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Refrigerator Art, 2006 ARE WE THERE YET? We’re going off to Grandma’s, it’s a seven-hour drive It feels more like ten million, don’t think I can survive We’re barely out of town, I’m already bored to tears ’Cause I just chowed down, my last Three Musketeers Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes I’m strapped in my seat, don’t wanna stay in it I know I know I know I know I asked five minutes ago Man, the time is going slow Are we there yet? My sister Peggy’s teasing me, I pinch her leg, Mom catches me “We’ve got three hours to go precisely, I need you both to sit there nicely” We watch the passing license plates, call out the names of their states That’s a ton of fun, five minutes max, I pull Peggy’s hair, a sneak attack Are we there yet? Dad, step on the gas How many more miles, how many more minutes Why can’t Grandma come to our house to visit I know I know I know I know I asked two minutes ago My rear-end’s just about killing me, so Are we there yet? Mom drags out Harry Potter, Peggy’s reading it to me While the kids in their fancy SUVs, watch their fancy DVDs I play with the boogers in my nose, stick them to the car windows Then Dad says, “Hey, what do you know, I do believe we’re here!” Now we’re here – yes! Dad stepped on the gas No more miles, no more minutes There’s a swimming pool! I’m gonna jump in it I hope the time’ll go real slow Now we’re here I don’t want to go I’m gonna play and play and play all day We’ll stay here till I’m old and gray Let’s buy up land, Dad whaddaya say We’re here, we’re here, we’re here! Finally! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP GOTTA CLEAN MY ROOM Mom says my room’s a horrible mess Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Like a tornado ripped through it from east to west Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room I love my mom but I don’t dig her When she yells, “Pick up all of those action figures!” Much easier said than done Cause when I pick up my toys, I start playing with ’em Power Rangers, swords and zords Yu-Gi-Oh cards all over the floor Legos and gameboys, right over there I see my favorite old missing teddy bear Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Hot Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom “Listen here, young man,” Mom calls up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “Don’t forget to pick up all your underwear!” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Now mom is cool but she needs to chill Cause this pile of clothes make a real good hill For parachuting down or hiding all day Why would I ever want to put it all away? Power Rangers, swords and zords Hungry Hungry Hippos all over the floor Space suits, Sponge Bob, hey what’s that My one-eyed toad with the sailor’s hat Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! Power Wheels! Vroom vroom vroom There’s a giant inflatable dinosaur A great big Simba with a great big roar All the Lincoln Logs from the Lincoln Log drawer A life-sized poster of Dumbledore I got puzzles and models and games galore It’s like someone blew up a great big toy store With all this cool stuff out on the floor Who could clean up? Uh oh, here she comes… I can still hear mom shouting up the stairs Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “What in the world’s going on up there?” Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room “If that room’s not clean by the count of three I gonna lock you in there and throw away the key” “That sounds great mom!” I say thankfully “We’re real good friends, my mess, and me” Power Rangers, swords and zords Tinkertoy pieces all over the floor Firetruck, play-doh, and a Halloween mask A huge pillow-fort, and Monopoly cash Gotta clean my room, gotta clean my room Wow! The space shuttle! Vroom vroom vroom © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HALLOWEEN The night is dark and real spooky Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl Batman’s chasing Joker, there’s Martians in the fields Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl? Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts I can hear the beating of Dracula’s cold heart If I didn’t know better, I’d flee this scary scene But there’s no need to panic, it’s only Halloween I’ve come for candy, don’t you think I’m cute? I’m walking ’round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want your fruit I’m on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass Mrs. P says to me, who’s that behind the mask I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream Didn’t mean to scare you lady, don’t you know it’s Halloween I’ve come for candy, that’s why I’m in this suit I’m trick-or-treating and you’re supposed to give me loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out The porch has got a witch’s broom, there’s candles lit in every room Don’t leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear Hey, where did everybody go? C’mon you guys, this isn’t funny I really need to pee, c’mon, I’ll give you some of my chocolate And suddenly the lights come on, there’s a party here, should go till dawn I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong It’s Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah Hey it’s all about candy, yeah I know I’m cute All ’round the neighborhood I’ve been collecting loot Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah But I don’t want no fruit I don’t want your fruit I want your Hershey’s, I want your Reese’s Don’t care if my teethes, fall to pieces I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds I want your candy Happy Halloween! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP HE’S A BULLY I meet a big bad dude when I walk to school He likes to make trouble and he likes to make the rules When he gives me those noogies, I don’t stand a chance He hits me with spitballs, to make me dance He’s got me so nervous, I can’t relax And I’d rather get the mumps than to cross his tracks He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, and there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep A big old bully, just a big old bully Well he blocks my path and he charges a toll Takes my egg salad sandwich and my Hostess Ho Ho He thinks he rules the school with his iron fist If I look at him wrong I get the strong-arm twist He says if I tell on him, a bloody nose to expect And all the other kids laugh so they won’t be next He’s a bully He’s a bad bad creep A stinky meanie, yeah there’s no relief From the bully He’s a yucky yuck creep Big old bully, just a big old bully Well I got so sick of being afraid I told my mom and my dad and the teacher’s aide I should have done it sooner but I just didn’t know That there’s people who can help when a problem grows So we went to his house, my Dad and me We met the whole bully family The bully was quiet, so was his mom His dad was the scary one, and it started to dawn on me That this big bully gets bullied at home And I wished his dad would leave him alone I started feeling sorry for the bully And I stopped being scared of the bully And I said, “Hey! Mr. Lewis! It’s okay… You know, um, I think Bill and I could be friends… What do you think, Bill?” And Bill looked at me… and he actually smiled a little… And so did my dad, and Mrs. Lewis… And then…Mr. Lewis smiled, too… and it was kind of… cool Now I can walk to school and I got no fear I got a brand new friend, and it turns out we’re Not so different, not really different at all We can both get scared, and I don’t need to call Him a bully Now he’s one of my peeps He doesn’t call me names, he doesn’t give me the creeps I call him Billy And when we walk down the street We’re buddies, good good buddies Yeah we’re buddies, good good buddies Everybody, meet my new friend Billy... © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP NOT ME There’s someone causing trouble, whoever can it be When Mama wonders who’s to blame I always say “Not Me” “Are you sure it wasn’t daddy who left Elmo by the tree? Cause it was absolutely positively certainly Not Me” “Who left the front door open? There’s a stray cat in here” “It could have been the wind though I admit it’s awful weird” “And who left all these lights on, that’s a waste of energy” Let’s start investigating, Ma, ’cause I know it was Not Me