’s white “Say, let’s all get drunk and go harrass women tonight!” Redneck pissin’ on the side of the road And if he had the time, he’d drop a load “But the damn ditch overflowed Boy, back where I come from, all the world’s a commode.” Redneck fight Redneck’s white “Let’s all get drunk and bash queers tonight!” Redneck ridin’ in a pickup truck Tryin’ to pick up women, but havin’ no luck He says, “Hey darlin’, come here, let’s uh, you know…” And if that don’t work out, he’ll try and get his sister for a buck “But wouldn’t you know it darlin, my goddam zipper’s stuck.” © 1991 Steve Goodie ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?" And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her And now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica In the Waffle House in Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't In a Waffle House in Alabama Wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split It seems that biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam To truckers and bikers in Birmingham "You want grits with that?" I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write "Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike or you'll end up..." In a Waffle House in Alabama You got what you deserve goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand new lover took all her junk Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY STAR A parody of "Thank God I’m A Country Boy" by John Denver Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star © 1990 Steve Goodie and Sukey Smith ASCAP A DAY IN THE LIFE A parody of "A Day In The Life" by The Beatles I read the news today oh boy About a running back who had it made And though the news is rather old I watch it night and day Hang on every word they say He stabbed her brains out with a knife He didn't notice that his clothes were stained He sort of tried to run away He didn't get too far Nobody was really sure if he was even in the car I saw a chase today oh boy This white Ford Bronco slowly led the way A crowd of people stood and stared They'd seen him run before Running through the airport I'd love to turn you off... Woke up, got out of bed Put a knife inside her head Found my way outside and caught a plane And looking back, I think that was a mistake Got a room, and had a drink Washed the glove out in the sink Found my way back home and got a gun And Al came by and we cruised at 35... I read the news today oh boy Four thousand lawyers squeezing O.J. now And though their salaries ain't small He'll have to pay them all When there's a knife inside your wife, Bob Shapiro is the man to call I'd love to turn you off... © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP YESTERDAY (for Kato) A parody of "Yesterday" by The Beatles Yesterday O.J.'s couch was just a place to stay Now I'm the hottest thing to hit L.A. Although I can't spell D.N.A. Suddenly I've become a big celebrity I'm the idiot on Court TV And there's movies being made for me Why she had to go I don't know, and I can't say But I'll get a starring role since Nicole has gone away Yesterday I was sleeping on a fold-away I had very little rent to pay Now people call me Special K Why they love me so I don't know, it was effortless Now I've got cash to spend cause my friends were knifed to death Yesterday I had nothing very bright to say And that's pretty much the case today And I'll ride this bulls--- all the way Mmm mmm mm mmm mm mm mm © 1995 Steve Goodie ASCAP |
Bill and Joanne have been married a year And they've made arguing a second career He says they're okay, she says they're just fine They just happen to spend some loud quality time I can't believe you told everybody this outfit makes my butt look big! Like they wouldn't notice! They go to a wedding and just for fun They show the newlyweds just how it's done On Valentine's Day she points out his toupee Bill says there's nothing like PMS every day A funeral or Christmas party suits them all right They wait for occasions to have a big fight They don't do this at home, it's just publicity Special occasion, special occasion Well you know they only fight occasionally Stop looking at the waitress. I'm trying to order dinner, okay? Oh, you always say that! Joanne took the stereo out of Bill's car So Bill reprogrammed Joanne's VCR Joanne numbered Bill's faults, she made a whole list We heard all about it at their son's bris And my mother is moving in. Not into my house. Where do you think, the garage? Where are you going to sleep? Will they make up, I don't think they can Not the way that jerk has been treating Joanne Can they ever get along, I don't think they will Not if that bitch keeps on nagging at Bill Over in Spain when they have the bulls run Or watching the total eclipse of the sun They're a very very vocal minority Special occasion, special occasion Cause you know they only fight occasionally We're getting rid of your cat! And your bowling ball! And your damn dog! I don't have a dog - that's my mother! It's so embarrassing, and they do this every time I take it you bought stock in mastercard! He always yells, she always whines Take me to Miami! Oh, that's original. And we're learning so much more than we really want to know She has a tattoo on her butt, his sperm count is low is low Joanne says all he likes to do is get drunk and hunt alcoholic Bill takes another drink and he calls her a... name They go to a party and they have it out From across the room we can all hear them shout They air it out in public for everyone to see Special occasion, special occasion You know they only fight occasionally You know I never would have married you if I'd known you were going to blow up like a house! Well it's the only house you'll ever have! Hey, at least I've got a job! You don't have a job - you work at a convenience store! Well it's more than you do all day long! At least I make enough money to buy you a mink coat! My mother bought me a mink coat! Well I would have bought the coat but your brother lost all my money on that investment deal! That is it! I'm moving back in with mother! You know they only fight occasionally On Groundhog's Day she lets us know he's a jerk You know they only fight occasionally On the 4th of July they drown out the fireworks You know they only fight occasionally © 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP CLOSET HETEROSEXUAL I met a girl, she played the saxophone I told her I loved her, she told me to leave her alone She played in one of those bars where men didn't come I came anyway, I was just looking for fun She said that she didn't like men She said she was a lesbian Now her friends said it was cool, some said it was mod Some even called it avant garde But I didn't care, I kept hanging out She got one of the bouncers to come kick me out Now the bouncer was mean, a three-day beard on the face Six foot three, her name was Grace But I didn't care, I