There’s two words that I carry, Not Me Not Me Not Me Those two words never vary, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well it was absolutely certainly Not Me Mom and I come home from shopping with our bags of groceries We hear some real loud noises coming from the big TV “Who left that cartoon running all this time on DVD?” It’s another big old myst’ry, ’cause I know it was not me “Who left the bathtub running? I’ve got soap suds to my knees Who left the skateboard by the stairs and nearly clobbered me? Who’s been eating on the sofa? I see crumbs and Ovaltine” It’s sure a full-time job saying Not Me Not Me Not Me There’s two words I’m repeatin’, Not Me Not Me Not Me These two words can’t be beaten, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely positively certainly Not Me There must be an imposter, he’s got shirts that look like mine A familiar face runs ’round the place and breaks stuff, then he hides When the pieces are discovered they all stare accusingly “Are you the one responsible?” I swear it was Not Me No he’s the one who done it, he’s the one to blame He’s the offending party, and you can ask for him by name He’s the king of all excuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me He’s the one that I accuses, Not Me Not Me Not Me When something rotten happens and they’re looking round to see Who done it? Well I’ll tell you, just as sure as sure can be It was absolutely, positively, definitely, unmistakably Unequivocally, undeniably, indisputably, irrefutably Most assuredly… Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me Not Me © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I’LL BE GOOD I think Mom and Dad are going out, aw the babysitter’s coming in Are you going to the movies, are you gonna do some miniature golfin’ Hey don’t you want to take me, the life of the party who’s tons of fun What do you mean I don’t know how to be quiet, and I can be embarrassin’? I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I swear I won’t be a problem, won’t do nothing wrong Won’t be loud and crazy, please take me along And I promise I’ll eat the stuff on my plate I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say Dad says, “Remember that day at the diner, When they were out of what you wanted to eat You screamed, ‘what, no strawberry ice cream?’ And banged your fists and stomped your feet” “Yeah, that sure was hilarious Dad Thanks for that memory” “Well, we did not find it amusing Everyone staring at your mother and me” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t spill soda, won’t have no conniption Don’t need no babysitter, don’t need no prescription I swear! For the rest of the day I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say “Remember the shoestore, and the scene you made in there You wanted Velcro, not the laces, and you screamed and pulled my hair” I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say I won’t throw my salad, won’t throw no tantrum Won’t be obnoxious, oh please don’t abandon me I know how to behave I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say For the rest of the day C’mon make my day © 2006 Steve Goodie, Louie Lawent, & Jacob Kantor ASCAP LITTLE SISTER (OOLY GOOLY BAKA HU) Every day I do, lots of different things I like to slide on the slide, I like to swing on the swings I like whatever new stuff, every day brings But my little sister’s in a rut Jessie gets one thought into her head And she repeats it over and over and over and over and over again Can’t she say anything else instead She’s gonna drive me nuts, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, and then she laughs, and then she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears I think I’m gonna just go nuts It’s a snowy cold day, we’re stuck inside She’s repeating those words and there’s nowhere to hide If I only knew what the heck she means then I Might not be coming unglued I give her all my playdough to distract her And I let her play my drums and I let her drive my tractor But she still repeats the words just to make me go crackers What am I going to do Ooly gooly baka hu, again and again and again, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, I freak out when, she says Ooly gooly baka hu, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears Ooly gooly baka hu, it’s all I hear I think I’m gonna move to Zimbabwe Mom says “It’s just a stage, she’s gotta go through Let’s try to teach her something else, something new” I say, baa baa woof woof oink oink moo Any animal will do Dad says “she’s just like a broken record,” and then I say "Uh, what’s a record? And how do they break?" Dad starts to laugh, and then Jessie says “Lima broka mekker too” Lima broka mekker, it’s different, but then she says Lima broka mekker, again and again, she says Lima broka mekker, when oh when will she Stop it! Stop! I plug my ears Can’t she ever shift her gears She’ll say the same old thing for three whole years Lima broka mekker Aaaahhhhh!!! I think I’m gonna go nuts You’re driving me crazy! Would you stop doing that, please?! Mom!! © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP REFRIGERATOR ART We got a whole bunch of paper, twenty gallons of paint And we’re slapping it on with very little restraint Teacher says we’re great artists, yeah we’re the very best But when I take it home to Mom, that’s the real test Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, or on the sides or on the top And when we open it up, another piece drops So we’re up to our ears in my genius Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge I got a tin can and a piece of string And a box of macaroni and some shag carpeting And with all this junk I create my masterpiece We’re gonna need a bigger fridge, fifty cubic feet at least Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Where my collection is complete and unabridged I filled up the door, above, below, and in between Inside and out, we can’t open the thing Seems someone’s more interested in art than food storage So if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Refrigerator art, the fridge is where we hang it Refrigerator art, with a bunch of little magnets Refrigerator art, Mom can’t get enough Of all my beautiful stuff Mom invites the neighborhood moms on in She takes them to my gallery, um, I mean the kitchen She’s showing off my fingerpaint and cotton-ball clouds She’s got tears in her eyes, she’s so dang proud The other mothers smile at what they’ve been shown Cause they’ve got the same stuff on fridges of their own If Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge And she likes everything I make, so there’s not one smidge Of space on the door, it’s so fully saturated With all the masterworks that her little boy created So now we go to the bathtub when we need a beverage Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge Cause if Mom likes it, it goes on the fridge © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP QUITCHER WHINING! I’m bored… I’m really really bored I’m so bored, it’s not even funny I say, “Mom… I’m bored!” And she says, “I’d love to help you honey” But when you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s suppertime, and Mom’s serving up the food And Jessie’s plate isn’t quite as full as mine She says, “Mom! I want more!” And Mom says, “I’ve told you a thousand times” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s Saturday, and Peggy’s friends have come to play And Peggy wants to use the Slip-N-Slide She says, “Mom! Where’s my purple bathing suit?” Mom says, “That’s it, everyone inside!” When you whine at me, it makes me want to do The opposite of what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Quit whining! Quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! It’s bedtime, and we gotta brush our teeth And my toothbrush falls under the sink, way underneath I say, “Mom, would you kindly help me get my toothbrush, please?” And Mom says, “Why certainly!” When you’re polite with me, it makes me want to do Just exactly what it is you want me to So if you want my help, and I kind of think you do Ask politely! And quitcher whining! Cause what does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! What does whining get you? Nothing! So knock it off! And be polite! Before I get mad… and maybe throw something… And that would be bad… so quitcher whining! Quitcher whining! © 2006 Steve Goodie ASCAP I JUST WANT TO HELP Well it’s time for me to start helping out around the house I can polish silverware cause I’m a big boy now So I’m standing at the sink scrubbing off the stains Mom says, “Don’t push that button!” “Oops, spoon down the drain” “No… is there something you can help your father do? I’ll be clearing this disposal all afternoon” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can lean on me Why don’t you sit down and rest for a spell I just want to help I just want to help Dad’s in the driveway, fixing the car Hey, I’ll help change the oil, pass that funnel over h’yar And I’m pouring in the oil, and I lose my footing It splatters ol’ Dad like a bunch of fudge pudding That’s a bummer Dad, I think Mom needs me again I can hear her inside, doing some vacuuming And I, I just wanted to help Dad, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know that you can count on me I can help you do that job so well I just want to help Yeah I just want to help Vacuum cleaner’s in the corner, Mom’s on the phone She’ll be so surprised I did this big job all alone Wow! What was that? “Oh my, oh lord” Our vacuum just ate our computer cord “Steven, be a dear, and go out and play If you help me any more, I’ll be here all day” But I, I just wanted to help Mom, you shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m not living in no hotel I just want to help Yeah, I just want to help And I appreciate, and your attitude is great But when your help doesn't help, I'd rather do it myself What?? But I, I just wanted to help You shouldn’t have to do it all yourself Just want you to know you can depend on me I’m reliable, can’t you tell I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help I just want to help © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED It’s 9 o’clock, time for bed, gotta put my toys away “Brush your teeth, wash your face,” that’s what they always say “Young man, this is a school night, and you know what time it is You must be fresh for fractions, and your social studies quiz” But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you All the cool stuff happens at night I’m in my kangaroo jammies, with the great big pouch I’d rather be wearing daddy’s shirt, hanging out on the couch “All my friends stay up late!” I’m pleading my case But I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s so many things to do, I wanna stay up with you Bedtime is for boys with no life Mom and Dad tuck me in, and hug me chin to chin I say “let’s stop this kissyface, turn on Nickelodeon! Or Aladdin again, or teach my Slinky how to walk” That should keep us busy till two or three o’clock I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’m not trying to stall, just wanna hang with y’all And I’m really not sleepy tonight I don’t wanna go to bed, I don’t wanna go to bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right I’ve been napping all day, who needs to sleep anyway Why don’t we play Monopoly all night? “Can I have some water, father, can I have a cookie, mother?” With my flashlight and a comic book, I’ll read under the covers I can’t believe I fell asleep, they’re shaking me awake Is it morning already? Oh Mom, give me a break! I don’t wanna leave the bed, I don’t wanna leave the bed It isn’t fair, it’s just not right There’s nothing to do, I don’t wanna go to school I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed I just wanna lie in bed my whole life © 2006 Steve Goodie & Louie Lawent ASCAP |
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When Harry Met Charlie, 2005 GOBLET OF FIRE A parody of "Paper In Fire" by John Mellencamp Harry! Did you hear? They’re going to have the Tri-Wizard contest instead of Quidditch this year! Care to put your name in the hat? Oh, Ron, you know Harry’s much too young to enter that. Hermione, this contest’ll be the greatest thing ever! What do you say, Harry? I’m sure Harry is too sensible to try to fool Dumbledore and the Goblet Of Fire… Hermione! You’re positively… ...and Harry has more important things to think about, like whether Voldemort is actually back… He made the team, and boy it was a good one When he chased after that snitch, he was such a flyer But with the fourth year came a new competition When his name came out of that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, how did his name get in He didn’t want to play, but he’s playin’ anyway Though everyone is older, dang Goblet Of Fire First he faced a dragon, with no help from no one And then he had to swim, that’s what the second task required But that maze was bad, it went on forever And he saw old Voldemort in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, said he’s a champion Goblet Of Fire, now look at the mess he’s in Portkey in the maze, took him so far away To Voldemort’s soldiers, dang Goblet Of Fire Ah, Harry… I expected you’d find your way back to me in time… My Lord, there are two boys! And now there is one… for the moment… I have risen again… Yes my lord… welcome back, my lord… Silence, faithless cowards! And now… Harry Potter… you will finally get what you should have gotten fifteen years ago! Expelliarmus! Avada Kedavara! You’re doing just fine Harry… Hold on, Harry… He fought the good fight, though no one believes him There’s no celebration, no they call him a liar ’Cause a champion’s dead, though Harry retrieved him Man, a lot of bad stuff went down, in that Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, You-Know-Who’s among the graves Goblet Of Fire, still workin’ his evil ways Who’s to say the way the monster got away He keeps on gettin’ bolder, dang Goblet Of Fire Goblet Of Fire, Moody’s been in his trunk Goblet Of Fire, Skeeter’s some kind of ladybug Nobody’s who they say they are on their resumé It’s all on Harry’s shoulders, dang Goblet Of Fire Dumbledore, surely you don’t believe that this boy actually saw He Who Must Not Be Named? Not only do I believe him… I know that Voldemort has returned! You are just stirring up trouble! I’ll have your job for this. I’m not finished with you yet, Harry Potter… © 2005 Steve Goodie DUDLEY'S CRYIN' A parody of "Jamie's Cryin'" by Van Halen Hey, Harry! Come here, you little squirt… I never liked the look of you. Why don’t you straighten your hair? You’re a freak, you know that? And I hear that freaks should be punched in the stomach at least once a day. Hey, put that wand away! That’s no fair! He was a bully all right, till his cousin Harry Made him afraid to fight, that magic wand was so scary It made him feel so mad… Stop it! Stop! No! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley’s pretty large, all right He’s all beef and cheddar Eats everything in sight Holy cow, he’s a heifer He thinks he’s real clever, yeah yeah He’ll pick on any little kid whatsoever He says gimme, gimme some more pork rinds Till his clothes explode altogether Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Now Dudley used to know the score, but not since Dumbledore Made Harry a sorceror, with powers Dudley don’t understand I’m not afraid of you Harry, you freak! You’re not allowed to use that wand outside of school… Hey – hey! You’re not supposed to – Please… not the wand… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Don’t hurt me! I’ll let you eat your own dinner, I swear… and you can play with my Game Boy… and read my comic books… He wears a tent for a sweater, yeah yeah And he’s got no manners whatsoever He says mummy, isn’t it Christmas-time Cause he knows she’ll buy him whatever Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’ Ouch! That hurts! You’re mean! Oh whoa whoa, Dudley’s cryin’... Ow! Stop it! Please turn my nose back into a nose, Harry! I don’t want to walk around with a cabbage on my face! Please Harry! I’ll give you back all your books, and I won’t snoop in your room anymore, and I’ll tell Father to let you eat at the table again. Ow! Please! Ow! Oh, no, I’ve grown another tail! That’s two tails in two weeks, Harry! Be reasonable! I never made you grow odd body parts. C’mon, we can talk about this, can’t we? There must be something you want. How about if I feed your owl for you? Yeah? Cool? All right. What does she eat? What do you mean, my dinner? She can’t have my dinner! Ow! Stop it, stop it! Okay okay! She can have my