couldn't take the hint Because I was completely convinced She was a closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked me Closet heterosexual, heterophobic as can be Closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked men Closet heterosexual, cause being a lesbian was in Well I came back unrecognized Cause I was wearing a disguise The saxophone player she had that look in her eyes She bought me a drink and then she listened to my lies She came home with me, but she wasn't what she seemed Cause oh what a mess, under that dress my princess was a queen Out of the closet heterosexual, he thought that I really liked men Back in the closet heterosexual, too many roosters, not enough hens Closet heterosexual, he ran out the door, and that was okay with me Closet heterosexual, he threatened my masculinity © 1988 Chris Chandler, Sukey Smith, and Steve Goodie ASCAP IN A WAFFLE HOUSE IN ALABAMA I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?" And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House In a Waffle House in Alabama I just sat and stared and stammered Revenge don't come much sweeter than that I wasn't quite good enough for her And now she's cleaning up for sure Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun" I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker" She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica In the Waffle House in Alabama I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?" Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't In a Waffle House in Alabama Wishing to hell I had my camera Revenge don't come much sweeter than that She left me for another lover Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Soon after she'd taken it all and split It seems that biker ran off with it Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam To truckers and bikers in Birmingham "You want grits with that?" I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write "Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike or you'll end up..." In a Waffle House in Alabama You got what you deserve goddam ya Revenge don't come much sweeter than that Her brand new lover took all her junk Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat © 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP BONEHEADS ON MY TV There's boneheads on my TV Ah-ooh Boneheads talking to me Ah-ooh Their numbers have grown so fast Who gave them license to broadcast There's boneheads on my TV Ah-ooh There's Rush Limbaugh Biggest pig I ever saw With a hundred copies of his book on the shelf Into my living room every night Comes the fascist religious right No one loves him more than himself Rush thinks he's so darn important An American Hitler, fattened and shortened So seemingly omniscient He isn't He thinks being famous makes him significant And smart and apropos Oh no But Pee Wee had a show too, you know On my TV I would sooner See old Morton Downey Jr. There's boneheads on my TV bop-sh-bop Boneheads talking to me Rrrrrr I see them every single day A lot of words, not a thing to say There's boneheads on my TV Ooh-la-la And there's Geraldo Thinks he's Phil Donaho Interviewing hearing impaired lepers with Alzheimer's Oy senor He likes subjects with missing limbs Never mind that folks throw chairs at him They break his nose, and give him a nice shiner La la la la And there he is with the Ku Klux Klan Proving he is such a macho little man We're impressed He picked a fight with Wizard Buford What a weenie And I didn't know just who to root for Geraldo's face all bloody and gory And suddenly Geraldo IS the story That's the way to be objective Keep your professional perspective There's boneheads on my TV Do-be-do-wah, do-be-do-wah Yeah, boneheads talking to me Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk They're broadcasting stupidity And making so much more than me There's boneheads on my TV What's on the TV, looks like a penguin The local news is no better Watch a dork in a cardigan sweater Tell me about some murdered nuns With witty jokes and pithy puns And that pithes me off There's ads for 1-900 women A new diet from chubby Richard Simmons A vacuum cleaner that cuts hair A workout device that's just two stairs Stay up late for A Current Affair And Miracle Replacement Hair Bob Vila is building a hot tub And there's the Home Shopping Club A medicine for heart attacks Oh my God Rush is back Boneheads on my TV Bone bone bone bone bone bone head Boneheads talking to me Eh? And here's what keeps them all afloat There's no IQ button on my remote There's boneheads on my TV I'm so glad I got cable There's boneheads watching TV Shoo-be-do-watch, shoo-be-do-watch © 1993 Steve Goodie ASCAP I PUT HER TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MAIL She just walked out, so I guess we're through She moved in with another guy, that's my second clue I'm not asking for a chance, I'm not begging or pleading I don't want her back if she could do this to me I don't need her, I can pull through I don't miss her, I've got better things to do I'm not calling, I'm not writing, I got nothing to say She's gone and she's forgotten and she'll stay that way I sold everything that she left, but some things wouldn't sell So I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell Dental hygiene is important, I'm not judging her morally She never was too meticulous orally Fire and brimstone are hard on your gums And I know she's in hell, cause that's where she's from But my postman, he didn't understand He couldn't find a zip-code for the underland I tried UPS, and Federal Express They both did their best, with limited success I threw away all of her makeup, and her worn out bathroom scale And I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell Now I don't mean to offend But you never knew her well And four out of five dentists recommend That she go to hell Go directly to hell, do not pass Go Do not collect $200 a week out of my pocket I heard from her last week, she says she's doing well She's the first person ever to receive, a care package in hell © 1992 Steve Goodie ASCAP VIRILE MAN He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man He looks just like a movie star and he's his biggest fan The women come from near and far for Virile Man He's a girl toy, and boy can he love But sometimes he just can't get it up He keeps his women in their place, in the palm of his hand Or sometimes on his smiling face he's Virile Man He can make love up to a minute Minute And sometimes that's even after he's in it Are you in? He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man Oh, Virile Man He can make love up to a minute Minute And sometimes that's even after he's in it Was that a minute? He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land The women come from all around for Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man He's Virile Man © 1992 Ty Hager ASCAP |