dinner, but I get the dessert. OW! All right, she can have the dessert too… Can eat one carrot? I can? Oh, thank you Harry. You are very fair. I am humble and grateful for my carrot. © 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins ROWLING MUST DELIVER A parody of "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I’ve read every Harry Potter book at least five times! I’ve seen every movie ten times! Did you know that J.K. Rowling is a woman? Duh! And it’s pronounced “Rolling…” It is not! It is too! Why do they only release these books at midnight? Samuel! Stop pushing those children. We will get the new books when it's our turn! I’ve read every book in the series ’Bout Harry and Hermione and Hagrid and Ron But Rowling don’t write ’em, nearly fast enough I need a lot more c’mon c’mon c’mon Young readers keep returning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver You take way too long to complete ’em I’ve read all the old ones a hundred times And I’ve seen the movies, got nothing else to do, see On the 16th of July I’ll be the first one in line New stories keep on churning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver Mom! I thought you said J.K. Rowling would be here to sign my book! Virginia, I never said that… I said… Hermione! I told you to call me Hermione! I got me a wand and a broomstick And some glasses and an owl and a scar on my head Now Rowling don’t you worry, you don’t gotta hurry But you’re forcing me to read some old Tolkien instead Big pages keep on turning Big money you’ll be earning Rowling, Rowling, Rowling must deliver © 2005 Steve Goodie DUMBLEDORE A parody of "Hardware Store" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, “I quit this household” And I laced up both my shoes But he said “you’re not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care If you rot away in your room” But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised ’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I’m gonna be a sorceror I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can’t believe it’s coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff… He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort © 2005 Steve Goodie THIS DUDE RON RON RON A parody of "Da Doo Ron Ron Ron" by The Crystals I met him on the train that takes the kids to school This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s got a whole bunch of siblings who are mostly cool This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he was just sitting there Yeah, he had this bright red hair And he didn’t care where I come from This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He told me that he’d heard of me since he was three This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron But he didn’t mind that I was a celebrity This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he treated me good Yeah, just like a best friend should And we’re both here in Gryffindor This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron I swear, I can’t decide if Harry is a worse influence on you, Ron, or if you’re the bad influence on Harry! Maybe it’s you, Hermione… did you ever think how much happier we’d both be if you quit nagging us to study? C’mon Harry, let’s go watch Moody turn Draco into a ferret again! One day when we were talking on the castle lawn This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Draco started making fun of Ron’s poor mom This dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron Yeah, he tried to pick a fight And I was right there by Ron’s side, until Moody made a rodent out of that Slytherin For this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron He’s this dude Ron Ron Ron, this dude Ron Ron... Can you believe Viktor crum is right over there? Oh Ron… he’s just a boy… Yeah, the boy who took you to the dance. That’s what it says in all the papers… now we have several celebrities amongst us… © 2005 Steve Goodie MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE MALFOYS A parody of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Willie Nelson Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em think that they run everything Just because of their old wizard blood Most wizards are easy to love, but some of ’em ain’t Most of ’em are tons of fun, but some’s a big pain Great big old egos and cold evil eyes You can’t trust a thing that they say If his name is Draco and he’s walkin’ by You turn and you just walk away Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don't let ’em pick fights, and drive other kids nuts Let ’em be Weasleys and Grangers and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Malfoys like picking on kids who are part-muggle born They think they’re superior, but they’re woefully misinformed They’re cold on the inside, they lean toward the dark side They’re rotten old jerks to the core For more on the subject, might I suggest You check with their pal, Voldemort Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be creepy belligerent thugs Let ’em drop dead, is that asking too much? Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Cause when they get grown they can often be prone To be real pains in the butt Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys Don’t let ’em be nasty or snotty or smug Let ’em be Potters and Hagrids and such Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Malfoys That old Hogwarts school never saw such a... © 2005 Steve Goodie HERMIONE / FLY A parody of "Her Majesty" by The Beatles, and a parody of "Fly" by Hilary Duff Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, but she’s got an awful lot to say Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, and she’ll be a witch someday I tried to tell her that I love her a lot, but she turned me into a newt one time Hermione’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yeah And someday I’ll write a punchline Harry Potter, feels a little strange As he’s been growing older He’s a wizard, which his family hates He knows he’s so out of place Then Hagrid came a-calling Took Harry off to school Now he’s got a wand and And best of all, he can Fly Soaring up above the school so fast and far away He can fly Forget about his suffering and his muggle life That boy can fly Cause it’s his time Time to fly Those rotten Dursleys, you left them somewhere else You’ve got Ron and me, Hermione, now And when you study, you study magic spells So much better than history now The Quidditch Cup is calling Can you win for Gryffindor? You’re younger and smaller But you can take it all Fly You know you’ve got the heart and moves and guts it takes to play You can fly Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly And far and wide your name is known It’s the price you have to pay For beating Voldemort years ago You fought him better than anyone else Harry Potter, how your life has changed Don’t you feel ten years older Take a minute, try to acclimate Let go of yesterday Fly… Soaring up above the school so fast and far away You can fly… Forget about your suffering and your muggle life That boy can fly Fly… Forget about the Slytherins and those nasty kids And get that snitch Cause it’s your time Time to fly Harry Potter, feels a little strange © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WALK ON THE WONKA SIDE A parody of "Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed How many toothpaste caps did you put on today, Dad? Eight thousand and twelve. Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a ton of money! You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Come on Charlie… let your father rest… Charlie came from nowhere, you might say Couldn’t afford no chocolate bars, no way Every day, just cabbage soup While his dad was capping toothpaste tubes He says, “Hey Dad, take a walk on the Wonka side” He says, “Hey Dad, that Wonka’s a wild guy” Happy birthday, Charlie! Thanks, everybody! Here’s your present, Charlie. Is it chocolate? You know it is! Go ahead, open it! Okay… wow! Candy came to Charlie just once a year With nuts! Though every day he walked past the chocolatier “I gotta get a break,” he said “Gotta get my grandpa out of bed” He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Grandpa, I got a ticket inside” And the little folks go, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp… Grandpa! I won! Will you come with me to the chocolate factory, Grandpa? Charlie, I haven’t been out of bed in twenty years… So Grandpa Joe took Charlie to the factor-ay I don’t even have any clothes! Grandpa looked quite fetching in his negligee There was chocolate here and chocolate there And there’s Grandpa Joe in his underwear He says “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey Joe, gotta get on his good side” Welcome everyone! Look Grandpa! It’s just amazing, Charlie, isn’t it?! I want a grandpa, Daddy! Augustus is just floating away Oy… And Violet has become a blueberr-ay Mike is on a little TV And Veruca’s a real bad nut indeed They said, “Hey babe, take a walk on the Wonka side” I said, “Hey honey, that Wonka’s a wild guy” And the little folks say, Oompa loompa oompa loompa doomp doomp… Grandpa, I don’t think Augustus should be drinking right out of the chocolate river like that… No, Charlie… I think he’s going to wind up swimming. And right after eating! That can’t be good. And what about that little girl who’s the size of a house? I think she bit off more than she could chew. She sure did! Do you think Mike will be all right? He’s so small now. Sure, a little TV exposure never hurt anyone. Look at Gary Coleman. © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo WONKA GOLD A parody of "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day Chocolates! Cream filled, caramel covered marshmallow fudge delights! Toffee, peanut brittle, lollipops, bubblegum, everything you want, right here! What’s the matter young man? Don’t you like chocolate? I’m just a lonely bloke, my parents got no cash, we’re always broke Got my Grandpa Joe, but he just lays in bed, and we’re skin and bones I can’t afford no sweets, there’s little chance that I will overeat Until one lucky day, a ticket comes my way, and it’s Wonka gold It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka gold It’s Wonka gold, it’s Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me Marshmallow tarts’re among the things I’m eating Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry Till I found Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, Wonka On the assembly line, Oompa Loompas work the overtime They’re only two-foot-nine, and they all work for me cause I’m Wonka gold The other kids declined to follow rules and read the warning signs They went one at a time, and oh I’m still alive, and I’m Wonka gold I’m Wonka gold, I’m Wonka gold I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me My fellow kids are gone and barely breathing Sometimes I think of how I once was hungry But now I’m Wonka gold Wonka, Wonka, Wonka, Wonka Wonka, Wonka, I’m Wonka gold, thanks Wonka Where have all the children gone? They all disappeared, Mr. Wonka. All of them? Every last one? All except Charlie – he’s still here. Why yes, indeed he is! Four bad little children, and one very good boy. And you know what that means, don’t you? What, Mr. Wonka? What does it mean? You really don’t know? Why, of course… how could you know? It means you win! Veruca was a creep Like Violet Beauregard and Mike TV Augustus fell in deep And I’m the one that’s left, thanks Wonka My Grandpa’s the only one that walks beside me We followed most of the rules and now we’ve beaten All kinds of rotten kids who need reminding That I’m on Wonka’s throne Grandpa Joe, did you hear? I’m going to run the factory! That’s right Charlie! It’s a miracle! Look, Charlie… it’s all yours… everything you see… the Chocolate Room, the Chocolate River, the whole factory belongs to you. All the oompa loompas will be working for you. Everyone in the world will know your name, and your chocolate. You see, I couldn’t trust an adult to take it over… adults ruin things. I needed one very good boy, a boy I could trust to do things my way… and that boy is you! © 2005 Steve Goodie & Burpo VERUCA A parody of "Luka" by Suzanne Vega Famed chocolate-maker Willy Wonka has announced that he has placed five “Golden Tickets” in candy bars sold around the world. The lucky finders of these Golden Tickets will win a tour of his mysterious chocolate factory, and a lifetime’s supply of chocolate. Daddy! Daddy! I want a Golden Ticket! Get me a Golden Ticket! A golden what? A Golden Ticket!! A Golden Ticket!! Stop being so stupid and get me a Golden Ticket!! NOW!!! My name's Veruca I am your superior I live uptown from you You’ve seen me in my Halston before If I want something night or day I ring a bell and I get my way It doesn’t matter what I want Daddy buys it, nice and prompt Yes Daddy gives me what I want I think I’m quite almighty I don't have to fight the crowd Daddy tells me I'm his princess I get stuff when I get loud I throw a fit and scream and cry Eventually he will comply He just don’t argue anymore I want the whole stinkin’ candy store So he just buys me more and more Daddy! I want an oompa loompa! Yes darling. No! I want five oompa loompas! Yes darling. And I want a chocolate waterfall, and a pet squirrel, and I want gum that tastes like a five-course meal but doesn’t turn me into a blueberry, and I want a whole garden made out of candy where everything is edible… Yes darling. I heard Wonka say Five kids would see his factory So Daddy told his every employee To find a golden ticket just for me You see I plan to reign supreme So “Daddy Daddy Daddy!!” I shriek and scream Just don’t sit there, dawdling Daddy call the limousine Just go buy me everything My name's Veruca And you are far inferior I have declared that you Will do my will and bow to the floor If you have something I don’t got You hand it right over on the spot Just don’t ask me what it’s for It’s not your business anymore Just keep on walking, there’s the door I throw a fit and whine and pout And scream, “Oh Daddy I want it NOW!” You just don’t argue anymore I want the whole stinkin’ candy store You just don’t argue anymore I want it more Give it to me, give it to me, baby I want it now, now now NOW! Give it to me! I want it, I want it! I want a squirrel Daddy! Buy me an oompa loompa! NOW! © 2005 Steve Goodie & Angel Jenkins THIS FUDGE A parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5 Hey, who’s that kid? Dunno… I’ve never met him… He doesn’t have any sweets. That’s his bad luck, isn’t it? Shh… here he comes… Hi guys. Hey… I heard all your grandparents sleep in one bed. Is that true? Yeah. Really? See? You owe me five quid. I was so poor I never could afford The treats down at the candy store The chocolate I was longing for Then Mr. Wonka made the world aware Five lucky, lucky kids out there Would get a huge reward This fudge obsesses me totally I’ve been denied too many times before And there’s one golden ticket that’s haunting me But I can’t find it, cause I don’t have no cash at the store Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh For my birthday I got chocolate For weeks I barely nibbled it To conserve what I adore Oh, but this year I went ahead and wolfed it down Then I found a dollar on the ground I turned around and got two more… and… This fudge has a ticket of gold for me It says that I will get the Wonka tour And my eyes are popping right out of me And I will rejoice, I’m not a passerby anymore Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh Don’t really understand How I got to Wonka-land There’s Oompa Loompas all around (All around, all around) I’ll go full-speed ahead Get Grandpa out of bed Today’s the day, they say Willy Wonka’s giving everything away This fudge maker’s giving control to me He says he’s tired, he wants to hand it over And my head is spinning with disbelief Could I be the boy, who’s gonna run the factory, yeah This fudge is gonna belong to me He says it’s mine, it’s too much to absorb And my heart is jumping all over me I said, "okay, I guess I'll take this candy store" This fudge obsesses me totally I’d been denied too many times before But this golden ticket stunt just paid off for me I’ll be the boss, and I won’t have to cry anymore © 2005 Steve Goodie STEVE THE PIRATE An original song about a hypochondriac pirate Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Steve. Steve wanted to play pirates with his friends, but he was sick all the time, and he couldn’t play. So he vowed that when he grew up, and he wasn’t sick anymore, that he would become a REAL pirate. But as fate would have it … When Steve was a young man he set out to sea A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties! Where's Steve? (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me But no chiropractor he turned out to be Arrr! On that ship I could find no relief for my back 'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag! Smartly there, men! Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken This is a voyage he shouldn't'a taken Arrr! Arrr! Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me. Shiver me timbers! Fasten them jibs, ye... Heave to! Heave three! On the second day out, his misfortune did grow Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo Arrr! Arrr! He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder! Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho! He suffered all manner of infirmity From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD Arrr! Arrr! He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess. If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS Wait in the lookout! Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as Steve He could not rob and pillage along with the crew So, the captain he gave him some filing to do. Arrr! Arrr! But it did not take long till I did succumb To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome Steve! File this! Swab the poopdeck! By the end of the week all me mateys could tell Me career as a pirate wasn’t going too well Arrr! Arrr! Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around And decided that no one would miss him too much if he drowned Where's Steve? Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits If the captain finds out you’re allergic to parrots Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Oy, me mizzenmast! (again) Ay carrumba! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report Though me plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort Steve washed out as a pirate upon the high seas So now I confine all me pirating to MP3s Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’ When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’ Apparently, a life on the sea Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile as me/Steve Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko! Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal! (and some more incomprehensible pirate noise) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone... © 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie SACHIO A parody of "Domino" by Van Morrison All right... here's a little R & B, a little soul, for this cool kid I know, named Sachio... You might just be the world’s best kid And your age is about to change You been two for a whole darn year now And now you’re in pre-school range But there’s no need to go hiding out You’re so much smarter than the rest And man you never need to worry About being first or being best Oh oh Sachio You’re just turnin’ three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio I hope this song is appropos I don’t know I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio Yeah, pretty cool riff, huh? Yeah, that's my favorite part of the song so far. But wait! Here comes another verse! You got so many friends You got James and Nick and Abigail and that’s not all And if you haven’t heard from me in a while You just give old Uncle Steve a call (Check with Dad first) I’ll be over in two minutes We’ll watch Scoob and Shaggy and the whole gang And if we get all loud and crazy, hey, man That ain’t no big thang (Check with Mom) Oh oh Sachio I can’t believe you’re three years old There you go I said oh oh Sachio Seems just last week you were an embryo I don’t know, where's the time go I said oh oh Sachio I said oh oh Sachio I just wanna, I just wanna, I said I just wanna come over and play with you Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Oh Sachio Ah ah all right Ah ah all right All right, yeah, yeah, Sachio, could you show me how to work this new video game? I cannot figure this out at all. I must be -- I don't -- oh man, you win again! You always win, so smart! I can't play with you no more. Well, maybe later, after the trumpets play this thing here. Now! One more game, real quick, before the song ends. Okay, go. Ready. Oh wait, wait, hold on, ,oh, you win again! So smart... I don't know where you get that... © 2005 Steve Goodie BIRTHDAY MUNKY An original song about my pet munky! Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, I’m three and he is too He likes to eat his birthday cake and fling his birthday poo Scooby Doo’s his favorite, he likes to chase the ghosts He likes to dance in underpants and dig around his nose Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling it! Birthday munky fling your poo! Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana My munky knows karate, I go to movies free And if somebody won’t shut up he kicks some munky butt Oh I’ve got a birthday munky, won’t take him to the zoo He’d rather spend my birthday kicking butt and flinging poo Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick it! Birthday munky kick his butt! Birthday munky fling it! birthday munky fling it! Fling your favorite birthday poo Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Yeah I’ve got a birthday munky, he’s got a microphone He goes to karaoke and does "Like A Rolling Stone" He buys a round of pizza, some pretzels and root beer And when he's done his diaper's on somebody else's rear Got to have a banana, got to have a banana Got to have a banana Fling your poo © 2005 Burpo & Steve Goodie |
QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Is that Harry Potter over there? Yes, it is! Right, our new celebrity. There's the new boy. Did you see his scar? I did - it's amazing! I heard he can break the sound barrier on that broom. Gerroff! Couldn't be! Yes, he can! Harry, you're the first first-year on the Quidditch team in over a hundred years! That's amazing! You're the best Seeker we've had in centuries! Oh dry up - he's not so big! Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I've never seen anyone fly like that! And he's just a first-year! Must be that Harry Potter! He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Hermione, how can Harry possibly see that tiny golden snitch from way up there? It's fantastic! Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Harry needs to buckle down and study. How does he expect to get through his first year, breaking all those rules? I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him Hey Harry, let's go see what's on the third floor, shall we? Stop! You can't just go sneaking around the castle at night! You'll cost Gryffindor a hundred points! Oh no we won't! Oh yes you will! And that's just what Draco Malfoy wants! 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Awww... I can't believe Slytherin lost to Gryffindor! I'll get you Harry Potter... I'll get you good... © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo IT SAW HER STANDING THERE A parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles And how many mudbloods have been petrified so far, Mr. Potter? A-one-two-three-FOUR! Harry Potter, sir, you must not return to Hogwarts... it is much too dangerous! Well there's a snake, slithering Below the girls' latrine And I'm afraid to look, at the fatal monster's stare But my pal's in a trance, with three others, oh Cause it saw her standing there You see apparently, my friend Hermione Has been turned to stone, she's way beyond repair So I took a chance, way down under, oh Cause it saw her standing there Serves her right! Shut up, Draco! Well my heart went boom, when I found that room And I held my hand over my eyes Hello, Harry... I'm Tom Riddle. AND I'm Lord Voldemort!! Oh I stabbed two snakes that night Cause You Know Who ain't all that bright He thought he was strong, but now he's not so sure Yeah he's a nuisance, who killed my mother, oh Till I saw him standing there You two set up a distraction, I just need five minutes. Ready with the firework, then, Harry? I'd follow the spiders if I wanted to find something out. Spiders? Ewww... I hate spiders! Oh really? Listen, if you were hugging your teddy bear, and it suddenly turned into a huge, hairy, nasty, eight-legged beast, you might not like spiders very well, either. I suppose not. Well I felt so doomed, that I dropped my broom But then that red bird landed just in time Dumbledore sent you a bird to help defeat me?! Oh the whole thing worked out great And now Hermione's wide awake And before too long I'll be a full wizard I'm head of my class here at Hogwarts, oh Cause I saw it standing there Dobby is free! Oh since I saw it standing there You lost me my servant, boy! Yeah well since I saw it standing there Thank you Harry Potter sir! Dobby thanks you and thanks you! Make no mistake... I'll still get you Harry Potter... Oh yes! © 2001 Steve Goodie HARRY'S WAND A parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains Of Wayne Mummy! Harry's picking on me again with his magic! Vernon! That wicked boy has done it again! Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, he knows he don't belong Harry cannot do magic outside school (that's the rule) He has to take all his cousin Dudley's ridicule (that big sack of poo) And then Aunt Marge runs her mouth, and Harry slips (gives her some lip) He turns her into a blimp, and the punishment fits (solar eclipse) You know he's not the little boy he's supposed to be Now he's a wizard with a temper and a magic legacy Harry's gone, he used his magic wand He's wizard-born, he's been waiting for so long His muggle family don't approve of sorcery He waved his magic wand and where oh where has Harry gone Harry's gone, he used his magic wand Yeah he's gone, don't try and correspond Dudley's mom don't know what's going on This phenomenon is beyond her lexicon Harry do you remember, Sirius Black? (I hear he's back) He helped Voldemort whack your parents way way back (helped the maniac) Well Harry rumor has it that he's made an escape (could it be a mistake?) And somehow the prison didn't get it on video tape (can he change his shape?) I know you try to hide your worry but you're really freaked If he could kill your mom and dad then you are probably dead meat The chase is on, he's out of Azkaban All those dementors couldn't hold him for so long Harry can't you see your life's in jeopardy Hermione and Ron say you should work on Lupin's charm Oh, Mr. Potter... I fear for your very life! Watch out Potter... it's a big bad Dementor! Malfoy, you're such a piece of - Ron! And that Hagrid - a professor? He's pathetic! Draco, you son of a - Ow! Yeah, Hermione... nice one! Harry's mom she bought it early on (very early on) But Black didn't do it, no they've got it all wrong (all wrong) Hey Hermione we gotta change reality You've done it all year long, now help old Harry Harry's wand... Crookshanks! (he's got 'em all disarmed) Harry's wand... Scabbers! (yeah Harry did it) Sirius can't you see Harry's got the remedy You almost bought the farm, but you didn't thanks to Harry's wand © 2004 Steve Goodie, Angel Jenkins, and FOW ASCAP I LIVE IN A GREEN TOYOTA Shrek 2 Version A parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin Yeah, that's right, I'm Ricky Martin, and I will never go broke, a ha ha! I was a pop sensation I sang this song back in '99 But then Shrek 2 swept the nation And I got left behind Girls used to scream my name out Ricky please autograph my page But now a donkey's got my gig And a cat's got me upstaged Man that Puss 'N' Boots is outrageous! I'm on my way out I live in a a green Toyota I can't go further down All because of that stinky ogre With cash flow in the red I didn't save one iota The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hey, you wanna get this piece of junk off my lawn? You don't talk to me like that! Don't tell me how to talk, move your stupid car! I am a big big star, and you you you shut up! Shut up! No you shut up! No you shut up! Woke up in New York City With my back against a wall Where's my house, where's my money That green ogre got it all Way back in the nineties I was at the height of fame But someone ruined my career And now I'm naming names Bandaras is to blame Come on! I'm on my way out I can't afford diet soda I can't go further down I'm moving to South Dakota With cash flow in the red As that ogre gets in-vogue-er The money has run out I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Hello, Mama? I need some money, please! I have no place to go and nothing to eat... Por favor Mama...! Girls used to beg to date me And they'd hang around backstage But now they see me on the street And stare like I'm in a cage Oh someone get me minimum wage (come on) I'm on my way out I 'm beginning to look like Yoda I can't go further down I'm a Latin Quasimoda With cash flow in the red I'm chillin' with Abe Vigoda The money has run out So I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota Corolla! I live in a green Toyota You're my manager, get me a job! Ricky, I want to help you, but what can you do? I can sing... No, Ricky, it's me... what can you really do? Can you type? No I cannot type, but I can dress up in a cute little cat suit... All right, that's it - get out of my office! I would look so good with little furry ears! No, get out! Here kitty kitty kitty... Corolla Whoa, green Toyota A rusted-out '82 green Toyota Yeah you heard that right, it's my house © 2001-2004 Steve Goodie, Jeff Kobal and R. Rosa/D. Child I WANNA BE THAT MOOSE My girl has a moose on her bike He’s a little brown puppet that she really likes And they ride along, together everywhere Yeah they ride to school, and they ride to the store, oh boy And I never ever thought I’d be jealous of a little stuffed toy, but.... I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Yeah it sounds real stupid but you know it’s true I want to be that moose I want to be that moose If I could be anything I choose, I’d be that moose That little moose has it real sweet Cruising right down each and every street Yeah he rides along, keeps an eye on the map Oh he guards the bike, day and night, that’s right And that little stuffed muppet is living the perfect life, oh oh oh… I want to be that moose I want to be that moose Gotta find out how they were introduced I want to be that moose I want to be that moose I hope I don’t sound obtuse, I want to be that moose Well one afternoon I saw him crying Down by the moose lodge Cause every night she leaves him alone on the bike No he’s never ever gotten beyond the garage So I think I’d rather be me than him Rather be me, rather be me Cause I can ask her out, and maybe she’ll ask me in, no no no… Don’t want to be that moose Don’t want to be that moose Cause living on a bike, well, what’s the use Don’t want to be that moose Don’t want to be that moose I’d rather be a platypus, than be that moose Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose Yes yes, you’re gonna lose that moose © 2002-2004 Steve Goodie BEDWETTER A parody of "Love Letter" by Bonnie Raitt Hey! Honey! There's a letter from Ashley! Oh great! I hope she's having a good time. Dear Mom, I can't stand it here! Seriously, Mom... this place is full of rats, and there was a tornado last night... please come get me! I'll clean my room every day, and walk the dog... They send me off to summer camp, they say it's lots of fun I ask for the upper bunk, but I get the bottom one So I'm lying in my lower bunk, I tell myself it doesn't matter That the kid above me drank a lot, and I'm right below a full bladder Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter With my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat Hope you get this letter Mom, they won't let me use the phone It's wet in this bottom bunk, if this is camp then I'm coming home Get on the bus, bus comes to camp Camp takes four weeks, four weeks I'm getting damp Oh, no weenie roast, oh, no marshmallows I'm lying in the dark, wishing for an umbrella Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter I got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat And this big girl named Flufferpuff hit me with a soccer ball and knocked the wind out of me... And she wets the bed!!! GROSS!! Please Mom... please... I'm begging you... please come get me, and I'll visit Grandma and do the dishes and vacuum the entire house and practice the piano... Bus comes to camp, camp takes four weeks Kid drinks too much, and that mattress leaks Underneath a bedwetter, dripping through all night long I'm right below a bedwetter, bedwetter Got my raincoat on, raincoat, raincoat © 1992 Steve Goodie and Bonnie Raitt ASCAP SARA I know this girl who’s real real cool She’s the star of the neighborhood and soon the pre-school She’s friendly and cheerful all the day through Everyone likes her, and you would too That’s Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you’re my friend too She won’t yell in the house, she won’t throw her stuff She gets real real quiet when Mom says, “That’s enough!” And everybody wants to be her friend I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again That’s Sara, the best little girl ever Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you’re my friend too Sara’s the best, with the best little dogs One named Toby and the other named Roz She’s cuter than a potato knish She takes care of Sachio and a fish named Fish She loves SpongeBob, and Aladdin makes her giggle Loves Lilo and Stitch, ha ha, and The Wiggles With Trinity and Annabel and Tommy and Max And Lila and Denise and Christina and Daniel Hey that didn’t rhyme, I bet you noticed that I guess you better bop me with a wiffleball bat No no, wait, don’t do that! Don’t make Daddy mad Bopping people with a wiffleball bat is very bad And Sara knows that, cause her mudda and her fadda Would rather she smile and say, Hakuna Matada Oh Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you sing me a song I want to sing along with you Cause you’re my friend Sara, Sara, come out and play You’re best the best part of a really great day Oh Sara, when you give me a smile I could walk a mile with no shoes Cause you’re my friend too © 2002 Steve Goodie BUY MY COOKIES Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads… Start your engines! It’s that time of year… You see us coming out of the minivans Wearing our cute little uniforms And we’ve got boxes, lots of boxes You know the boxes You know what I’m talking about! 308, 308, 308 is so darn great! I want to go to summer camp, I would like to earn a bike The pretty pink one! There are plenty of prizes in the catalog I know I'd really like I want that, I want that, I want that! You see me a-boppin' down your street You pretend that you're not home Pretend that you're on the telephone Hey I'll kick your screen door down Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Guitar! I'm bringing my little brother Got my mom driving the van You have no flippin' out idea How serious I am If those brats living on the hill Beat me this time I swear I'll T.P. your entire house And I'll pull out my own hair Ow! Buy my cookies, buy my cookies Now I know you've got your excuses Oh, I'm sorry, You've caught me without my checkbook Oops! I just started Jenny Craig Look here Lola... I see what you've got in that shopping bag. And it's not cottage cheese! Remember that I’m nine years old I’ll outlive all you all I’ll hunt you down every street I’ll chase you through the mall I’ve got eye of the tiger, baby I know what I need While you waddle into your SUV This Girl Scout’s built for speed Buy my cookies, buy my cookies I’m begging you, buy my cookies You better buy ‘em Please buy my cookies Just one box, just one box Just, just, just one box, one box What? One of each? Uh huh… Wow! Uh huh… uh huh! We see what you’re made of Folding like a house of cards C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me I guess I could bring ‘em by… P is for pushy, that’s good enough for me Oh yeah, we have plenty, uh huh, uh huh P is for pushy © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP POOP ON THAT My stupid little brother's in my stuff again He's wearing my brand new hat I went and told Mom, she didn't do nothin', well Poop on that My stupid older sister got a baseball glove And a brand new aluminum bat I got a dictionary made for Scrabble, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that I said, "Hey mom, can we get a dog?" But my little sister wanted a cat Well guess what happened, I'm cleaning the litterbox Poop on that My stupid old teacher gave me so much homework Cause I put some gum where he sat It took me ten hours, and then the cat ate it, well Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop on that Poop solo! Tommy likes Suzie better than me I heard him say that I'm too fat And then his mom took them to 31 Flavors, well Poop on that Grandma came by for a little visit She was bossing me in no time flat Now she says she's staying all summer, well... All summer... for the love of pete... July... how will I endure? Come kiss Grandma!! Poop on that Poop on that, poop on that, well Poop poop poop on that I can't win, with all the poop I'm in, so Poop poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poop on that Poop poopy doop Cha cha cha © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP THE PAJAMAS OF MY MIND No one really understands How bedtime rescues me The only math I ever do Is when I’m counting sheep The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Hot chocolate swims around me I’m fluffy flying free, fluffy I’m a floating marshmallow In my jammies with the feet The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind Wishing makes it mine I’m blowing hopscotch bubbles I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Grownups wait in line I’m flying purple roller blades I’m frittering my time The pajamas of my mind Ahhhh The pajamas of my mind They are doing fine The pajamas of my mind Oh, they are doing fine Ahhhh Solitary mind, solitary mind Hari krishna, krishna krishna Hari hari Oo oh gee I'm sorry Would you like to play Atari Not even in Tucumcari For Halloween I'm Mata Hari Like my dad's brand new Ferrari I voted for Marion Bar-ry Who drives a '94 Volare He's a cracker jack There's no such thing as a '94 Volare They stopped making 'm in '79 Creative license Mine has been revoked! I'm not just a rock star, I'm an artist! I'm not just Mayor McCheese, I'm a cultural i-con-vict I'm not an actor, But I play one on TV I'm not a headphone, But I am stuck in your ear Don't hate me because I'm pitiful There goes a guitar down the street My name is Luca Choo choo! Like almond rooca Hey, bull... © 2001 Steve Goodie ASCAP TALK IN ESPANOL Muffin, we better practice if we’re gonna get our Spanish-speaking merit badge! That’s right everybody! Spanish class is in session! We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol We’re gonna talk in Espanol Can you say hola? Hola! Como esta? Como esta! Taco? Taco! Chalupa? Chalupa! That’s very very very good… Talk in Espanol! That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol Pop quiz #1 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol, oh yeah We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #2 That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol That’s how we talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol (even the dog) We talk in Espanol We talk in Espanol Pop quiz #3 Ba la la la, La Bamba Ba la la la, La Bamba Say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay, say Frito Lay Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Ba la La Bamba Chalupa… © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP QUIDDITCH BALL WIZARD - live A parody of "Pinball Wizard" by The Who Ever since I've been at Hogwarts I played the Quidditch ball Flying on my broomstick I'd hardly ever fall But I ain't seen nothing like him Flying over castle walls That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball He began as a nephew Of muggles who were mean Living in a cupboard Until Hagrid intervened No he ain't got no parents They were killed when he was small But that messed-up left-behind kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball Now he's a Quidditch ball wizard He has to find the snitch Quidditch ball wizard He's a speedy son of a witch How does he stand those muggles? I don't know I don't think I could For all of his infractions He should be expelled His cloak's the latest fashion Cause it's invisible Always gets away with it Even fools McGonagall That living-on-borrowed-time kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball I thought I was the Quaffle Chaser king But they just handed that Quidditch cup to him 'Round here they call me Draco And I should be the best Hermione's a genius But Ron beats her at chess Hagrid raises dragons But Harry tops us all That magically inclined kid Sure plays a mean Quidditch ball © 2001 Steve Goodie and Burpo ASCAP |